Author's note: I hadn't actually written and posted anything for a very long time. In my haste to get something out, I published a story not quite up to my personal standards. I took it down and rewrote parts of it, and am now putting it back out there. I feel extremely rusty, so any reviews would be greatly appreciate. I need to get back into the game.

This was it: the final push. Everything they had worked for over the past few months, everything they had endured, led to this. Now the only thing standing between Shepard and Saren was the agonizingly long trip to Ilos. Even with the most modern ship available, it would still be the better part of a day before they reached their destination. The wait was agonizing.

Shepard was occupying herself as best she could by going over all the reports yet again. She knew all the info contained within every single one backwards and forwards, but keeping busy was the only way she could handle the wait. Besides, there was always a chance, however small, that she would find something she somehow missed before – some small piece of info that could make a difference. That was what she kept telling herself, anyway.

A light tap on the door broke the silence in the room. A slight, crooked smile danced across her lips for a fleeting moment before she pulled herself together.

"It's open."

The door slid open with a soft whoosh, revealing a muscular silhouette. Shepard looked up from the screen, blinking several times to let her eyes adjust. She didn't need to see to know who the new arrival was; the familiar hum in the back of her mind announced his arrival before he even knocked.

"What brings you by, Alenko?" There was warmth to her voice she wasn't expecting; nerves and exhaustion had made her less careful than usual.

Lieutenant Alenko either didn't notice the slight change in her voice, or chose to ignore it. He made his way across the room in a few short strides, one hand full of reports and the other balancing a tray. It wasn't until after his hands were free that he answered.

"I couldn't sleep," he shrugged, the movement little more than a slight jerk of one muscular shoulder, before continuing "so I was just going over all these reports. I keep hoping I missed something." His eyes locked with hers for a second. In that moment she saw everything she felt – her fears, hope, and everything she didn't dare voice, reflected back at her through his eyes. His features were tight – the tension obviously getting to him as well, but he managed a small grin. "I knew you would still be up too. I figured we could trade reports, maybe fresh eyes will find something." He reached back and grabbed a mug, presenting it with a flourish. "And I brought coffee."

"Oh my god, I love you!" The words left Shepard's lips before she even realized what she had said. In any other instance, with any other person, the words would be nothing more than a sentiment of appreciation. Her love of java was well known among the crew. It was just somehow… different this time, though. She buried her face in the mug, a vain effort to hide the blush she felt creeping up her face. The hot coffee was sweet and creamy – practically a dessert, just like she liked on late nights, and warmed her to the core. She closed her eyes and savored that first sip. The fact that it kept her from seeing his reaction was just an added bonus.

Alenko chuckled lightly. He was either very good at ignoring her sudden awkwardness, or was exceptionally clueless. Shepard hazarded a peeked over the rim of her mug to determine which. He merely smiled back, not offering any clues.

"You think that's good? You haven't even seen what else I have with me." With that, he produced a tray positively overflowing with goodies. "It is hard to fit enough snacks for two biotics on one tray, but I think I've got us covered for a few hours."

Shepard let the mug fall away from her face, her green eyes bulging at the glorious sight of all her favorites piled together in one place. That was no accident; Alenko had clearly been paying attention as nothing she loved was missing. Her stomach flipped, both the implications as well as hunger, before it audibly reminded her that she had been neglecting it, too caught up in the task at hand.

Alenko's warm, soft laughter filled the room. "Sounds like I'm just in time. Clearly someone needs to remind you to eat. So… eat." He pushed the tray closer to Shepard and sat back, a report in one hand and his own mug in the other. Alenko's brow furrowed in concentration, and she had to fight the urge to reach out and smooth the creases away. Instead, she buried her face in another report.

They worked in amicable silence until the coffee was long cold and the tray nearly empty. It was Shepard who finally broke the silence.

"So, should we trade reports? Honestly, I've been over mine so many times I know them all by heart. I could use something new to look at."

