A/N: I sat down to write a nice little Mortal Instruments fic and ended up writing this transcript of the camp orientation film we heard about in Titan's Curse but never got to see. I haven't seen anybody write anything like this on this site yet, so here you guys go!
Read this with 80's style animation in mind, it's much better (um, Scooby Doo, Hanna-Barbera, Charlie Brown, etc, if you're not sure what that might be. Maybe even Magic School Bus)
I had all the credits lined up great in Word, so hopefully it transfers over right
Enjoy!
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WELCOME TO CAMP HALF-BLOOD
A BRIEF ORIENTATION VIDEO
Produced by the Hermes cabin
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THIS MOTION PICTURE HAS BEEN RATED PG-13
PARENTS STRONGLY CAUTIONED
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LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Hello kids!
*three 80's cartoon kids pop up on screen: one white boy with brown hair and a ball cap, a girl wearing a vest, and a black boy with glasses*
KIDS: Hello!
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Now, as you all have started to grow up, you may have noticed that certain things come more natural to you than other kids.
*kids look thoughtful*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Perhaps you've discovered you have a green thumb-
*cut to scene of cartoon girl gardening*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Maybe you uncovered your knack for mechanics-
*cut to cartoon black boy restarting his car by kicking it*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Possibly even picked up a new hobby or two-
*cut to cartoon ball cap boy shooting baskets
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: But these ordinary activities may not be as ordinary as you might think!
*gardening girl turns away from garden, just missing the tomato plant rapidly growing behind her. the inside of black boy's car is highlighted, showing the gears lurching into movement. a basketball casually tossed over shoulder somehow makes it into the basket*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Noticing these changes, you might begin to feel scared, but not to worry! You aren't in this alone!
*another cartoon, a short boy with the beginnings of a goatee, walks up to kids*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Chances are, you have been brought to this camp by your friendly neighborhood satyr! Your satyr only wants the best for you, so he will go out of his way to help you make it to Camp Half-Blood!
*the cartoon kids high-five cartoon satyr, then follow him off-screen*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: By now, you must be wondering what Camp Half-Blood is for. Simply put, we train you so that you won't end up like this-!
*real-life shot of a teenager being pulled apart. limb-by-limb, his agonizing screams toned down to a volume that won't break a child's eardrums*
*another real-life shot, of a giant mouth full of sharp teeth, chewing on something looking suspiciously like flesh*
*man, with face blurred out, spontaneously combusts*
*woman screams bloody murder for what appears like no reason, until fire ants begin to pour out of her body*
BALL CAP DUDE: *suddenly pops up, frowning at camera* Hey! I don't want that to happen to me!
*other kids nod in agreement*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Don't worry! Here at camp, we have state-of-the-art training equipment-
*campers manually operate a device that swing spiked clubs at a person at various heights*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Friendly and supportive counselors-
*an old man with curly black hair and a leopard print shirt is seen screaming at campers*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: And a totally rad gift shop!
*camera pans around a small room, whose walls are covered in 'Camp Half-Blood' tie-dye shirts, racks of deodorant, and bell-bottom jeans with orange side-panels*
*a guy wearing an orange T-shirt gives the camera a thumbs-up, grinning*
BOY WITH THE GLASSES: *pops up next ball cap guy* But, wait?! Why are these monsters trying to kill us in the first place?
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Good question! You see, a long time ago, the world was ruled by hundreds of gods, commonly referred to as the Gods of Olympus. These deities all took control of certain parts of the world. For example, Zeus *cartoon old man in toga walks out* controlled the sky and weather. He was ruler of the gods, famous for his powerful lightning bolt
*Zeus smites tiny people with lightning*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: They were worshipped by the ancient Greeks. Nowadays, people think they are just myths
*a crowd of average cartoon people walk out, talking on phones and playing with each other*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: They are wrong.
