Hey guys! Got the idea for this story the other day and had to write it, but I have to give ya a content warning because
TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains depressive symptoms and suicide in detail. If you struggle with depression, I do not recommend this story. Please do not put yourself at risk.
But seriously guys, I don't want to make you think this is just one of those depressive stories that are often written about 11River and 12River, but I do need to let you know that suicide is talked about in great detail. If you aren't sure if you can handle it, don't push yourself.
Anyway, on with the story!
Resurrected
"Sweetie, look."
River was curled up against his side as they listened to the towers again. The sun was rising now. It's perimeter was mostly visible.
He kissed the crown of her head and closed his eyes.
"I'm glad there isn't a specific time," she said. "For when the night becomes the day. If there were, I would have likely left a long time ago."
"Maybe it would be when the sun reaches it's highest point," he offered. He wanted more time with his wife.
She chuckled and let her cheek rest over his chest. "I wish that were true, but I have a feeling I can't bend these rules."
He nodded despite her eyes being fixated on the monuments. "You're right, as always. I just wish…"
"We got so much time," she said, her voice soft. She sounded sleepy. They hadn't done much of that in the past few weeks: sleeping. They knew her time was wearing thin. "We've had so much more time than i thought…"
"But not enough."
"Mmm…" Her agreement was muffled by his shirt.
No time would be enough.
.
River Song: curly blonde locks that taunted him as she bounded from place to place, folds in the corners of her eyes that always seemed to create their own mini smiles when she was happy, eyes that shone with joy and ferocity.
And dead.
The Doctor was hunched over himself. The TARDIS console room seemed so bare. He wore his normal suit, but he felt naked.
She had stuck with him for twenty four years, and now she was gone forever. He thought he'd never see her again after their meeting at Trenzalor, and he was so sad, but that was nothing compared to this.
Twenty four years of waking up beside River in the morning, seeing her groggy eyes search for comfort after harsh dreams, feeling each other's warmth until they got too desperate for breakfast to wait any longer, eating each other's favorite foods, and spending the day together only to crawl into bed at the end of the night and know it would play out similarly tomorrow.
Except tomorrow would be another night. More night. Always night.
And when they did see the sun for the first time, when they saw the edge of that demon poke out from behind the horizon… There had been eighteen years of pure happiness without attention to the date. Now, they had a ticking clock shining judgement at them wherever they went.
And every ticking clock goes off at some point.
River had to go.
To die.
The Doctor curled himself into a ball at the base of the console. His hair was mussed, and his clothes were wrinkled. He smelled of tears and perfume and was badly in need of a shower. It had been almost a week since she left, and he'd barely moved.
The TARDIS tried to comfort him, but there was nothing she could do. She was saddened herself, after all.
"Why couldn't I save her?" he kept demanding his past self to answer. Of course, he already knew. Yet he kept hoping the answer would be different.
Happily ever after….
They always live happily ever after.
What does that even mean? Because they thought they knew. They thought they were living it. But no. Because they'd forgotten the most important part of happily ever after.
Happily ever after is the end.
And their end hadn't yet come.
Their end was not a happy one.
.
It had been weeks. The Doctor had brought himself to bath and eat, which he supposed should have been considered progress. Somehow, still, he felt worse than he had before.
He kept thinking back to The Library. He wanted to know if she was well.
But could he stand it? She'd be a face… Like all the other's where.
Donna… Donna Noble….
She'd become a face for CAL to use too. And he hadn't been able to take seeing her like that. He was scared.
"And River? My wife?" he asked himself. "How could I handle that?"
The TARDIS hummed a lullaby. He stroked her console.
"I know you want me to be happy, but I don't think I can without her. Not anymore. I have to find a way to save her."
.
He only had one shot at this.
If he messed this up, River would die forever.
Her fate rested in his hands, and he wasn't about to mess it up again.
The Doctor had everything ready on an external hard drive. It was like a memory card in size, but there was something different about this one.
When inserted, it would automatically go through the preset commands. Meaning he only had to do two things…
Press a button to start the process
and heal her.
Quickly.
