A/N Ok this be my first LOTR fanfic. I was just recently [aka 4 days ago] sucke dinto the world of LOTR and I found this challenge today. I do not own anything LOTR so :p This is my first fic of LOTR previously stated and I hope that I do an okay job.
Your challenge is to write a pure humour fic
Rules:
-Rating can be from G to PG-13, nothing above that.
-The following lines must be in the story somewhere:
"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy."
"What is it with men and asking for directions?!!"
"Excuse me...little fella? We were wondering if..." "Aragorn...I don't think that's a little fella....."
-Must have Aragorn and Legolas as the main characters. May also involve Twins, Elrond and Glorfindel if you want.
~A Tracker's woes~
Another long day of walking. The hobbit's ever relentless beggings were getting on the whole fellowships nerves. "Please can we just stop for food! We are so hungry" Pippin squeaked, tugging on the end of Striders tunic.
"No. We do not stop until sunset, and you know that. And if you keep up with that whining you will be sorry." He growled at the small hobbit who now looked scared. "Oh stop it Aragorn. He means no harm. You of all people should know that Hobbits are particularly hungry creatures."
Legolas said striding up gracefully next to the man. "Well if he would just stop asking" The said man shot a glare at the small creature who joined his three other companions like himself. "I would not yell at him."
"Hey, Man! I know we have seen this rock before! I had hit it with my axe and there is the mark!" A small red dwarf said sprinting the best he could over to the elf and man. "Stop walking already! We are going in a big circle!" He shouted.
A loud groan came from the Hobbits. "You mean?" "Were lost!" were also heard from another man and one of the hobbits. "I thought I could work it out! See I know where we got off track, now if we turn around…" Aragorn said but was cut off. "What is it with men and asking for directions!?! If you knew we were lost, why didn't you ask someone for help!?!" Legolas almost screamed at Aragorn.
The elf and men were close friends, and no one had ever heard the well tempered elf ever scream/yell.
"Well excuse me pretty boy. I have pride. I can figure this out by myself."
"Oh, no you wont. You are too cowardice to ask anyone for directions." The elf said defiantly. "I bet that you will not ask for directions in the next tavern we see. If you do, I will…" "You will not wash your hair for a week." The elf cringed but agreed. "Yes, for a week. And if you do not. You will have to bathe, for an entire week."
They shook hands. "Now where is this tavern you speak of Legolas?" The elf took the man by the shoulders and roughly turned him around. "There. About a mile that way. Come on, lets get going. You all can stay here. We will be back shortly"
The hobbits didn't protest as they dropped their things to the ground and rummaged inside of their packs for food.
~Practically racing each other to the tavern, the man and elf stopped short in front of the door. The elf standing there without anything the slightest wrong, no sweat, no hair out of place and not winded he held the door open for the panting man. "After you."
Aragorn sneered at the prissy elf and entered the tavern. The warm air smelled heavily of alcohol and breath. He looked carefully around the room and spotted one gentleman, who looked friendly enough. With the elf close behind he tapped the man on the shoulder.
"Excuse me...little fella? We were wondering if..." Aragorn was cut off by Legolas' voice a little tinged with worry.
"Aragorn...I don't think that's a little fella....."
And it wasn't. Obviously the guy that Aragorn had tapped was a odd creature. Lets just say that looks can be deceiving. They ran out of the tavern faster then they had run to it. They were still running as they approached the group where they left them. Fighting a long the way.
"How stupid can you get?! I mean… calling a random guy little fellow! How stupid are you men?" "Excuse me Mr. High and Mighty! How was I supposed to know that...that THING wasn't as small as he seemed to be!"
Legolas snorted. "Anybody could have told you that he wasn't that small. And you call yourself a Ranger." Argorn clenched his fist raising it to strike the elf. What they didn't know that the other seven members of the fellowship were now crowding around them. "I am one of the best rangers you have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Unlike me who has the utmost horror to meet the most prissy self indulged pretty boy ever." He was about to bring his fist into the elf's chin when the wizard stepped forward.