*Zeus begins zapping the civilians, one by one, leaving a cartoon pile of scribbles and a pair of eyeballs behind each time while the people run screaming*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: They are very real. In fact, they really aren't so different from you and me. They fight-
*cartoon Zeus and Poseidon fight, creating gigantic storms in the process*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: They play-
*cartoon gods enjoy a fun round of Pankration (a type of to-the-death wrestling match)*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: And they, er, *coughs* love to love!
*cute cartoon couples snuggle together for a few moments, before beginning to make out passionately*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Being alive for thousands of years can become pretty boring. Sometimes, they meet some nice mortals (that means humans) and just can't keep it in their pants anymore.
*a 'hey! this is for kids' is heard in the background*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: *huffs* Many times, this results in a baby!
*cartoon infant appears*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: These demigods- half god and half mortal- are raised on Earth without any knowledge of their celestial heritage. But not only gods are real- monsters are too!
*live-action footage of minotaurs, drakons, and dracaena play*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: And monsters really don't like demigods. At all. So they try and kill us. Well, here at Camp Half-Blood, we do our best to stop that from happening!
CARTOON GIRL: Whoa! So this means I'm a half-blood too?
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Yes!
CARTOON GIRL: And now I get to learn how to stab stuff?
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Yep!
CARTOON GIRL: Wicked!
*the three children high five*
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE: Now that we've covered the bases, you are ready to learn all about being a demigod from your peers and camp counselors!
*cartoon kids turn to camera*
THE THREE KIDS WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONES LEARNING BUT NOW SOMEHOW BECAME KNOW-IT-ALLS: And remember to always listen to your cabin counselor!
*camera zooms in to a close-up of an exasperated live-action cabin counselor, rubbing his head and watching some children running circles around a pair of bleeding campers*
THE THREE KIDS WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONES LEARNING BUT NOW SOMEHOW BECAME KNOW-IT-ALLS: Otherwise, who knows what can happen?
QUIET OMNIPOTENT VOICE: *speaking quickly* Video production sponsored by the Camp Half-Blood Gift Shop, there for all your essential demigod needs.
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WELCOME TO CAMP HALF-BLOOD
HOPE YOU ALL SURVIVE
Brought to you by the HERMES CABIN
LOUD OMNIPOTENT VOICE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dick Razer
BOY WITH BALL CAP (voice of) . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr. H. Aught
GIRL (voice of) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ima Mazing
BOY WITH GLASSES (voice of) . . . . . . . . . . . . Jack B. Nimble
HEAD-SCRATCHING COUNSELOR . . . . . the awesome Tony
Bartman (please don't kill us)
GRIZZLY DEATHS (by order of appearance) . . . . . . Mike Fells
. . . . . . . Winnifer O'Henry
. . . . . . . . . Aaron Johnson
. . . . . . . . . . . Jamila Parker
RIP
(and thanks for the footage!)
SCREAMING COUNSELOR . . . . . . Dionysus (aka Wine Dude)
GIFT SHOP GUY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr. Sir
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ANIMATIONS PROVIDED BY
THE APOLLO CABIN
WITH HELP FROM
THE HEPHAESTUS CABIN
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CAMERAS PROVIDED BY
THE HEPHAESTUS CABIN
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PERMISSION PROVIDED BY
CHIRON
(supposedly)
(Davie was supposed to be getting permission)
(but he hasn't returned yet)
(we think he may have died)
(possibly)
(probably)
(Dionysus probably did it)
(Dionysus killed Davie!)
(Who did Dionysus kill?)
(Davie's dead!)
(Fuck!)
(We must seek revenge for our lost cabin mate!)
(Arm yourself, Hermites!)
(Prepare for battle!)
(Now we sound the drums of war!)
(Hey guys, what's up?)
(Not now, Davie; we're plotting revenge)
(Oh fuck wait)
(Davie's A-LIVE!)
(Uh, Chiron said sure)
(Great! And, um, we certainly weren't about to storm the Big House, seeking revenge on Dionysus for murdering you)
(Certainly)
(AN-Y-WAYS)
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VIDEO SPONSORED BY
CAMP HALF-BLOOD GIFT STORE
FOR ALL YOUR ESSENTIAL DEMIGOD NEEDS
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