And, here I am, procrastinating on my final immunology report
But, really, I have so many more Ideas for this
And well, this is proof that I am physically unable to write something that isn't angsty.
Also, I'm not a native English speaker so, please forgive my weird grammar.
Eloquence
Kuroo Tetsuro's life is going about fine, he thinks, he's young,-well, he's thirty, but working alongside a bunch of gentlemen that talk about their grandchildren's birthdays tends to make one feel a bit less old than most men his age do- fairly good looking and a newly appointed penal law judge.
He attended his best friend's wedding last spring and has had a string of rather stable relationships of his own, though none of them have ended up going anywhere, in the end, with most people, the feelings tended to end up being a bit too shallow for his tastes. He supposes that's the one thing that he hasn't been born lucky into –love- but also that it can't be helped and that, despite the fact that maybe it isn't all that bad, since he spares himself the pain that he knows –from a rather strange experience- would probably tear him apart.
So yes, he feels like his life is going pretty much fine.
Except for the fact that he's late to court.
A long distance call to one of his best friends is at fault –Kenma is very excited with his new work in the States, go figure-, after that he overslept had had to stumble into his robes, forgoing breakfast in favor of taming his perennial bedhead –which he's still not all that sure isn't sticking up on some side that he didn't manage to catch in the mirror- and now he's walking through the familiar, sunlit hall of the tribunal house, smiling at the people he knows but keeping up the fast pace.
People rarely stop to chat in the hall anyway, at least not during the busy hours, everyone is in a rush to be punctual and formal and that's probably the only thing Kuroo can't quite get used to about his job.
He's trying to remember if the man who just tapped his shoulder is a prosecutor or a member from the jury on his last case when something sunny blonde and entirely too tall catches his attention.
It can't fucking be.
In the stream of dark-robed people with squeaky shoes, this man is different, not used to the clothes, clearly, but also entirely too stiff. With his superior height he's lightly sneering at everything and Tetsuro's breath gets caught in the back of his throat.
His eyes lift to the others and for the first time in ages he looks into Tsukishima Kei's eyes.
The other man has seen him, there's no doubt to it, he's also standing frozen still, he is also getting shoved by the very busy attorneys-distantly he can feel himself articulating the syllables of the others name, though there is no air in his lungs to make his vocal chords vibrate- he is also staring ahead like he has seen a ghost.
And yet, Kei picks up his pace, he's coming closer and closer and he's about to walk past Kuroo without so much as a glance when he's obviously seen the older man –he's over his silly crush on Kei, he is, but this angers him for some reason- and before he can really think about how he doesn't even know what he's supposed to do because, technically, their acquaintanceship didn't end in a bad note, but there is so much underlying that one particular morning with the moving truck that he isn't sure if he should even look at Tsukishima, he grabs the other man's shoulder and words pour out of his mouth.
"Tsukishima" throat dry, he looks up "Been a while hasn't it?" And he grins because in a way –a very strange, convoluted and confusing way- he's glad that he has gotten a chance to see the blond, after all, the man disappeared from his life quite abruptly, and even if the feelings from that time are long since dead, he feels some curiosity.
Tsukishima seems choked up, his hand rises to push the thin rimmed spectacles he now wears and he casts a stern look on Kuroo "Kuroo… I didn't recognize- yeah, it has been, hasn't it?"
Tsukishima has always been cute when he stumbles over his own words "Yeah… What are you doing around here anyway? Last I knew you all chemists didn't quite like courthouses" easily, he slips back into his old habit of teasing the blond, it's easier to cope with the awkwardness through it.
A vein popped on Tsukishima's forehead "I'm a chemical engineer" he looked away "And I got called in as a witness on this really stupid case"
"Ah…" Kuroo looks away, the silence threatens to stretch and become awkward when someone walks up to him and takes hold of his own shoulder.
Rojuro Kirishima is the prosecutor for his current case, a few years older than Kuroo and all sharp smiles and a stonily handsome visage. He's also very good in bed, though Kuroo didn't know of the man's profession when he took the other home from the bar the week before he started as a judge.
It was a shocker.
The man is somewhat out of breath, he shakes the silver hair from his eyes "Kuroo-san, I'm glad I ran into you"
Thing is, he likes Kirishima, he's decent "Kirishima-san, I believe we should be meeting in the hearing room?" he says, reverting onto a more professional manner of speech.
"Yes, I had to inform you-"He throws a side glance at Kei "that the hearing has been postponed, I'm sorry for making you come all the way out here"
Kuroo's eyes widen slightly "And what is the reason for such a change in schedule?" Tsukishima is getting restless by their side, he can feel it.
"Mr. Yukimura is feeling indisposed" the other says, throwing him a meaningful look. After all, the only way a man who is facing possible death row would be deemed indisposed the very day he has to testify, would be if he was truly unable to get out of bed "I have the details for you here" he slips the hand that's on Kuroo's shoulder down slowly, and hands him a folder with the other, smiling snidely "as well as the new hearing date"
"Thank you" He knows the man has his eye on him, after all this is totally not part of Kirishima's job.
Tsukishima is glaring at them
"You're welcome, Kuroo-san" he chuckles lightly, looking at Tsukishima from the corner of his eye "I'll be taking my leave now, see you around"
"See you" but the man is already getting lost in the sea of black robes, he turns back to Tsukishima, who is looking at him with an expression of annoyed disinterest.
"It was nice to see you Kuroo" the other says dryly "I'm going, to-"
He should let the blond go, but whatever it is –it sort of feels like nostalgia, but he is genuinely curious about the other man's life for the past eight years too- overcomes him "Well, Tsukishima, as you can see, my plans for the afternoon have been cancelled" the other regards him with wide, golden eyes "Care to grab some coffee?"
.
.
It's not like the world stands still when their gazes meet.
They are after all, already far too old for those things.
Still, suddenly the building's grand windows and wooden staircases seem a little less imposing and the sounds of the world rushing around them as they stand in the way of a lot of very busy public servants become slightly muted.
Maybe I can pretend that I accidentally poisoned myself with the potassium cyanide.
The dark haired man's mouth opens, and though he's still standing a few meters in front of him and Tsukishima can't hear him at all, he recognizes the syllables and the way Kuroo's lips stretch around them perfectly, like the older man has never stopped speaking his name for more than a day.
Kei knows that it's mainly all wishful thinking from the side of him that tries and fails at being a hopeless optimist, the side that's still sort of obsessed with Kuroo, but it doesn't make the situation any less shocking.
Even if he has long since given up and gotten over the older man –or so he tells himself when the days are good and his interns don't fuck up as much as they usually do-.
Fuck, Tsukishima start moving already. He tells himself.
He takes one step forward, and another, the time he's spent standing here like a dumbstruck idiot hasn't been that long, it's still perfectly fine for him to brush past the man, as if the hideous amount of hair gel were doing anything to conceal his identity.
Kei has almost made it through, almost, when Kuroo fucks it up, when the man's large, calloused hand comes to rest on his shoulder and his eyes pierce right through Tsukishima's cool expression.
"Tsukishima" Kuroo repeats, still very out of it himself. "Been a while hasn't it?"
The blonde man doesn't even register the words that come out of his mouth then, he's sure he's stammering, but for all he knows, he could be babbling to Kuroo about subatomic particles and their proprieties. And it's stupid, it's really, awfully stupid because he's over this man, he has been since he convinced himself to take an extension on his internship, he has been since Daiichi and Suga's wedding six years ago when he caught a glimpse of the dark haired man with some model-looking guy hanging on his arm –Kenma hadn't been far removed from Kuroo then either, and Tsukishima wondered if the poor sap hanging from Kuroo's every word wasn't reserved a future much like his- all that he's feeling now, the forlorn confusion that won't quite let go of him, is just the old hurt that he never quite got around to nursing because antiseptic always stings as much as the wound does, and back then he felt pathetic enough at first and was too proud afterwards to actually care for it.
And yet when some other stiff looking man starts plainly flirting with Kuroo right in his face, he can feel a bout of heat from the box where he shoved his feelings in all those years ago.
The silver-haired man leaves soon enough, thankfully, and Tsukishima frowns at Kuroo's formal tone when he says goodbye to him.
Kuroo turns around and looks at him.
If he was a good few years younger Tsukishima would blush despite himself.
