Stranger than Fanfiction
By JestaAriadne Sept 2002
Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy Square would probably be very glad of the fact
A/N: Erm... this is pure crazy-fic! This is NOT how I normally see Sephiroth! Tee hee, lots of Yuffie again... can you tell I think she's coool? Not enough Vincent. Never mind. There's not much continuity here with anything I've written so far except for a strange little reference to the first Yuffentine I wrote: Shouting is Fun... if you don't get why Barret's getting deja vu all over again and it bothers you, you should probably read that. Otherwise, just skip these stupid notes and get on with the story!!! For some odd reasons I've sort of written it in the 2nd person Oh, yeah: Enjoy??!!!!
You switched on your TV a couple days ago, and had a rather surprising experience. First, there was music playing. Something like the main theme but with a few quirks, or even - dare you say - wrong notes!! Abstract art and screenshots flew across the screen.
True, you had left your playstation plugged in and probably actually switched on, and maybe two days was enough time for computer sprites to get bored and rowdy, but you hadn't expected this. Still, entertaining hopes for a cool bonus cinematic you'd somehow missed, you turned up the volume and sat back to enjoy.
The abstract art pieces disappeared and the scene was set in.... an empty black space. Hmm. Probably something out of someone's weirdy surreal dream. Probably Cloud's, he got most of them.
Cloud himself then walked onto the screen. You noticed with pleasure that the graphics were, well, extremely unusually well rendered, right down to the facial expressions.
You could immediately tell that Cloud was angry.
Sephiroth was standing opposite him and it was clear that (in Cloud's mind) he wasn't supposed to be there. Aeris, suddenly standing there too, didn't look to happy with the arrangements either.
"Well if it isn't Airhead," said Sephiroth, sneering.
"Her name," said Cloud, breathing heavily, "is Aeris."
"Oh, and what would you know about it, Clod?"
Cloud was really angry now. "Hey!!! Well, in that case, you're - you're ......... Stupidroth!!!!!!"
Sephiroth shook his head pityingly. "You just haven't got it, I'm afraid."
Cloud looked confused, which was really not such a strange state of events, so may have started to relax at this point. "Got what?" he asked.
"The gift, young fool, the gift!! I am the only one with the true talent for making up silly names for you all!!! I mean - "Stupidroth"? Tell me, where is the music in that?"
Cloud looked still more confused.
Sephiroth took the opportunity to stick in an evil laugh. "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ahem." He noticed the weird looks he was getting. "What??? I never got to do enough of that in the game. Anyway, I AM THE MASTER OF STUPID NAMES!! Muaha-"
"Oh, gee... how wonderful," said Aeris, voice dripping with sarcasm (you suddenly noticed that she seemed to be actually talking. You'd lost track of the blue dialogue boxes. Were they there??). "The single most important talent in the universe."
Sephiroth looked rather put-out and fell silent.
"And anyway," continued Aeris, "what're you doing here? I thought you were dead by now."
No one (not even Vincent, Nanaki, Tifa, or Cid who had suddenly appeared for no apparent reason) seemed prepared to offer any explanation, so she continued further.
"Come to think of it, what am I doing here?"
Suddenly, another girl ran up, out of breath and screaming at the top of her lungs.
"G-guys!!! Guys!! Guess what!!?!"
Vincent regarded her stonily. "What are you going to steal now, Yuffie?"
Yuffie took a moment to recover her breath and then glared at him. "Shut up," she said.
"You shut up!" he countered.
"You shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone else.
"Oh," said Vincent sheepishly. "Soz."
Most people looked merely puzzled by this slightly unusual register of language, but Barret was holding his head in his hands and whimpering: "Deja vu.... deja vu...."
Surprisingly enough, it was Cloud who collected himself first. "Alright, Yuffie... what exactly has happened/will happen/is happening/do you want/are you going to steal?"
Yuffie stared. "How did you do that?? Talk with punctuation???"
"I don't know," Cloud answered, unhelpfully. "Now answer the question(s)."
"O-OK... Oh yeah!! Guess what!!!!!!!"
"That wasn't answering the question(s)."
"Well, you didn't guess what." Yuffie stuck her tongue out at Cloud.
"EXCUSE ME!!!" Sephiroth tossed his impressive hair and tried to push himself to the front of the screen. "WHO is the villain here??"
"Um... you...?" said Tifa, who hadn't realised this fact was exactly under debate.
"And therefore," continued Sephiroth, "WHO should get all the attention??"
