Smart's Wonderful Life
Disclaimer: I don't own, "Get Smart," OR, "It's a Wonderful Life." If I did, I wouldn't be sitting at home writing a fiction about it. Dur!
A/N: I know that this isn't the most original idea, but it hasn't been done with GS before. * * * Christmas Eve in Washington D.C. wasn't as busy and bustling as you would expect it to be. It was no Bethlehem, but there was a certain peacefulness in the snow that drifted slowly down to the frosty ground. The streets were almost empty, except for a few lone shoppers, but for the most part, everyone was at home for the night, and all was silent. The only noises were children chattering excitedly to one another, and a few whispered prayers that ascended to heaven, as softly as the white snow fell.
"Please, God." Came a man's voice, from inside an oversized trashcan. "Help my friend, Maxwell Smart. He's a good man, even if he is clumsy. Watch over him."
Another, deeper voice sounded from a large apartment next to the White House. "God, I know he gives me migraines, and I yell at him an awful lot, but if you could please watch out for Max..Something's wrong with him. Please, God. He's like a son to me."
A third, more tearful woman's voice arose from a tiny church on the outskirts of town. "Oh, please God, please take care of Max. I love him, Lord. Even if he doesn't love me, please watch over him."
All over the city, murmurs of, "Help Max, God." And "Lord, watch over 86," floated from houses, apartments, churches, and even office buildings, and the prayers did not fall on deaf ears.
High above where birds and airplanes fly, an angel cloaked in white gazed down on the shimmering town. A second, taller one came to his side. "What's going on, Joseph?" Questioned the second angel.
"We seem to be getting a great deal of prayers for a certain Maxwell Smart."
"Hmm. Last year it was that George Bailey character, and now this. We get a new one every year!"
"I know, and we have to help them all. Whose turn is it this time?"
" Oh, it's the little brother of that Clarence, what's his name? Oh, yes, Elmer!"
"Ugh!" Cried Joseph. "He's even more simple minded than his brother!"
"Yes, and that just makes him all the more kind hearted and faithful." The second angel replied.
"I'll call him now. Elmer!" A short wingless angel appeared beside the first two.
"You called?"
"Yes, Elmer." Said the second spirit. "We have an assignment for you. Now, this one is very important, and if you complete it, just like your brother, you'll receive your wings."
"Oh! I'll give it my best shot. What's the job?" Elmer was jumping up and down with excitement.
"Well," Joseph explained. "There's a man down there by the name of Maxwell Smart: Agent 86 of CONTROL, loved by a lot of folks. He's seriously considering of doing exactly what your brother stopped George Bailey from doing."
Elmer gasped. "He's going to commit suicide?!"
"He is unless you convince him not to! Now, pay attention! I want you to learn a thing or two about the man you're going to save. We don't have time to go through his whole life, we'll just start at the beginning of his spying career."
"Oh! He's a secret agent? I read a book about that, and it strikes me as a very interesting profession. I think-"
"Never mind!" cried Joseph, pinching the bridge of his nose, "We don't have time for this! Just sit still and look straight into those stars. Focus, or you won't be able to see a thing." So, little Elmer focused with all his might, and slowly but surely, a hazy picture began to appear.
The rookie angel watched the first part of the, "film," in silence, but spoke up when the CONTROL agent rendezvoused with a lovely young lady in a chauffer outfit.
"She's beautiful!" cried Elmer, "Who is she?"
"That's Agent 99, your guy's future partner. Maxwell Smart fell in love the day he met her."
"Really? That's nice. With who?" Elmer asked stupidly.
Joseph smacked his forehead with his hand. "With 99, Elmer." He answered as though it pained him to do so.
"Oh! Did they ever get married?"
"They haven't yet. Imagine! They've been in love with each other for three years, and neither one of them has ever spoken up."
"Humph!" Clarence grumbled. "Youth is wasted on the wrong people!" The rest of the film went by without any interruption from Elmer, but when they got to the most important part, Joseph froze the picture.
"This, Elmer, is why Mr. Smart is planning shooting a bullet through his head. This is your mission.." * * *
Maxwell Smart strolled into the CONTROL lab, whistling, "Jingle Bells." It was his favorite time of year and tomorrow would be his favorite day. Christmas! Everything was going splendidly. He had just opened his Christmas bonus to find a little more money than he'd expected, he had only tripped twice and run into one wall since he had come to work, his partner (and secret love) and he had just been, "forced," to share a quick kiss under the mistletoe, and now he was on his way home for a two week vacation! What could be better? He just wanted to wish a Merry Christmas to his buddies in the lab.
86 approached the CONTROL scientist, Windish, who was deeply engrossed in perfecting one of his latest inventions. It appeared to be a pocket watch, but with Windish's contraptions, you just never knew.
"What've you got there, Windish?" Max asked curiously. "A telephone or a pocket pistol?"
Windish gave a grimace that Max mistook for a smile. The poor scientist's work always seemed to end up in a million pieces whenever Maxwell Smart was around. "This is a disguised laser. You push this knob, and whatever you're pointing it at vanishes." He demonstrated on a test dummy on the other side of the room.
"That's amazing!" Max cried in awe. "Do you mind if I take a closer look?" Without waiting for an answer, Max snatched up the watch and, despite Windish's sputtering protests, held it up to the light. It slipped out of his hand. Windish watched in horror as his wonderful creation dropped to the linoleum floor and crashed into oblivion. Max looked down at the mutilated laser, then up at its creator. "Er. Sorry about that, Windish."
This was the straw that broke the camel's back. For years, Windish had put up with is colleagues blunders and slips. He had watched invention after invention crumble at the hands of Maxwell Smart. He couldn't take it anymore! "SMART!" He screamed, his face turning a nasty shade of purple. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT LASER COST?"
"A lot?" Max offered meekly.
"IT COST $698,000.54! AND YOU HAD BETTER BE ABLE TO PAY FOR IT! Do you know why?" At his last sentence, his voice had gone dangerously quiet. Max found the courage to shake his head. He had never seen anyone get so angry! "BECAUSE!" Windish continued. "IF YOU DON'T, THE GOVERNMENT WILL THROW YOU IN JAIL FOR UP TO 60 YEARS! And we'll all be glad, Smart. We'll all be glad to have you out of our hair."
"Even 99?" Max asked, fearing the worst.
"ESPECIALLY 99, YOU DOLT! Do you think it's any fun for her to be paired up with a thickheaded imbecile like you? To have to cover up your messes, day after day? If there's anyone that'll be glad to see you go, it'll be Agent 99!"
Max felt as if his insides had been torn out, and put back in upside down. Could it be true? No one appreciated him? No one even liked him? Not even 99? Windish knew a lot of things, and nearly everything he said was accurate. 86 knew he was clumsy, but he didn't think he was hated for it. He turned slowly away from the fuming Windish and picked up his coat. "Merry Christmas." He said softly, and with his head hanging low, he made his way out the door. * * * Max trudged down the hall of CONTROL headquarters, his spirit broken and his happiness dashed.
"Hey, 86!" He turned to see Agent 13 standing behind him and holding a pile of paperwork. "Have you got a pen?"
"Huh? Oh, sure, 13. Here you go." He reached into the pocket of his overcoat and produced a ballpoint pen.
"Do you have a vacation coming up, 86?"
"Yeah. Two weeks." 13 noticed the depressed tone in his co-workers voice and tried to make a little friendly conversation.
