It's been months since Sasori died in a car crash.
For the longest time after we were told, Deidara locked himself in his apartment.
He wouldn't come out for anything, and he missed days of work. I was the one our friends asked to help him. After all, I, the emotionless Itachi, should know how to care for him. After I picked the lock on his door I'd helped him clean up and filed papers to his employer for a vacation.
Days later he asked to move in with me.
I never thought of it as romantic arrangements. I knew he was gay, he had been involved with Sasori. We all knew that. But he'd never made a move toward me, and none of the others ever teased us about it. They understood and accepted it.
I never complained about anything. Everyone knew I was losing money on it, and after Deidara was fired I had to struggle to pay my bills. Kisame had offered to help, but I refused. Deidara was my best friend. I would help him, and I would do it on my own. As far as I can see I have done so to the best of my ability.
It had been almost a year since Sasori died. Deidara had long since taken another job, with decent pay that he used to try to support himself as much as he could. He never brought up the notion of moving out so neither did I. He never brought up Sasori, and I tried not to. I had been in his room once, and saw that he had a picture of him and Sasori on his bedside. There were tear stains on it that made my heart ache for him.
That night, as I watch the rain fall outside, I wonder about him. It is almost midnight, and the thunder and rain pound in synchronized drum beats and screams. When it rains that hard I leave my window open so I can't hear my own thoughts. It's easier that way, but that tonight it doesn't seem to work.
I know that if I sit up and look down at the lawn I will see Deidara, motionless in the rain, arms out. He does this whenever it rains. The first time he went out at night, I tried to stop him, but eventually I realized I couldn't do anything. He lets himself in after the rain stops, I know now. When it thunders he lets me frisk him down for anything metal before he goes, but without a major argument this is all I can do.
Somehow I can't help myself but to look at him. I push myself up and peer out the window. He is yelling his pain to the winds, his clothes soaked and his back turned to me and the house. The image weakens my arms and I drop back onto the bed. I hold my hands to my ears and thank the world for whatever mercy makes the rain fall harder.
It has been a full year since Sasori died. Deidara has gotten better, brighter, similar to the old Deidara we knew. He isn't the same as before, but no one blames him. No one at all blames him.
He is similar, and I have to put extra emphasis on that. Deidara still goes out when it rains. He doesn't go in the daytime anymore, though. He said he wants people to know he's getting better. And yet when the rain calls to him at night, he listens.
It is one in the morning. The rain is light outside my window, and tonight I have kept it closed. If I don't, the breeze will bang the blinds against the window and I will never sleep. Since a while ago I have not been able to sleep unless it rains.
My eyes hurt. I'm tired, but I don't feel that it's right to sleep when Deidara can't. Once again I push myself up to see him out the window.
I blink. Once. Twice. He's not out there. At first I think he's in bed, but then I decide I should check. I grumble to myself and pull the covers off, then slip downstairs.
Deidara is up against the door frame. His head is resting against the edge of it and a blanket is wrapped tight around him. I stand behind him for a moment. I know he knows I'm there. After a minute he sighs and motions me over.
"It's been a while," he says. I nod, not wanting to say anything that might upset him. I'm lucky, because he keeps talking. I have never been good at talking to people. "I really miss Sasori," he says softly. "Thanks so much for helping me, Itachi. You're a great person."
At this point he shuffles his feet around. "There's just something I feel that's keeping me back. I want to move on with my life. Sasori was my whole life and I just, I feel..."
He grabs my hand. His lips meet mine for a second. "I miss him," he mumbles. "You're so kind to me." He never lets go of my hand, no, on the contrary, he pulls me out the door with him. There is a swing we keep out there, and it's wet from the rain but he pulls me down on it with him.
"Stay with me. Sasori would have." I know that his last sentence isn't meant to guilt me into staying, it is simply him remembering Sasori. I do as he says and lay down opposite him. There is silence. The rain falls in between our sentences.
"Are you crying?" I ask quietly. The question seems to startle Deidara, but he recovers quickly. "I haven't cried for a long time," he says. "Not since I moved in." He motions to the open air. "The only one crying right now is the sky."
I don't have anything to say to that. I stare up at the moon, and realize that the rain has stopped falling a long time ago. My eyes start to droop. The last words I hear him say are in a hushed whisper. Looking back now, I wonder if he had it planned all along or if he just decided it on a whim. Looking back I wonder if I could have stopped him.
"Thank you, Itachi. I'm sorry."
When I wake up it is still cold and dark.
I numbly realize that I am not late for work. My senses tell me that at first, but I know I am not late for work. I am not late because it is still dark outside. I am not late for work because it is Saturday. Deidara should still be here, because it is Saturday. He fell asleep by me, he should...
There is a knocked over bottle of wine on the ground. I cannot stop the tears from falling when I realize what had happened. The people who found Sasori also found wine in his car. I stumble, half asleep and drunk with half-lidded panic, into the house.
There is nothing else to do about it. His car is gone. I grab the phone and call the police. I mumble into the phone ten words at the most, likely along the lines of "Deidara," "suicide," "Sasori," and the place where Sasori crashed.
Even there at that moment I am sure of what happened. After I get the message to the lady I vomit into a trash can and pass out, sobbing, on the swing outside.
At his funeral I bring the picture Deidara had in his room and place it by him. I don't cry until I get home.
Days later I ask to move in with Kisame. He agrees.
I don't kill myself like they did, but my friends do watch me to make sure. I have nightmares afterwards, for a long, long, time.
But right now, the rain outside is calling to me through the midnight gloom.
I put my hands over my ears and try not to hear him crying.