But he isn't "It was nice to see you Kuroo" at least he manages not to sound bitter "I'm going, to-"
Then Kuroo's deeper voice is interrupting him. "Well, Tsukishima, as you can see, my plans for the afternoon have been cancelled" No, no, no, don't do this, don't- "Care to grab some coffee?"
Tsukishima weighs in his options, for one, he can just accept, after all aren't old college friends supposed to be all elated when they run into each other and be eager to catch up? On the other hand, he can make up some excuse about how he needs to be at the lab –he gave the interns a free day and he himself is way ahead on schedule in his projects- but that would be almost like admitting that it affects him.
And Kei has always, always been a very proud person –and he does want to know how the other man is doing, just a little-.
Kuroo's eyes are earnest on his face. "I-"
"I can hear the cogs grinding in your head Tsukishima, you haven't changed a bit" Kuroo smiles and grasps his sleeve "C'mon there's a really nice café just around the corner"
The mild state of shock seems to be taking a while to leave him, again, he chokes on his own words "We- I- Sure, I guess-"
"Good" Kei doesn't like how Kuroo's smile is just a bit guarded, just a bit distant, he frowns, and it's not supposed to be like this. Still, silently, he lets himself be led out of the courthouse and through a small, ivy filled alley, at the end of which sits a picturesque, tiny café with a sign up front advertising various frozen beverages for summer –he finds himself wanting one-.
They go inside, a few patrons are scattered throughout the place, in vintage couches or wire chairs, drinking from French-style teacups and eating from enameled little plates, the atmosphere is a bit extemporal, but it's enjoyable, slightly charming, he supposes.
"Let's go upstairs" Kuroo is looking away pointedly "it's always quieter"
So he comes here often? He can't help but also wonder who it is that Kuroo comes here with.
As the older man said, the second floor is deserted and he does like it better, the table they choose is in front of one of the windows and drenched in bright sunlight, instead of chairs there are two single couches that turn out to be quite comfortable.
Tsukishima finds himself shrugging off his grey suit top and loosening his tire, almost melting into the chair.
When his eyes open, Kuroo's sharp, dark ones are smoldering coals burning into him.
The older man notices his gaze and looks away –a habit that he seems to have picked up over the eight years that have passed since they've had any proper contact with one another- he himself pulls his black robe over his head, revealing a white shirt without a tie and a pair of black slacks beneath it.
However adolescent it is –because for heavens' sake, he's a twenty-seven year old- he feels desire twisting deep within his belly –and that's probably the same thing that Kuroo's face contained a second ago, that indescribable thing was probably lust too- Kuroo has filled up further, if that's even possible, his torso is thicker, though not portly in any way, just more solid. And both his back and his arms remain as wide and toned as his nineteen year old, gangly self used to envy –not that he isn't still gangly and awkward, but he's sort of ok with it now-.
The other man plops down on the couch and looks at him, Kei is suddenly very interested in the collection of western teapots on the shelf beside Kuroo's head.
"So, Tusk-"
"Good afternoon, my name is Ami and I'll be your waitress for today" the waitress smiles "Would you like to see the menu?"
"Nah" Kuroo shakes his head "Just bring me the usual"
She smiles "So, black coffee and a chicken mini-quiche?" Kuroo nods and she turns towards Kei "Would you like to see the menu sir?"
He shakes his head "I'll have an iced coffee" he says, remembering the sign downstairs "And do you have strawberry shortcake?"
"Yes sir"
"Then bring me one" She scribbles the order down on her notepad "I'll be right back with your order"
The woman leaves, and the summer air quickly turns clumpy and damp, almost awkward to breathe or make any movements in.
Kei isn't going to speak and Kuroo must know that very well. "So how's life been?" The tone is forced, the older man's expression is forced, and Kei wants to scream.
But he answers, out of habit "Alright I guess, I'm still working with Yagiri, moved somewhere closer though, just a couple stations from here" he schools his tone into this disinterested, neutral monstrosity. "How about you Kuroo-san?"
"Same old too, I guess" the dark haired man stops to think for a moment "I haven't even moved"
This surprises Tsukishima "You still rent that apartment?" even if it was a good deal Kuroo should've been able to afford better ages ago.
The other man laughs "No, Tsukishima, I live upstairs from it now" he raises an eyebrow at this "The owner moved a while ago, and sold the whole building piece by piece, I'm still paying for it, but it's bigger and it actually has air conditioning"
Memories come rushing back –hellish heat and late sunsets, calloused hands on Kei's skin and the summer that's probably been one of his happiest- only to be repressed a second later. "So you bought it?"
"Mhmm" the other rests his chin on entwined hands "'t's close enough to work anyway"
Tsukishima guesses so, he's about to think up something to say when the waitress appears with their drinks.
"Here you go" she says smiling and unloading the tray, when she leaves, there's again a rather uncomfortable silence.
Kei looks down at his plate and digs in, happy to have something that lets him avert his gaze form the other man.
The afternoon sun is relentless and the ambiance quickly becomes suffocating, Tsukishima has way too much that he wants to say and more that he just won't, his responses are clipped and awkward and god this was a bad idea, accepting, he means, Kuroo looks as uncomfortable as Kei is and the only reason he doesn't slam his palms to the table and stand up dramatically is because he's a grown man and such tantrums are no longer allowed to him.
Also, there is some conversation and despite how uncomfortable this is, he find that he still adores talking to Kuroo.
Eventually, with a strange weight hanging over them like a guillotine, both remain silent, mulling lover their lives.
They split the check, neither offers to pay for the other and Tsukishima is aching to bolt, but Kuroo has to go and say something again and its rush hour, trains are packed and stations are broiling and- "I drove to work today, I could drive you home if you wanted"
Kei doesn't even know why he accepts, just that it feels like there's something that will snap at the slightest tug between them, and somehow, the small and stubborn part of himself that remains latched on a nineteen year-olds first love took control of his body for the few moments that it took for them to reach the courthouse's parking lot and the car to start moving.
And now he's trapped in an enclosed space with a person that he used to know-and when he tries to focus on anything other than that fact, it ends up being about Kuroo anyway, his stupid tamed hair or his blank, defeated expression, and he feels weak all of a sudden-.
Tsukishima feels it coming, feels it and Kuroo's gotten him over a few of these before but that was then and this is now and he can't, he just can't. Everything's overwhelming and he regrets telling Kuroo not to turn the AC on when he asked because now the heat is suffocating him and seeping into his lungs. Kei can't fuckin breathe, but they're almost at his house and he can hold out, he can because he doesn't want Kuroo to see him like this.
Air rushes into his lungs as he closes his eyes and takes a shuddering breath, imagining the first regular thing that comes into his mind, it turns out its crystallization reactions and he traces every one of the little hexagon-shaped compounds with his mind, it probably won't work for long, he'd need a real distraction for that.
"Tsukki…shima" a worried tone, Kuroo doesn't take his eyes off the road, it's just a few blocks now. Kei realizes that not counting the slip he just had, Kuroo hasn't called him by that nickname even once the whole time since they met again "Are you alright?"
He breathes in shakily "I- yeah, the heat's getting to me a bit, I'll be fine once I'm inside" his own voice sounds far away, the hexagonal crystals shatter "it's right there, the white building"
Kuroo bites his lip, and Tsukishima isn't sure he's fooling him with his attempts at a reassuring tone anymore; but they've stopped and his safe haven is just outside. Gingerly, he all but rips off the seatbelt, the hand that clamps around his bicep makes him stall though.
He looks up at Kuroo, taking the other in, his jaw has gotten more square, his cheekbones more pronounced and he looks healthy, good, the less he can worry about the older man, the easier it will be to put him out of his mind.
Then their eyes meet and all of his resolve gets obliterated, Kei can't even feel how much he's shaking even though he intellectually knows that he is "I'll walk you in" the other man says lowly as his pupils flare out and Kei can see how the other is physically restraining himself. He nods almost impeccably, already knowing that Tetsuro won't let him get up there alone, on fear of him collapsing somewhere.
Kuroo's always been patient.
They step out of the car, and the dark haired man is by his side in a second, barely brushing against him as he guides Tsukishima up the stairs, as they come in the doorman gives him a strange look, he's a portly man on his fifties, nice enough, he figures.
As the lift's display counts down the numbers –another of the things that Kei finds calming- his breathing evens, if only a small amount and he becomes even more aware of how the other man is reacting, the tension that so clearly plagues them both, and he feels hot and itchy though management keeps the lobby's AC at a point where it can make most people shiver.