Saying some sort of enchantment and waving his staff, he had made Aragorn stop. "Now children. Will you please settle camp for the night. Seeing as no one else is going to do it for you, and we are going no further." Aragorn was about to retort but was shut up with a piercing look from Gandalf
They trudged, well Aragorn did whilst Legolas almost skipped to his pack to set up camp. After dinner and a few petty spats, the Men, Hobbits Wizard and Elf all went to sleep.
~
Before anyone else could wake a young girl hobbit, no older than Pippin or Merry had snuck onto their camp site. Not very plump, nor very skinny, she was exactly the perfect size for a Hobbitess. Big brown eyes that matched her brown softly curled hair, gave her an overall beautiful look, well for a Hobbit anyway.
She set out to clean up after the nine Men [of all species] and was startled when they all awoke at nearly the same time. "What are you doing here woman?" Gandalf said rising to his feet, staff in hand. "I-I was just wandering when I came upon your camp. It looked quite untidy so I started to clean it sir. Im not from around these parts and I got lost whilst wandering. I just wanted to help" She rambled looking down at her feet.
The Hobbits all glanced from her to Gandalf. His expression changed from harsh to almost smiling. "That's quite alright Miss. We appreciate your help with cleaning up. You did quite a fair job." The hobbit gave a curtsy. "It was my pleasure Sirs."
After finishing cleaning, and listening to the small talk, it was clear that the men were obviously just watching her clean. "Would you Sirs like me to cook you some breakfast? You all look dreadfully skinny." A few nods and chuckles came forth. She took it as yes and asked for the supplies that they had. Naturally the male Hobbits had them. Taking them she moved over to the fire and started to prepare the food.
"Now Aragorn. About your baths. I will require for you to take one every night just after setting up camp. You have seven and I will personally make sure you do take all of them." "But that is not fair and you know it Elf boy. I was going to ask for directions…" "Oh, but you did not. I was there and I had not heard you ask for any directions." THe elf had a smirk plastered across his face.
"Well…." He said angrily standing up for the first time that morning. "What in the name of?" Gimli said rather rudely out of nowhere. "Whats wrong now Dwarf?" Aragorn was NOT in a good mood. "You have a…a.. tail" He burst out laughing, clutching his sides. "WHAT?!? Gandalf! I am going to kill you!" He said clutching his bottom trying to conceal the long tail that had sprung forth from his behind. Legolas also started to laugh uncontrollably at the site when the ranger had turned around. It had looked much like a lions tail. "Now child, you will do no such thing. It will wear off, once it touches water." Gandalf said with an eerie smile playing across his slender lips.
He looked strangely at the Wizard and glared at the still laughing elf. "You both will pay for this." He was cut off as the young Hobbitess came forth and shoved the plate of food in the rangers hands. "Eat before it gets cold, and eat all of it." She walked away leaving the man to stare in disbelief down at the plate. There was more food there that he had seen in ages. "How the hell am I supposed to…" "don't complain eat it!" Exclaimed Merry. "Well if you don't want it I will take it!" Pippin added shortly thereafter.
He turned away from the Hobbits. And the elf snickered. When the Hobbit lass came over to the Elf offering him food he turned it down. "I do not eat food that is not Elven. But I do have a question. What is your name? You seem to not have mentioned it." The hobbit blushed. "So sorry Sirs. My name is Katie * Brombelder."
"Nice to meet you Miss Katie." Legolas bowed slightly. She nodded and took the food away and Merry and Pippin squealed with delight when she gave it to them. When the fellowship was about to leave Katie spoke up for the last time. "It was great being able to do these things for you men." They all smiled gratefully at the girl. "But I have a request."
They all gave her quizzical looks. "Before I leave and let you on your way, can I get a hug?" She asked timidly. The hobbits smiled and the older members chuckled softly whilst Aragorn and Legolas nodded. She beamed as she gave them each a hug.
