Daddy's Little Girl
~And then I finally realized why with girls, it's always "daddy's little girl." Dads love you unconditionally, protect you, and make you feel safe, encourage dreams, and make you feel invincible. Moms simply can't do that. Despite their greatest efforts, their habit of making their daughters feel worthless and ugly dooms them to forever be second best.~
Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed. Your father would be so disappointed...
Those were the only words ringing in my ears, plaguing my mind. I couldn't forget those words, not even for a second. Those were the last words my mother had spoken to me tonight before I left. I hated it when my mom pulled that card because I could never ignore the fact that my mother was probably right. Maybe my dad would be disappointed in me. It's not like I was that great of a kid anymore. I'd grown up and adapted to the world of high school. For better or worse, I was different now.
"Your dad would NOT be disappointed in you." Grey practically glared at me, willing me to believe his words. "You're beautiful, strong, independent…" he trailed off.
"But I've changed. I'm not as nice as I used to be, I can't stand being at home, and I say things I know I shouldn't…" I argued, biting my lip. I knew I wouldn't win this argument with him. It was hard to argue with someone who-for some unknown reason-thought the world of you.
"Your mother is wrong." Grey said, ending the conversation.
Grey was perfectly aware of how my mother could be. She was a nice woman, for the most part. A little judgmental but other than that she was nice. But when she was stressed or in a mood, it would get taken out on me, Lexia. Sometimes my mother made me feel like she was worthless, ugly, stupid, fat, irresponsible, uncaring, incompetent, and the list goes on. But she didn't USUALLY mean to, though sometimes the cards she pulled were low (e.g. your father would be so disappointed, or I don't have your dad here anymore to help out.)
"I agree with Grey," Vee said matter-of-factly. "Your mom isn't being fair. She doesn't have the right to tell you whether or not your father would be proud, which he would, by the way."
"Thanks guys." I said, just to end the argument. I always got tired of these discussions. I love my mom and my friends but discussing my mom with my friends or even my friends with my mom, was not one of my favorite things.
Matter of fact, my family was NOT something I really liked talking about with anyone, at all As good as their intentions were, my friends didn't really understand where I was coming from. Yes, they were empathetic, but there was only a certain point to which they could empathize with considering they didn't know exactly how it felt to lose a parent. Okay, so maybe I wasn't being entirely fair. I knew Grey's parents had gotten a divorce and his dad now lived 2 hours away. But losing someone that way and losing someone due to death were entirely different things.
Most of the memories of this were suppressed but there were the few details I remembered vividly; dad sick at home with hospice taking care of him, dad throwing up because he was so sick from the chemo. Well there are other people who understand, but my friends weren't among them. They were sad for me, of course, and tried to help but sometimes all I really needed was to think things out for myself. As thoughtful as it was for my friends to try and make me feel better, it didn't always help-in fact, it sometimes made it worse. But there were those other times, when they did help and I was glad they were there.
Anyway, the point is, I watched him die for 8 years, and now anytime my mom used that as a guilt trip card, it kinda sucked for me. Despite my best efforts to get over it or hide it, I missed him more than anyone knew.
"Alright, so anyway..." I said awkwardly, attempting to change the subject. Grey pulled me in for a hug, and I pushed him away-or rather tried. He was a lot stronger than me, so even when I didn't really want his sympathy-that would be about every time he tried to give me his sympathy-I got it. He knew how I felt about him showing sympathy, but he continued to do it because he had a sort of hero complex. To be fair, so did I, I was just better at it than him because at times, he could be extremely selfish; I on the other hand, helped everyone else around I almost all the time without asking for anything in return. Or so said Vee, anyway. I had a hard time believing that I was capable of being that selfless, but who knows, maybe Vee saw something in me that I didn't see myself.
"Ugh, get away!" I said, faking disgust at Grey's attempt at comforting me. "Despite your hero complex, you can't fix everyone that's broken! It doesn't work that way!" I half laughed as I dodged another of his sympathy hugs.
"But I can try!" Grey grinned.
"You two are ridiculous," Vee said from her seat.
"Oh, you think I'm ridiculous, do you?" Grey said, turning his full attention to her. He walked slowly over to her, then abruptly just sat on her lap.
"Ooof." Vee made a noise as he sat. "Really? You're gonna be that guy?" She half laughed, putting her normal inflection on 'that,' as in 'that guy who does *insert action here*. It was just something she'd started saying, and it had caught on in our little group. Now no matter what, you were *that* guy.