She held one tablet out, breaching the gap between them. Alenko returned the gesture in kind, his own tablet extending towards her. Apparently they were going to do this stand-off style: both exchanges happening at once. The image of an old crime vid briefly crossed her mind and she couldn't help but grin. The exchange happens at high noon. She could play that game. She reached out with her free hand, grabbing his report high enough to lightly brush his hand – just a quick, innocent touch that she somehow couldn't deny herself. This was just a little added bonus of the game, nothing more. A quick bolt of surprise shot through her as his fingers danced across her extended hand as well.

Their eyes locked. There was a heat in that gaze that she never dared contemplate before.

Shepard could feel her heart beat in her throat as they both sat in her quarters holding hands across her desk under the pretense of trading reports. The low hum that was always in the back of her head when they were near one another was now a beautiful harmony filling her body, their biotics making music nobody else could hear. Energy sparked along the small circles his thumb traced on her fingers. A soft sigh escaped her lips. She could feel both their hands shaking, and she found it endearing and exciting all at once. This was it. They each only need take one step to breach the gap…

Three loud knocks broke the silence, the only warning before the door to Shepard's quarters slid open. Pressly strode in, not waiting for an invitation, his eyes hungrily taking in the scene. He wore a look of triumph that was quickly replaced by a frown that hinted at some sort of disappointment of his findings. Shepard looked up from her desk, a report in one hand and coffee mug in the other.

"Can I help you, Pressly?" Shepard sounded tired, but there was a hint of warning to her tone. She kept an open door policy within reason, but nobody ever took advantage of it by walking in uninvited. This was not something she would accept without good reason. Somebody's hair better be on fire.

Pressly's eyes shot between Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko. Alenko was a mirror image of Shepard, sitting comfortably on the opposite side of the room with reports stacked next to him and one in his hand. Pressly shook his head slightly, as if in disbelief. Shepard chose to take that as an answer to her question, and she wasn't happy.

"Is there a reason you barged into my quarters, then?" The question was direct, to the point. The thinly veiled accusation snapped the navigator out of his shock. It took only a moment for him to pull himself together. He smoothed his uniform and pulled his shoulders back, implying a confidence he lacked and presenting an air of authority he didn't quite possess.

"I was just reporting in, ma'am." He saluted then cleared his throat self-consciously. Shepard made the most of his pause.

"That is usually something that can wait a few seconds for an invitation. Keep that in mind for future reference." Her voice was cool and hard. Her eyes narrowed sharply on the navigator. The weight of her gaze was too much for him to maintain his haughty stance.

"Yes, ma'am; sorry ma'am." He fidgeted nervously for a second. "I just came to tell you we are down to the skeleton crew. We are on course and schedule for our arrival tomorrow." The navigator acted like he wanted to say more, but thought better of it. His mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water as his eyes darted between the commander and the lieutenant. Neither of them moved, and the room sat in silence for a few beats. Shepard was patient and waited to see how daring he would be, but it was apparent he used all the gall he had gathered with the initial intrusion.

"If that is all, then you are relieved of duty for the night. I recommend you take advantage of this time by getting some rest, as you will have the ship once we are groundside. I need you at your best." Pressly nodded, but did not move. Shepard glanced up. "Is there anything else?"

"Um… no, ma'am, that is all."

"Then you are dismissed. Thank you." Shepard turned her attention away from the man and back to the tablet in her hand – a physical signal of her dismissal – and waited for the door to slide closed. It was still several seconds before she heard the soft whoosh she was waiting for. Shepard held a finger up as soon as the door closed, silencing Alenko before he could speak, and her eyes glued to her now-closed door. She cocked her head to one side, listening. After a pregnant pause she began speaking, her hand still holding her companion silent.

"Lieutenant, I have a question about this report. The load-out mention…"

The sentence died on her lips and her hand dropped into her lap. She finally pulled her eyes from the door and met Alenko's questioning gaze.

"He was listening in at the door."