Approaching the Hobbits she gave them each a bigger warmer hug. "See you back in the Shire I hope." Stopping at the last one, Samwise. Hugging him round the middle she said loudly for all to hear, "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy." Letting go she ran off leaving the group puzzled and the aforementioned Squishy blushing deeply.
"That was one strange hobbit." Boramir said laughing. "Well move out people, we have a long way to go. And I need to get rid of this bloody thing." Aragorn said looking down at the swishing tail. Turning around angrily he hit Legolas with it. The elf stumbled slightly. "Watch where you swing that thing! it's a weapon all is own."
Aragorn snorting he continued, ignoring all the stares he got when his tail did an odd thing. This was one of the strangest experiences in the Fellowship that he had in a long time.
~
Finally reaching a creek they set up camp and Aragorn jumped in the water as soon as he could. He felt the thing almost instantly disintegrate. About to climb out of the water he was immediately pushed back in by a boot in the face. "Oh no you don't, just getting wet is not a bath Aragorn. Scrub, with this." The blonde elf tossed something at the rangers chest. "Oh and be a dear and use some soap too." THe said soap hit the raner square on the forehead.
~Day 21~
I cannot believe what in the world has happened the last two days. Getting lost, almost getting killed, Getting beaten by that mangy elf. That weird Hobbit Girl… even though she was a damn good cook. I will never forget the look on Young Gamgee's face. Squishy.. Wow that's just so.. Hahaha.
::tears stains make the next few lines illegible::
Ok, I've stopped laughing so hard that I was crying. But that Elf again I Swear…..
[The writing changed]
That Elf what? Is unimaginably good looking? Very very smart? Has the best hair in Middle-earth?
[It look like there was a struggle for the writing utensil]
No, you are an incorrigible bastard and you know it! Throwing that soap at me. I have a mark thanks to you. And that horrible tail, even though it was fun whacking that damned prissy boy with it. It was such sweet and sorrow parting. Oh well I'll get over it. If this is just the beginning of our journey, I wonder how this is all going to end…..
~ Forever yours,
Aragorn
Your challenge is to write a pure humour fic
Rules:
-Rating can be from G to PG-13, nothing above that.
-The following lines must be in the story somewhere:
"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy."
"What is it with men and asking for directions?!!"
"Excuse me...little fella? We were wondering if..." "Aragorn...I don't think that's a little fella....."
-Must have Aragorn and Legolas as the main characters. May also involve Twins, Elrond and Glorfindel if you want.
~A Tracker's woes~
Another long day of walking. The hobbit's ever relentless beggings were getting on the whole fellowships nerves. "Please can we just stop for food! We are so hungry" Pippin squeaked, tugging on the end of Striders tunic.
"No. We do not stop until sunset, and you know that. And if you keep up with that whining you will be sorry." He growled at the small hobbit who now looked scared. "Oh stop it Aragorn. He means no harm. You of all people should know that Hobbits are particularly hungry creatures."
Legolas said striding up gracefully next to the man. "Well if he would just stop asking" The said man shot a glare at the small creature who joined his three other companions like himself. "I would not yell at him."
"Hey, Man! I know we have seen this rock before! I had hit it with my axe and there is the mark!" A small red dwarf said sprinting the best he could over to the elf and man. "Stop walking already! We are going in a big circle!" He shouted.
A loud groan came from the Hobbits. "You mean?" "Were lost!" were also heard from another man and one of the hobbits. "I thought I could work it out! See I know where we got off track, now if we turn around…" Aragorn said but was cut off. "What is it with men and asking for directions!?! If you knew we were lost, why didn't you ask someone for help!?!" Legolas almost screamed at Aragorn.
The elf and men were close friends, and no one had ever heard the well tempered elf ever scream/yell.
"Well excuse me pretty boy. I have pride. I can figure this out by myself."