"I just have one more stake out, and then I'm free! I've got to sit in a trashcan for two hours. But nothing could get me down today!"
"Well, whoop-di-doo! Congratulations!" The agent spat out, sarcastically. He turned and stamped the rest of the way down the hall.
"Well, Merry Christmas to you, too." A flustered 13 grumbled at Max's angry back.
Just as 86 was about to reach the telephone booth that would lead him to the outside of headquarters, he felt a hand lightly touch his shoulder. He spun around, and saw Agent 99, with a soft smile on her face. "Merry Christmas, Max!" She cried.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." The spy grumbled.
"Max, what's wrong?" She knew Max loved Christmas, and it wasn't like him to talk to her like that. "What do you care? I'm just a thickheaded imbecile, remember?" He shook her hand off of his arm and left, leaving his hurt and bewildered partner behind. * * * Elmer was astounded. "But, Joseph, 99 doesn't hate him! Neither does 13, or anyone."
"You know that, and I know that, but Mr. Smart doesn't know that, and it's up to you to help him figure it out. Right about now, he has a .22 caliber gun to his head. If you don't get down there, he'll pull the trigger in exactly forty-five seconds. Good luck, Elmer." He gave his inferior a shove, and little Elmer plummeted thousands of feet down to Washington D.C. and landed right on top of Maxwell Smart.
Both men gave a yell as the gun clattered to the ice-covered pavement. Max got up, cursing under his breath, he turned on the mysterious man that had foiled his suicidal plan. "What on Earth were you thinking?" He shouted. "Are you crazy? Where did you come from anyway? You interrupted something very important, you know! I was about to.to."
"To kill yourself." Elmer finished. "I'm sorry I knocked you down, I guess I nearly did the job for you. Look. Your hand's bleeding. You must have scraped it." 86 glanced down at his right hand and wiped away the blood that was trickling from a small cut.
"Who are you?" He asked cautiously, groping for his gun. He found it and pointed it at the strange little man that stood before him. During his years as a CONTROL agent, he had learned to have all suspicious characters covered at gunpoint at all times, and there was definitely something suspicious about this fellow.
"Now, now, Mr. Smart. There's no need for weapons! I'm your friend. I want to help you. My name is Elmer."
"How.how did you know my name?" Stammered Max. "Are you a KAOS defector?"
Elmer laughed, "Hardly. I'm an angel, sent from heaven."
Max fell back a step. This guy was definitely a nutcase. "Sure you are, Pal. How about you come along with me. I know a real nice.uh.church, I can take you to."
"You don't believe me, do you, Mr. Smart?" the angel observed.
"Well, how is it possible? Angels are supposed to have wings and harps.and whoever heard of an angel named Elmer?"
"Well, first of all, I haven't earned my wings, halo, or harp yet. And as for my name.well, I can't help what my name is!" Max smiled.
"Of course you can't! Now, about that church."
"Mr. Smart! I didn't come all the way down here for you to put me in an asylum! I came down to stop you from making a terrible mistake! How could you even think of taking away God's most precious gift."
"Listen here, buddy! God sure didn't give me many gifts! I'm clumsy and stupid! For awhile, I thought I had friends, but then I find out they were just trying to be polite to me! They all hate my guts. Even 99. Even if I was some good to somebody, I'm on my way to jail."
"Aw, Mr. Smart, you aren't stupid, believe me, I know. I know what it's like to feel stupid. Besides, even if you are in danger of going to prison, isn't it better to live in cramped quarters, than to take the coward's way out? You just don't want to live without your friends. The Chief, Agent 13, 44, Windish, Fang, Hymie, but especially Agent 99. None of them hate you, Mr. Smart. You'd break so many hearts if you took away your own life. The good Lord has blessed you in many ways."
"What do you know about it?" Max snapped. "Everyone's better off without me. I wish I'd never been born."
"All right." Elmer said. "Your wish has been granted. You were never born."
"You're crazy!" Max cried, pointing his gun at the man's chest. "Just come with me, and we'll get you a nice padded room, and."
"Look at your hand, Mr. Smart." Interrupted the grinning angel, coolly. "The cut's healed."
"Well, that is strange." 86 murmured, examining his formerly injured hand. "But it's just a coincidence!"
Elmer shook his head. "You are rather skeptical, aren't you? Well, follow me, and maybe I can make you believe." He turned, and hurried out of the ally in which they had been standing with surprising speed for a man with such short legs. Max followed in bewilderment.
Elmer led him into the street and gestured at the surrounding buildings. "Look around, Mr. Smart." Max took a quick glance at the nearest store sign and did a double take. In huge red letters, the black sign read, "KAOS DRUG STORE, for all your poisoning needs." He gasped and turned to Elmer.
"What's that doing out here in the open? You'd think KAOS would want to be a little more discreet, what with CONTROL agents right and left. I'd better take care of this." He reached for his ID.
"CONTROL doesn't exist anymore, and that ID is no good to you because you don't exist either. You are no longer Maxwell Smart, Agent: 86. You were never born." Elmer explained, throwing an arm out to keep Max from storming into the drugstore. "Look at the rest of the signs."
Max read sign after sign of, "KAOS this," and, "KAOS that." But the worst, by far, was a giant billboard that said, "Siegfried says, 'A clean veapon is an effective veapon!'" A giant photograph of 86's arch nemesis was pasted next to the horrible words. He turned to Elmer.
"I swear, I'll shoot you if you don't tell me what's going on!"
"I told you, Mr. Smart, YOU WERE NEVER BORN! Without CONTROL's top agent to foil their evil plots, KAOS rules supreme."
"KAOS.ruling the world?" Max could barely speak, "But.but what about the Chief and 99?"
"They gave it their best shot, but without you, it was just too much for them."
"But I'm just one man! I couldn't possibly make that much difference!"
"A single grain of rice can tip the scale." Elmer replied. "One man, can mean the difference between victory and defeat."
"Oh, you sound like Harry Hoo!" Max complained.
"Who?"
"Never mind. I'm going to headquarters to look for some answers."
"Mr. Smart, I can assure you, that is definitely not a good idea."
"I couldn't care less what you think, you psycho! I'm going to get to the bottom of this." He took off running, with Elmer struggling to keep up. * * *
After jogging for about five blocks, Max and his angelic escort arrived at CONTROL HQ. Ignoring Elmer's sputtering protests, the bewildered spy took the steps two at a time toward the doors of his place of work. Once he got inside, Max came face to face with a couple of surly-looking KAOS security guards. Max recognized one of them as Carlson, one of the CONTROL scientists He ignored them and tried to pass, only to be stopped by the his ex-comrade.
"Lets see some ID, Pal." Came his husky voice.
"Look, I don't know what kind of sick jokes you guys are playing, Carlson, but it's really not funny. Let me by, I want to see the Chief." The scientist didn't relent.
"ID." He insisted.
"Fine, Carlson. If you want to be a jerk on Christmas Eve, I really don't care. Here's my dumb ID!" He slapped the laminated card into Carlson's outstretched hand. After examining it for about 45 seconds, he eyed 86 coldly.
"You are one stupid little man."
"Yeah, yeah." Max grumbled. "So I've been told."
"CONTROL has been out of business for the past five years. This is just a cheap imitation. I don't know what pawn shop you bought it from, Bub, but whoever it was, they sure pulled a fast one on you. Do you realize you could get the death penalty for this?"
