Title: CSI at the French Palace

Author: ANNE (the insane one)

Rating: PG

Category: VSF: Very silly fluff

Summary: It's simple really. Instead of two guys fighting over Nicole Kidman, we have Catherine Willows, a stripper at a classy joint and Sara, a bartender who works there fighting over an eligible and introverted CSI, named Gil Grissom.

We have music, dancing and no one dies :) Because who wants to read a story where a main character dies?

Disclaimers: Anything you recognise either belongs to the people that make CSI or the people that made Moulin Rouge.

For those that have seen Moulin Rouge, the following CSI characters, will be worked in as the following Moulin Rouge characters :)

Catherine: Satine

Gil: Christian

Sara: The Duke

Greg - Toulouse

Doc Robbins - Harry Zidler

Narrator: Archie

Green Fairy - Lady Heather

Unconscious Texan - Bobby D

Bouncers/Regulars - Nick and Warrick

Nani-Legs-in-the-air: Hodges

Chapter One - Children Of The Revolution

Our story begins in the glitz and glamour town of Las Vegas, Nevada. The year does not matter because frankly, I am bad at math.

As we pass the Strip and all the casinos, we reach our destination. The hub of society. The place where all free thinkers abound…and we mean free.

The French Palace.

The night is falling, and behind the stage, our exotic dancers are preparing for a big night…

Lady Heather flits around, sprinkling glitter around the room. Sara the bartender swats around with a fly swatter as she comes in.

"HEY!" Lady Heather squeaks.

"Deal with it whip lady," Sara growls.

"Let's keep things clean, ladies," Nick drawls, his Southern accent resonating around the room.

Various exotic dancers swoon.

"Where's Catherine?" Sara finally asks, rolling her eyes at the various exotic dancers who are swooning.

"I'm here," Catherine says, coming out from behind a curtain.

I have to interrupt this story in order to describe the woman of beauty that has just revealed herself to those in the room.

Shoulder length strawberry blonde hair. A sequinned red bikini that skims over her creamy white skin. A glittery top hat completes the outfit that sparkles in the light.

"Looking lovely Miss Catherine ma'am," Nick says, tipping his tweed cap at her.

Catherine smiles a dazzling smile at him. "Thankyou, Nicky."

Sara makes an impatient sound. "Doc Robbins is waiting."
Catherine grabs a red satin robe and pulls it around. "See that's why you don't dance, Sara. You have no patience."

Sara sticks her tongue out at the back of her as the two women go out into the main area of the club.

"Catherine, Sara," Doc Robbins smiles, as they enter.

"Sara said you wanted to see me," Catherine says, sitting gracefully on a chair.

Sara plops onto the nearest stool.

Doc Robbins nods. "I do, I do. Tonight, there is going to be a very special guest. Well, let's put it this way, an eligible bachelor. His name is Gil Grissom and he is a crime scene investigator." His eyes dart between Sara and Catherine. "I want you two to behave yourselves." He turns his attention to Catherine. "And you, my dear, will dance as beautifully as usual."

Sara makes a gagging noise and heads over to the bar.

************************************************************************

Now we travel to a nice suburban part of town, where we find Gil Grissom reading a entomological text book as he waits for his cab.

And at that moment, an unconscious Texan falls through his roof. Next thing he knows, a man with spiky hair runs in.

"How do you do? My name is Greg Henri Marie Raymond Toulouse-Lautrec Montfa Sanders"

"What?" Gil asks, pushing his glass further up his nose.

"I'm terribly sorry about all this. We're just upstairs rehearsing a play."

Gil Grissom is still in a state of shock. "What?"
Greg points to the unconscious Texan. "That's Bobby D. He has narcolepsy. Usually Nick and Warrick are with us, but he's working at the French Palace tonight."

Gil's ears prick up. "The French Palace? I'm going there soon."

Greg grins. "To see the famous Catherine, I'm sure."

"Actually, I was invited by a Mr Sidle. His daughter works there."
Greg wrinkles his nose. "Sara, yes. You'll enjoy seeing Catherine though. She once told me I was a smart man for not doubting her word." He sticks his chest out. "Perhaps later you could come and see our play."

Thankfully, Gil Grissom hears his cab. "Thanks. I will. Bye."

Greg waves. "Say hello to Catherine for me!" He nudges Bobby D with his foot. "Wake up you useless sod."

