I've always been stuck. In a box. A silent box. I can only hear myself. I see what I need to hear. I taste what i need to hear. I feel what I need to hear. But its not the same. Not the same at all.
My name is A.J. Goldsworthy. No, I'm a girl. I guess. I don't have the traits of a girl. I dont talk so much my throat hurts. In fact, I barely seem to talk at all. I don't like dresses, or any type of heels. Don't worry, I DO dress like a female. I like jeans, and a t-shirt. Any thing that covers my body properly.
Let me tell you a little more about myself... I am 14 years old. I have curly dark hair down to my butt. I have green eyes. So does my brother. I look like a black cat. In some ways, I am cat. I am quick stepped, when i cross your path I'm guarantee you bad luck, and I hate water. I used to love it, but after the accident, I have kind of learned to stay away from it.
I am legally deaf. I can hear, but need hearing aids. Everyone sounds like they either are talking mesh, or whispering. I usually communicate using sign language. I don't mind it. But its a hassle for my family. They all have to learn it too. They never admitted it, But I always was a hassle.
At 12, I was a depressed deaf child. At 13, I tried to kill myself thrice. I failed. But it did get me sent away to "deaf school." It was a boarding school in queens for the "disabled". I've been even MORE depressed. 8 weeks ago, I got a letter from my mom. She said that the whole family was moving to Ontario, Canada. We originally lived in Quebec. Then she broke the great news. I was moving with them. I was getting out of this hell hole they called a school. She said I would be going to this school called Degrassi, with Eli, my brother, who had a Already been going there for 3 months. I couldn't wait to see my best friend, who is my brother, again.
I walked in with my bags, looking at the all new house. Morty was out front, god, I remember when he got that contraption he calls a car. Right after Julia, my best friend, and Eli's girlfriend, died in a car accident. My mom came from the kitchen, a dishtowel thrown over her shoulder. She looked up, and a grin from ear to ear spread across her wrinkled face. "I'm home!" I tried to say. I threw my bags down and leaped into my moms arms. I really was home.
"Dads not home from work yet, and Eli's in school. But, but, I'm so happy your home!" Mom said and signed. "Come, lets go unpack your stuff." We each grabbed two bags and I followed my mother upstairs. She showed my empty room. It was violet and baby blue my favorite colors. The room still smelt like paint. "I love it!" I signed. "Get yourself settled while I run out to my book club meeting. Eli should come home in about an hour. Remember, It's a surprise." She signed. I quickly nodded and she walked out the door. I started unpacking, getting more and more excited about my new year. It will be better. I feel it.
Later that day, felt the vibration of the door close. I got up slowly and came downstairs. Eli was sitting on the kitchen counter biting into an apple. I ran in smiling. He jumped off and dropped the apple, so he could squish me in his arms. "Your home!" He yelled so loud, I hear him almost perfectly. "I know!" I laughed. "Are you going to Degrassi?" He signed. "Of course!" I signed. He smiled, his signature half smile, the same exact one I have. "You'll love it." "I know I will."
The next day Eli made me sit in the back, so we could make room for this girl Eli couldn't stop talking about all night. "You'll love her!" He signed. What was her name? Caroline? Catherine? Clare? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Clare. We drove up to a brownstone town-house, With a light brown door and a large window. Eli pushed his hand on the wheel, which, I'm guessing, made a honking noise. This short girl with short chestnut hair walked out, wearing a jean dress (ew) and flats. She had bright blue eyes that looked like rain drops. She was beautiful, and you could practically see the spark in Eli's eye when she walked out. I had never seen him like this since Julia. I wondered if he told her about Julia. I wondered if she cared. I wondered if she was nice. I wondered if Eli told her about me. I also wondered if Eli told her about my uhm, issue.