"What? That's my real ID! And since when can you get the death penalty for impersonating a spy?"
"I don't know what kooky, behind the times country you're spying for, but I used to work for CONTROL, and I can tell you, we went out of business five years ago!"
"Carlson, I just saw you this afternoon!" 86 argued. "For goodness' sake! This isn't funny! Let me through!"
"You're crazy!" The baffled former scientist cried.
"All right, Carlson, I didn't want to have to do this, but you just don't want to give in." He pulled his gun from his holster. "Let me by."
Without a word, the second guard reached out and hit the pressure point on the back of Max's neck. 86 dropped his gun and slipped into unconsciousness.
When Max finally came to, he was in a stone cell on a stiff, narrow cot. He'd been in rooms like this before. It was a KAOS prison cell.
He sat up quickly and glanced around the room. Careful not to make much noise, Max forced himself out of the cot and walked about the confining chamber. It looked like a standard KAOS jail cell, but there was something not quite right about it. What could it be? Max wondered. Then, a slight glimmer from one of the walls caught his eye. It looked like gold. 86 did a double take. Since when did KAOS prison cells have gold walls? Since when could KAOS afford gold walls? And since when did Carlson turn into a double agent? Max's eyes narrowed into angry slits at the thought.
He flopped back onto his cot dejectedly. The room had no windows or doors, there was no way in the world he could escape! Since when had KAOS been able to afford quality cells like this? Could it be true that the funny little man that had been following him around all night was telling the truth. No! That was preposterous. That crackpot was out of his head! But still. Max shook himself mentally.
This is a dream! He told himself. Wake up, Smart! When you wake up, it'll be Christmas Day, you'll have never broken that stupid watch, and everyone will like you again! It's a dream! Just wake up. When at last, Max had managed to convince himself that this whole ordeal was the result of too much eggnog, he rolled onto his side.and off the cot. His head hit the solid gold floor. It hurt. No! His frustrated brain cried out. It's not a dream! It's not! What am I going to do?
After lying there for quite a while, Max felt the floor start to vibrate. He slowly lifted himself from the extravagant ground, just in time to see a large glass cylinder rise from a hole that he hadn't noticed before in the corner of the room. Max stared. Inside the tube was a gray-haired man with a closely clipped mustache shouting in German at a younger, taller man. Siegfried and Starker.
86 had never been so glad to see his long-time foes in all of his life. Surely, they would recognize him! Even though Max knew he was in grave danger, a gigantic wave of relief swept over him. Siegfried reached for a button on the side of the glass tube. Nothing happened.
"SCHTARKER! I zot I told you to buy ze deluxe version of zis stupid zing! Ve can afford it! Can't you do anyzing right? Vot a nincompoop!"
"I am sorry, Herr Siegfried. I vill fix it for you." The simpleminded minion aimed a powerful kick at the door. Max braced himself for the sound of glass shattering, but it never came. The door of the cylinder just swung open, and the two KAOS agents walked out.
"At least you had sense enough to get ze indestructible glass." Siegfried grumbled. "So!" He shouted, turning his attention toward Max. "You tried to infiltrate KAOS headquarters with a phony CONTROL ID. You are indeed a foolish man. Tell me, vot is your name?"
Max's heart stopped. He didn't know him. Siegfried didn't know him. Something funny was definitely going on. "Siegfried," He stammered. "It's me. Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 of CONTROL. Your old arch enemy. You remember me, don't you, Siggy? How about you, Starker? You couldn't forget Maxwell Smart, could you? That's my real ID! You guys have to know me! You and I just stopped a crazy little man who was afraid of loud noises from destroying the world. That was the only time we worked together. But then, you turned on me and tried to blow up the Pentagon with an evil homing pigeon. The joke was on you, though, right, Siggy? You accidentally sent the bird to KAOS headquarters. You remember that, don't you?" Siegfried felt the closest emotion to pity he had ever experienced as he listened to the confused ramblings of this strange little man. He had such pleading eyes. He looked so frustrated, confused, almost afraid. He nearly felt sorry for the guy.but then it passed. (Come on. He's Siegfried!)
"I have no idea vot you are talking about!" Siegfried spat, malevolently. "KAOS took over ze Pentagon, ze Vite House, CONTROL headquarters, and everytzing else five years ago. CONTROL doesn't exist! Ve rule ze vorld now. Everyone knows zat! As far as I'm concerned, Schmart, if zat is your real name, you are either a highly misinformed foreign spy or a madman. KAOS does not tolerate eizer! Shtarker! Eliminate him!"
"But, Siegfried," Starker whispered into his superior's ear, "Look at him. He is obviously very confused. Maybe ve could give him a few moments to calm down before we shoot him. Ve could pretend zat ve believe him. You know, humor him in his the last few minutes of his life." Siegfried glared coldly at the tall simpleton in front of him.
"Schtarker!" He screamed. "Zis is KAOS! Ve don't humor here! Now, do vot you are told." They both turned around, only to find that their prisoner was nowhere to be found.and neither was the glass tube. While the two agents had been debating on whether or not Max deserved some pity, he had sneaked into the cylinder, and slipped quietly out of the cell, and out of CONTROL (or KAOS, depending on whose point of view you look at it from) headquarters, leaving his enemies behind him. * * * "What's going on?" Max demanded as soon as he had gotten outside of the building that had once been a symbol of hope to him. He found Elmer standing in the same place he had been left, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Oh, there you are, Mr. Smart. My, with your record, I thought you would have escaped sooner than this. Ah, well."
"Excuse me," Max growled, grabbing Elmer by the shoulders, "But maybe you didn't hear me. I asked you what's going on, and by golly, you had better tell me."
"Mr. Smart, as I've told you numerous times this evening, YOU DO NOT EXIST! Accept it. Move on." The angel sounded quite agitated.
"No." 86 shook his head. "No, I don't believe it. KAOS can't rule the world. Not while the Chief's still around." Elmer looked at his feet. "Elmer." Max said. "Elmer, I want to see the Chief. Take me to see him. Now!"
"Mr. Smart."
"Take me or I'll kill you! I mean it! I've killed before. I can do it again!"
"All right. But don't say I didn't warn you." * * *
Max didn't understand. He had told this Elmer guy to take him to the Chief, but now he stood in the middle of a dreary cemetery. He didn't remember it being here before.
"Elmer, what are we doing here? I said I wanted to see the Chief, not a bunch of cracked headstones!" He cried.
"I know, Mr. Smart, but this is the best I can do. Take a look at that headstone over there."
Max's stomach dropped down to his feet and his mouth went dry. He knew what was coming. Hoping it was all some horrible nightmare, he knelt down in front of the cracked marble tombstone and brushed away the snow. There it was. The Chief's name engraved into cold stone. There were no fancy patterns or designs on the marker. Just the a name and two dates. Max frantically wiped snow off of all the surrounding stones. He saw the names of so many of his friends: Agents 13 and 44, Larrabee, Windish, and at least twenty other CONTROL agents that he had seen earlier that day.
He knelt in the wet snow, staring at the Chief's grave. Elmer approached him slowly and lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. "They all fought very bravely to stop KAOS, but it just wasn't enough. I'm sorry." Max slapped the hand off his shoulder, stood up, and spun around. He grabbed the spirit by the collar.
"Where's 99?" He demanded.