"Um... Cloud...?" said Tifa, who hadn't realised THIS fact was very debatable either.
"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Septhiroth buried his head in his hands. "No no no no NO!" He shuddered. "YEARS of preparation and what do I get??"
"Um... nothing...?" said Tifa.
"YES!!! NOTHING!!!" Sephiroth practically fell to the floor (if there was one) and started sobbing hysterically.
The others exchanged glances of varying levels of puzzlement that communicated anything from: "Oh. Well. We always knew he was a little odd, taking over the world and all" to "OH NO!! HE'S FINALLY CRACKED!! Er again."
"Er... Sephiroth?" ventured Tifa. "If it makes you feel any better, you probably have more shrines on the internet than Cloud."
Sephiroth sniffed and raised his head, making puppy-dog eyes from behind the curtain of his hair. "Really?"
Tifa tentatively patted his shoulder. "Really. A lot of people thing you're as cute as Vincent. They even call you Sephy sometimes."
"Sephy..." he murmured. "Yes, it has music. Sephy." He was silent as he reflected on this. Then he looked up again, misery and anger once again inscribed across his features. "But I don't have as many shrines as YOU, do I?"
"Um..." Tifa was not 100% sure how to reply to that one. As a precaution, she first stepped a couple metres away from him. Then she said. "Well, no, and quite frankly that's perfectly understandable."
"No, it ISN'T!!!!" wailed Sephiroth. "Even Airhead gets more shrines than me!!!! And I lasted two whole discs longer than she did!! Well, nearly." He took a moment to recover himself. "AND she stole my hair!"
"WHAT?" exclaimed everyone.
"GU-UYS!!!!" yelled Yuffie, and you were forced to turn the volume back down again. "That's what I was trying to tell you!! That's why they're both back!!! The Fans have decided!!! It's the Battle of the Hairstyles!!!!!!!!"
Blink.
"The........ what?" asked Aeris.
At the same time, Sephiroth had gone white with shock. "No..." he whispered, "but, how did they know?"
"Know what?" asked Cloud suspiciously.
"SHE STOLE MY HAIRSTYLE!" shouted Sephiroth.
"We've heard," said Vincent dryly. "And?"
"Oh. OK, OK!!! That was the reason I tried to kill her! There. Satisfied?? So I've already proven my supremacy. She had no right to come back to life."
"Neither do you," pointed out Aeris. "Besides, I'd hardly say we fought fair and square last time, would you? Wait, don't answer that, I have a feeling I know what you'll say."
Sephiroth pouted.
"Come on!!!!" yelled Yuffie. "Are we ready to start!???"
Sephiroth stood up proudly. "I am ready to defend my title. Give me my ma-masa-u.... SWORD!!"
Yuffie regarded him straightly. "Scuse me, but why should I give you anything? Besides, it's no weapons allowed."
"WHAT? OK, OK, calm down Sephy..." Sephiroth took deep breaths and gave himself a whispered pep talk. "Alright then. Give me my materia!!!"
"Sorry," said Yuffie, "no materia allowed."
"WHAT??? FINE!!! WE'LL DO THIS THE OLD FASHIONED WAY!!" He started to charge towards Aeris, only to be held back by Vincent.
"Sorry," said Yuffie, "no physical contact allowed."
"What kind of battle is this anyway???"
"Actually," said Cloud, "that's quite a good question. How are they supposed to fight if they're not allowed to fight?"
"Right...." said Yuffie... "Anyway, they're not actually fighting you idiot, it's just someone's idea of a smart title. I'll show you. I wanna tape measure!"
Suddenly, a tape measure fell out of the sky into Yuffie's outstretched hand. Everyone else's mouths dropped open.
"How did you do that??" asked Cloud.
Yuffie shrugged. "Hey, you can do that weird speaking punctuation thing, I deserve a talent too."
"Yeah.... but yours is better," moaned Cloud.
"Oh, shut up Cloud, you're spoiling the story," said Tifa.
"Oh."
"ANYWAY!!" said Sephiroth, pushing in front of everyone again. "ME, people, MEEEEE and MY hair!!"
"Right, right, whatever" said Yuffie, unrolling the tape-measure casually. "You first then?"
Sephiroth stepped up and pulled on the front of his bangs, extending it as far as it would go (way past arm's length). Yuffie carefully aligned the tape measure.
"OK. And it's official! The front of Sephiroth's hair measures an astounding two feet, and I know Aeris will be hard pressed to beat that, though of course she might have the edge with overall length and-"
"Yuffie?" interuppted Tifa. "You haven't considered a career as a sports' commentator have you?"