Tsukishima's eyes shift and a bright red number 1 greets him.
Incredibly, he's calmer now, he looks back at the other man, who's regarding him as if he's a timer to the apocalypse "Can you make it from here?"
He nods.
DING
"Ok, it was nice to…"And then, it's selfish and completely against his common sense, just as Kuroo opens his mouth, he grasps the other's sleeve, and the words in Kuroo's throat seem to die all of a sudden.
It is a child's grip, full of uncertainty and basic need that's just bursting from his pores, the doors have been open for a while, they barely make it inside, lips fused in an awkward kiss that tastes like old hurts and goodbyes and a faint hint of coffee.
.
.
Falling into old habits is easier than it seems, Tetsuro muses, noting the late twilight, staring at a bare ceiling and the shadow play that the lights of random passing cars make out of it.
Tsukishima's neighborhood is surprisingly quiet even at this hour and being relatively deep in Tokyo.
It fits him
He's still sweaty and naked, and Tsukishima is lying by his side, he too with his eyes wide open and completely still, staring at anything that isn't Kuroo.
The tension that had made it hard to speak earlier is still there, but now it no longer serves it's purpose, like a puzzle piece that has finally found it's slot, it has become an afterthought for both of them, and true, Kuroo knows that there's so much unspoken, at least on his part that not having a moderately sized elephant in the room would be impossible, but fort Tsukishima's sake, he can ignore it. Because maybe eight years have passed, and they're older and hairier, and probably not any wiser, not on what pertains these kinds of things, but in essence none of what made their time as roommates so blissful and later on so painful has changed.
Tetsuro still feels an inexorable attraction towards Tsukishima, and Tsukishima is still using him to satisfy his moods, to manage his stress and to be spread open in the way that Kuroo still knows how to too well.
And the blond haired man is still completely oblivious.
Turning his head to the aside doesn't end with his eyes meeting the other man's golden orbs, Tsukishima is looking at the ceiling, absorbed in his own thoughts, probably about how he should not have slept with his old college fuck-buddy-turned-judge.
The longer hair suits him, it's only long enough to fall around his cheekbones slightly, to soften his expression that so rarely does so for itself.
Kuroo wants to touch that face.
Outside, summer rain starts hitting the windows with a passivity that turns it into a beautiful background sound, slightly nostalgic, yet sweet and fresh.
That's when Kei's mouth opens. "Life loves toying with us huh?"
"No, shit" Kuroo laughs, despite himself "You almost gave me a stroke, showing up in the middle of the courthouse like that"
"At least you recognized me" Tsukishima's cheeks redden slightly "I almost couldn't without that bird's nest of yours"
Kei finally turns around, he looks stiff, guarded, like Kuroo is going to snap or disappear or something. Tetsuo snorts, looking deep into those eyes, raising a hand to his now disheveled hair "Heh, well, it's back now"
Tsukishima's pink lips curl in an enticing manner and Tetsuo just melts "So I see" but then the other man turns away again, in the darkening room, Kuroo can make out the profile of his face "I heard Bokuto and Akaashi got married"
"Yeah, couple of years ago" He says and snickers quietly "Guess who proposed?"
"From that question I'd say Akaashi finally put his foot down" Tsukishima is probably raising one of those perfectly arched eyebrows now "It did take them a while"
"Yeah, pretty much, Bokuto was planning to ask him too, though" Kuroo says "Well, the only basis we have to compare are Sawamura and Sugawara though, and those two were practically married in high school"
"Yeah" Tsukishima echoes "Kageyama and Hirata are married now too though" he's shifting, shifting until his back is completely to Kuroo.
"What? Those two actually got around to talking about anything that's not volleyball?" he was bitter towards the freak duo for a while, a pretty long one, even more so than Kenma, who was the one that had gotten hurt in that mess of a relationship, who broke down a few times when rumors came and went that a famous volleyball player was sneaking into their university and probably dating one of the students. He had hated seeing his best friend like that, but Kenma got over it, and he's happy in America while Kuroo is starting to realize that he's not really that over Kei and that he's becoming a masochist slowly but steadily.
"Yup, four years ago, actually" Tsukishima's voice comes muffled, like he's speaking into the sheets. The taller man is folding into himself too, Kuroo knows that's sort of a cue that he wants to be held, and he wonders if it'd be alright, if just for tonight "Apparently Kageyama straight out yelled it at him after a game and three hours later Noya was picking us all old Karasuno up in his van"
Hesitantly, he shifts closer, careful not to pull at the sheets "That's a lot like that kid, how's he doing anyway?"
"Dating Asahi, probably will be forever, neither's too keen on getting married" Tsukishima tenses up, he can see it in the tendons of his neck, but he doesn't move away.
This is probably the wrong thing to do, probably because he's setting himself up for more heartache and the first time was enough, after the other man left he became a zombie for weeks, until the day to start his new work came, Bokuto had to all but spoon feed him, and with his thesis done and no real reason to go to either of his parents, the apartment had become a sweet torture of his which he had no excuse for leaving.
Tetsuro knows that he'll have to choose soon enough, and that his choice this time has to be guided by rationality, not feeling, because he can't do this again, because it'd be meaningless if there's no chance that things will turn out differently and Tsukishima hasn't given him so much as a silver of hope that they won't, because, even with his flaws, with his anxiety, the other man only needs him for hours when Kuroo knows that if he lets this happen, he's going to be addicted, defendant of the man lying beside him, he won't need him for hours, he'll need him for a long time, and Tsukishima probably doesn't want or need, or want to need Kuroo like that, and that hurts worse than everything else.
But for a while, je decides to indulge himself, and he slips one of his arms around Tsukishima's stomach, pulling the ball that the other has curled up into closer to his body, relishing on the way that nothing has really changed about these embraces that neither mentioned back then.
"Huh? Another couple? Do you crows only mate among yourselves?" he's joking, they both know it and Tsukishima laughs softly.
"Pretty much, yeah" he's progressively relaxing into Kuroo's grip "Tanaka's dating Ennoshita too, even Yachi was part of the team in a way"
It's Kuroo's turn to tense up, he's been trying not to think about Tsukishima's very obvious crush front uni, but time has passed, he thinks, and in Tsukishima's tone there's nothing that denotes that he's jealous of Yachi anyways "Ah, how've those two been doing?" he says cautiously.
"Good" the other says in an even voice "had a little girl some two years ago, Tadashi was ecstatic"
And there it is, the silver of hope, the small thing that will probably make it all the more difficult to disappear in the morning, because that Kei seems so happy about how Yamaguchi's life is going doesn't mean that things won't end up the same way, in the end, it's not that Tsukishima never fell for him before because he was in love with Yamaguchi, but probably that the blond could never see him in a romantic light anyway. "I'm guessing you're the godfather" He says, fighting not to shake
Kei starts squirming, and finally, turns around and their eyes meet "Actually, yeah, I am"
Tsukishima has always had this habit of curling up into himself, making himself smaller, and even as he speaks, his knees come up a bit and he's finally loose-limbed and curled up into his arms, Kuroo's heart is about to explode. "Can't imagine you doing that, I have the feeling you spoil her rotten" he smirks, burying his face into the blonde's hair. "Literally"
Tsukishima yawns, heavy eyelids framing his eyes "Tadashi says the same" he smirks back, "But he's worse than me, really, only Yachi puts some order in that place"
"The tiny blonde girl" Kuroo snorts "Doubt so"
Kei huffs and looks up at him "You haven't seen the woman mad"
Kuroo bursts out laughing "Well, it's always the quiet ones or so they say "
"Yeah" Kei yawns again and his head burrows deeper into Kuroo's chest. "But they're happy, I guess." And now it does sound bitter, does Tsukishima begrudge them their happiness or does he begrudge Yachi her family with Yamaguchi, he wonders.
"Yeah" They stay like that for a few minutes, the other's warmth and the relative silence conferring the dark room a rather lovely feeling.
Kuroo thinks that maybe- No.
He cuts himself off, he could never ask directly anyway but- "How about you Tsukki?" It's the first time in the whole thing that he calls him by the old nickname, it just hasn't felt right until now.
"Me what?" the other answers sleepily, annoyed at his slip into dreamland being interrupted.
"Are you seeing…?" He almost chokes on his own words "Anyone?"
"Mmm nope" his eyes are more than half-closed now, and his breathing's evening, still, Kuroo pushes.
"Really, not even a crush?"