************************************************************************

And now we are back at the French Palace. Gil is sitting beside Doc Robbins at a front seat. And hark, hear the opening strains of "Lady Marmalade"

The stage is dark.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Where's all my souls sisters
Let me hear ya'll flow sisters

Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister (oh)
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Light slowly illuminates several other dancers around the room. Finally, one spotlight illuminates her. Catherine.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He met Marmalade down in old French Palace
Struttin' her stuff on the street (street)
She said, "Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?" (woah)

Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Mocha Chocolata ya ya (ooh yeah)
Creole Lady Marmalade

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Her lithe body slides down the pole, her hips gyrating to the music. Gil sits, enthralled beside Doc Robbins.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ah, oh)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (Yeah yeah yeah yeah)

(Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister)
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up
(Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister)
Boy drank all that Magnolia wine
Upon her black satin sheets
I swear he started to freak yeah

Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Mocha Chocolata ya ya (ooh yeah)
Creole Lady Marmalade

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sara saunters over, all in black. "Drink, Mr Grissom?" she asks flirtatiously.

"Sure. Whatever," Gil replies, his eyes fixated on Catherine, as she toys with the back of her bikini top.

Sara frowns.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ah, oh)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (Yeah yeah yeah yeah)

We come through with the money and the garter belt
Let 'em know we got that cake
Straight up the gate
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The crowd goes wild as the top gets thrown to the floor of the stage and Catherine's dancing continues.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We independent women, some mistakes us for whores
I'm sayin' why spend mine when I can spend yours
Disagree? Well that's you and I'm sorry
I'm a keep playing these cats out like Atari
High heeled shoes getting love from the dudes
Four bad ass chicks from the French Palace

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Her body glistens with sweat as she dances, her long legs wrapping around the pole as she slides down, like a fireman to put out a fire.

That's how Gil feels. As if he's on fire.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hey sisters, soul sisters
Better get that dough sisters

We drink wine with diamonds in the glass
By the case the meaning of expensive taste
You wanna gitchie, gitchie, ya ya (come on)
Mocha Chocolata what?
Creole Lady Marmalade
(One more time c'mon)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

She swivels around the pole, her strawberry blonde hair cascading over her bare shoulders in waves.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Marmalade (ooh)
Lady Marmalade (ooh yeah)
Marmalade (ooh, hey hey hey)
Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth, hey
Colour of café au lait (all right)
Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried
More (more) more (more) more (more)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Her body pumps to the music, her lips curved in a seductive smile as she keeps time with the throbbing beat.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now he's back home doin' 9 to 5 (9 to 5)
Livin' the grey flannel life (oh pity)
But when he turns off to sleep memories creep
More (more) more (more) more (more)

Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Mocha Chocolata ya ya (ooh yeah)
Creole Lady Marmalade

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gil feels like he's been sucker-punched as one of her trademark dazzling smiles comes his way. Sara stands to the side, arms folded, and sticks her tongue out at Catherine.

Catherine catches the gesture, and in a move that is sure to aggravate Sara further, her tongue sticks out too…but in a way that makes the crowd scream their approval.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ah, oh)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (Yeah yeah yeah yeah)

(oh yeah ooh)
(Lady Marmalade)
(hey hey uh uh uh uh uh uh uh)
(oh oh ooooh)
Rot wilder baby (baby)
Moulin Rouge
Misdemeanour here

Creole Lady Marmalade ooh yes

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
As the music dies down, the lights dim, until the stage is dark again. With a delighted chuckle to herself, Catherine disappears behind the stage, to prepare for her next number.
 
As she changes, let's head back over to where Gil Grissom is still staring at the stage, wondering if that ethereal vision he just saw was real.
"So?" Doc Robbins asks, his lips turned up in a wry smile.
"That was…she was…wow." Gil is still staring at the stage.
"I'm glad you enjoyed. Ah, here's Sara Sidle. Her father owns the French Palace you know." He winks at Gil. "Money keeps Catherine in business."
Gil tears his eyes away from the stage and looks at the Gothic looking figure of Sara Sidle. She is dress entirely in black. Gil wonders if she knows it makes her blend in, rather than stand out, as Catherine does in her alluring outfits.
Sara sticks out a hand. "Please to meet you, Mr Grissom."
"Gil, please," Gil nods. "And the pleasure is all mine."
Sara smiles winningly. "I believe you know my father."
Gil nods again. "Yes. He thought I might like to see the French Palace, in case I wanted to invest in it."
"Doc Robbins says you are in the police business," Sara says, seating herself down beside him.
A customer yells out. "Hey! Bargirl! Let's get some drinks over here!"

