What Has Gone Before:

Everything up to and including the Jungle Movie is canon. During the events of that movie, Rhonda, Helga, and Phoebe were infected with extraterrestrial spores that caused them to mutate into powerful hybrid lifeforms. After a series of events which are mostly irrelevant to this story (during which Lila was also mutated), the girls regained the ability to look human, and resumed fairly normal lives, though they still maintain side careers as mutant superheroines. These events are all chronicled in my series Body Issues.

It is now freshman year of high school. Since the end of Body Issues, the Patakis have divorced but remain amicable. Bob Pataki is now a partner in an internet startup selling appliances. Miriam, who had gotten clean and moved into the Sunset Arms with Helga, works at Budnicks as a sales associate. Lila's father has married the former Suzie Kakoshka. Rhonda now has a little sister named Rhia. And Helga is still unaware that she may be the earthly incarnation of Xothipacla, the Green Eyes' love goddess, but that's not important right now.

What is important is that during the events of that story, Rhonda learned that Nadine had had feelings for her, and realized that she returned them. The two have been a steady couple ever since.

But what does that mean for a certain rather unstable young boy who's had a crush on the young aristocrat ever since fourth grade? Let's find out!

Pairing the Spares

Chapter 1: We Have To Talk

Midtown Hillwood

-CURLY-

Love. It makes you crazy. Believe me when I say that.

I know this one girl? She used to pull all sorts of crazy stunts just to be near the one she loved. Of course, none of them actually worked. But, wouldn't you know it? She ended up with her sweetheart anyway. It's the kinda thing that gives you hope.

Now, me? I fell for this one really classy dame. Beautiful, too. Like, she could be a model beautiful. Tall girl, raven hair, classic features, amazing sense of style. Trouble is, she was outta my league and I knew it.

Now, I ain't a bad guy. Sure, maybe this one time I framed a kid for pulling the fire alarm and nearly got him expelled, which may have been a bit of an overreaction to him chewing up my pencil. And sure, there was that time I locked myself in the principal's office and bombarded everyone with dodgeballs. And there was that time I broke into a zoo and freed the animals, and that time I bit the head off a live chicken, and that time I dressed up as a human fly and climbed the outside of the school and pelted the fifth graders with eggs… but I ain't a bad guy.

I just… get kinda crazy around this broad. Sniffin' her hair, stealin' her used Q-Tips, talkin' like a 30's movie gangster… that kinda thing.

The thing is… I already lost her years ago.

I see them together all the time. In the school halls, at the park, the movies, restaurants. She's a really nice girl, real down-to-Earth, smart, prettier than most people give her credit for. I knew it was real when I saw them at the Hillwood Arboretum together, and this spider lands right on my girl's nose. Now, my girl has a crazy spider phobia. Can't be in the same room with one. And here's one touching her… and this girl she's with, she just squeezes her hand and whispers softly to her, and it's like all her fears melt away. And she just raises her hand to her nose, lets the spider walk on to it, and sets it down on a tree like it's nothing.

That's love, right there. Love is so strong it can make you at peace with your worst fear.

Now, seein' something like that shoulda been my cue to move on, give up, stop bein' a sap for the one girl. After all, what kinda girl could be so special that a fella pines after her long after she's lost?

Rhonda Wellington Lloyd. That's the kinda girl.

Now, it ain't like she's perfect, understand. She's kinda vain, gossipy, pushy, conceited…. But she cops to her shortcomings, and actively works on them. And she's got a lot going for her too… she's generous, clever, creative, helpful, determined, courageous, and a great dancer.

And that's just the surface stuff. If you knew what I knew about her, you'd know why could never give up on someone like her.

But she was taken. To get her attention, I would have to crank it up. Turn the crazy meter up to 9001.

Which brings us to where I am now. Standing atop a billboard, dressed in a tuxedo, top hat, cape, and Guy Fawkes mask, carrying a giant paintbrush and preparing to paint a huge mustache on the billboard for the upcoming Abdicator reboot.

It's entirely possible I ripped off this whole scheme from an old Daffy Duck cartoon.

"Curly…. Thad… this has to stop."

Ah… she had arrived.