"There's no need to get upset! She's not dead!"
"Then where is she?!"
"She's on her way to work."
"What?"
"Without someone like you to help her along, and keep her going, she had no reason to keep fighting. She works at the library."
"What?!" Max roared. "99's a secret agent, not a librarian!"
"Not since your wish. Look. There she goes. She always passes the cemetery on her way to work." Max looked up to see, his partner, his 99, walk by, clutching a few books to her chest. She wore a dull brown skirt suit, square framed glasses, and an out of style hat, with a single pink flower, the only thing colorful about her attire, protruding from it.
This was not 99. She walked like 99 did, and had the same face, but to Max, she was not 99. He ran to her, yelling, "99! It's me! I'm back! I'm here!"
She turned at the sound of her old agent number, and saw a strange, dark haired man with beady eyes coming toward her. She gasped and started walking faster.
"99! Wait, it's me. It's Max!" He caught up with her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Don't you remember me?"
"Get away from me!" She shrieked. "Help! Help!"
"99." He was cut off when a fist that seemed like iron gripped his arm and turned him around. He looked up into the hard, expressionless face, and felt relief wash over him.
"Hymie! Am I glad to see you! You remember me, don't you?" "I have never seen you before in my life. But it is my job to make sure that employees of KAOS are protected. And this young lady is in charge of the KAOS library." Came the monotone voice of the (ex) CONTROL cybernot.
"What? Hymie, it's me! Max!"
"I do not know anyone named Max. Come with me." He started to drag Max to what was probably a KAOS version of a police station, but Elmer snuck up behind him and pulled his plug.
"Run, Mr. Smart, run!" The short little guy cried. And run he did. He high-tailed it all the way back to the alley where this awful nightmare had begun.
"I'm sorry, Elmer!" He shouted, sitting on an overturned trashcan. "I wish I'd been born! I wish I'd been born!" But Elmer was nowhere to be seen. Max buried his face in his hands muttering, "I wish I'd been born. I wanna be Maxwell Smart again!"
He was aroused from his trance by the sound of heavy footsteps. Here comes Hymie, he thought. My own best friend is turning me in to KAOS.
"Max? What are you doing here. Everyone has been looking for you. We've all been worried sick."
"What?" Max lifted his head. "Hymie, you know me?"
"Of course I know you, Max. I have known you for two years. Are you all right, Max? Your hand has blood on it." 86 looked down at his hand and saw the scrape from his earlier collision with Elmer."
"Hymie!" He gasped. "Hymie, my hand's bleeding! My hand's bleeding! I exist again!" He rushed to his robotic friend and gave him a tight hug. "Merry Christmas, Hymie!"
He rushed into the street and started to run toward his apartment, reveling in the KAOS free signs. "Merry Christmas, CONTROL HQ! Merry Christmas, White House!" He cried. "Merry Christmas, Washington!"
After saying, "Merry Christmas!" to everything in sight, Max finally arrived at his apartment. He opened the door, and was nearly knocked over by the crowd of CONTROL agents that seized him by the arms and dragged him in. The room was filled with cries of, "He's back, Chief! He's all right! Max, where have you been?"
The Chief came toward him with a smile on his face that was filled with relief and anger and worry and exasperation all at once. "Max!" He cried. "What are you trying to do to me? I already have an ulcer, and I don't need you running off and making it worse!"
"W.what?" Max stammered, still recovering from the nasty shock his colleagues had given him. "What are you all doing here?"
"Windish told us what he said to you, and all about the pocket watch laser. When 13 and 99 told us how you had snapped, I got worried. 99 and I came over to make sure you were alright. Max where were you? Everyone's been looking for you!"
"Where's 99?"
"She's still looking for you. She and Hymie refused to take a hot coffee break." The irritated man explained. "Max, she's been so upset, crying all night. Where were you?"
"I was.thinking things through. I'm sorry I caused you all so much trouble, but right now, I have to go find 99." He made his way through the jumble of fellow agents, but before he could reach the door, it swung open, and the lovely Agent 99 came in with her head down.
"I couldn't find him, Chief. I just know something terrible has happened!" She said softly.
"99?" She snapped her head up at the sound of her missing partner's voice.
"Max!" She cried, and he nearly lost his balance as she threw her arms around his neck in a chocker hug. "I've been so worried! I thought you had gotten hurt! I." She trailed off and pushed him away. "Don't you ever do that to me again! I nearly had a heart attack, and I'm half frozen and.and.oh, never mind. You're safe now, and that's all that matters." 99 gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
The only thing that went through Max's mind was, "She doesn't hate me! She was worried about me! She doesn't hate me!" It was the happiest moment of his life, knowing that his friends loved him, and the world needed him. But a wet blanket was still thrown over the small flame of relief that had begun to grow inside of him. He still owed the money! He was on his way to jail, and there was nothing he could do about it. 99 noticed his sudden distress.
"Max, what's wrong?" She asked with concern.
"I'm sorry I caused you all so much trouble. I didn't think anyone would care if I disappeared."
"Well, 86, of course we'd care!" 13 said, slapping him on the back. "What do you think we'd do without Maxwell Smart?"
"This whole town would go to seed." Max answered. Everyone laughed, but he hadn't meant it as a joke. "But that's not the problem. I owe $698,000.54 to the government. If I don't pay up, I'm going to prison."
"Oh, Max!" 99 gasped. "Here, it's not enough, but it'll help." She reached into her purse and pulled out a wad of paper bills.
"99, that's very sweet of you, but I can't take your money. It's my fault and I'm going to pay for it."
"Don't be noble, Smart! Take the money! Here, I'll help you out, too." Agent 44 tossed some money onto the coffee table. His contribution was soon joined by that of the Chief and Agent 13. Before long, everyone in the room had donated something, even Windish was over-powered by the holiday spirit, and pitched in a hundred dollar bill.
"But.but.I."
Max's protests were cut short when the Chief proclaimed, "If you don't take this money, 86, you're fired! Nearly everyone in this room has had their life saved by you at one time or another! Now we're even."
In no time at all, Max had more than enough to pay for his damages. Dr. Steele sat down at the piano and started to play, "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing." Someone brushed the tiny Christmas tree on Max's desk, and a bell ornament jingled.
"Max? I once heard that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. Do you suppose that's true?" Asked 99.
"Yes. 99." A euphoric 86 answered. "I do."
Notes
1) Hi everybody! I hope you liked the story. I just want to point out a couple of things. The first thing is, the idea for a notes section came from Lisa's Unofficial Get Smart Site. It's awesome, and it has lots of great fan fiction. I HIGHLY recommend it!
2) This is obviously a knock-off of, "It's a Wonderful Life." I'd seen it done on so many TV shows, that I just had to write a cheesy parody.
3) Elmer's line, "Youth is wasted on the wrong people!" is from, "It's a wonderful live,"! *gasp* Big surprise!
4) The part in the story where Elmer says, "A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man can be the difference between victory and defeat," is from Disney's, "Mulan." It's not mine.
5) I would really, really, really appreciate reviews. I want to become a better writer, so helpful and constructive criticism is always welcome, but if you want to flame me because you don't like parodies, don't even bother sending a review. It will be completely ignored. Therefore, it's just a waste of your time. Anyway, thank you all SO much for taking the time to read my fic. I will be eternally grateful. If I get enough good reviews, this won't be my last story. Thanks again!
