Sailor Lilith-chan Presents:
Quack Experimental Fanfiction Excel Saga RIP
Episode One: Creating a New Season One Staple at a Time
Two men met in a dark studio. They were shadowy figures, only one sported a rather magnificent afro that moved with the wind. This was odd, because the air conditioner was off.
"How do you do that?" the man without the afro, who was better known as the author of the manga, Rikdo Koshi, said. His own shadow was dripping huge drops of sweat which were already starting to fill the studio.
The man with the afro was still and unaffected by the heat of the studio.
He was calm.
He was cool.
He also happened to have the unique ability to generate his own headwind.
Cool as ever, he reached into his pocket and whipped out a flashlight illuminating his face as he flicked it on. He grinned. "What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamned Nabeshin."
The mysterious ca-ching sound filled the dark studio. "What the hell was that?" Rikdo demanded. If one thing bugged him, it was mysterious ca-chings in darkened studios.
"One million yen being shipped to one Frank Miller's bank account," Nabeshin said, "Mind you, that's about eight thousand, three hundred, eighty-two dollars and twenty-three cents." He paused and smiled for an invisible camera. "That's in American dollars. Want to know how much it is in Euros?"
"Hold on!" Rikdo said, "You dragged me away from my writing by a horde of Excel clones all chanting "For the revolution, bitch!" I was summarily beaten about the buttocks by said clones and thrown into a limo, not that I didn't mind. But why have you brought me here? Why? Why?" He threw his hands into the air and fell down into the puddle of his own sweat for one drawn out, "Whhhhhhy?" which went on for several minutes.
A poor immigrant worker sloshed through the sizeable puddle of sweat as he walked up to Rikdo. Shaking the manga author's hand, the man blubbered, "Pedro admires the manga author with sizable lung capacity. He shakes Mr. Rikdo's hand as his tears flow like waterfalls."
The pool of sweat as well as Pedro's tears, which flowed like Niagara Falls, quickly filled up the room. Nabeshin was now in a boat shaped like a duck. "Rikdo… we had plans to make a season two of Excel Saga!"
"What?" Rikdo said, trying to keep afloat in the salty water that filled the studio. "You mean you will actually use the ideas you never took from the manga, you directorial edited for keeping this segment under a suitable rating which we sorta blew in episode twenty-six?"
Nabeshin grinned again. "The word is HAD, Rikdo. We blew most of our budget on Puni Puni Poemy and I blew the rest on a sandwich."
"A sandwich?"
Strangely enough, though Rikdo was close to drowning in his own sweat and immigrant worker tears, he was both relieved and pissed off. Nabeshin shrugged. "It was a very good sandwich," he said.
"But still… it means you can't change what your anime mangled. My poor manga," Rikdo raged. At that moment, Pedro gave Rikdo a rib-crunching hug. Rikdo held back a whimper of pain.
Nabeshin winked at the seemingly nonexistent camera. "Oh, we weren't planning on making the anime more compliant with the manga at all."
"You weren't?" Rikdo's voice grew weak from Pedro's hug and the water that was a mixture of sweat and tears and happened to be filling his lungs.
"Indeed," Nabeshin said, "So Hyatt came up with an idea." He pulled a limp Hyatt out of the water and slapped her back alive.
Rikdo's mind boggled. "She's fictional," he sputtered. He pointed to the clinging Pedro. "He's fictional too… there is no way they can be here."
"Hail Nabeshin!" the ghostly pale Hyatt gasped before coughing her life out into the water.
How ironic, Rikdo thought to himself as Hyatt's blood added to what would be his doom, blood, sweat, and tears.
Then the primitive monkey brain took over his thoughts and sounded something like Ack, I'm drowning, save me, save me…!
Which is what his mouth sputtered out around the rising tiding of ick!
Nabeshin nodded. "I will help you if you allow me to enslave a random fanfic author and staple their feet to the ground."
Rikdo thought the options over and nodded as Nabeshin pulled him into the duck-shaped boat. "In fact," Nabeshin said, pulling out a scroll of paper, "I have a contract for you to sign."
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I, Koshi Rikdo, will give Nabeshin the authority to staple a fanfic author's feet to the floor and turn Excel Saga Season Two into a fanfic that pokes fun at other fanfics.
-Rikdo (Stamp goes here)
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The author sobbed and gasped in pain as Nabeshin jammed in the last staple. "Oh dear god," it sobbed, "Did you have to staple my feet to the floor?"
Nabeshin's afro quivered with power and spat out the contract Rikdo had signed in the previous scene. "I'm obligated to do so by contract."
The author quivered.
"Start writing, slave!"
Straining with the pain of the staples in its feet, the author began to type.
