Mine's Bigger Than Yours
Disclaimer: Square Enix owns
Rating: I'm going to rate this mature, just because of the implications.
Warnings: None other than mild Cloud bashing.
A/N: Complete and utter crack. I didn't have a beta, and it was written within half an hour. Don't hate me. XD
*&%*
The life of a hero can be pretty boring at times, and when you're a SOLDIER first class and don't have the planet to save, you have to find ways to amuse yourself. And that's why Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angeal, along with second class SOLDIER Zack Fair, and Director Lazard all stood in a circle in Lazard's office. They were comparing their massive tools.
"Yours isn't the biggest one here, Sephiroth." Genesis snarkly informed the general.
"True," Sephiroth smirked, "however, it is the longest and by far the most impressive." He felt no need to whip it out as proof. Everyone here had already seen his in action.
Genesis snorted.
"What's wrong Gen," Zack was laughing, "jealous? We all know you've been on the receiving end of Seph's long, hard pole several times. We've all heard you scream. 'Please pull it out Seph," Zack mocked, using his best Genesis voice, "'you're in too deep. It hurts.'"
Genesis rolled his eyes, "you try being impaled on that thing and tell me if you don't scream. Or can walk right the next day."
"No, thank you." Zack shook his head. "I have to deal with Angeal's. His is really fat and heavy. I love it."
The dark haired SOLDIER beamed with pride, "Zack, because mine is so big, I have to be extra careful with you so I don't hurt you. But don't worry, when you make it to first, yours will be as big as mine."
"Is that because of the Mako?" Zack asked, excitement showing on his features. He couldn't wait for his to be as big as Angeal's, though he wasn't sure if he could stop playing with it if it got to be that large.
"Yes, Zack," Sephiroth replied in Angeal's place, "Mako enhances a lot of things, including your muscles."
"Well," Genesis interrupted, "Mine may not be a long as Sephiroth's, or as wide as Angeal's, but mine has a certain...finesse. It's long enough and wide enough to get the job done. And..." he looked pointedly at Sephiroth, "it doesn't curve. Mine's perfectly straight."
Sephiroth waved a dismissive hand toward the redhead, "I will show you later the advantages to mine having a curve. That is, if you are up for it."
"Anytime, Seph," Genesis purred.
"Goddess, they make it sound so dirty," Zack whispered to Angeal.
"They do, but you should see them go out it, they are absolutely beautiful." Angeal smiled fondly.
"They let you watch? Man, I can't wait to be a first."
"What about yours, Director?" Genesis asked the blond who had been silent this whole time.
"I have to say, mine is small, but that doesn't bother me, not when I have you guys on call day and night."
"I've never seen yours, Director," Sephiroth admitted.
"That's because you've never looked, Sephiroth. Ask me to show it to you sometime."
Cadet Strife had been standing in the doorway, listening to the conversation. He wanted to be part of it. Thinking that if he showed the SOLDIER's his, they wouldn't mind talking to him, He approached the circle.
"Hi guys," Cloud said, standing between Genesis and Zack, "I heard you talking." He swallowed down his nervousness. "Would you like to see mine?" He prayed this would be an icebreaker.
Angeal shrugged, Zack smiled, Sephiroth remained impassive, Genesis raised an eyebrow, and Lazard yawned.
"Sure Spiky, let's see it." Zack ruffled his friend's hair.
Cloud nodded, unzipped his pants, and pulled out his member.
Shock registered around the room, even Sephiroth, who's face was usually neutral, looked surprised. 'The kid did not just do that', the general thought. 'He must be one of the mentally challenged ones.'
Zack grabbed Cloud's arm and pulled him away from the circle and toward the door. "Uhh...Cloud buddy, you realize we were talking about swords...right?"