I turned to behold her radiance. Now, when some girls are called "two-faced", that's meant to be a bad thing. A disparagement of their duplicitous, dishonest natures. Not my Rhonda. Rhonda literally has two faces. Not at the same time, of course. That would be weird. Probably kinda hot, but weird.

There was the face she showed most of the time, lovely enough on its own. Then there was the other face. The face she showed now. The mauve-skinned, pointy-eared, horned, fanged face of the alien hybrid she truly was.

She hung in front of me, upper arms crossed over her chest and lower hands on hips in disapproval, her large batlike wings flapping slowly to keep her aloft, her tail idly swishing behind her. Her perfect fashion model's body, a gift from her mother, was clad in a form-hugging red-and-navy costume with golden lightning trim. A mirrored silver-black visor concealed her three glowing amber eyes from view. I knew if I could see them, they would be focused on me in a gaze of displeasure.

"Curses!" I declared. "You have foiled my dastardly scheme again, Joule! Now I escape, to hatch an even dastardlier scheme! Bwah-hahahahaha!"

"Yeah, yeah… curses, foiled again, whatever. If you wanted to actually commit any crimes, you wouldn't keep sending me clues."

"You mean fiendishly clever riddles, don't you?"

She sighed, rubbing the bridge of that lovely button nose in irritation. "Your latest 'fiendishly clever riddle' was literally just a 3x5" index card with 'I'm painting a giant mustache on the Abdicator billboard at 10PM. Stop me if you dare.' Edward Nygma, you are not."

"Well, perhaps this was not up to my usual standards, but rest assured that the next-"

"Stop, just stop! Look, I know this is some kind of game to you, but it isn't for me! All the time I waste trying to keep you out of trouble is time I could be using to help people! People who actually need my help! One of these days, it's going to be between you and a real emergency, and that's something you're not going to win. You're going to bite off more than you can chew, and you're going to get yourself arrested, or worse, you'll get someone hurt. Or yourself. And I won't be there to stop it. Is that something you want?"

My cheeks burned. "So that's all I am to you, Rhonda? A waste of time?"

She groaned. "Curly, all I want here is to be your friend, okay? And part of that means that, when I see you engaging in this kind of self-destructive behavior, just to get my attention, it makes me worried for you." She slid her visor off. I could see her eyes now. They weren't disapproving, just concerned. "Curly… please… go back on your meds."

"I keep telling you, I don't need them!"

"…he says, while dressed like V for Vendetta atop a billboard. Look… just come down from there with me, okay? I'll take you home, then, tomorrow, we'll go somewhere, grab lunch, and we'll talk. We have to settle this whole thing once and for all."

I looked into her eyes. I could see this really was paining her. Maybe it was working. Maybe her concern would finally blossom into love.

"Okay… tomorrow, then."

The Next Day

"A Little Bit of Seoul" noodle shop, Downtown Hillwood

"This doesn't seem like your usual kind of place," I said to Rhonda. "A Little Bit of Seoul" was a tiny little hole-in-the-wall establishment squeezed between Zamboni's psychic shop and a wig store. It had only three tables, smelled pungently of garlic and ginger, and was decidedly un-glamorous.

She wore her everyday face and body now, less exotic though no less beautiful. She wore black capris and a sleeveless, scoop-necked candy-apple-red top with matching boots. Red and black have always been her colors. She was trying this new feathered shoulder-length hairdo and it really accented the shape of her face. It was hard not to stare.

Me…. I like to think I'm somewhat more presentable than I was in my bowl-cut, coke-bottle days. I started going to an actual barber, got some frames that flatter my features, started dressing better, and when acne reared its ugly head, got an expensive dermatologist to take care of it. I wasn't exactly going to turn her head looking like I was, after all.

"Park took me here while we were paired on that family tree project. I found out we shared a great-grandmother and wanted to know more about the Korean side of my heritage, and this was part of the whole tour." She took a sip of her bubble tea. "How's your ramyeon?"

"Pretty good."

Rhonda had ordered some kind of spicy seafood-and-noodle concoction, but it wasn't ready yet. "I take Nadine here all the time. The food's good, and the prices are pretty cheap. She really doesn't go in for fancy places, you know?"

Five minutes in and Rhonda was already waxing wistful about her girlfriend. This wasn't exactly how you started a conversation where you reveal that you've broken up with her and you've secretly always loved me and we should run off and get married, was it?