"I don't understand. Why was he listening? Why did he just barge in to begin with?" Kaidan's dark brows knitted in confusion. This was behavior well outside the norm for the navigator to begin with. And to so blatantly disrespect the commander was unheard of.

Shepard sighed heavily and set her props to the side. She had just barely managed to get herself into a believable position before Pressly barged in, and she was relieved to see Alenko followed her lead masterfully. They both managed to remain silent while scurrying like mice – or teenagers caught in the act.

"Someone has made accusations of fraternization. It was all anonymous, of course, but I had my suspicions. Apparently I was correct." She had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. The whole situation would be utterly ridiculous if it didn't have such potentially damning repercussions.

"Who's fraternizing?" The prospect of some juicy gossip apparently piqued the lieutenant's interest. Shepard wouldn't meet his eyes. She busied herself straightening the stack of reports in front of her before she spoke again.

"The accusation was brought to my attention during the debrief with Hackett after Vermire." The weight of the words, and the implications, hung in the air. She glanced over at the now-mute lieutenant, and found him standing mouth agape. In the soft glow of her room she could tell his tan skin had paled considerably with that revelation. Shepard picked at a callus on her finger, a nervous tick she never quite broke, as she continued.

"I assured him that the accusations were unfounded, and, furthermore, my actions on that mission were as by-the-book as you could get." Shepard squared her shoulders and looked the lieutenant in the eye before continuing. This was serious, and he needed to know she was confident. "And I meant it. He agreed, but I could tell he wasn't fully convinced." The weight of the situation caught up to her in that moment. Shepard dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her face wearily.

"I'm assuming Pressly thought he was going to get proof of his suspicions. That's why he looked so disappointed. In fact…" Shepard pulled up a screen on her desk and tapped a few buttons. "His line is engaged right now. I'd be willing to bet that is Pressly passing on his report. He isn't even trying to hide it; he wants me to know." Shepard closed down the window in disgust. "One little rumor and all respect goes flying out the airlock." She grabbed the report on the top of the stack, her face suddenly dark.

"How did I let myself get into this?" She growled as she threw the tablet across the room. Sparks lit up the shadowy corner on impact as the screen flickered twice then went dark. "I promised myself I would never let this happen." She barely whispered, but the words hurt. She turned away, the guilt too raw to share yet. The room sat hushed as she contemplated everything, Alenko either patiently waiting or afraid to break the stillness.

"My mom has an excellent service record." She spoke with her back to Alenko, her words barely audible, yet they shattered the thick silence that had built up. It wasn't clear if she was speaking to him or herself until she spun around to face him. "Do you know why she isn't an admiral?" Alenko blinked in confusion, but she didn't wait for him to answer. "You're looking at it." The story spilled out of her, pent up for too long. "She went out on an extended tour a young soldier, and returned a mother-to-be. She tried to play it off that I was the product of shore leave, but the math just didn't add up. They decided not to let it slide – to make a warning tale out of her. The powers-that-be offered her leniency if she gave up my father, but she refused. As a result, they threw everything they could at her and that has followed her around the rest of her career." She had never told anyone that story before. Shepard stood tall; her shoulders back and chin high, in defiance of the lifetime of guilt she carried for this. She failed to realize the only other person in the room would never hold it against her. His look of compassion softened her resolve, her anger, but she wasn't done. "Every once in awhile someone will still offer her a big promotion with the caveat that she reveals my father in return. It is usually someone interested in climbing the ranks who thinks they have it figured out. They want to take my father down a few notches and climb up in his place. They usually have it dead wrong, but my mother won't respond either way. And so she sits, well below the rank she deserves." Shepard walked over to her nightstand and began mindlessly rearranging everything. She had to keep herself busy.