Disclaimer: I don't own, "Get Smart," OR, "It's a Wonderful Life." If I did, I wouldn't be sitting at home writing a fiction about it. Dur!
A/N: I know that this isn't the most original idea, but it hasn't been done with GS before. * * * Christmas Eve in Washington D.C. wasn't as busy and bustling as you would expect it to be. It was no Bethlehem, but there was a certain peacefulness in the snow that drifted slowly down to the frosty ground. The streets were almost empty, except for a few lone shoppers, but for the most part, everyone was at home for the night, and all was silent. The only noises were children chattering excitedly to one another, and a few whispered prayers that ascended to heaven, as softly as the white snow fell.
"Please, God." Came a man's voice, from inside an oversized trashcan. "Help my friend, Maxwell Smart. He's a good man, even if he is clumsy. Watch over him."
Another, deeper voice sounded from a large apartment next to the White House. "God, I know he gives me migraines, and I yell at him an awful lot, but if you could please watch out for Max..Something's wrong with him. Please, God. He's like a son to me."
A third, more tearful woman's voice arose from a tiny church on the outskirts of town. "Oh, please God, please take care of Max. I love him, Lord. Even if he doesn't love me, please watch over him."
All over the city, murmurs of, "Help Max, God." And "Lord, watch over 86," floated from houses, apartments, churches, and even office buildings, and the prayers did not fall on deaf ears.
High above where birds and airplanes fly, an angel cloaked in white gazed down on the shimmering town. A second, taller one came to his side. "What's going on, Joseph?" Questioned the second angel.
"We seem to be getting a great deal of prayers for a certain Maxwell Smart."
"Hmm. Last year it was that George Bailey character, and now this. We get a new one every year!"
"I know, and we have to help them all. Whose turn is it this time?"
" Oh, it's the little brother of that Clarence, what's his name? Oh, yes, Elmer!"
"Ugh!" Cried Joseph. "He's even more simple minded than his brother!"
"Yes, and that just makes him all the more kind hearted and faithful." The second angel replied.
"I'll call him now. Elmer!" A short wingless angel appeared beside the first two.
"You called?"
"Yes, Elmer." Said the second spirit. "We have an assignment for you. Now, this one is very important, and if you complete it, just like your brother, you'll receive your wings."
"Oh! I'll give it my best shot. What's the job?" Elmer was jumping up and down with excitement.
"Well," Joseph explained. "There's a man down there by the name of Maxwell Smart: Agent 86 of CONTROL, loved by a lot of folks. He's seriously considering of doing exactly what your brother stopped George Bailey from doing."
Elmer gasped. "He's going to commit suicide?!"
"He is unless you convince him not to! Now, pay attention! I want you to learn a thing or two about the man you're going to save. We don't have time to go through his whole life, we'll just start at the beginning of his spying career."
"Oh! He's a secret agent? I read a book about that, and it strikes me as a very interesting profession. I think-"
"Never mind!" cried Joseph, pinching the bridge of his nose, "We don't have time for this! Just sit still and look straight into those stars. Focus, or you won't be able to see a thing." So, little Elmer focused with all his might, and slowly but surely, a hazy picture began to appear.
The rookie angel watched the first part of the, "film," in silence, but spoke up when the CONTROL agent rendezvoused with a lovely young lady in a chauffer outfit.
"She's beautiful!" cried Elmer, "Who is she?"
"That's Agent 99, your guy's future partner. Maxwell Smart fell in love the day he met her."
"Really? That's nice. With who?" Elmer asked stupidly.
Joseph smacked his forehead with his hand. "With 99, Elmer." He answered as though it pained him to do so.
"Oh! Did they ever get married?"
"They haven't yet. Imagine! They've been in love with each other for three years, and neither one of them has ever spoken up."
"Humph!" Clarence grumbled. "Youth is wasted on the wrong people!" The rest of the film went by without any interruption from Elmer, but when they got to the most important part, Joseph froze the picture.
"This, Elmer, is why Mr. Smart is planning shooting a bullet through his head. This is your mission.." * * *
Maxwell Smart strolled into the CONTROL lab, whistling, "Jingle Bells." It was his favorite time of year and tomorrow would be his favorite day. Christmas! Everything was going splendidly. He had just opened his Christmas bonus to find a little more money than he'd expected, he had only tripped twice and run into one wall since he had come to work, his partner (and secret love) and he had just been, "forced," to share a quick kiss under the mistletoe, and now he was on his way home for a two week vacation! What could be better? He just wanted to wish a Merry Christmas to his buddies in the lab.
86 approached the CONTROL scientist, Windish, who was deeply engrossed in perfecting one of his latest inventions. It appeared to be a pocket watch, but with Windish's contraptions, you just never knew.
"What've you got there, Windish?" Max asked curiously. "A telephone or a pocket pistol?"
Windish gave a grimace that Max mistook for a smile. The poor scientist's work always seemed to end up in a million pieces whenever Maxwell Smart was around. "This is a disguised laser. You push this knob, and whatever you're pointing it at vanishes." He demonstrated on a test dummy on the other side of the room.
"That's amazing!" Max cried in awe. "Do you mind if I take a closer look?" Without waiting for an answer, Max snatched up the watch and, despite Windish's sputtering protests, held it up to the light. It slipped out of his hand. Windish watched in horror as his wonderful creation dropped to the linoleum floor and crashed into oblivion. Max looked down at the mutilated laser, then up at its creator. "Er. Sorry about that, Windish."
This was the straw that broke the camel's back. For years, Windish had put up with is colleagues blunders and slips. He had watched invention after invention crumble at the hands of Maxwell Smart. He couldn't take it anymore! "SMART!" He screamed, his face turning a nasty shade of purple. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT LASER COST?"
"A lot?" Max offered meekly.
"IT COST $698,000.54! AND YOU HAD BETTER BE ABLE TO PAY FOR IT! Do you know why?" At his last sentence, his voice had gone dangerously quiet. Max found the courage to shake his head. He had never seen anyone get so angry! "BECAUSE!" Windish continued. "IF YOU DON'T, THE GOVERNMENT WILL THROW YOU IN JAIL FOR UP TO 60 YEARS! And we'll all be glad, Smart. We'll all be glad to have you out of our hair."
"Even 99?" Max asked, fearing the worst.
"ESPECIALLY 99, YOU DOLT! Do you think it's any fun for her to be paired up with a thickheaded imbecile like you? To have to cover up your messes, day after day? If there's anyone that'll be glad to see you go, it'll be Agent 99!"
Max felt as if his insides had been torn out, and put back in upside down. Could it be true? No one appreciated him? No one even liked him? Not even 99? Windish knew a lot of things, and nearly everything he said was accurate. 86 knew he was clumsy, but he didn't think he was hated for it. He turned slowly away from the fuming Windish and picked up his coat. "Merry Christmas." He said softly, and with his head hanging low, he made his way out the door. * * * Max trudged down the hall of CONTROL headquarters, his spirit broken and his happiness dashed.
"Hey, 86!" He turned to see Agent 13 standing behind him and holding a pile of paperwork. "Have you got a pen?"
"Huh? Oh, sure, 13. Here you go." He reached into the pocket of his overcoat and produced a ballpoint pen.
"Do you have a vacation coming up, 86?"
"Yeah. Two weeks." 13 noticed the depressed tone in his co-workers voice and tried to make a little friendly conversation.