Clare got in the car smiling and turned around to look at me. She mouthed something, but I could not hear her. I made a confused face and looked at Eli. Eli turned around blushing, signing, "Say hi."I tried to say it. I knew I sounded dumb, because I cant hear myself, I cant control how it comes out. Was I yelling? This was so embarrassing. I was pissed. How could Eli not tell her? I looked out the window the rest of the way. I glanced at Clare, who looked embarrassed also. We got to school, where Eli showed me the front desk. Usually, you are supposed to register yourself, but in my case, Eli registered for me. He showed me my locker and my first class. Even though I was disabled and 14, I was put in all grade 10 classes, because my old schools curriculum was a year ahead of all others so we could get out of high school and get on with our lives. Clare was in my class, So she showed me where to sit. I thanked her and sat down. Mr. Simpson spoke very loudly so I could hear him, barely. All I heard was my name, then he beckoned me to stand up. I stood up and smiled. He looked like he was waiting for me to talk about myself, but I didn't because I was embarrassed of my voice. No one needs a deaf kid screaming in your ear. I looked around the classroom and only saw one boy. He had short brown hair, and puppy dog brown eyes. I was a sucker for those eyes. The thing about deaf people is, all of their other sense's become much sharper. I could see this boys pain, memories, and heart ache. I felt it. I felt a connection I only have with my brother. He grinned at me, then I realized I was still standing up. I quickly sat down, blushing.
After class, the boy walked up to me and waved. I guess he didn't know I was basically deaf so he started talking. I made a confused face so he would get it. But he didn't catch on. I tried to read his lips and saw the name K.C. That's funny, because I have an abbreviated name too. K.C.+A.J. Cute. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around, and saw Eli. I could tell he was being protective by his facial expressions. "I have a lot more to show you, A.J. Lets go." He signed. I turned to look at K.C. His smile disappeared and he looked surprised and embarrassed for trying to talk to me. Eli dragged me away, but I turned my head back and smiled, and i saw K.C.'s grin reappear. Today, isn't going too bad.
The rest of the school day, I couldn't wait to find K.C. and TRY to talk to him. I think I'm getting the hang of reading lips. Finally the last bell rang, and I ran out of the classroom, scoping out the hallway looking for K.C. I saw the top of his head at the end of the hallway turning right. I started walking fast until I caught up to him. I grabbed his shoulder and he turned around. "Hi." I tried to spit out. He waved, being conscious not to speak. "Sorry earliar my brather is just shawing mey arouwnd." I tried to say quietly. I wish I could learn to speak better. "I know a little sign language". He signed. I relaxed and smiled. Hm, I should probably keep this simple. "So, You like degrassi?" I signed. "yes." I smiled. I felt someone walking up towards me, I suspected it was Eli, pulling another "protective brother" move, bit instead it was Clare. She waved at me so I waved back. She started talking to K.C. All I heard Was little sister, and really nice. So I guess Clare isn't that bad. She smiled and walked off. "You know Clare?" I signed. "Yeah, we went out for a little bit last year." Maybe his sign language isn't that bad. "So, do you think you could tell me some things about degrassi?" I signed. He looked confused. I laughed. I guess He isn't that good. "Do you want to work on your sign language with me at the Dot?" He smiled. "Tomorrow after school?" He nodded. I smiled and walked away. I still had to pick up my uniform at the front desk. Eli said it was basically his fault for them because of Fitz and the knife he wrote about in his letters, But I never thought they would be this strict. I was given a purple shirt and I.D. tag with my full name on it. Alyson Joan Goldsworthy. In the far bottom corner it said, "Legally disabled." I felt this steam fill my body. I clenched The uniform and walked outside. I can't remember how long it has been since I have been this pissed. I felt the steam, trying to find a way out. I walked out to Eli's car and got in. He was already in the drivers seat waiting for me. I threw the uniform at him so he would read it. I didn't feel like have to tell someone my feelings through my hands. Tears started rolling down my burning cheek, and I felt like screaming. Eli gave me a concerned look, knowing what I was feeling. Then, suddenly, I felt his anger also. I wasn't alone. He didn't bother trying to calm me down or "talking" to me. He just hugged me as I cried. I hated my life. I felt bad that Eli knew I hated my life. We drove home in total silence, my hands on my lap. We pulled into our driveway and Eli locked the car doors so I couldn't get out. "I need to talk to you, A.J. I know this is hard, but you are a big girl. You can handle this. You've handled so much. I love you, and you need to know I care, and we can get through this." As the last tear dropped I smiled. Eli wiped my cheek with his hand and we hugged. He is the only person in the world who understands.