"Why? Do they get lots of materia?" asked Yuffie hopefully, momentarily stemming her flow of words.
"Er I don't think so."
"Oh. Shame. Anyway. Aeris is up next!!!!!"
Aeris stepped forward.
"Oooh" said Yuffie as she measure Aeris' equally impressive fringe. "Ah"
"WHAT WHAT???" asked Cloud, getting rather overexcited.
"Oooooh.." said Yuffie, smirking him.
"WHAAAAAAT? HOW LONG!??"
"Ummm. ONE FOOT SEVEN!!!!!!"
They was a collective "Aaaaaah!!!"
"But the game's not over yet, ladies and gentlemen, not by a long way!!" continued Yuffie, really getting into this role "We still have the sides of the hair, the back and the overall total to go!!!!!"
A tense silence fell over the company as they awaited the outcome.
Just as she was measuring the back of Sephiroth's hair, Yuffie pointed out helpfully: "You do know that the Fans have voted that whoever loses this is officially REALLY actually dead and can't come back?"
"WHAT?" screamed Aeris.
"WHAT??" screamed Sephiroth.
"WHAT???" screamed Tifa.
"WHAT????" screamed Cloud.
Actually, everyone else reacted in a similar way, except for Vincent, who had to be tapped on the shoulder rather harder than necessary by Yuffie to elicit a relcutant "Oh, fine: What." Anyway, some time later, Yuffie was able to explain.
"I know, man, those fans!! Aren't they evil?" she said conversationally. "I think we should all go kill them some day for the torturing they've done to us in fanfics. Anyway, don't worry, I'm sure that officially REALLY actually dead doesn't mean really REALLY dead."
You reflected on this truly wise observation.
Yuffie finished measuring the sides of Sephiroth's hair. Four foot.
Aeris'. Four foot five.
The back of Sephiroths'. Four foot four
Aeris'. Five feet.
Which meant.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" screamed Sephiroth.
You and everyone else waited for him to spotaneous combust or disappear in a load of red pieces or something, but he didn't. Instead he said: "AAAAAA!!!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE RULES!!!! I'M GONNA GET YOU, AIRHEAD THE HAIR-STEALER!!!!!!"
With that he started to charge towards her, fists flailing. She looked slightly worried for a moment, then side-stepped neatly and stuck her foot out.
Sephiroth tripped and fell flat onto the nonexistant floor. "OWWWWWWWW!!!!!"
Something grey seemed to be slipping off his head.
"OH MY-" started Yuffie, wide-eyed. "IS THAT A WIG???"
Cloud ran towards the fallen figure and yanked his "hair" hard. It fell completely away to reveal. Pink and spiky!!!!!!
"HUH???"
"GIVE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!" yelled Sephiroth, trying in vain to cover his head with his hands.
Unfortunately for him, no one seemed to disposed to help him, for reasons absolutely unexplainable
"Alright, ALRIGHT!!!" he sobbed. "I had a punk-rock period, OK?! Now give me my wig back!!!"
"I don't think so!!' yelled Yuffie, standing proudly forward. "You are in direct violation of something I'm sure cos you're a CHEAT and a LIAR and a MEANIE!"
""
"Give me some handcuffs!!!!" Yuffie yelled dramatically to no one in particular. Sure enough, a pair fell neatly from the sky again.
Cloud stared on in open envy. "It's not fair" he whined. "Everyone always gets better things than me!"
Everyone else turned and glared at him.
"I beg to differ..." began Vincent.
"Cloud, to be quite honest..." began Nanaki.
Tifa drowned them out: "Excuse me!! Not that you happen to have any slightly fantastical properties about you! Not the most unfairly incredible limit break? No gravity defying hair, or anything? No superhuman strength to wield insanely large swords??"
Cloud looked a little sheepish, but you weren't really watching him, because Sephiroth had once more pushed himself to the fore.
"AHA!! I have a better sword!!"
Yuffie firmly clipped the handcuffs around his wrists.
A couple random ex-Shinra employees made a guest appearance and dragged him off screen.
"I have a bigger sword!!!" he was still yelling as the screen faded to black. "Just you wait, Clod!!! You and your stupid little piddling sword that even... even a goldfish cold carry!!! I'll get my revenge!! I really will next time!! Just you wait!!! I have a bigger sword! I HAVE A bigger sword!!!.........................."
You switched the TV off and walked away, just a little worried.
THE END