"Hell, even Anderson fielded several inquiries once I was made Spectre. They were trying to get to me. He told them all how horrible they were for trying to remind me of my fatherless upbringing and that I was as clueless as they were." Shepard chuckled, but there was no mirth. "He finished each response with the reminder that any future questions of that nature would not be answered diplomatically and would most likely involve fists, either his or mine." She stopped talking for several moments, lost in her own thoughts. She sat on the bed, her gaze unfocused.

Kaidan leaned against the wall. His mouth opened as if to say something, and then closed silently. He could be as patient as she needed. They held these positions, still as statues, for several minutes before she continued.

"He's always done his best to protect me – ever since I was a baby," she whispered, more to herself than for anyone else. She snapped out of her trance-like state with a hard blink, and turned her attention to the man on the other side of the room. "Did you know there was a rumor that Anderson is actually my father? Can you believe it? Anyone with half a brain could see that isn't the case. Hell, a little digging would tell them he and my mom didn't even meet until I was walking. They all suck as investigators." A wry smile crossed her lips as she continued. "It still pops up every once in awhile. I like that one, though; it really gets people going. It helps throw everyone off the scent, too."

"So you do know who your father is, then?" Alenko finally voiced the question that had been eating at him since this conversation had begun. Well, it was part of the bigger question, but he knew better than to pry.

Shepard laughed bitterly.

"Of course I know. I figured it out years before they actually told me. I let them think I was clueless, but I knew. Anderson knew I figured it out, though. He always said I was too smart for my own good."

"I've already heard it from him – my father, I mean – about these accusations." She glanced in Alenko's direction, and then looked down at her hands, unwilling or unable to make eye contact any longer.

"He knew about them before I did?" Alenko blurted his response, the surprise evident in his voice. She merely nodded. "How? When was I going to find out?"

Shepard sighed heavily, and then spoke. She sounded tired. "Don't worry about the how. He has his ways. And I wasn't going to say anything to you because there was nothing to say. They were baseless accusations." She shrugged. It was meant to be a light gesture, but there was a burden behind it. "It wasn't a fun conversation, though. I got to hear how disappointed he was. Why do parents always pull that one out?" She made a face that was almost childlike before continuing. "Then he went on about how my mom's sacrifice meant nothing to me if I was unwilling to learn from their mistakes. I tried to tell him that nothing actually happened, but he didn't believe me. He said I was compromised."

"Why didn't he believe you?" The question was soft, but there was heaviness behind it… as if the answer held the weight of the world.

"Because he knows me."

Kaidan crossed the room in two strides and knelt down in front of Shepard. He was careful to leave space between them, to not touch her without invitation. She still wouldn't meet his eyes, so he squatted lower until she would have to turn her head to avoid eye contact. She didn't turn away.

"What do mean by that?"

Shepard tried to look away, but he moved to maintain eye contact. There was a heavy blush creeping up her neck, but she shook her head. It was clear she had no intention of answering that question. He needed and answer – they needed an answer – so he tried a different approach.

"What is it you want – here, between us?"

Shepard could feel her heart beating as hard as on the battlefield. That was what this was after all, wasn't it? It was an emotional battlefield. If she wasn't careful, one or both of them would end up hurt. She shook her head. Once she answered that question, there would be no going back. He wasn't going to let this go without an answer, though, and she knew it.

"It doesn't matter what I want. There are strict regs, and we are both soldiers." She knew it was a non-answer, but she hoped it would be enough.

It wasn't.

"Fuck regs!"Shepard blinked in shock at his outburst, never expecting it from him. A slight blue swirl danced across his skin. Shepard had never seen him so worked up. He took a deep breath, got himself under control, and continued. "I didn't ask about them, and they aren't my concern right now. I want to know what you want. What you would want if none of that were part of the equation."

"But they are." Her response was automatic and distant. Shepard felt herself going cold, disconnecting from her emotions to protect herself. Kaidan shook his head, unwilling to let it go.

"Fine, pretend we are both civvies. We live a nice quiet life in some little backwater colony somewhere. And don't…" he held up a hand to stop her from interrupting, and continued "don't tell me that isn't the case. We both know that. So just answer the damn question."