"Nah… he got away a while 'go" and then golden eyes close, Kei is sleeping peacefully, paying no mind to the man figuratively bleeding out with his arms around him.
It takes hours and hours for him to get around to sleep, but the slightly brighter side is that he comes to a decision.
When Tetsuro wakes up in the morning, it's barely even getting light out, there's no warmth in his arms, but the shower's running and the scent of coffee wafts throughout the apartment.
Good, it'll be easier.
He grabs his clothes hurriedly –can't find a sock, though that doesn't matter very much, not really- and sprints out.
As the purring of the car's engine makes his thighs break out into a pins and needles sensation, Kuroo is almost glad.
He can't do this again, he can't, and with Kei, well it's impossible that it won't happen.
The keys on the ignition are turned and he's speeding down the street.
Tetsuro, of course, never looks up to meet the golden eyes that watch him sadly from the window, they look positively resigned.
.
.
Getting in on a day when there's no one in ends up being a good thing.
He had planned to sort out what to do -and been too restless after he woke up to stay in Kuroo's warm arms- and the other man looked too peaceful, Tsukishima wondered, with a deep stillness overtaking him if Kuroo could come back into his life, just a little, he knew that the darker haired man would never want him the way he did Kuroo, but there was no real denying that he had missed burying his head in the shorter man's neck, among at least a million other things.
So despite it being ridiculously early and not having to go to work for at least four more hours, - later, he realized that it was a Saturday and he didn't have to go into work at all- he got up, ran the coffee machine and went to take a bath.
He took just long enough to step out as the door closed.
It wasn't like he hadn't considered the scenario.
The heavy numbness that overtook him afterwards, moved his body on its own, he drank the outrageous amount of coffee that he had made –his old habit of making some for Kuroo had never really died- put on whatever and his lab coat and snatched the four or five most complicated orders from the lab's counter as soon as he got the lab.
His interns are running amok, pale faced and horrified and Kei feels peaceful, detaching himself was hard at first, but now he can completely abstract his consciousness from the painful things and just concentrate in making the fluorescence markers for some immunology research lab.
It is a dispendious process, annoying and one had to be very cautious so as not to have anything go past a certain point.
It's just what he needs, he'll spend the haze of sadness –which should be shorter this time around all things considered- cocooned within chemistry's structured processes, and then without the rejection fresh in his mind, he will return to his usual life and never ever visit a courthouse again.
Karin and Mukuro looked at him with mixes of both worry and horror when they got in on Monday and there were five different orders for rather complex processes in the table, but now they are just frazzled and tired and it's far past closing time, they didn't need to stay so late, he sends them home, says he'll finish up and that he expects them at the same tome tomorrow.
At twelve, he's done, he cleans, organizes and packs everything out, then walks into the mailing desk and prepares everything so he'll just have to take things out of the freezer in the morning.
Then he falls asleep in his office chair and the next day does everything all over again.
And the next and the next and he goes back to his apartment twice for clothes and bathes but by Thursday his interns are burnt out and he's working against the certainty that his blood feels all too light and the edges of his vision shouldn't be so blurry.
There's a hand then, wrapped around his shoulder, Mukuro is looking at him, his brown eyes glinting with worry "I'll finish up here, Tsukishima-san, there's someone in your office to see you"
"Tell them to leave a message"
"They insist they must see you" the other gives him a reassuring smile but it's shaky and the corners and Mukuro looks like shot from overexerting himself "I'll take care of this here, but I'm sure they won't detain you for long"
"If I come back and anything is-" an image flashes through his mind, the sweet numbness of immersing himself in his job is failing him it has for the past day, it's making him remember and Tsukishima doesn't want to "Fine"
He stomps over to the office, he has no idea who could need him, and he doesn't care, it's not like he ever sees the person anyway, just hears them mutter his first name before his sight goes completely black.
.
.
He functions through the pain, eats through it, works through it, this time it should last less.
He smiles through it, he drinks through it, deliberates cases to the very best extent through it.
Bokuto calls and Akaashi calls, and he can fool them, as painful as it is because he doesn't want to blow things out of proportion. It was just one more night, one more because destiny hates them both and maybe there was a need to reopen the wound for it to truly be able to close.
Still, it feels like he ripped out the stitches, threw some more glass in and left it gaping.
He can't, however, fool Kenma, who calls on Wednesday and can tell something's wrong right off the bat.
"What happened Kuroo?" The other says with a tone so patient that he might be the judge's parent instead of his younger best friend.
"I just had an off week, stupid cases, it's nothing" he says, downing the third shot of the evening and pulling out a chocolate cookie from the half empty package.
"Really? Because you sound like you're moping"
"Kenma, I'm alright I didn't run into anyone or killed anyone"
"Okay…" the other says amusedly "So you ran into someone-"
"I didn't-"
"And if you don't want to tell me you probably feel guilty, and you're also drinking on a Wednesday" Kenma says unimpressed.
He doesn't feel guilty, does he? True, he ran out at the crack of dawn half-naked without so much as a goodbye because he was afraid of getting his heart torn into confetti again, even when Tsukishima had been making coffee, -probably for both of them- and clearly still in the apartment.
Well fuck, he does.
Kenma continues through the other's silence. "And that means that you did something mean-"
"I'm not sure if-"
"Or at least you think it was mean, and you're a levelheaded person, you usually wouldn't do something like that or feel guilty about doing it, but there is one exception…"
Kuroo just groans into the receiver
"…Tsukishima"
"How the fuck do you manage to do these things Kenma?" he barely whispers.
"You're easy to read" the other man says in a monotone "What happened Kuroo?"
He doesn't know where to start "I-we, ran into each other at the courthouse" he takes a deep breath
"Mhmm" Kenma hums.
"And, you should see him, he hasn't changed a bit, well his hair is longer and it suits him just right and…"
"Kuroo"
"I don't know Ken, I invited him out for coffee and it was awkward, because, y'know things but it was still Tsukki and then he started shaking and I knew he wasn't alright, I drove him home and…"
"You slept with him"
"Yeah" It's a statement but Kuroo confirms anyway "and then everything was back to normal, he cuddled up to me and I spent the night and I know this shouldn't be making me such a mess after so much time but when I woke up he was in the shower and I- "
"You left him" Kenma sounds a little breathless, a little surprised for what it's worth. Kuroo doesn't answer, he's too busy swallowing the lump in his throat. "Well, I guess it's up to you then"
"What do you mean?" he says, shaking.
"What you feel, you can try and pursue him or get through this like you already have done?"
"I'm not going to pursue him Kenma, it'll just end up the same way it already did" on the other side, he hears Kenma's cat –Chessy seems to still have a few years ahead for him- and the other man's quiet footsteps-.
"Who knows?" Kenma says in a clipped voice.
And then there's hurt and anger rising up his throat and he remembers why he left, revalidates it, this way is better, he can't do that again, can't set himself up to be broken again. "I do, remember, anyway, I'm just a jackass for leaving like that, like you said, I got through this, and I'm over it."
"Oh, really?" Kenma says, sounding annoyed "Why are you so miserable then?"
"I have had a shitty week" he throws his head back "And it's only Wednesday"
"Kuroo, if you're going to try to lie to me at least do it properly"
"What do you want me to do Ken?" he snaps "Try to commit myself to a relationship where I know I'm the only one with feelings?"
"I'm not telling you to try and get with him, but something about Tsukishima is bothering you Kuroo" he says quietly "even if as you claim, you're over him, he's getting under your skin"
"I'm not going to go to his house Kenma" he says "And I didn't even get his number" his tone turns bitter at this.
"Kuroo-"
"I- sorry, I'm gonna go to bed" he says, defeated, for once talking with Kenma isn't doing him any favors.
The other hums "Might be for the best, calm down Kuroo. And call me if you're about to do anything stupid"
"I'll try" he slides into the sofa a little further and pores himself another shot "Bye Ken"
"Goodnight Kuroo"
I'm going to become a bitter old man he thinks but it's not like I have another choice
.
.
He wakes up to two figures standing silently to the side of his bed, if Kei were religious, he would be scared, think it was death standing in the shadows of his room.
A closer inspection, however reveals that he isn't lying on his bed, but on the gurney in the lab's nurse station and the two figures standing in front of him are ones that he knows well.
There's also an IV attached to his left arm.
They are probably the two most easy going men that he knows, both married to blonde, short-haired, completely different women.