His hands shook. He was certain that he had a full set of regenerations, wasn't he? Could their be any mistake? Any way that River could die because of him?
No. No, he was certain.
.
Cal cuddled with her new mother. River wasn't exactly a new friend anymore; in fact it had been a very long time. But compared to all the time Cal had spent without having anyone to look up to, every day felt like a century.
"What are you thinking about, my dear?" River asked, a small smile on her face.
"You," Cal said.
River's smile widened. She knew the script. This conversation happened often.
"I know," she said. "I know you love me. I love you too. Like my own daughter."
"Am I your daughter?" Cal asked.
"Of course," River responded.
The two didn't often sit idle. They were often exploring magical realms within storybooks that lined the shelves of Cal's library. Sometimes they would read the books; sometimes they would live the stories.
But today, Cal had been quite odd. She seemed nervous. It worried River, and they decided they would stay in for the day.
"What's wrong, my dear?" River asked the girl.
"There's someone in the library," she said back. It was normal for people to be in the library now, but Cal was concerned with one particular man.
"Who is it?" River asked. She was quiet and calm. Cal felt safe when River was around. Before River came, Cal rarely felt safe.
Cal did not feel safe today. Instead, she cried.
"Cal?" River said. "Charlotte?"
"It's The Doctor!" she said. "The one you remember! Not the one I saw, but the one in your head!"
River's face fell. She knew what this meant.
"That sentimental idiot…" she murmured. There was part of her which was happy that she would be able to get out and see the stars again, but she couldn't leave Cal now. Cal was her daughter. And Cal needed her.
And as much as River didn't want to admit it, she thought she might need Cal too.
"I don't want you to go, River!" she cried. Her tears stained River's shirt, but River wasn't worried about how she looked anymore.
She wrapped her arms around Charlotte and pulled the little one close. Her forehead rested beneath River's chin, her sobs shaking them both as if they were one person. As if they truly were related.
"It'll be okay," River said. "I won't leave you."
"But why would you come back?" Cal said.
"Charlotte, I have been telling the truth you know. You are my daughter now. I love you."
Cal pulled away and wiped furiously at her eyes. They were red now. River thought hard with a new skill she'd gained in the past decade and was able to clear Cal's face of tear stains.
"There now. Isn't that better."
"River, you're disappearing…" she said, her voice sad.
River looked down at herself. Her form was becoming translucent, fading away. She looked up to Cal again.
"I love you," she said. "I'll find a way to take you with me."
"But River-"
But River couldn't hear her anymore. River was gone.
.
The particles began to clump into visible pieces slowly, and The Doctor rushed toward them, readying himself for what he had to do.
His hands began to glow; he didn't have to look down to know it. They felt as though they were filled with warm static electricity.
A humanoid form began to appear before him, and he held his hands at the ready.
As soon as he could distinguish her beautiful face, he lurched forward.
But he wasn't fast enough. She crumpled to the floor, and he fell to his knees beside her. He put his hands over her cheekbones. They were sullen and grey. It made him want to cry seeing her like this, but he had work to do.
He focused on her. He focused on his energy flowing into her. It was similar to meditation, but so much more powerful and so much more exhausting.
Her placid face did not even twitch as an entire life of his was forced into her. Her body glowed, but nothing visibly changed.
When the energy began to fade, he quickly pulled her into a semi-upright position to take a look at the sides of her head, where the electricity would have entered her body.
He didn't look before; he felt too guilty. But he knew that there would have been third degree burns. And now they have been sitting, dead, for too long.
The burns were gone, but the scars remained.
He felt his stomach drop as he realized his mistake. He came too late. She couldn't be fully healed anymore.
River song would stay dead.
He placed her gently onto his lap and stroked her pallid cheek. There was nothing else he could do.
"River…" he said desperately.
"River…"
"River…"
"River…"
and of all the things The Doctor never expected, this had to be the highest on his list. As much as he hoped, he never would have thought…
River Song took in a breath.
Shock immediately took over his features and he laughed. He had never been religious, but you can bet he thanked any god or deity or higher power there was, because River was alive.