Shepard knew she could stall no longer. She took a deep breath and answered.

"If that were the case, we wouldn't be having this conversation." She looked deep into his beautiful whisky colored eyes, and admitted the truth they both were avoiding. "We would've been together for a long time now. And we both know it."

He closed the gap between them in a heartbeat; his lips danced just above hers. Only her hand planted firmly in his chest kept them apart. Her palm tingled from the electricity arcing between them, both literal and figurative. The muscles in his chest rippled under his shirt, her fingers instinctively digging in slightly. His breath caught in a jagged gasp, hot on her lips. Shepard's attention was drawn to the rapid, deep thumping underneath her shaking palm. His heart was racing, keeping time with hers – a primitive, almost musical beat.

"Why stop this?" he whispered against her mouth. She licked her lips instinctively; her tongue accidentally brushed his, eliciting a soft sigh. A jolt of surprise shivered down her spine; he was even closer than she though. She shook her head in an attempt to clear it, to regain some composure. She could barely think over the sound of his biotics harmonizing with her own. Her strength and resolve weakened significantly by the second, so she pulled back to steel herself.

"I did learn from my parents' mistake." She took a deep breath before continuing. "I watched them sneak around my entire life, unable to publically be who they wanted and with whom they wanted. I watched my mom's career stall out so she couldn't reach the level she was destined to. And I won't let you do that." Unshed tears blurred part of her vision, but she ignored them. She didn't dare blink lest the pool of tears spill over, and she refused to cry. Commander Shepard didn't cry… at least not in front of anyone else. Eyes wide, she continued.

"You are too good a soldier to be dragged down by politics." She turned away from him, and he let her. "By me," she whispered. She could feel the heat of his hand ghost along her arm, never quite touching. She ached for his touch, but feared it just the same. The fear for him - for both of them - was like a rock in her gut. "Someone would find out, and in almost no time. People are already watching us uncomfortably close, and that is without anything to watch."

"So I put in a transfer request and we do this by the books." Kaidan's voice was tinged with desperation. He lightly cupped her chin and tried to turn her to face him, but she refused. The combination of what he said and how he said it broke her heart. She couldn't bear to see it written across his face. She could only shake her head for a few seconds before she found her voice.

"We're a good team. I've never worked with anyone else who meshed so well with my style – my way of fighting. I don't want to lose that. It's precious to me." She took a deep breath to keep the tears at bay before she continued. This was the truth she even tried to deny herself… but she couldn't any longer. It had to be voiced. "And I would constantly worry about you. It would destroy me to know you were out there, somewhere in harm's way, and I could do nothing to protect you. At least this way I can do everything in my power to make sure you're safe."

A bitter hiccup of a laugh escaped her throat. There it was. Her father was right all along. "And that is why I'm compromised. That is exactly why those rules exist."

Shepard pulled away from Alenko completely, stood, and crossed the room. She needed distance for this. She couldn't continue when she could feel his warmth on her skin, smell his scent enveloping her, and feel his biotics vibrating to her very core. Everything was so much colder, darker, without him near her. A shiver ran through her body – whether from cold or dread she didn't know.

"I've already broken regs in my heart and mind. I can't allow myself to finish the job."

Kaidan stood, but he was no longer the strong, confident man she knew. She studied him from the corner of one eye, unable to face him. His shoulders slumped and his head hung, barely obscuring the look on his handsome face. She had done exactly what she desperately tried to avoid: break his heart. There was no way to undo this, to unsay everything that had been exposed tonight. All she could do was try to be the commander to his lieutenant. They still had the mission before them, and she couldn't let this affect it.

"You should get some rest. We have a big day ahead of us and I need you at your best." She spoke to the wall, unable to face him. The big, strong commander was too weak to watch the man of her dreams walk out the door. She hugged her arms to herself and held her breath, waiting for the sound she dreaded most.

The doors whooshed closed quietly behind her.