Sara turns around, fixing him with a glare. "Keep your hollering down! God, you sound like a freakin' child!"
"A crime scene investigator actually," Gil explains. As he continues his explanation of his job, he can't help noticing Sara's eyes glazing over.
***************************************************************************************
Catherine is now clad in a blue sparkly bikini outfit, and this time, the silver top hat is going to a very special man in the audience.
"Has anyone ever told you you'd make a great dominatrix?" Lady Heather asks, flitting around.
Catherine rolls her eyes. "You have. Several times."
Mid-air, Lady Heather crosses her arms and pouts. "Geez, what have you got your panties in a bunch for?" She catches the look in Catherine's eyes. She squeals. "A man! You've found yourself a man!"
"Shh," Catherine hisses. "I can't have him anyway. Sara's father brought him here." She adjusts her bikini top to give a slight hint of cleavage and grins slightly. "That doesn't mean I can't tease him."

Lady Heather grins. "I am the Green Fairy. And with one swift motion of my wand I will go…naughty, naughty, naughty."
"Thanks," Catherine says, preparing for her next number.
*******************************************************************************************
Once again, the stage is set. Although this time, there are sparkles in different colours adorning the back wall and stage, courtesy of Lady Heather A.K.A the Green Fairy.
 
As the opening strains of the song begin, Catherine and the other dancers, holding tightly to their poles, rise from below stage.
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The French are glad to die for love

They delight in fighting duels

But I prefer a man who lives

And gives

Expensive jewels

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gil's eyes are riveted to the stage again, as Catherine toys with her top hat, twirling it as she sings.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A kiss on the hand may be quite Continental

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

A kiss may be grand

But it won't pay the rental

On your humble flat

Or help you feed your (meow) pussy cat

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He almost jumps out of his seat as Catherine purrs onstage, her eyes boring into his.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Men grow cold

As girls grow old

And we all lose our charms in the end

But square-cut or pear-shaped

These rocks don't lose their shape

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As her bra falls to the floor, the men begin whooping and hollering again. Gil Grissom wants to join them, to show his appreciation, but the steely silence of Sara Sidle beside him is making him uncomfortable.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tiffany's. . . Cartier. . .

Black frost. . .

Pearl 'bossed. . .

Talk to me, Doc Robbins, tell me all about it!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gil hadn't noticed Doc Robbins had left until he comes out onto the stage, twirling his cane around and singing with Catherine. Gil begins to feel insanely jealous.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer

Thinks you're awful nice

But get that ice

Or else no dice

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gil feels an icy hand upon his and realises it is Sara's. He winces and slowly pulls it away. But his eyes never leave Catherine's.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He's your guy when stocks are high

But beware when they start to descend

Cos that's when those louses

Go back to their spouses

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Diamonds. . .

Are a girl's best. . . best friend 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
Catherine's top hat soars through the air, and neatly lands in Gil's hands. She flashes him a quick smile as the stage seems to swallow her and the other chorus girls up.
 
Doc Robbins trundles off the stage and comes to Gil. "Would you like to meet her?" he asks.
Gil can't speak, but nods eagerly. Sara frowns and goes back to her bar as Doc Robbins leads Gil backstage.
********************************************************************************************
 
Backstage, Catherine is now clad in a blue satin robe. She smiles broadly as Doc Robbins comes through the door with Gil Grissom.
"Catherine Willows, meet Gil Grissom. Mr Sidle sent him along."
Catherine holds out her hand. "Charmed."
Gil kisses her hand. "The pleasure is all mine." He holds out her hat. "Your hat, ma'am."
Catherine wrinkles her nose. "Call me Catherine. Ma'am makes me feel old." She smiles. "You can keep it if you like."
Gil holds it against his chest. "Thankyou. I'm indebted."
"Did you enjoy the show?"
Gil nods. "It was…spectacular. You are…spectacular."
Catherine blushes slightly. "I hope that means you will be coming back to the French Palace."

Gil nods. "I will definitely be back."
Part 2