She woke slowly, and they met eyes for a brief moment
before River winced.
"Doctor," she groaned.
His stumbling fingers searched for something wrong as she curled in on herself. "River! River, what's wrong?!"
A whimper was her only response.
His hearts beat so fast, he could barely breath. He thought he'd done it. What could it be?"
Her whimpers became cries, nearly screams of agony. She was doubled over in his lap, her eyes tightly shut, her hands held in fists to her head and her elbows pressing into her ribs.
"River, tell me what hurts!" he yelled.
"My head!" she said. "My heart! Everything! Why did-" she yelped as another bout of pain hit her. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "Why, Doctor! I was happy!"
"I- I don't know- I wanted-"
"Fix it!"
"I can't!" he said desperately. He'd healed her as much as he could. He didn't understand.
Unless it was the scar tissue.
He put his hands on the sides of her head, where the scars were, and he let himself in. He had to feel what was happening.
.
Cal watched from their home. She watched with closed eyes. She couldn't bring herself to look away, but she felt tears building up, blocking her view.
River was in so much pain. It made Cal more sad than she had been in a very long time.
The Doctor put his hands on her head. River had told Cal of times he read minds like this, but she didn't understand why he would do so now.
Any doubts about what he was doing were pushed aside when he cried out in agony and pulled his hands back like they had been burnt.
Whatever River was feeling was worse than anything The Doctor knew how to handle.
.
She was calmer now. He had given her pain medication from the TARDIS, hoping he could fix whatever had happened wrong. There was still hope.
Tears still ran silently down her face, but exhaustion had taken a stronger hold. River was nearly asleep on The Doctor's lap. He stroked her hair, attempting to sooth the pain that couldn't be reached with even the strongest medication.
"River, I don't know how to help you," he admitted. "I thought I could heal you completely. I didn't realize this would happen."
"It's okay…" she mumbled. "You didn't know."
Her voice sounded strained. She was hiding some pain from him.
He felt his heart stutter in his chest. He thought they had gotten beyond that. In their time on Darillium, she'd opened up so much…
"I'm so sorry, Melody," he said.
She didn't answer for a moment. He wasn't sure if she'd fallen asleep. Maybe she just didn't know what to say.
Then she said, "I don't want this."
He froze, his hand hovered over her hair. "What do you mean?"
She forced herself to sit up. He could tell it hurt her and attempted to help, but she pulled her arm away. Her eyes were ringed with bruising of a day spent in pain. Her skin was still sickly pale.
"I don't want this pain," she said.
"We'll fix it!" he said quickly. "I can find help. Someone can help. Someone has to be able to help!"
"But you don't un-"
"Maybe the 52nd century. They're quite good at this sort of thing. In fact, their amazing! I'm sure they could cure it!"
"Doctor-"
"Just because regeneration energy didn't do it, doesn't mean nothing will. There's more we can try!"
"DoctorI!" she said sternly and then winced at her own loudness. She lowered her voice again. "Doctor, you know this won't be it."
He looked down at his lap where her tears still dried.
"You know that even if we fix this, there will be more. There will always be more pain. And I don't think I can do it."
"You can't give up," he whispered.
"But I'm not. I'm not giving up. I found somewhere where I can be happy. Weren't you listening?"
He remembered her screaming at him earlier. I was happy!
I was happy!
"In there?" It was a shock to him, it shouldn't have been, that someone could be happy without his presence.
"Doctor, I love you, and I miss you… but you have to understand. Charlotte and I have become quite close. And we are happy together. Please, if you'd like, come and visit. We can find a way, maybe, for me to visit you through the TARDIS. I'm sure she'd be okay with it. I just…"
She leaned against him, clearly still pained and very very tired.
"You're done traveling…" he said.
"Everyone has to settle down one day," she said. "Before the adventure kills you."
"Maybe I'd rather die on an adventure than just sitting on my futon."
"Maybe that's true of some, but I saw you on Darillium. You don't want adventure. You don't want excitement. You want an ideal world, and you just can't find it. Well, I have."