"So… you guys are still happy together, huh?"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it, Thad. A few weekends ago, we actually went camping! Can you even imagine? Me? Camping? Outdoors? With all the dirt? By choice? But… it turned out it was actually fun and we're actually planning on doing it again! And last week, she got me to play some video game called Underlook… I'm utterly hopeless at those things, had no idea what I was doing, of course, and I died a million times, but it was just nice because we were doing it together."

"So… you're not going to break up with her?"

"Of course not, why would I do-" She paused. "Thad, what do you think this is about?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, embarrassed. Poor dumb Thad. You actually thought that she was going to dump her girlfriend of three years for you. Poor dumb Thad. This is real life. In real life, the Princess doesn't kiss the toad.

Thad. It even sounds like toad.

"I… I don't know what I thought this was about," I admitted.

"Look… you're a good guy, all right? You're smart, funny, creative, you certainly don't shy away from letting everyone know who you are."

"But that's not enough to win you," I said.

She sighed. "Look… we've been over this. The problem here isn't that you're not good enough to 'win' me. The problem is you think you can."

"So you're saying I'm not good enough for you?" I asked, a bit resentfully.

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all! Look…. Remember that night back in seventh grade? The one where you asked me to the fall dance?"

Of course. That night. The night I begged for her heart… and, well… I learned she'd already given it away.

"How could I forget," I deadpanned bitterly.

"Look, it wasn't about hurting you," she said. "I just needed you to know that I wasn't an option. That you had to move on."

FLASHBACK

Mid-November, 7th Grade

-RHONDA-

I was feeling on top of the world. The Fall Dance was coming up, and for the first time, I would have a real date. Nadine and I had decided that, after nearly a year of keeping it on the downlow, we were going to throw caution to the wind and show the world we were a couple.

There was nervousness – whether we would be accepted was a crapshoot, even in as tolerant a community as Hillwood – but there was also a sense of anticipation that finally, we would be out in the open.

It was a lovely moonlit evening. Inga, our nanny (Helga had recommended her very highly) had put Rhia down for the night and she was finally at the age where she wasn't waking up every fifteen minutes. Which worked out very well for me. I preferred to sleep in my natural alien form, and with Rhia sleeping through the night, there was less chance of me absent-mindedly stumbling into her nursery to comfort her, only to have her traumatized because she doesn't associate Alien Rhonda with Big Sister Rhonda yet. Yes, that is something that has happened on more than one occasion.

It was late, and I was brushing out my hair for the night after my shower. At the time, I'd still been wearing my hair long after it had grown out during my metamorphosis, but brushing all that hair every night was getting to be a chore, and I'd made an appointment with the salon to get it cut before the dance. Luckily it didn't stay invulnerable when I was in my human form.

It was then that the commotion started. Something in the garden outside was screaming. I hastily shifted back to human – no sense in letting some intruder know that a super-heroine lived here – and ran to the window to look out.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to see, but it definitely wasn't Curly, dressed in a Mariachi outfit, trying to strum a guitar and serenade me while riding a very uncooperative billy goat (it had been the latter doing the screaming)

"Curly," I said, "Is there a reason you're trespassing in our garden and torturing that poor goat? Because you really should give it to me now before my dad calls the cops."

"Hold on," he said, strumming the guitar. "Just gotta find the right chord… ah!"

He began to sing.

"Sí, sabes que ya llevo un rato mirándote
Tengo que bailar contigo hoy
Vi que tu mirada ya estaba llamándome
Muéstrame el camino que yo voy

Tú, tú eres el imán y yo soy el metal
Me voy acercando y voy armando el plan
Solo con pensarlo se acelera el pulso

Ya, ya me está gustando más de lo normal
Todos mis sentidos van pidiendo más
Esto hay que tomarlo sin ningún apuro"

"Stop!" I demanded.

"Yes, my turtledove?"

"Okay, first, do you even know what those lyrics mean in English? It's not nearly as romantic as it sounds. Second, you're gonna wake Rhia. And third… I reiterate… why are you here and why are you dragging that poor animal into it?"

"Oh, my love…. First, I have heroically liberated this goat from a stockyard supplying Jamaican restaurants. Second… I have come to you this night to ask that you do me the honor of accompanying me to the Fall Dance this Saturday. And I knew that if I was to win your heart,"

"Hearts," she corrected.