But they are both wearing the same expression, a tepid mix of worry and anger.
Akiteru speaks first "You're explaining this to us Kei, or so help me god"
He frowns "I'm explaining what to whom? Did you bring mom here too Akiteru"
"Do you really think I would tell her that her son has barely eaten or come out of the lab in almost a week?"
Kei takes a deep breath and feeling woozy flops back down on the gurney, on one hand, anyone could know that he hadn't been home, but the food thing? Yeah, definitely Karin's doing "It was the interns wasn't it?"
"Tsukki, I'm sorry ok, they called me and I wasn't sure-"Yamaguchi interjects for the first time in the evening.
"That's what I get for so much as putting an emergency contact down." He says apathetically, wondering when he'll be able to get rid of them.
Akiteru's face twists "You damn well add me to the form Kei, if you're going to keep on pulling off this kinds of things."
'What kinds of things?" he snaps "I got a bit absorbed in my work for a few days, it's not going to kill me for fuck's sake" He says so with a very reasonable, mature voice, anyone other than the very few people who know Kei like the back of their hands would believe him. The problem is that these are two of those three people, and both Tadashi and Akiteru are looking at him with eyes that clearly tell him that he isn't fooling anyone.
Akiteru walks up to his side and sits on the edge of the gurney, he does so carefully and it's so horribly sweet that it makes him want to puke, why in hell would anyone care what he does to himself?
Halfway between a glower and an anxious expression, Akiteru speaks "Look Kei, you know you can't really lie to us, whatever's wrong, it's affecting you too much, we care for you and you need to start trusting us, at least when you're on the verge of doing something like this"
"Akiteru, really, there's nothing wrong" he swings his body to side opposite to his bother and stands up, -careful not to rip the IV out- wincing when his bare feet come in contact with the cold floor. "See, I'm fine, I just haven't been sleeping all that wel-"
"Tadashi I- You're awake Tsukishima-kun" Yacht has come in, she's wearing her white coat and some baggy sweatpants, carrying a few papers in her hands, when it finally dawns on her that Kei is out of bed, however, her face transforms into something stern and hard "Get back to bed"
Kei complies silently.
Yachi is one scary doctor.
"The interns were nice enough to let me use the equipment" she shoots a stern glance at Kei, but keeps informing Tadashi directly "He's Hypoglycemic, and has some anemia. From what I can see mild dehydration too"
Three pairs of stern eyes turn to him and Kei wants to melt into the mattress.
"A bit absorbed you said?" Akiteru is seething, he wonders if it wouldn't have been better to just get shit faced at home, and at least no one would have reported him to his brother.
"It's not your problem Akiteru"
"You're my brother" the other says stubbornly
"Yes and I'll live how I see fit" Tsukishima all but yells
"You'll die how you see fit"
"I'm not going to die for not eating properly for a few days"
Yachi looks conflicted, and Akiteru is balling up his fists and trembling.
Kei almost loves Yamaguchi when the brunette steps up "A-ano, could I talk to Tsukki alone for a minute?"
Akiteru just turns around forcefully and walks out of the room, while Yachi shares a meaningful look with her husband before she too exits the room, softly closing the door as Kei lays back and turns so he's mot facing Yamaguchi.
"Tsukki-"the brunette starts softly.
"What!?" he doesn't mean to snap, really, but now that he's not isolated within a bubble of carefully crafted thoughts, everything has an edge that he dislikes and the fact that the man he loved for a long time, perhaps still loves, rejected him and did not deem it important enough to even say goodbye hurts him like he's sliding chest first into hot asphalt.
Yamaguchi isn't all that phased though "I've only seen you like this once" he states "Does it have anything to do with him?"
"… I didn't think you had noticed…" he says after a moment "Back then I mean"
"Well, you were pretty obvious, Suga-san knew too" Yamaguchi puts a reassuring hand on his arm "But we didn't really know what to say, we thought you two would figure it out eventually"
A bitter chuckle escapes Kei's mouth "Figure out what? That he was smitten with his best friend?" he shifts away from his friends hand, his warmth, he's pathetic "Guess what? I did"
There's a small pause, he's sure Yamaguchi is making a face "What? We are talking about Kuroo-san, aren't we?" the name is like an icepick to his ribcage.
Now Kei's confused "Uhh, yes?"
"Oh… So you think that he liked Kenma-san?" Tadashi sounds like he's having an epiphany, Tsukishima envies him.
He raises an eyebrow and asks sarcastically "You don't?"
"Well… We were always very sure that he was smitten with you"
Kei bursts into laughter "You aren't serious"
A warm, big hand grabs him by the shoulder and he's suddenly staring upwards, first at the ceiling and then at Yamaguchi's face "I am, very"
"Well, I don't see how" he says "it was obvious from the start"
"No it wasn't Tsukki"
"They were always together, he went out of his way to take care of Kenma"
"Well so were we, and so did you"
Tsukishima opens his mouth, and closes it, ad opens it again "That's completely different"
"You… you" Yamaguchi blushes "You slept together for a year"
"Yeah, as he pinned over Kenma and I fucking fell for him like the idiot I am" he says, finally snapping on what he has never told anyone, not into the time when it was killing him, not in the eight years that followed. "And I never expected anything else but now he has thrown me away just like I always knew he would"
He turns to his side again, forcibly and buries his face into the pillow "…Tsukki" Yamaguchi says in a small voice "You're not an idiot"
Kei furiously presses his face to the fabric "Tell me what happened"
Footsteps, when he next opens his eyes, Yamaguchi's face is right in front of his, and he's sure that the brunette meant what happened on Friday, but so much more pours out, so much, how their strange arrangement began, how he moved in, how he came to love the legal babble and the late dinners, how much he sometimes hated himself for despising Kenma despite the other man being genuinely nice and friendly, how Kuroo would smile when they woke up together in bed and neither had or wanted to move from the comfortable positions, how Kuroo held him when he was having panic attacks over midterms and how shadows would cross his face whenever someone mentioned his parents.
He tells Yamaguchi that he came to love Kuroo, that when everything went down the drain, he preferred having the older man's rage and hate than letting thins go, that it took an offer so good that only a fool wouldn't accept –that he wouldn't have accepted if things had been how he so desperately wished and knew he didn't deserve- to get him to leave their apartment, that he was barely a person for a while afterwards, that meeting him again had somehow made him happy as his heart caught fire and that he had almost left the man alone in the apartment out of both shame and confusion, but had felt that then he'd lose Kuroo completely, only to find that such a thing was probably what the dark haired man wished for.
Yamaguchi is looking at him with sad eyes by the end, and before he can steel himself, his friend has him trapped in a rather firm hug "I'm sorry I didn't notice Tsukki" there are silent tears sliding down both their cheeks, Kei ignores it for now "But, I'm telling you, I'm sure he felt something for you, we all could see it"
"Don't try to give me false hope"
"You should try to talk to him"
"About what? A crush from eight years ago?"
"No, about what you feel now" Yamaguchi rubs his nose "Kenma-san is in the States, you know? And he was in France for a year before that"
"How do you know?"
The other shrugs "I talk a lot with Hinata-kun and he talks a lot with Lev"
"Oh"
"Tsukki, if you don't want to, I understand" the other says in an even tone "It's obviously going to be hard and we all look for love however we can, but please don't do things like this."
"Yes, I know, I worry you, yada yada, am I allowed up now?"
"Once Akiteru-san and Hitoka re done with your vacation leave" too tired to argue, Tsukishima glares at his friend "Sorry Tsukki"
"It better don't extend past a week"
"I don't think it will"
Thoughtful, he sinks back into his pillow "Why would you think he felt anything for me though?" he says quietly and hates how vulnerable his voice is.
Yamaguchi stands up "Because he looked at you like you looked at him, and because, despite everything that you just told me, he didn't leave first" his friend heads for the door, but turns to Tsukishima in the last moment "Think about it, Tsukki, was he ever with anyone else while you two lasted?"
And then his friend is gone and Kei's brain is overcharging
.
.
Slender hands grip his waist and the man shivers and writhes beneath Tetsuro, his partner is quiet, but squirms in an enticing way once Kuroo enters him.
The arch of the other man's back is wrong, and so is his expression.
The feeling in Kuroo's chest when the other comes with a shuddering breath is beyond wrong, and it won't leave even when his own orgasm washes over him.
Once they're done, both men light up their cigarettes.