"Oh, no you wont. You are too cowardice to ask anyone for directions." The elf said defiantly. "I bet that you will not ask for directions in the next tavern we see. If you do, I will…" "You will not wash your hair for a week." The elf cringed but agreed. "Yes, for a week. And if you do not. You will have to bathe, for an entire week."
They shook hands. "Now where is this tavern you speak of Legolas?" The elf took the man by the shoulders and roughly turned him around. "There. About a mile that way. Come on, lets get going. You all can stay here. We will be back shortly"
The hobbits didn't protest as they dropped their things to the ground and rummaged inside of their packs for food.
~Practically racing each other to the tavern, the man and elf stopped short in front of the door. The elf standing there without anything the slightest wrong, no sweat, no hair out of place and not winded he held the door open for the panting man. "After you."
Aragorn sneered at the prissy elf and entered the tavern. The warm air smelled heavily of alcohol and breath. He looked carefully around the room and spotted one gentleman, who looked friendly enough. With the elf close behind he tapped the man on the shoulder.
"Excuse me...little fella? We were wondering if..." Aragorn was cut off by Legolas' voice a little tinged with worry.
"Aragorn...I don't think that's a little fella....."
And it wasn't. Obviously the guy that Aragorn had tapped was a odd creature. Lets just say that looks can be deceiving. They ran out of the tavern faster then they had run to it. They were still running as they approached the group where they left them. Fighting a long the way.
"How stupid can you get?! I mean… calling a random guy little fellow! How stupid are you men?" "Excuse me Mr. High and Mighty! How was I supposed to know that...that THING wasn't as small as he seemed to be!"
Legolas snorted. "Anybody could have told you that he wasn't that small. And you call yourself a Ranger." Argorn clenched his fist raising it to strike the elf. What they didn't know that the other seven members of the fellowship were now crowding around them. "I am one of the best rangers you have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Unlike me who has the utmost horror to meet the most prissy self indulged pretty boy ever." He was about to bring his fist into the elf's chin when the wizard stepped forward.
Saying some sort of enchantment and waving his staff, he had made Aragorn stop. "Now children. Will you please settle camp for the night. Seeing as no one else is going to do it for you, and we are going no further." Aragorn was about to retort but was shut up with a piercing look from Gandalf
They trudged, well Aragorn did whilst Legolas almost skipped to his pack to set up camp. After dinner and a few petty spats, the Men, Hobbits Wizard and Elf all went to sleep.
~
Before anyone else could wake a young girl hobbit, no older than Pippin or Merry had snuck onto their camp site. Not very plump, nor very skinny, she was exactly the perfect size for a Hobbitess. Big brown eyes that matched her brown softly curled hair, gave her an overall beautiful look, well for a Hobbit anyway.
She set out to clean up after the nine Men [of all species] and was startled when they all awoke at nearly the same time. "What are you doing here woman?" Gandalf said rising to his feet, staff in hand. "I-I was just wandering when I came upon your camp. It looked quite untidy so I started to clean it sir. Im not from around these parts and I got lost whilst wandering. I just wanted to help" She rambled looking down at her feet.
The Hobbits all glanced from her to Gandalf. His expression changed from harsh to almost smiling. "That's quite alright Miss. We appreciate your help with cleaning up. You did quite a fair job." The hobbit gave a curtsy. "It was my pleasure Sirs."
After finishing cleaning, and listening to the small talk, it was clear that the men were obviously just watching her clean. "Would you Sirs like me to cook you some breakfast? You all look dreadfully skinny." A few nods and chuckles came forth. She took it as yes and asked for the supplies that they had. Naturally the male Hobbits had them. Taking them she moved over to the fire and started to prepare the food.
"Now Aragorn. About your baths. I will require for you to take one every night just after setting up camp. You have seven and I will personally make sure you do take all of them." "But that is not fair and you know it Elf boy. I was going to ask for directions…" "Oh, but you did not. I was there and I had not heard you ask for any directions." THe elf had a smirk plastered across his face.