"… I would have to do it in style." He resumed singing.

"Despacito
Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito
Deja que te diga cosas al oído
Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo…"

It was at this point the goat decided he'd had enough and threw him off, wandering away to gorge himself on Mom's prize rosebushes. I stifled a giggle; I give Curly this much; he does manage to make me laugh.

He scrambled back to his feet, attempting to recover his dignity. "So, whaddaya say, toots? Shall we make it a night to remember?"

He was just so earnest, it was going to be really hard to let him down, but it was necessary. I ad to let him know that I just wasn't in the cards for him.

"Curly… this has all been really sweet, in a kind of insane way, but… I already have a date for the dance. I've had one for a long time."

"What? Who is this foul knave? I'll give him what for!"

"It's not a him. I'm going with Nadine."

"Oh, my darling…. It's okay. You don't have to go stag with your best friend! I'm sure we can find her a date if we try-"

"She has a date! Me! I'm her date!"

"Rhonda, baby, what are you saying?"

"Let me spell it out for you… Nadine. Is. My. Girlfriend."

Oh, crap. That came out a lot harsher than I intended. Well… it had to be said. It's better to rip the band-aid off. Now he knows that he has to stop chasing me.

"How long."

"Since just after the Christmas party. She was there at my lowest, when I needed her most, and I realized that if there was anyone I've always loved, it was her. Most of the others already know about us, but I… I kinda didn't know how to tell you. When you don't get what you want, you tend to get a little…"

"…crazy?" He said. "Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet!"

Ugh…. I knew I should have told him sooner. There was no telling what he could do now. Okay…. What would Arnold do? He's been able to talk him down before. Maybe… if I handle this like he would, I can get him to calm down, maybe not do anything drastic… Right! I'll talk up the upside of the situation! Build up his confidence! Show him that being rejected by me isn't the end of the world!

"Look, this is an opportunity for you, okay? Now that I'm off the table, you can move on with your life. There's lots of fish in the sea. I'm pretty sure Jenny Paterson isn't seeing anybody. Or Nancy Yang. Oooh… how about Katrinka? Have you seen her since she got her braces off? Va-va-voom, am I right?

"Oh, no. I'm not giving up that easily. You said you're bisexual, right? That means I've still got a shot!"

"Curly, please… You can keep living in denial, or you can let go of me and find someone else. Someone who can make you as happy as Nadine makes me."

He seemed to mull this for a moment, and I hoped that just maybe I had managed to get through to him.

"I choose… DENIAL!" he declared. "Just you wait, my love… I shall prove I am worthy of your attention the only way I know how!" Cackling madly, he ran off, into the night.

I had unleashed a monster.

Saturday Night, Vikstein Middle School

The chauffeur let us out at the curb in front of the school. I stepped out first, in a red top, black skirt and matching pump, and some pearls I'd "borrowed" from mom. I extended a hand and helped Nadine out. She was absolutely stunning in a seafoam-green dress we'd found for her at the mall last weekend, her braids in a finely-crafted updo.

"Well, this is it," she said. "The moment of truth."

"It's going to be okay," I said. "Pretty much everyone who matters already knows about us and accepts us. I thought Harold was gonna be the tough one, but Patty managed to spell it out for him. Puppets were involved."

Nadine giggled. "You're joking about the puppets, right?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. What's life without a little mystery?"

I held her hand as we entered the school auditorium, both of us unaware we were holding our breaths waiting for everything to go south. We weren't looking to make a scene of ourselves, or make a statement… we just wanted to be together as a couple in public, like any other couple.

We were ready for any reaction… except no reaction at all.

"Nobody's even looking," whispered Nadine.

"That's good, though, right?" I whispered back. "That means they just see this as normal now."

"Hey, Princess! Insect Queen!" a familiar voice shouted. "Nice of you two to finally show up." Helga approached, on Arnold's arm, in an uncharacteristic pink gown and, of all things, a tiara.

"Hellcat," I shot back. "I guess you can clean up nicely when you want to."

"Watch it, Rondaloid. Ol' Betsy's on a hair trigger," Helga retorted, grinning. "Nah, but seriously, you guys look great."

"Thanks," I said. "I didn't think anyone noticed.