She shifted closer to him, causing a hitch in breath when she felt the pain of movement. He put his arms around her and hugged her. Gently, he let his cheek rest against hers.
"If you're happy here, you can stay."
She smiled at him. The smile was laced with the underlying pain, but at least it was a smile. It was something for him to remember.
"Thank you," she said.
"But River… I don't know if I'll be able to visit. I don't know if I can bring myself to come back again."
She brought a shaky hand up to his forehead and pushed hair from his eyes. "I would miss you."
"I will miss you either way."
She kissed him. A soft kiss that was so rare between them. They always kissed with passion or with terror or with vigor. Today, they kissed like a married couple. They kissed like they would see each other at five o'clock.
"Now please," River said, when they had pulled away. "I'd like to go home."
"But River… do you realize what that entails?"
She nodded. "I won't make you help me. You don't have to stay."
He took her hand and held it tightly. "Of course I do. You're my wife."
River smiled at him. "Which way would be best?"
He felt his heart break, but he kept his tears at bay. "The TARDIS says-"
"I want to know what you think. I don't want you to be in pain."
He opened his mouth and closed it again, looking around, desperate to save time, before finally saying. "I agree with her. The TARDIS says that this is painless."
He held out the bottle of pain medication.
River didn't look scared. She took the bottle from him and sat up slowly. She wrapped her left hand around the bottle and attempted to twist the top off with the right.
Her eyebrows turned inward, and she tilted the bottle for a better angle. She tried again. And then again.
When she looked up at him with wide eyes, he realized what he'd done to her.
"You can't open it," he said.
She handed it to him without lowering her eyes. Her hand shook and he took it in his own to keep it steady.
He opened the bottle for her and poured a handful of the little pills onto his palm.
"Are you sure?" he said.
She nodded.
"I can't undo this," he said.
"I know."
"What if it doesn't work?"
"Than you know that I found happiness, and I died trying to get there."
The words were matter-of-fact. He felt that they shouldn't be. He felt like it shouldn't be so simple for her to let her physical body go like this.
He supposed he'd never understand how she'd found happiness.
"River…" he said.
She took the pills from him.
"River, please…" A droplet landed on his hand as he extended it to her. He only realized now then that he was crying.
River looked away from him a moment and said to Cal, "Dear, you mustn't keep watching this. I know you're interested, but I want you to open your eyes now."
"Melody," he said, "I don't know if-"
She looked at him. "It's okay. I want this."
"What if I don't?"
"You'll find someone else," she said with confidence. "You always do."
She pressed her hand to her mouth. He didn't see behind her hand, but he knew what was happening. He knew what would happen because of it.
He cried.
She smiled.
River sat with her legs crossed, and he sat across from her, their knees touching. They held hands. They looked at each other. They couldn't bring themselves to speak.
Slowly, he noticed her eyes losing their focus… Her smile faded to a slack-jawed expression. She lowered her head, clearly tired.
He pulled her into his arms, and she leaned heavily on him.
He watched as her eyelids fluttered, unable to stay open any longer.
And River held his hand. Her hand was loose and nearly limp, but she held on.
Her breathing became shallow, and her eyes stayed shut for longer amounts of time. The pink flush from the crying was running from her skin.
"River?" he said, desperate for every last moment with her.
She opened her mouth, managed to take a long breath, and said
"goodbye, sweetie…"
He held her hand tightly. He sat with her, and he held her until he felt her pulse fade…
Ba-da-da-dum
ba da da dum
ba da da dum
ba…
da…
da…
.
"The end."
Cal was asleep now against River's side. River closed their prized copy of "Charlotte's Web" and placed it on the coffee table. She'd have to carry Cal to bed.
She supposed she could use the computer. She could teleport Cal to her bed, or even teleport them to the next day. But this was better. They liked living every moment, just like they would in the real world.
River struggled a bit getting Cal up in her arms, but once the position had been figured out, it was simple to get her upstairs. River had done this many times.
"Mum?" Charlotte murmured, barely awake.
River smiled at her. "Shh… bedtime, darling."
"I love you, mum."