Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Daredevil. The way I write the story is my own style. Enjoy!
I remember the feeling of love. But I never want to express that again to anyone...
Hi, I'm Karen... Karen Page. I write for the Bulletin. I love my job. I love investigating and being spontaneous while interviewing.
My job however, ruined one good thing in my life. My relationship with... Matt. Well maybe it wasn't my job that ruined us, maybe it was his.
When I discovered Matt was Daredevil, I felt unsafe. I look at him differently. And if I'm being honest with myself, I keep myself distant from him. Before, when he was just simple lawyer loving Matt our lives were perfect. We could hang out and laugh. Now I'm something or someone rather that can get him into trouble. My life is a flight risk because of who and what he is. And that really sucks for me... because I know deep down I still... love...him.
He never knew my true feelings and I wanted to tell him. But then the whole Daredevil thing happened. And well my feelings just don't matter anymore. So like I said I remember love but I don't want to experience it ever again. I hate seeing the man I love- go fighting into the night. I hate seeing him bloody and bruised. I want to be proud of him for this second life he lives- but I'm scared for him. And I know I am nothing but a threat to him.
Me and Foggy, are both threats. Any enemy of Daredevil could take us and torture us to use as leverage to get to Matt. I am not going to be leverage. And so I have to break my own heart, break my own friendship, and stay away from that crazy Matt Murdock.
It's been six months since I have spoken or seen him. I read stories of him in the Bulletin. I am jealous of the other reporters who get to get close to Matt. But I know in my heart and in the back of my head it's for the best.
And if Matt knew I murdered Mr. Wesley. Well wouldn't he look at me differently. I know it was self defense- my life or his. But Matt's catholic and he would never kill a soul. He would pray for souls, but never would he take one.
He doesn't know what it's like to kill. To see the life leaving someone's eyes. To see their eternal light fade and disappear into the night. I pray he never experiences this. And even though he chooses to fight, he is still a saint for not murdering.
I see Wesley in my nightmares, every night before I try to go to sleep. I hear the seven shots of my gun firing into his cold lifeless body. And I hear my heart stop as I look over the corpse of the man who took everything from me. And I hate him, in my sleep and I hate him in my memories. He has made me bitter and because of him, I can't be with Matt, and because of murder I can't be with Matt, and because of me... I can't be with...
Tears run down my face as they always do. I try to drown out Matt's memories and it's impossible. It's been half a year and I still love that man... He will never know...
I head to my apartment fridge and poor a glass of wine. Wine washes away all my memories. I hate being drunk but I hate thinking more.
"Hello, Karen!" A voice from across my apartment calls to me. I look at the clock and it's 2am on a Friday night.
I walk toward the voice. "Foggy is that you?"
The voice knocks at the door. "Karen open up, we need to talk."
I slowly open the apartment door. I don't want to be too inviting of strangers at this hour.
I open the door... fuck it's Matt.
"Hello... Matt." I feel shy. Like some timid deer in the headlights of a truck. I try to calm my heart down, but all I can hear is the pounding of my heart in my ears. And if I can hear it, I know Matt's senses are tuned into my bodily radio signals.
Shit he's not supposed to be here. We aren't friends anymore- we are done! DONE!
"Karen, can I have a beer?" He smirks. When he smirks, I see those familiar dimples that make me blush.
"Sure, let me grab you one. I know you didn't come all the way here to talk about beer, Matt." I said hurriedly.
"You're right. I wanted to let you know that Fisk is out of prison."
"I know, I work for the Bulletin remember?" I can feel my eyes rolling in the back of my head.
"Matt you shouldn't be here. I can't be apart of that life anymore. I just can't..."
"You can't be apart of that life... by that life you mean my life don't you?"
I wish I could tell him the truth about Wesley. The truth about how much I still want to be by his side, but I would only hurt him and him me.
"Yes," I say.
"Karen, I can tell your lying. You heart is fluttering way to much. So what's this really about?" Matt asks raising an eyebrow.
"Just because you can use your super senses on me, does not make you entitled to a truth you can't handle Matthew!" I yell.
"What truth is that Karen, I want to know!" He begs.
"You want the truth Matt Murdock? Well here it is... I can't be around you or Foggy anymore. Even though I miss you all daily, and I'm depressed as hell without you. I am a threat to you both.. and if you knew why you would hate me more than you do now..."
By now I am sure Matt can sense my fatigue, my anger and my pain. He knows I want to cry. He always knows there's no hiding from Matt's super powers. There's only total nakedness of emotion.
"I could never hate you Karen. I am hurt that you left without saying good bye. Why did you just leave like that?" I saw the sadness in his face. I didn't want to hurt him.
"I left because of an evil I have done... and that evil is mine to live with not yours. That evil I shall take to my grave. If you knew you would despise me. And look at me like I am a monster and perhaps I am..." I few tears break through my eyes and I cover my mouth with my hand. All desire to hide returns. There is no hiding from the hearer of heart beats.
I will never be able to hide from Matt, and perhaps I don't want to.
"What have you done, Karen?" My heart pounds louder than ever. My blood screams and my head spins.
"I have... I have...Do you remember Fisk's right hand man?"
"Yes what about him?"
"Awhile back he took me hostage. And he was going to kill me. So before he could kill me... I was forced into killing him. My life or his... and I chose to live. But now I am haunted by his face. I see him every night in my dreams, and I hate myself. I shot him seven times, I needed to make sure he was dead. I needed him dead so he could never kidnap me again... Matt take the beer with you, I think you should leave..."
I couldn't look at Matt. The look of shame on my face became the elephant in the room. Matt said nothing. I knew I had become a fallen angel to him that night.
Finally Matt broke the silence with, "It's not your fault Karen..." my body froze, I didn't expect a response like this from Matt.
I had no more strength to fight back. No more energy to pretend anymore. I quickly forgot who I was with and jumped into his arms for an embrace. I held him and balled my eyes out. Matt said the words I needed to hear. I needed to be welcomed back by him and Foggy. I need them in my life. I was a fool for not telling Matt. I quickly saw the selfishness of my ways.
"Thank you Matt. For not hating me for this."
"Is this why you ran away? Because you killed in self defense?" He asked.
"Yes and because I didn't want... I didn't want to give Fisk a reason to hurt you or Foggy. And don't go all Daredevil on me, you can't handle Fisk alone. Fisk will want to have me killed for this, and that's why I ran from you. I can't have Fisk destroying the only people who make me happy."
"I'm sorry you have been holding this in for so long. I am sorry I wasn't there to protect you Karen."
"Don't go blaming yourself. I saved myself this time. And you won't always be there Matt."
I look down and he is still holding me... me the idiot who ran away from him. I don't even try to break our embrace. I never want it to end, and I know my heart is beating faster and faster. I hope he hears it this time, I want him to know I ...love...
He breaks our hug. "Can I finish my beer now?" He smiles.
"Yes go ahead Matt." I say relieved to have my best friend beside me again. "Oh and Matt since it's late feel free to crash on my couch if you would like," I offer hoping he would linger. "I could make us pancakes in the morning and we could invite Foggy over."
He doesn't reply right away, but smiles that side smile of his. The one where his dimples flare and my heart drops. "That would be nice Karen. Good night."
"Good night Matt." I say as I head upstairs to my bedroom. My life got safer today because Murdock is back in my world. What used to feel unsafe, now feels safe again. Maybe little by little we can somehow be friends again.