redo

that word has never been one of my favorites. it always seemed sort of cheating. a word that sparked a twitch in my eye and a whole lot of annoyance (especially to sore losers at baseball games). but now, i have never clung to a word more than i did this promise.

I'm pretty sure you're confused. You'll have to forgive me, I've been told i have the tendency to ramble off and leave unfortunate listeners confused. Usually this habit is left with a smack in the head with the more than occasional "WIMP''! What I wouldn't give to hear that remark again. Or well, just his voice.

Not just his voice though. Everyones. the ones I was too weak to save. Gwendal, lady cecelia, wolfram, murata, yozak, greta, gunter , conrad… conrad. If he were here to see me right now, bargaining with the same 'Great one' who ended his and everyone else's life, would he still smile at me with that sad expression? I know he would. because all he saw in me was his own version of a redo. i mean sure it isn't exactly the same as negotiating with a century old psychotic maou about a second chance.. but it's pretty damn well close.

that's because i was his second chance, with julia. my knuckles clench with the thought. what a fool i've been! i've pushed the thought that i could never be julia, for anyone out of my head, but it still hurts. i could never be wolfram's mentor. adelbert's trustee. a friend to lady anissina and lady celi. and definitely not worthy to see conrad's smile , before it was tainted by the sadness of a girl's death whose existence was ripped from him by the arrival of: not a goddess, (certainly not an intellect) nope just a stupid fifteen year old jock. shit.

my self loathing was soon cut of by the spine tingling laugh of Shinou, my gaze tore to him. "what a sad little expression you have my pet" he walked over to me and stroked his sickenly cool fingers over my trembling jaw line "after you watched your friends die, you still find the time to pout. I may have made a mistake on having you as my successor, but you sure are entertaining."

i strained my neck and simply looked at him, looked into the "man" that was once a person. but time has ripped him of all morality and compassion. how i feel for murata, he did truly love him. but .. i guess all descendants of others souls have an unrequited love to someone. if only i had the heart to hate him. but i couldn't. it was like watching a starved child steal an apple. all i saw was fear and insanity, it would eat him up way before i could ever feel hate. but god how i wish i could.

purring in my ear "it's too bad i used all my energy to take your little shields into the boxes, now i don't have any left to finish you"... that's a lie. i knew he still had plenty. he just wasn't about to discard his favorite toy just yet. "maybe i could give you a second chance…"

n-nani? i said. figures. my japanese dialect managed to be make itself known right now, great timing brain. "i had quite the time watching you squirm, i would love to still have you as my puppet once more, it's just too bad i had to kill my keys first, to get you to listen".. i cleared my throat ignoring that last statement "what do you mean by redo..?" "simple. you are born again; no one will ever remember this, only you, all i ask is for you to change your ruling concept"

and just like that i got it. sadistic maybe. but this king here was truly sad. he only wanted to have his kingdom segregated from the humans because he felt that was their safety. and seeing his little combination of souls decide to make peace was annoying. it seems his duty was the only way he felt needed. boy do i understand that. he killed them, so he could get his second chance.

i looked at him as he smirked. i didn't care if there was a risk of me being reincarnated as a toad; i just had to see them again, to let them know i am competent, to let conrad know.. i wasn't some selfless hero. i'm not some angelike, generous superman. im just a boy, who can't deal with this agony, my bloodstained soul. i don't care if julia's soul became bumpy from my regrets, i didn't have a reason to care anymore.

as i saw shinou doing some magic task to put my soul back in time, i looked at the bloody carcasses of my comrades. and i say carcass because that is all they are now. i knew i couldn't. i couldn't let their sacrifice go untainted. "are you ready.. my toy"?

those words still rang in my ears as i spit into the face of the blonde sociopath and was sent into the whirling fountain with the all too familiar sensation of drowning and twirling. little did i know what fucked up revenge shinou had for me in my "reincarnation process''...