"Yes, I most certainly AM going to be that guy." Grey said, re-situating himself so that they were sort of sharing the seat. He turned and kissed her.
"Ugh. Get a room!" I said, only half serious.
"We are not THAT bad." they said together. "At least we're not that couple."
"Pffft. That's just what you think." I laughed.
"We're not as bad as Falon and Anna." they said.
"No, but I'm just around it so much it doesn't even matter. It just seems like you're that couple." I said, laughing. "Plus the other day at your house..." I trailed off, giving Grey an 'I hate you' look.
"You know I love you! And you gave us permission!" Grey said, reaching out and tapping my nose. He knew I hated it when he did that.
"Yes, but only because I didn't want you making out and God knows what else behind me, where I had to listen." I said.
"Oh shut up. It's not like we did anything." Vee glared at me, completely serious. "Stop telling everyone stuff that didn't happen!"
"I'm only kidding. And I think I deserve to give you a little crap, all things considered." I laughed, "Lighten up!" I said. "I'm going on a walk, I'll be back later." I said to no one in particular as I left the house. Even though I would never admit in a million years to anyone that it bothered me, it kind of did, that they were together and happy. I mean, I was glad they were happy, don't get me wrong, both of them deserved every happiness in the world. But I was always kind of jealous of them. They had each other. Me? I had them, but the irrational part of me wanted something more. The rational half of me said 'you don't need a guy to make you happy' but of course, that didn't change the fact that it was nice to have a guy.
What would he think of me now? My grade is slipping in one of my classes, and it's because I never do any of the homework on my own, I don't think about anything school related anymore, I'm selfish, I say things I know I shouldn't, I think about things I know I shouldn't, and...ugh. I can't stand myself sometimes. I need him to be proud of me, but I can't keep this up any longer, not without him here to tell me he's proud of me. To tell me to keep going, that I can do it...
My thoughts trailed off, as I just walked aimlessly for what seemed like ever. I just walked, and thought. And when I couldn't think anymore, I just walked. Finally, as the sun started getting lower in the sky, I headed back to Vee's. As I was walking back in, Grey was just leaving. "Bye, Vee..." he said, a little sad. He hated leaving her, even though he'd probably see her a lot more this weekend, and all week next week at school and probably after school. They were in the habit of spending ridiculous amounts of time together. I turned back around and started to walk back down the street to give them a little privacy, as he gave her a long, lingering kiss goodbye. Ugh, why was I even enabling this? Finally, when he was done with his ridiculous farewell, I walked back up Vee's front steps and followed her inside. We went to her living room (she called it the Florida room) and sat down.
"Well I trust you two had a good time?" I winked at her.
"Shut up!" she laughed and threw a pillow at me. "Yes. We did, thank you very much." She stuck her tongue out at me.
"I know where that tongue's been!" I smiled sweetly at her.
"Ugh. I'm so sorry." she said. And I knew she was. Grey wasn't, no, he was never sorry, but she was sorry that I had to witness that. She actually cared. Ah well, not like it mattered.
"It's fine." I said, brushing her apology off because I knew it would just happen again, and it was partially my fault for hanging around them so much. "Let's watch a movie." I said.
"Alright, what movie?" Vee got up, immediately going to her cabinet with the movies.
"I don't care. Moulin Rouge?" I asked.
"YES. HECK YES." she said, excited. This was one of our favorite movies. It was one of my favorite movies in part, because of the music, but more so because it didn't end with that stupid, oh-so-perfect happily-ever-after. It actually ended quite depressingly, which is the main reason I loved it so much. Yes, I know, I'm ridiculous. But whatever. So that's how our night ended. We watched Moulin Rouge, among other movies, and fell asleep around 2. And that's about how our night went.
-Alright, so I SUCK at organizing my thoughts. Like at all. Especially since I wrote the first half of this on Sunday and just now finished it. I guess it's only Tuesday, but still. But it's a little disorganized and I wasn't sure where to go with it at some parts. Sorry! I also wasn't sure how to end it. I think beginning and ending stories are the hardest part, for me at least, so it takes me forever to finish stories. Anyway, this story isn't THAT great, but it *did* help me understand what was going on in my head, I just put it into story format. The first half of this is basically my thought process on Sunday. The second half is bits and pieces of real events that have happened in the last few days. Hope you enjoy, but if not, please critique. n.n