Santana couldn't help it.
She'd done all she could, and it still wasn't enough.
Brittany had stuck with her through thick and thin...and yet...
Santana Lopez never cried.
Crying was for people who couldn't handle everything life threw at them. Crying was for people who didn't know what hard was.
But still, here was Santana, HBIC of William McKinley High School, rifling through her collection of vinyls and bawling like she'd just watched someone die in her arms.
Santana hadn't cried like this since her father left and her mother took to the bottle. Sure, she'd never watched someone literally die, but she'd seen people lose their will to live.
Santana laughed bitterly, her mouth letting the salty tears in for no more than a second. She had watched someone- or rather, something- die today.
Her musings almost made her pass by the record she had been so desperately searching her room for. The tears increased tenfold as she shakily placed the record on her father's old purple player (the one thing he left her to remember him by). After placing the needle and turning the volume all the way up, Santana collapsed on her zebra print rug and lost herself in the music.
Good times, for a change
See the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad
Santana's father had left.
Her mother no longer seemed to acknowledge her existence, except for the occasional bout of soberness and a shopping spree for Santana to ease her guilt.
Her older brother, Carlos, had gotten away from the toxic enviroment that was the Lopez home as soon as he turned 18 (which was a year or so after their father had left) and never looked back.
Hell, even her puppy ran away, never to return.
But Brittany...Santana had thought that Brittany would stay.
So, please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time
She had thought that she would rather die than actually let herself have feelings for someone.
Having feelings only led to want, and want always led to disappointment.
She had wanted for her father to love her mother, for her mom to put down the bottle, for her brother to come back- Santana just wanted to be loved.
Freshman year of highschool, five years after her world had fallen apart, Santana had found Brittany Susan Pierce.
She thought she had found that one person worth risking the safety of her fragile heart.
Brittany was the one person who made Santana feel like she wasn't damaged goods.
The one friend who would stand by her side no matter what she did.
The one who had made her feel like she was worth something.
Brittany, quite frankly, made Santana fall in love.
The young woman had wormed her way into Santana's heart without her noticing.
She made Santana want her.
She forced Santana think about the feelings she constantly tried to stamp out.
Brittany had made Santana want to offer up her heart, made her think that maybe opening herself up so completely wouldn't end badly.
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man go bad
Summer before their junior year...
The first person Santana told the story... of her father leaving, of her brother leaving, of her mother steadily turning toward alcohol for comfort to had been...Brittany.
She had thought that Brittany would leave her then and there, not bothering to to stay at Santana's house until the morning.
Santana thought she'd never see Brittany again.
Yet Brittany, in her infinite wisdom, kissed Santana.
She then made love Santana to make her forget she had ever been abandoned.
Brittany became something entirely new to Santana that night...
The first...only...woman she fell in love with.
So, for once in my life
Fast forward to the present.
Brittany is with Artie.
Santana is "with" Sam.
The two girls haven't spoken since...
Well, since earlier that day. When Brittany...
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first- the first- fir- ti- ti- time-time-
Santana cursed as the record skipped.
Could nothing go right in her life?
She thought that maybe, after everything her and Brittany had been through...
Santana had laid out her heart to Brittany. Her body had shook with the magnitude of what she was saying to her in that crowded hallway. Santana-
She loved Brittany.
She had ever since the moment they met, if she was being honest with herself.
Brittany...
Santana couldn't even think her name without remembering how... Brittany... had shattered her heart all over the floor of William McKinley.
She had loved her.
Santana had loved her for so, so long.
She had thought that Bri...that she had loved her back.
...
Santana didn't just want her...she needed her.
She needed Brittany to love her back. She needed to be Brittany's first choice.
That's why she risked it all.
Santana risked it all...her social status...her heart...in the hope, that maybe, for once she'd be someone's first choice.
She had risked it all...
Only to have Artie's feelings come before hers...
To come as second choice for the umpteenth time...
Only to lose what she wanted...who she needed...
Only to watch her heart die a slow, painful death in her proverbial arms.
Santana started shaking and, as the record finally sorted itself out, blacked out.
Lord knows, it would be the first time.
A/N: The song is "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want." by The Smiths...which came on my shuffle as I was putting on the finishing touches- true story.
P.s. This first chapter was (sort of) inspired by .com 's fanart.