All of it feels so damned mechanic and Tetsuro wants to scream.
"Kuroo-san" Kirishima smiles, his silvery hair falls in front of a pair of rather unremarkable brown eyes. "Have you submitted the end documents for the Anjou case?"
Kirishima is like this, always, right back to business, it's never bothered Kuroo much, they're purely interested in each other for sex and getting right back to business isn't that bad a thing in his opinion.
Still, this is the last thing he wants to hear right now, mostly because he'd need his pen drive for that and it's attached to his wallet.
A wallet that he hasn't seen since he left Tsukki's house that awful morning.
He's come to terms with it now, it was awful, and he was a coward, but what else could he have done, even if he admits that the love he once felt for the blonde was only asleep somewhere in his mind and is now raging and awake and ravenous, there is absolutely no way that he can put himself out there again, not like this and even less with the same man.
He didn't lose much, his ID and bank cards were in the car –and he can hear Kenma laughing at him for being so adverse to storing his files on a Drive- but the damned pen drive and his professional card were there, the card isn't much of a problem, getting a new one will be a hassle and if he were working as an attorney, it'd be difficult, but so long as the courthouse has his registry number, no one will complain.
But he really needs that pen drive.
He wonders if breaking and entering would be justified in this situation, it's not like he's going to steal anything.
"I'll do it sometime tomorrow "
"Sure"
The next day however, a Friday no less, it has been a gruelingly long week, he finds his wallet, pen drive and all on the front desk of the courthouse, unfortunately attached to the hand of a certain crow.
Yamaguchi is looking up at him with both pity and some anger "Y-You look good Kuroo-san"
He smirks halfheartedly "So do you freckles"
"I brought you your Waller, umm-"
"Thanks" he reaches out, but Yamaguchi has some nice reflexes, and he holds it out of his reach just in time.
"I want to talk to you Kuroo-san"
For a second he has a rather stupid though that this man has finally seen the gem that he had pinning after him all throughout high school and is here to tell him off, but the thought is quickly scrapped, Yamaguchi's hand is firmly set on the hand that is holding his wallet and he has a beautiful wife and a probably adorable daughter.
He feels like a bitter old man for begrudging the brunette his long years of happiness, for begrudging him Tsukishima's love and his own disgrace.
There's a seriousness to Yamaguchi's face too, a determination that he has seldom seen in the freckled man "About what, pray I tell?"
"I found this in Tsukki's apartment" Kuroo nods.
"Yes, I was there" he slips into a more formal tone and manner of speech, suddenly feeling like he's being scolded.
"I-We, look, I can't tell you much because Tsukki wouldn't like it and-"
Tsukki wouldn't like what exactly? Is he actually being told to back off? He glances at his clock, there isn't that much time until his first hearing "To the point?"
"It isn't my place, I know" Yamaguchi starts, tentatively "But you guys really need to talk, taking Tsukki home has to have been…"
"Taking him home from what?" his eyes widen, Kei hasn't been hurt has he? He wasn't very stab that day, what if it happened again when he was out, what if some scumbag…Fuck.
"Well, you can- you can go find out yourself?" Yamaguchi says heaving a breath.
"I have work, I can't- that's why I'm asking" the other man gives him a withering look, like he knows everything, he probably knows everything "Look, I don't know what good, me going to see him-"
"Well that's why you should" Yamaguchi gingerly hands him his wallet "But I guess I can't help it if you don't" the brunette sighs "Just, try to think things through if you do"
What the hell is this man talking about? Could it be- he crushes the happy delusions, there is no way he could have been so wrong, no way he could be so blind, and yet even if he wasn't, if something's wrong then he…
Yamaguchi is already tuning to leave when Kuroo speaks "Yamaguchi, is he… Alright?"
The other shifts his eyes towards him "You tell me"
And then he leaves, but not before saying "Kuroo-san you haven't been sleeping well, have you?"
The rest of the day passes in an awful rush, he's completely absorbed in his thoughts and the cases he has to handle on the outside do not help. There are entirely too many creeps in Tokyo, and of the five cases he handles in some way during the day, three just add fuel to his paranoia, to think that anything may have happened to Tsukishima, to think that one of these creeps may have put their dirty paws on him makes his blood boil.
Even if it's not the case, as the rational side of his mind assures him it probably isn't, there clearly something wrong, for the usually unassuming Yamaguchi to be so stern towards someone in whose presence he used to slightly shake, there must be.
And he imagines that Tsukki never called him up of his own volition, it must have been bad enough that Yamaguchi showed up out of concern and company things can happen in a week.
He uses his lunch break to get ahead on paperwork, to make sure that he'll be free in the evening, even if it's only to be thrown a disinterested glance and laughed in the face, he knows that he won't forgive himself if the moment he is available he doesn't go see for himself what has happened, even if it has nothing to do with him, even if he finds Tsukki sharing dinner with some lover, the feelings that have fed off of god knows what for the past eight years will destroy him if he stays still.
Once his last hearing is out, he sprints past the crowd of tired heel wearing women and high collared men, paying no mind to who he runs into, his car is on even faster than it was a week ago and he stresses over everything as he rides slowly through a traffic jam towards Tsukishima's neighborhood.
Once there, he only gets lost twice before the white building comes into view, the doorman is asleep, thankfully, because being announced could mean everything.
He sneaks past the sleeping man, amused at how the scene must look, especially because he hasn't changed from his robes.
The lift opens in floor five, and he's met with a familiar face.
A strong hand grabs him by the collar, the other man's superior height plays to his advantage and Tsukishima Akiteru looks as if he really wants to punch him in the face.
The doors close behind them.
The other man surveys him icily "Good, you're here"
Kuroo is truly speechless.
"I swear to-"he shoves Kuroo to the right, towards Kei's apartment "Sort yourselves out" the man's visage softens "will you?"
And Kuroo doesn't say anything, he wouldn't know what to, he just turns around and walks towards his demise.
He rings the doorbell four times before there's some shuffling inside "…Ming Akiteru did you" and the door opens "Forget something?"
The man's eyes widen, and if Kuroo didn't know him as well as he does –because he still does, no matter what- he wouldn't have been able to push his foot forward to jam the door when Kei tries to close it in his face.
"Tsukki" he pushes, but Kei puts all of his weight on the door.
"I'm sick, I don't want to see anyone right now" both push harder, but he easily overpowers Kei, so much that he is sent stumbling into the room and the door closes with a deafening sound.
He turns to look at Kei.
Now that he can pay attention, it's obvious enough why the other couldn't overpower him with the door. He's thinner than barely a week ago, not enough to look emancipated, of course, but for a week, the weight loss is evident on his wrists and the prominence of his cheekbones.
The dark circles under the blonde's eyes are deeper and darker than Tetsuro ever saw them when they lived together in uni. He's messy haired and wearing an old faded shirt that used to be a favorite of his and some worn sweats.
Tsukki's sick, sick and tired, and from the looks of him and the place, there is no way that he went to work today.
"What do you want?" he's looking down, his tone is bitter "Yamaguchi said he'd give you the wallet"
He can't think of what to say. Are you alright? Why do you look like this? Did someone hurt you? I'm sorry? I love you? Look me in the eye dammit? So he says the first other thing that pops in "I left… a sock here"
Open mouth, insert foot.
Tsukishima laughs bitterly "A… sock. Right" and he walks towards the room, still not meeting his eyes, when he turns however, Kuroo catches sight of something more, a purplish bruise on the front of the blonde's elbow.
He's dashing for him and grabbing the appendage before he can think of it "What did you do Tsukki?" drug dealers are fucking with his mind, he knows but still.
Their eyes meet, Kei looks tired "I got an IV"
"Why?" Kuroo isn't sure he wants to know, or rather, he is sure that he won't like what he hears.
"Overworked myself a bit" he roughly snatches the arm from Kuroo's hold "Had a heavy week"
He hums "You'd don't get an IV for that" he should know, he was known as the model intern in his first days at the firm.
"What do you care?" Tsukishima makes for his room, fast, and comes out with a piece of fabric. "Here's your sock"
The 'now leave' is implicit.
"I care" he says hotly.
"I'm fine, I would just really like it if you all left me alone"
"You don't look fine Tsukki"
"Well I am, do you not have any prosecutors or whatever to go fuck?"
He stares at the younger man, bewildered "No I don't"
"Then go find some, leave me be" the blond is shaking and Kuroo doesn't know what he's doing here, he doesn't and- Fuck it.