"It's Junior High. Everyone's all caught up in their own drama to notice you two guys being in lesbians with each other. But hey… if anyone does give you any crap, give me a call. I'll give them an attitude adjustment the hard way."

"Helga…" chided Arnold.

"With words, Arnold, with words!" clarified Helga. "With fists…" she whispered to us.

An upbeat Dino Spumoni number started up. "Well, Nadine… shall we?"

"Let's school these fools," she answered as we glided onto the dance-floor.

Suddenly, the music stopped as quickly as it had started. A distorted voice came over the loudspeaker.

"STUDENTS AND FACULTY OF VIKSTEIN MIDDLE SCHOOL!" it declared. "I AM LORD HEARTBREAK, AND I SPEAK FOR ALL THOSE WO HAVE HAD THEIR DREAMS SHATTERED! JUST AS THE FLAMES OF MY PASSION HAVE BEEN SNUFFED OUT BY THE REJECTION OF A COLD HEART…. ALL OF YOU KNOW SHALL FEEL JUST AS I DID!"

"What on Earth is going on h-" Principal Lundqvist began, but he was suddenly cut off as all the auditorium's vents burst open, filling the room with flame-retardant foam.

"Curly…" I muttered, wiping the foam out of my eyes.

-CURLY-

"…so, what happened to the goat?" I asked, trying to lighten the heavy mood.

"Well, after I convinced Mom not to murder it, we had it donated to the Tina Park petting zoo. But that's getting away from the point. The point is, that's where this whole thing started. First, there was that stunt you pulled at the dance."

"I didn't hurt anyone!"

"Maybe not, but rigging all the vents to spray fire-extinguisher foam could have gone a lot worse. You only avoided getting expelled because you agreed to go to therapy and they put you on meds. And you were okay… for a while. You even started seeing Katrinka, until she moved. And then… I don't know what it was that set you off, whether it was her leaving or something else, but you suddenly stopped taking your medication again, and started pulling more, crazier stunts in some kind of effort to, what, Catwoman me? Did you really think that would work?"

"I… I don't know," I admitted. "I… I guess I thought that maybe… I could eventually 'reform' and we could be partners, and y'know, win your love…"

"See… that's the problem. You think you can win my love. That, somehow, you can do something that'll obligate me to love you. I'm telling you now; that's not how any of this works. Love isn't a prize. It's a gift. And it's my choice who I give that gift to."

I… couldn't respond to that. My tongue felt like it had swollen up, but it wasn't a reaction to the soy, it was a reaction to her final, definitive rejection of my efforts.

"Look," she said. "I'm not saying all this to be mean, okay? I'm just… look, you're a nice guy, most of the time… and I care about you, as a friend…" The word 'friend' felt like an icy dagger in my heart.

"It's fine," I said. "I get your message loud and clear."

"Good," she said, relaxing. "I'm really glad we could get this out of the way. Now maybe you can start-"

"And don't worry, I've got lunch," I said, leaving a twenty on the table.

"You really don't-"

"It's the least I could do for a 'friend'" I said, exiting the shop.

Oh, I'd gotten the message, all right.

The message was, I wasn't trying hard enough.

She would see, soon enough. I was going to pull a stunt that would make all the others pale in comparison.

I just had to think of it.

A.N.: This was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but it kept expanding, so I'm breaking it up into two or three parts. Probably two.

"Despacito" is by Luis Fonsi. I was originally just going to have Curly serenade Rhonda with some random song and this was one of the choices, and then I read what the lyrics actually meant and realized it had to be this one.

I know Rhonda/Curly is the preferred ship, and this story kinda puts a bullet in the back of the head of that ship and dumps the body out at sea, but I kinda wanted to deconstruct the notion, common in fanfics, that Curly somehow deserves Rhonda's love and Rhonda is somehow a bad person for not being interested in him. That is not how it should work. Nobody deserves the love of the person they are attracted to. It's the person's choice whether to love them back, and the notion that they're somehow wrong if they don't is a very problematic attitude. Don't worry, though… Curly will get a happy ending in this story… he just has to learn a lesson first.

And no, you're not wrong in shipping Rhoncurl or Gammelloyd or whatever the preferred ship name is, just… give my words here some thought.

Next: "An Even Dastardlier Scheme!"