"I just have one more stake out, and then I'm free! I've got to sit in a trashcan for two hours. But nothing could get me down today!"
"Well, whoop-di-doo! Congratulations!" The agent spat out, sarcastically. He turned and stamped the rest of the way down the hall.
"Well, Merry Christmas to you, too." A flustered 13 grumbled at Max's angry back.
Just as 86 was about to reach the telephone booth that would lead him to the outside of headquarters, he felt a hand lightly touch his shoulder. He spun around, and saw Agent 99, with a soft smile on her face. "Merry Christmas, Max!" She cried.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." The spy grumbled.
"Max, what's wrong?" She knew Max loved Christmas, and it wasn't like him to talk to her like that. "What do you care? I'm just a thickheaded imbecile, remember?" He shook her hand off of his arm and left, leaving his hurt and bewildered partner behind. * * * Elmer was astounded. "But, Joseph, 99 doesn't hate him! Neither does 13, or anyone."
"You know that, and I know that, but Mr. Smart doesn't know that, and it's up to you to help him figure it out. Right about now, he has a .22 caliber gun to his head. If you don't get down there, he'll pull the trigger in exactly forty-five seconds. Good luck, Elmer." He gave his inferior a shove, and little Elmer plummeted thousands of feet down to Washington D.C. and landed right on top of Maxwell Smart.
Both men gave a yell as the gun clattered to the ice-covered pavement. Max got up, cursing under his breath, he turned on the mysterious man that had foiled his suicidal plan. "What on Earth were you thinking?" He shouted. "Are you crazy? Where did you come from anyway? You interrupted something very important, you know! I was about to.to."
"To kill yourself." Elmer finished. "I'm sorry I knocked you down, I guess I nearly did the job for you. Look. Your hand's bleeding. You must have scraped it." 86 glanced down at his right hand and wiped away the blood that was trickling from a small cut.
"Who are you?" He asked cautiously, groping for his gun. He found it and pointed it at the strange little man that stood before him. During his years as a CONTROL agent, he had learned to have all suspicious characters covered at gunpoint at all times, and there was definitely something suspicious about this fellow.
"Now, now, Mr. Smart. There's no need for weapons! I'm your friend. I want to help you. My name is Elmer."
"How.how did you know my name?" Stammered Max. "Are you a KAOS defector?"
Elmer laughed, "Hardly. I'm an angel, sent from heaven."
Max fell back a step. This guy was definitely a nutcase. "Sure you are, Pal. How about you come along with me. I know a real nice.uh.church, I can take you to."
"You don't believe me, do you, Mr. Smart?" the angel observed.
"Well, how is it possible? Angels are supposed to have wings and harps.and whoever heard of an angel named Elmer?"
"Well, first of all, I haven't earned my wings, halo, or harp yet. And as for my name.well, I can't help what my name is!" Max smiled.
"Of course you can't! Now, about that church."
"Mr. Smart! I didn't come all the way down here for you to put me in an asylum! I came down to stop you from making a terrible mistake! How could you even think of taking away God's most precious gift."
"Listen here, buddy! God sure didn't give me many gifts! I'm clumsy and stupid! For awhile, I thought I had friends, but then I find out they were just trying to be polite to me! They all hate my guts. Even 99. Even if I was some good to somebody, I'm on my way to jail."
"Aw, Mr. Smart, you aren't stupid, believe me, I know. I know what it's like to feel stupid. Besides, even if you are in danger of going to prison, isn't it better to live in cramped quarters, than to take the coward's way out? You just don't want to live without your friends. The Chief, Agent 13, 44, Windish, Fang, Hymie, but especially Agent 99. None of them hate you, Mr. Smart. You'd break so many hearts if you took away your own life. The good Lord has blessed you in many ways."
"What do you know about it?" Max snapped. "Everyone's better off without me. I wish I'd never been born."
"All right." Elmer said. "Your wish has been granted. You were never born."
"You're crazy!" Max cried, pointing his gun at the man's chest. "Just come with me, and we'll get you a nice padded room, and."
"Look at your hand, Mr. Smart." Interrupted the grinning angel, coolly. "The cut's healed."
"Well, that is strange." 86 murmured, examining his formerly injured hand. "But it's just a coincidence!"
Elmer shook his head. "You are rather skeptical, aren't you? Well, follow me, and maybe I can make you believe." He turned, and hurried out of the ally in which they had been standing with surprising speed for a man with such short legs. Max followed in bewilderment.
Elmer led him into the street and gestured at the surrounding buildings. "Look around, Mr. Smart." Max took a quick glance at the nearest store sign and did a double take. In huge red letters, the black sign read, "KAOS DRUG STORE, for all your poisoning needs." He gasped and turned to Elmer.
"What's that doing out here in the open? You'd think KAOS would want to be a little more discreet, what with CONTROL agents right and left. I'd better take care of this." He reached for his ID.
"CONTROL doesn't exist anymore, and that ID is no good to you because you don't exist either. You are no longer Maxwell Smart, Agent: 86. You were never born." Elmer explained, throwing an arm out to keep Max from storming into the drugstore. "Look at the rest of the signs."
Max read sign after sign of, "KAOS this," and, "KAOS that." But the worst, by far, was a giant billboard that said, "Siegfried says, 'A clean veapon is an effective veapon!'" A giant photograph of 86's arch nemesis was pasted next to the horrible words. He turned to Elmer.
"I swear, I'll shoot you if you don't tell me what's going on!"
"I told you, Mr. Smart, YOU WERE NEVER BORN! Without CONTROL's top agent to foil their evil plots, KAOS rules supreme."
"KAOS.ruling the world?" Max could barely speak, "But.but what about the Chief and 99?"
"They gave it their best shot, but without you, it was just too much for them."
"But I'm just one man! I couldn't possibly make that much difference!"
"A single grain of rice can tip the scale." Elmer replied. "One man, can mean the difference between victory and defeat."
"Oh, you sound like Harry Hoo!" Max complained.
"Who?"
"Never mind. I'm going to headquarters to look for some answers."
"Mr. Smart, I can assure you, that is definitely not a good idea."
"I couldn't care less what you think, you psycho! I'm going to get to the bottom of this." He took off running, with Elmer struggling to keep up. * * *
After jogging for about five blocks, Max and his angelic escort arrived at CONTROL HQ. Ignoring Elmer's sputtering protests, the bewildered spy took the steps two at a time toward the doors of his place of work. Once he got inside, Max came face to face with a couple of surly-looking KAOS security guards. Max recognized one of them as Carlson, one of the CONTROL scientists He ignored them and tried to pass, only to be stopped by the his ex-comrade.
"Lets see some ID, Pal." Came his husky voice.
"Look, I don't know what kind of sick jokes you guys are playing, Carlson, but it's really not funny. Let me by, I want to see the Chief." The scientist didn't relent.
"ID." He insisted.
"Fine, Carlson. If you want to be a jerk on Christmas Eve, I really don't care. Here's my dumb ID!" He slapped the laminated card into Carlson's outstretched hand. After examining it for about 45 seconds, he eyed 86 coldly.
"You are one stupid little man."
"Yeah, yeah." Max grumbled. "So I've been told."
"CONTROL has been out of business for the past five years. This is just a cheap imitation. I don't know what pawn shop you bought it from, Bub, but whoever it was, they sure pulled a fast one on you. Do you realize you could get the death penalty for this?"
