It wasn't him.
I pounced forward, watching as his thumb flew from under his stable lip and his shoulders shivered in surprise. He whipped his head around with a smile on his face, as if he forgot he was supposed to be frightened. As if he forgot I was a murderer.
"How'd you find me?" Tristan asked as he twisted on the couch, and I smiled back from the other side.
"Circling back to the starting point," I motioned with my head to the hallway behind him, "oldest trick in the book." Winston's book. Tristan was quick to stand up, dusting off his jeans.
"And I wanted to make sure you were ok after everything we talked about out there." Feeling guilty, I lied. His smile faded before coming back even stronger.
"Do you have the lighter?" He asked me.
"Idon'tknow." I muttered, staring up into his eyes. If there was one thing I knew how to do, it was to flirt. But why was I flirting with him? To keep up my status of flirting with everyone except for the person I wanted to flirt with most? He reached forward, but I couldn't move away. He tugged at my jacket and I felt his cold hands on my tank top.
"You feeling me up?" I asked him, and he didn't stop. "You know, Chewy did have this crazy idea that you want me." Tristan still didn't stop, just affirmed that it was indeed a crazy idea and reached even further, his hand landing on my lower back, just above my pants pocket before he pulled back.
"The lighter." I stood on the couch before climbing over the other side. Tristan pointed his finger at me, warning me that if I came any closer he'd kiss me. But it wasn't as deadly of a threat as it would've been if spewed from the right mouth. I didn't advance any further, but the rain outside- the storm. I couldn't think straight. Yeah, that's it. I couldn't think straight. And I told him to. I told him to kiss me. I told him to be the first guy I ever kissed even though I knew it wouldn't change a thing. And he did, but it wasn't any different than kissing Zoe. It wasn't any different than kissing Maya. It was nice. It felt good to be held by someone, to be accepted by someone who wasn't only in it for the political gain. Was that what this was? My way of creating the best political scandal to ever hit the Hollingsworth home? Oldest Hollingsworth Child Turned Gay.
No. It couldn't be. Because when he broke the kiss and looked at me for any sign of approval, I leaned in, pushing him against the wall before touching lips to his again. There was a thunder strike and I felt sick. If it had been the kiss I had been waiting for, the other's knee would've buckled. Something that Frankie could pass off as being a side effect of a kiss, but someone that truly knew him, like me, would've known was from his childish fear of the storm. I didn't see the flashlight on me, but I heard as it dropped dumbly to the floor. I had to laugh at myself. At my stupidity. Caught between someone who fell for me, and someone I had fallen for a long time ago.
"Ummm..." Tristan eyes were wide at the realization of what just happened. "I'll let you two catch up." Did I like him? He made me smile. Even now, even when I knew I fucked everything up again. He left quickly and without a moment to catch my breath you were in front of me.
"So what? You're gay now?" You asked me but I was at a disadvantage. It was too dark to see what emotion was held in your eyes, framed by the lens of your glasses. "Bi?" You try when I refused to give an answer.
"It felt right." I stated simply. "And kinda fun." I admitted.
"Is he gonna think it's fun when it never happens again? You're a mess dude. Figure out what you want before you hurt someone else you care about." My heart started beating faster regardless of the fact I knew that what I wanted was not the direction you were going in at all. What did I expect? For you to tell me that it would never happen again because you want me and knows I want you and that you're a better guy for me than Tristan could ever be... to tell me that the reason you told the truth in court despite my wishes was because it was the most passable way for you to get Maya to break up with me so you could have me to yourself just like old times... to tell me that the only reason you're dating Frankie is because you thought it was the closest thing you could ever get to me. That you knew the reason I was so against you dating her was because I couldn't stand to see the two of you together- that I had always wanted it to be me and that it wasn't fair. That you were my friend first, my best friend first, and that I deserved to be your lover first. Your lover last. Your only lover. Because I did. I loved you. And because of that I hate myself. I live life like a game and people get hurt. I don't want to do it anymore. But I can't stop. Not without you. And I know that what I do makes us drift apart, but I see no other option. And it kills me. And you walking away from me as I try to work out my thoughts kills me even more. Into a state where I can't survive. Into a state where I couldn't heal. But I was used to hiding it. Used to hiding what my mom and dad did to me all the time. Used to hiding the effects people had on me, cause I was expected to.
"Winston." I call to you. You turn around with a look of disgust on your face and I no longer had anything to say. I held up the lighter and said two words that fit our relationship best.
"You're dead."