"Well…." He said angrily standing up for the first time that morning. "What in the name of?" Gimli said rather rudely out of nowhere. "Whats wrong now Dwarf?" Aragorn was NOT in a good mood. "You have a…a.. tail" He burst out laughing, clutching his sides. "WHAT?!? Gandalf! I am going to kill you!" He said clutching his bottom trying to conceal the long tail that had sprung forth from his behind. Legolas also started to laugh uncontrollably at the site when the ranger had turned around. It had looked much like a lions tail. "Now child, you will do no such thing. It will wear off, once it touches water." Gandalf said with an eerie smile playing across his slender lips.
He looked strangely at the Wizard and glared at the still laughing elf. "You both will pay for this." He was cut off as the young Hobbitess came forth and shoved the plate of food in the rangers hands. "Eat before it gets cold, and eat all of it." She walked away leaving the man to stare in disbelief down at the plate. There was more food there that he had seen in ages. "How the hell am I supposed to…" "don't complain eat it!" Exclaimed Merry. "Well if you don't want it I will take it!" Pippin added shortly thereafter.
He turned away from the Hobbits. And the elf snickered. When the Hobbit lass came over to the Elf offering him food he turned it down. "I do not eat food that is not Elven. But I do have a question. What is your name? You seem to not have mentioned it." The hobbit blushed. "So sorry Sirs. My name is Katie * Brombelder."
"Nice to meet you Miss Katie." Legolas bowed slightly. She nodded and took the food away and Merry and Pippin squealed with delight when she gave it to them. When the fellowship was about to leave Katie spoke up for the last time. "It was great being able to do these things for you men." They all smiled gratefully at the girl. "But I have a request."
They all gave her quizzical looks. "Before I leave and let you on your way, can I get a hug?" She asked timidly. The hobbits smiled and the older members chuckled softly whilst Aragorn and Legolas nodded. She beamed as she gave them each a hug.
Approaching the Hobbits she gave them each a bigger warmer hug. "See you back in the Shire I hope." Stopping at the last one, Samwise. Hugging him round the middle she said loudly for all to hear, "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy." Letting go she ran off leaving the group puzzled and the aforementioned Squishy blushing deeply.
"That was one strange hobbit." Boramir said laughing. "Well move out people, we have a long way to go. And I need to get rid of this bloody thing." Aragorn said looking down at the swishing tail. Turning around angrily he hit Legolas with it. The elf stumbled slightly. "Watch where you swing that thing! it's a weapon all is own."
Aragorn snorting he continued, ignoring all the stares he got when his tail did an odd thing. This was one of the strangest experiences in the Fellowship that he had in a long time.
~
Finally reaching a creek they set up camp and Aragorn jumped in the water as soon as he could. He felt the thing almost instantly disintegrate. About to climb out of the water he was immediately pushed back in by a boot in the face. "Oh no you don't, just getting wet is not a bath Aragorn. Scrub, with this." The blonde elf tossed something at the rangers chest. "Oh and be a dear and use some soap too." THe said soap hit the raner square on the forehead.
~Day 21~
I cannot believe what in the world has happened the last two days. Getting lost, almost getting killed, Getting beaten by that mangy elf. That weird Hobbit Girl… even though she was a damn good cook. I will never forget the look on Young Gamgee's face. Squishy.. Wow that's just so.. Hahaha.
::tears stains make the next few lines illegible::
Ok, I've stopped laughing so hard that I was crying. But that Elf again I Swear…..
[The writing changed]
That Elf what? Is unimaginably good looking? Very very smart? Has the best hair in Middle-earth?
[It look like there was a struggle for the writing utensil]
No, you are an incorrigible bastard and you know it! Throwing that soap at me. I have a mark thanks to you. And that horrible tail, even though it was fun whacking that damned prissy boy with it. It was such sweet and sorrow parting. Oh well I'll get over it. If this is just the beginning of our journey, I wonder how this is all going to end…..
~ Forever yours,
Aragorn