A microsecond later he's awkwardly hugging Tsukishima in the hallway.
The blonde shifts and struggles "Let go" he tries to kick him and the shaking intensifies, eventually he gets Kuroo good in the shin while trying to pull away and they both end up on the carpeted floor, tangled in his judge robe.
And Tsukki's not just shaking now, he's screaming and violently thrashing and Kuroo wants to kick himself because he's seen this before, not to this extent, but he knows what it is.
Slowly and carefully, he untangles them both from the robe, Kei is so shaken that he can't really think enough to stand up and it crushes Kuroo's heart to see it.
Slowly, he asks "Tsukki, can I touch you?"
A yelp and a "No" is all he gets, Kuroo bites his lip.
"Ok, that's fine" the other's breath is coming in shorter, harsher intervals "Can you touch me then?" he stretches out his palms, he still remembers, with Tsukki, contact tends to work the best "Just put your palms over mine"
Terrified eyes lift to his and Tsukishima nods, timidly holding out his hands.
He's freezing, and drill breathing erratically "Now, can you breathe with me?" He makes the motion exaggerated and Tsukki tries to mimic it, after a few unsuccessful attempts, he makes it "Good, that's very good, you're doing well"
They stay like that for a few minutes "Do you need anything?"
"Leave me" there's so much pain in those eyes "please"
"No can do" Kuroo says, he wants to hug the other again, but it wouldn't go down well "anything else?" Tsukishima shakes his head.
Eventually, he has calmed down enough that Kuroo feels safe saying something again "Do you want to lie down?" A nod "In your room?"
"No" the other croaks
"Here?" another nod "Come here?" he probably looks stupid, patting his lap, but when Kei leans down and actually lays his head on it, it's heaven for every reason possible, Tetsuro lets out a sigh of relief.
Slowly, very slowly, he lifts his hand to the blond locks, giving Tsukishima every chance to pull away, yet when his hand comes to bury itself in the other's hair, Kei leans into it.
He's not quite like the Kei Kuroo is used to seeing, so open and vulnerable.
But the man's expression makes him never want to let go, never.
And as the shadows shift over their bodies, Kei speaks "Why do you try?"
There's no need for him to explain, they both know what he's talking about "Because I can't not try" he says, simply.
This tears a self-deprecating smile from Kei "I'm not worth your time"
"You are"
Why can't he see? And yet Kuroo knows that Tsukishima has always, always been like this even before this nearly decade long mess started. "You are"
"No I'm not Kuroo" he starts "I'm me, and you have better people to worry about"
"You're the only one I have to worry about, you know? And I kind of like it" he likes taking care of this mess of a person, likes seeing that he eats and sleeps well, likes just sitting across from him in an armchair as he reads about incomprehensible chemicals, he likes Kei altogether.
Tsukishima just sighs "Could you tell me what happened now?"
"I really just overworked myself, Akiteru and Yamaguchi overreacted"
"I don't think they did"
"Maybe not" the shrug makes him want to shake Kei, not a good feeling and not in a good way.
Kuroo looks down, stroking Kei's soft hair, golden orbs are staring at him "Why though? You must have known you were overdoing it"
Tsukki scoffs "I told you, it's none of your business"
"It is when…" he stops, when what? Fuck, he doesn't know what to say. "When I-''
"When you what?" Kei says, getting up abruptly, suddenly enraged"we are nothing to each other Kuroo, we lived together for a bit yes, but now? All we are is a casual fuck" He draws his gaze away "I have nothing to tell you" And there's so much bitterness in his tone that the words are a whip and Kuroo is getting up and almost yelling, almost really shaking the fragile man in front of him.
"Well I have things to tell you" he takes a deep breath "You're so bitter, so dementedly aloof, for what huh? For what, don't you see we care?" Tsukishima opens his mouth and no sounds come out "I can't leave you like this, I can't but I can't do this again Tsukki, it already tore me apart once and…"
He's shaking now and the glassy eyed man on the floor is staring at him like he has just ripped his heart out "what are you waiting for then? Leave"
"You say it like it's easy" he grumbles.
"Well it was a week ago, wasn't it? You left like a breeze" venom drips from his tone again "please don't make this something it isn't, you don't care for me, there's no reason for you to" and he's talking in a resigned way, like it's common knowledge, Kuroo hates that Kei hates himself so much.
And so he yells "Do you think it was? But as you see me you wouldn't have wanted me there, I know that much." He takes a deep breath "Do you think it's easy, knowing you just used me and that I agreed wholeheartedly while I knew! Even if I-"
His knees hit the carpeted floor and Tetsuro is shaking in front of a wide eyed Tsukishima. "You-"
"I can't do this again Tsukki" he sobs with is head bowed "I can't watch you leave when you're done with me again"
Tetsuro doesn't see it, but he feels the soft fingertips tracing his cheek, when he does look up, Kei staring with the most confused expression ever "Well, I didn't want to leave" his voice cracks up "Not really, b-but I was making you miserable, and you didn't" he breathes in deep "You didn't want me around anymore, you had your friends, you had Kenma"
Kuroo blinks, wanting nothing more than to kiss away the tears that are forming on the corners of Kei's eyes "I've always had Kenma, what does he have to do with this?"
Kei smiles sadly, his face is obscured in the dying afternoon and this whole situation is sort of ridiculous "Well you loved him, didn't you? And I was just there"
"Tsukki, listen, I haven't like Kenma as more than a friend since second year of high school, he's my best friend and you… you were in love with someone else anyway"
Its Kei's turn to be flabbergasted "I liked who, you say?"
Kuroo cranes his head to the side "Yamaguchi, obviously, but he had-" And then Kei is laughing, laughing so hard that he almost collapses on the floor again and Kuroo wants to reach out to him and kiss that mouth "I… never haha have liked Yama" his gaze turns serious "Never"
And Kuroo feels like an idiot, like a royal idiot because if not for that then what was his whole cloud of suffering and pinning for, if Tsukki loved someone, and he did, he had been able to tell then…
"Tetsuro" hearing his first name from Kei breaks him a little "It's going to sound- I- did you ever… feel anything like that… for me?"
It's the moment, je figures, there's never going to be a better, more appropriate one than here, sitting in the carpet with fresh tear tracks on his face and wearing a rumpled robe while Kei looks like he just survived a natural disaster and is at the same time the most beautiful thing Kuroo has ever laid his eyes on. "Yeah. Back then… and now. Please don't hate me Tsukki"
The taller man's expression transforms, shifts into something very akin to joy mixed with a little despair and it's like he's petrified "I wouldn't…" he chokes, and for the first time in all of the time they've known each other Kuroo sees tears fall from Kei's eyes "I- me too… you idiot"
His arms are around the younger man in a second, and Tetsuro's heart is pounding like crazy as his elated mind tries to process everything, every syllable and action and all he can really think about are Tsukki's tears soaking into his clothes and his head on his shoulder.
Shy hands come to circle his neck, and the other lifts his face and while Tetsuro is marveling at how Kei is looking at him the blond smashes their lips together.
.
.
They're lying in the couch now, at some point Tetsuro moved them here, muttering something about how Kei is still weak and though he know the older man is coddling him, Kei is inclined to let him, this time.
Plus, being cuddled into his warm broad chest is the best feeling that Kei has had in weeks "We still need to talk you know?" the other man says in a gravelly voice, usually, he would shut him up with a kiss but Kei agrees, as the mild state of shock from both the panic attack and the emotionally draining situation dissipates, he finds himself pondering on how much they suffered for a few unspoken words.
"Yeah, should I bring out some bourbon" He says, despite everything, it's going to be a painful conversation, he knows.
Kei can feel Tetsuro's surprise "Right now?"
Tsukishima shrugs "If you want to, why not?"
Tetsuro smiles peacefully and Kei gets up and goes to get the bottle. As he fiddles with the cabinet in the kitchen, he notices the other playing with the rim of his robe restlessly "You can light up" he calls out from the kitchen "I don't mind"
Tetsuro says nothing but a second later he hears a rustling of fabric and the flicker of the lighter. It's not like Kei minds, he has missed so many things of Kuroo's and though he isn't all that keen on smoking himself, it is a scent that he associates with the man.
He gets back and serves both of them a glass, ready to refill when Tetsuro downs his in one go "So how do we do this?" he asks, slightly nervous, taking a drink from his own glass.