"What? That's my real ID! And since when can you get the death penalty for impersonating a spy?"
"I don't know what kooky, behind the times country you're spying for, but I used to work for CONTROL, and I can tell you, we went out of business five years ago!"
"Carlson, I just saw you this afternoon!" 86 argued. "For goodness' sake! This isn't funny! Let me through!"
"You're crazy!" The baffled former scientist cried.
"All right, Carlson, I didn't want to have to do this, but you just don't want to give in." He pulled his gun from his holster. "Let me by."
Without a word, the second guard reached out and hit the pressure point on the back of Max's neck. 86 dropped his gun and slipped into unconsciousness.
When Max finally came to, he was in a stone cell on a stiff, narrow cot. He'd been in rooms like this before. It was a KAOS prison cell.
He sat up quickly and glanced around the room. Careful not to make much noise, Max forced himself out of the cot and walked about the confining chamber. It looked like a standard KAOS jail cell, but there was something not quite right about it. What could it be? Max wondered. Then, a slight glimmer from one of the walls caught his eye. It looked like gold. 86 did a double take. Since when did KAOS prison cells have gold walls? Since when could KAOS afford gold walls? And since when did Carlson turn into a double agent? Max's eyes narrowed into angry slits at the thought.
He flopped back onto his cot dejectedly. The room had no windows or doors, there was no way in the world he could escape! Since when had KAOS been able to afford quality cells like this? Could it be true that the funny little man that had been following him around all night was telling the truth. No! That was preposterous. That crackpot was out of his head! But still. Max shook himself mentally.
This is a dream! He told himself. Wake up, Smart! When you wake up, it'll be Christmas Day, you'll have never broken that stupid watch, and everyone will like you again! It's a dream! Just wake up. When at last, Max had managed to convince himself that this whole ordeal was the result of too much eggnog, he rolled onto his side.and off the cot. His head hit the solid gold floor. It hurt. No! His frustrated brain cried out. It's not a dream! It's not! What am I going to do?
After lying there for quite a while, Max felt the floor start to vibrate. He slowly lifted himself from the extravagant ground, just in time to see a large glass cylinder rise from a hole that he hadn't noticed before in the corner of the room. Max stared. Inside the tube was a gray-haired man with a closely clipped mustache shouting in German at a younger, taller man. Siegfried and Starker.
86 had never been so glad to see his long-time foes in all of his life. Surely, they would recognize him! Even though Max knew he was in grave danger, a gigantic wave of relief swept over him. Siegfried reached for a button on the side of the glass tube. Nothing happened.
"SCHTARKER! I zot I told you to buy ze deluxe version of zis stupid zing! Ve can afford it! Can't you do anyzing right? Vot a nincompoop!"
"I am sorry, Herr Siegfried. I vill fix it for you." The simpleminded minion aimed a powerful kick at the door. Max braced himself for the sound of glass shattering, but it never came. The door of the cylinder just swung open, and the two KAOS agents walked out.
"At least you had sense enough to get ze indestructible glass." Siegfried grumbled. "So!" He shouted, turning his attention toward Max. "You tried to infiltrate KAOS headquarters with a phony CONTROL ID. You are indeed a foolish man. Tell me, vot is your name?"
Max's heart stopped. He didn't know him. Siegfried didn't know him. Something funny was definitely going on. "Siegfried," He stammered. "It's me. Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 of CONTROL. Your old arch enemy. You remember me, don't you, Siggy? How about you, Starker? You couldn't forget Maxwell Smart, could you? That's my real ID! You guys have to know me! You and I just stopped a crazy little man who was afraid of loud noises from destroying the world. That was the only time we worked together. But then, you turned on me and tried to blow up the Pentagon with an evil homing pigeon. The joke was on you, though, right, Siggy? You accidentally sent the bird to KAOS headquarters. You remember that, don't you?" Siegfried felt the closest emotion to pity he had ever experienced as he listened to the confused ramblings of this strange little man. He had such pleading eyes. He looked so frustrated, confused, almost afraid. He nearly felt sorry for the guy.but then it passed. (Come on. He's Siegfried!)
"I have no idea vot you are talking about!" Siegfried spat, malevolently. "KAOS took over ze Pentagon, ze Vite House, CONTROL headquarters, and everytzing else five years ago. CONTROL doesn't exist! Ve rule ze vorld now. Everyone knows zat! As far as I'm concerned, Schmart, if zat is your real name, you are either a highly misinformed foreign spy or a madman. KAOS does not tolerate eizer! Shtarker! Eliminate him!"
"But, Siegfried," Starker whispered into his superior's ear, "Look at him. He is obviously very confused. Maybe ve could give him a few moments to calm down before we shoot him. Ve could pretend zat ve believe him. You know, humor him in his the last few minutes of his life." Siegfried glared coldly at the tall simpleton in front of him.
"Schtarker!" He screamed. "Zis is KAOS! Ve don't humor here! Now, do vot you are told." They both turned around, only to find that their prisoner was nowhere to be found.and neither was the glass tube. While the two agents had been debating on whether or not Max deserved some pity, he had sneaked into the cylinder, and slipped quietly out of the cell, and out of CONTROL (or KAOS, depending on whose point of view you look at it from) headquarters, leaving his enemies behind him. * * * "What's going on?" Max demanded as soon as he had gotten outside of the building that had once been a symbol of hope to him. He found Elmer standing in the same place he had been left, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Oh, there you are, Mr. Smart. My, with your record, I thought you would have escaped sooner than this. Ah, well."
"Excuse me," Max growled, grabbing Elmer by the shoulders, "But maybe you didn't hear me. I asked you what's going on, and by golly, you had better tell me."
"Mr. Smart, as I've told you numerous times this evening, YOU DO NOT EXIST! Accept it. Move on." The angel sounded quite agitated.
"No." 86 shook his head. "No, I don't believe it. KAOS can't rule the world. Not while the Chief's still around." Elmer looked at his feet. "Elmer." Max said. "Elmer, I want to see the Chief. Take me to see him. Now!"
"Mr. Smart."
"Take me or I'll kill you! I mean it! I've killed before. I can do it again!"
"All right. But don't say I didn't warn you." * * *
Max didn't understand. He had told this Elmer guy to take him to the Chief, but now he stood in the middle of a dreary cemetery. He didn't remember it being here before.
"Elmer, what are we doing here? I said I wanted to see the Chief, not a bunch of cracked headstones!" He cried.
"I know, Mr. Smart, but this is the best I can do. Take a look at that headstone over there."
Max's stomach dropped down to his feet and his mouth went dry. He knew what was coming. Hoping it was all some horrible nightmare, he knelt down in front of the cracked marble tombstone and brushed away the snow. There it was. The Chief's name engraved into cold stone. There were no fancy patterns or designs on the marker. Just the a name and two dates. Max frantically wiped snow off of all the surrounding stones. He saw the names of so many of his friends: Agents 13 and 44, Larrabee, Windish, and at least twenty other CONTROL agents that he had seen earlier that day.
He knelt in the wet snow, staring at the Chief's grave. Elmer approached him slowly and lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. "They all fought very bravely to stop KAOS, but it just wasn't enough. I'm sorry." Max slapped the hand off his shoulder, stood up, and spun around. He grabbed the spirit by the collar.
"Where's 99?" He demanded.