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ExcelwaSGREDUCatingfroodeargodthepainithurtsithurtsmommmeeee!
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Nabeshin kicked the fanfic writer in the head. "Is that all you got?"
"My feet hurt," the author blubbered, "And I have to go to the bathroom."
The Great Director Nabeshin thought about it. "Keep writing," he said, "We'll catheterize you later."
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Excel was graduating college in an attempt to rip off the first episode where she graduated from high school.
"Gee, Hat-chan," she bubbled to her currently dead friend, "I didn't realize that the author who Nabeshin enslave and stapled its feet to the floor was such a piss poor writer."
Hyatt managed to come back to life and grin past blood-stained teeth. "Isn't it wonderful how we have a job even in times such as these?"
"I could think of nothing better!" Excel chirped, sparkling, the radiant stuff life is made of. (Annoying author's note that shouldn't be there: You really shouldn't drink Gatorade since its made from the sweat of athletes. Have you seen the commericals?) "How fortunate we have graduated from college."
"Yes," Hyatt nodded weakly despite the blood that was starting to drip from her nose. "How fortunate we are."
Excel pumped her fist in the air and gave a victory sign. She skipped and twirled around Hyatt, not at all caring that Hyatt was about five seconds from keeling over dead again. "Ahhhhh…" she said and launched into rapid speak, "How wonderful it is that Excel got out of college even though she had to offer her various offices to the professorial staff regardless of whether or not they were male or female or tentacle beast as she worked nights at the tofu shop where her bastard of a boss wouldn't give her tofu so she had to lick the tile in hopes that a little bit of food got through, but she has gotten a degree… a shiny new degree!"
Despite being in a growing pool of her own blood, Hyatt manage to gurgle something that might have been, "Good work, Ma'am." It might have also been, "Help, help, I'm trapped in a pool of my own blood."
Excel's eyes widened so large that she might have had a case of the girly-eyed measles. "Oh, Hat-chan! Excel is so happy."
And with that she twirled Hyatt around by her ankles, splashing the college students and professors around them with a ton of blood.
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Nabeshin inspected the typed words on the computer screen. "Bloody and over the top," he said. "I like it. Type more!"
"I'm in pain," the author wept, gangrene already starting to take hold in its feet, although it didn't know it at the time.
The author promptly got bitchslapped by Nabeshin's afro. "Keep writing!"
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Excel danced through the street, merrily dragging the corpse of Hyatt behind her in a trail of blood and teeth. Neither of these things mattered to Excel because animation errors always returned Hyatt to normal. "Acro-ss-u! Ripping off episode one! Proudly going where others have before and ripping off what is rightfully someone else's. Harmon-i-a! Harm-"
She never noticed the bus rolling toward her.
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SMACK!
The author wailed and clutched its shattered jawbone as Nabeshin put his mallet back in his afro. "What was that?"
The author sobbed and weakly typed out, "What you wanted… don't hurt me!"
Nabeshin walloped the author again. "Silence. And delete that last line from the fic! Just like that author's note you put in earlier, it has no place in this work."
Whimpering as well as a shattered mandible would allow, the author began typing again.
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Excel blinked. Thankfully, due to luck, she was able to escape by falling at the right moment. "Oh, praise Il Palazzo-sama for high buses." She poked the slightly damage corpse of Hyatt. "That would really be bad, huh? A repeat of episode one."
Then there was a whistling sound. Excel looked around in confusion. "Huh, Excel hears a whistling sound…"
The sound grew louder.
"And it seems to be coming from above me!"
Excel looked up to see a flaming piece of debris from the Mir space station falling toward her… to be more exact, it was a toilet seat from the space station Mir.
"Somehow," Excel said aloud, staring at the fiery ball of toilet seat doom, "This seems rather ripped off."
The toilet seat crashed into her and killed Excel in a fiery ball of doom.
The End
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"Of course it's a rip off," Nabeshin said to the author. "You got the idea from Dead Like Me. And you can't end a story like that." He balled up his fists in righteous anger. "You can't say 'and then she died, the end'. It's very wrong and you should rewrite it! Rewrite it!"
But the author was slumped over the keyboard. After a quick inspection, Nabeshin realized that not only was the author slumped over the keyboard… the author was slumped lifelessly over the keyboard, having choked on its on blood.
"Ah, you're dead," he said and thought over it for a few minutes.
Would the fanfic go on?
Nabeshin came to a grand conclusion.
"Oh, well," he said, "Fanfic writers are a dime a dozen."
And so the torture continued.
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Creating a New Season One Staple at a Time
Today's Experiment… FAILED
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Author's Notes: So this has been the first chapter of Excel Saga RIP. The next chapter will contain chewy nougat and plot. You like plot… don't you?