"We just ask I guess" Kuroo says "You can start"
"Why did you leave last week?"
"I didn't think I would be able to if I stayed any longer, I didn't want to get attached again Tsukki, it almost killed me the first time" Kei drains his glass and serves himself another, relishing the warmth that slides down his throat "How did you… What happened after I left?"
He dreads this question, he knows he's going to look awful, pathetic, could Kuroo, strong Kuroo want someone who can't even handle a small rejection. But he's been quiet for so long, so long and if he keeps on hiding things, Kei knows they'll go down the path they did before "I went to the lab" he looks down, suddenly very interested in the rather scant print of his sofa "And I picked up orders, I only came back to get some clothes, I guess I didn't really realize how weak I was getting until…" he lifts his gaze, but Kuroo is still staring at him attentively Akiteru and Yamaguchi showed up, my interns had called them and I just blacked out in front of them"
"Tsukki" the voice is breathless, full of worry.
"Pathetic, right? They even had Yachi come by, she ran some tests, said it was anemia… slight malnutrition"
Kuroo's strong arm surrounds him and strokes over his arm, Kei knows he's shaking. And hates it really "Well, I know why your brother looked like he wanted to punch me now" Kuroo says softly and Kei leans into him "I'm sorry, I'm not going to make you do something like that again" Tsukishima just nods "It's your turn"
He thinks for a full minute, and turns to Kuroo in the small space that the embrace allows, staring at the man's profile as he blows out smoke slowly "When you spent those two days drinking, after we fought, was it me?"
The other sighs "Yeah, I was pretty convinced you were head over heels with Yamaguchi, and you had said some pretty harsh things too" he sighs "When did you decide to leave?"
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry" Kei says, refilling his empty glass, already feeling the buzz "After we- the party you threw for Kenma"
Kuroo's mouth forms an 'o' and his eyes go dark "Those times, when we did it like that, didn't you hate me Tsukki? I was hurting you on purpose"
"I was too, I wanted you to see me, I provoked you..." he halts "And I've always liked it a bit rough, you know that" Kuroo turns to look at him and takes a drag, Kei finds himself overcome by a weird idea "Blow this way"
Kuroo's eyes widen and he chokes, sending him into a coughing fit "What?"
"I want to try it" he says, feeling sort of like a little kid.
A mischievous glint takes over Kuroo's eyes and wordlessly he takes another drag, Kei draws close, almost enough to kiss him, and when the other man blows, he sucks the bitter smoke deep into himself, feels it as it travels down his lungs. When his eyes open again Tetsuro is watching him with predatory eyes.
"Has there been anyone else?" he must realize the ambiguity of the statement, because the older man corrects himself "Not that you've been with, just…"
"No" he looks away, embarrassed "No one"
"And there won't be" Kuroo maneuvers one of his hands under Kei's knees and lowers the one that's around his shoulders to hold him from his armpits.
Kei blushes, there's something ceremonial about it, Kuroo doesn't even kiss him as he carefully carries the blonde to the room and all the while Kei is almost panicking, he has never even been on the buffer side of the spectrum, but with his recent spell of self-imposed inanition, his ribs have begun showing and so have the bones of his hips.
When Tetsuro lays him down there is an apology and a question in his eyes.
As self-conscious as he is, Kei nods and he's glad that he isn't wearing his glasses for once.
Tetsuro's fingers find the edge of his shirt and drag it up, Kei's back arches and his arms lift to make it easier and as soon as it's fully off he's kissing the other man and clawing at the black judge robes. He likes them, and maybe some other day he'll ask the man to keep them on, right now however all he wants is to feel Tetsuro's skin flush against his, not a millimeter of any other material separating them.
Kuroo pulls away for a second to allow him to take off the black fabric with a hurried motion.
The adoration in the dark haired man's gaze is enough to blow any of Kei's doubts away, and so, he reaches for the buttons on Tetsuro's shirt.
.
.
Kei's in a rush, that much is obvious, he isn't much better though, when his hands rip the blonde's pants off, he's a little too glad to find that he has apparently taken up going commando at home.
Kei's flushed, panting beneath him, the pink tint extends from the younger man's cheeks and down to his chest. He's Bonner than Kuroo remembers, and a small pang of regret goes through him when he remembers how it is that this has come to be, but then Kei grabs a howls of his belt an whimpers, and he decide that he'll make up for everything from now on, no more looking back to lament things, not when he has the most alluring creature in the world wanting him back in both body and mind, loving him back as he apparently has since they began clumsily walking this path of bitter shadows and confusion that had them trip all over unreal things until they finally found each other here.
His pants find the floor soon enough as Kei climbs into his lap and grinds down while they messily join their lips and Tetsuro's hands run up and down the length of muscled thighs.
"Tetsu, please" The nickname sends a pleased shiver down his back, and he can't help but comply, he grabs Kei by the sides and turns him around, pushing him down so his chest is pressed to the mattress and he's spread open in front of him.
Kei doesn't have lube in his room, he remembers from last time.
Tetsuro licks a strip up one of his thighs, leaving little bites here and there, marveling at how they redden in stark contrast to the pale skin.
He presses his lips to Kei's entrance next, and is rewarded with a low whimper that becomes a sting as he laps at it slowly, sensuously and his tongue just threatens to dip in, but does not quite do so until one of his finger slips in too and starts softly massaging Kei's prostrate
The younger man's hips are buckling now and he's trembling from the pleasure, when Tetsuro is two fingers in and the blonde figures out that he plans to take his time with this, he find that the younger has turned sound and all but climbed back into his lap.
"You can take your time later" he says lowly as his hips build a rhythm rubbing their erections through the thin layer of fabric of Kuroo's boxers "I'm not going to break"
"I know" he nuzzles Kei's neck and bites down, surely leaving a mark as his fingers slip back into the man, this time more roughly, ripping little surprised whimpers from Kei as he jabs at his prostrate relentlessly and slips a third finger in. Tetsuro feels himself losing what little control he has left, a raw animalistic hunger pushing the tenderness aside from the moment "You still like getting finger fucked huh?"
All the response he gets is a rather high pitched moan and the sensation of wetness brushing against his stomach.
Kei's fingers start tugging at the waistband of his boxers and Tetsuro lifts his hips until the younger man manages to slip them halfway down his thighs and then all but shimmies out of them –the movement rips some more little sounds form Kei and he's probably the most aroused he has ever been- by the time that they hit the floor, his fingers have withdrawn for the blonde's entrance and Kei's holding his hips up, suspended over Tetsuro's cock.
And he starts sinking down.
Engulfed by the younger man's heat, feeling as his nails leave marks on his back that will sting tomorrow, Tetsuro feels complete, his fingers curl around Kei's bony hips and lift his light body up, slowly, only for him to buck up and tear a startling cry from his partner's mouth.
He pulls back and thrusts again, hard and fast, and Kei is shivering, back arched like a bow, drool running down the corners of his mouth and hips pressing down insistent to be allowed to move.
Tetsuro complies, he lets go of the other's hips, and Kei slams down, exhausted and starts building a rhythm of his own, that the dark haired man meets, pleased.
Their moans escalate in depth and resonance, a cacophony that he's sure isn't pleasing the neighbors, but it's not like either cares, not like it matters, because in the morning they'll be together, and after that, and maybe all of the pain, the despair wasn't for nothing after all, even if a few well-chosen words could've made things perfect so much sooner.
They lost eight years but now there's all the time in the world.
Key comes first, bowing into Tetsuro's shoulder and biting down hard enough to draw blood, while the clenching and convulsing of his insides has Tetsuro grunting, burying himself deep into the young man and emptying himself inside.
As they come down from their highs, still clinging on to each other for dear life, Tetsuro hears it, said in a small, frail voice. "I love you"
"I love you too" he responds, meaning every syllable.
Kuroo lays his lover down, and leans back to watch Kei as he gains some more awareness and the blessed out expression is replaced by a playful scowl "We're not done yet are we?"
The dark haired man dives in for a kiss.
No, by far they're not done yet.
.
.
Kuroo Tetsuro wakes up to the scent of coffee filling the house and Tsukishima Kei's lips.
Oh, my god. Was this too OOC? Especially on Kei's side, I mean ugh, they're such cute creampuffs, I was aching to write them all happy and fluffy but I think I failed?
Actually, this fic ended around four times in a similar note to the first, but I wanted to make them happy and… yeah.
Do tell me what you think of it.