"There's no need to get upset! She's not dead!"
"Then where is she?!"
"She's on her way to work."
"What?"
"Without someone like you to help her along, and keep her going, she had no reason to keep fighting. She works at the library."
"What?!" Max roared. "99's a secret agent, not a librarian!"
"Not since your wish. Look. There she goes. She always passes the cemetery on her way to work." Max looked up to see, his partner, his 99, walk by, clutching a few books to her chest. She wore a dull brown skirt suit, square framed glasses, and an out of style hat, with a single pink flower, the only thing colorful about her attire, protruding from it.
This was not 99. She walked like 99 did, and had the same face, but to Max, she was not 99. He ran to her, yelling, "99! It's me! I'm back! I'm here!"
She turned at the sound of her old agent number, and saw a strange, dark haired man with beady eyes coming toward her. She gasped and started walking faster.
"99! Wait, it's me. It's Max!" He caught up with her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Don't you remember me?"
"Get away from me!" She shrieked. "Help! Help!"
"99." He was cut off when a fist that seemed like iron gripped his arm and turned him around. He looked up into the hard, expressionless face, and felt relief wash over him.
"Hymie! Am I glad to see you! You remember me, don't you?" "I have never seen you before in my life. But it is my job to make sure that employees of KAOS are protected. And this young lady is in charge of the KAOS library." Came the monotone voice of the (ex) CONTROL cybernot.
"What? Hymie, it's me! Max!"
"I do not know anyone named Max. Come with me." He started to drag Max to what was probably a KAOS version of a police station, but Elmer snuck up behind him and pulled his plug.
"Run, Mr. Smart, run!" The short little guy cried. And run he did. He high-tailed it all the way back to the alley where this awful nightmare had begun.
"I'm sorry, Elmer!" He shouted, sitting on an overturned trashcan. "I wish I'd been born! I wish I'd been born!" But Elmer was nowhere to be seen. Max buried his face in his hands muttering, "I wish I'd been born. I wanna be Maxwell Smart again!"
He was aroused from his trance by the sound of heavy footsteps. Here comes Hymie, he thought. My own best friend is turning me in to KAOS.
"Max? What are you doing here. Everyone has been looking for you. We've all been worried sick."
"What?" Max lifted his head. "Hymie, you know me?"
"Of course I know you, Max. I have known you for two years. Are you all right, Max? Your hand has blood on it." 86 looked down at his hand and saw the scrape from his earlier collision with Elmer."
"Hymie!" He gasped. "Hymie, my hand's bleeding! My hand's bleeding! I exist again!" He rushed to his robotic friend and gave him a tight hug. "Merry Christmas, Hymie!"
He rushed into the street and started to run toward his apartment, reveling in the KAOS free signs. "Merry Christmas, CONTROL HQ! Merry Christmas, White House!" He cried. "Merry Christmas, Washington!"
After saying, "Merry Christmas!" to everything in sight, Max finally arrived at his apartment. He opened the door, and was nearly knocked over by the crowd of CONTROL agents that seized him by the arms and dragged him in. The room was filled with cries of, "He's back, Chief! He's all right! Max, where have you been?"
The Chief came toward him with a smile on his face that was filled with relief and anger and worry and exasperation all at once. "Max!" He cried. "What are you trying to do to me? I already have an ulcer, and I don't need you running off and making it worse!"
"W.what?" Max stammered, still recovering from the nasty shock his colleagues had given him. "What are you all doing here?"
"Windish told us what he said to you, and all about the pocket watch laser. When 13 and 99 told us how you had snapped, I got worried. 99 and I came over to make sure you were alright. Max where were you? Everyone's been looking for you!"
"Where's 99?"
"She's still looking for you. She and Hymie refused to take a hot coffee break." The irritated man explained. "Max, she's been so upset, crying all night. Where were you?"
"I was.thinking things through. I'm sorry I caused you all so much trouble, but right now, I have to go find 99." He made his way through the jumble of fellow agents, but before he could reach the door, it swung open, and the lovely Agent 99 came in with her head down.
"I couldn't find him, Chief. I just know something terrible has happened!" She said softly.
"99?" She snapped her head up at the sound of her missing partner's voice.
"Max!" She cried, and he nearly lost his balance as she threw her arms around his neck in a chocker hug. "I've been so worried! I thought you had gotten hurt! I." She trailed off and pushed him away. "Don't you ever do that to me again! I nearly had a heart attack, and I'm half frozen and.and.oh, never mind. You're safe now, and that's all that matters." 99 gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
The only thing that went through Max's mind was, "She doesn't hate me! She was worried about me! She doesn't hate me!" It was the happiest moment of his life, knowing that his friends loved him, and the world needed him. But a wet blanket was still thrown over the small flame of relief that had begun to grow inside of him. He still owed the money! He was on his way to jail, and there was nothing he could do about it. 99 noticed his sudden distress.
"Max, what's wrong?" She asked with concern.
"I'm sorry I caused you all so much trouble. I didn't think anyone would care if I disappeared."
"Well, 86, of course we'd care!" 13 said, slapping him on the back. "What do you think we'd do without Maxwell Smart?"
"This whole town would go to seed." Max answered. Everyone laughed, but he hadn't meant it as a joke. "But that's not the problem. I owe $698,000.54 to the government. If I don't pay up, I'm going to prison."
"Oh, Max!" 99 gasped. "Here, it's not enough, but it'll help." She reached into her purse and pulled out a wad of paper bills.
"99, that's very sweet of you, but I can't take your money. It's my fault and I'm going to pay for it."
"Don't be noble, Smart! Take the money! Here, I'll help you out, too." Agent 44 tossed some money onto the coffee table. His contribution was soon joined by that of the Chief and Agent 13. Before long, everyone in the room had donated something, even Windish was over-powered by the holiday spirit, and pitched in a hundred dollar bill.
"But.but.I."
Max's protests were cut short when the Chief proclaimed, "If you don't take this money, 86, you're fired! Nearly everyone in this room has had their life saved by you at one time or another! Now we're even."
In no time at all, Max had more than enough to pay for his damages. Dr. Steele sat down at the piano and started to play, "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing." Someone brushed the tiny Christmas tree on Max's desk, and a bell ornament jingled.
"Max? I once heard that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. Do you suppose that's true?" Asked 99.
"Yes. 99." A euphoric 86 answered. "I do."
Notes
1) Hi everybody! I hope you liked the story. I just want to point out a couple of things. The first thing is, the idea for a notes section came from Lisa's Unofficial Get Smart Site. It's awesome, and it has lots of great fan fiction. I HIGHLY recommend it!
2) This is obviously a knock-off of, "It's a Wonderful Life." I'd seen it done on so many TV shows, that I just had to write a cheesy parody.
3) Elmer's line, "Youth is wasted on the wrong people!" is from, "It's a wonderful live,"! *gasp* Big surprise!
4) The part in the story where Elmer says, "A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man can be the difference between victory and defeat," is from Disney's, "Mulan." It's not mine.
5) I would really, really, really appreciate reviews. I want to become a better writer, so helpful and constructive criticism is always welcome, but if you want to flame me because you don't like parodies, don't even bother sending a review. It will be completely ignored. Therefore, it's just a waste of your time. Anyway, thank you all SO much for taking the time to read my fic. I will be eternally grateful. If I get enough good reviews, this won't be my last story. Thanks again!