All Mormons Go To Heaven
Normal people would be glad to know that their faith was the "correct" one. At least, that was what Gary Harrison thought, and he was quite sure that he was normal. But after discovering this truth, he wasn't so sure that he was satisfied with it.
He also wasn't sure whether or not to be grateful to Kenny McCormick and his big mouth. For a relatively quiet boy who mumbled so much as a kid, he'd certainly grown into an outspoken teenager. It was that gregarious quality, or more specifically his lack of inhibition for discussing the frequency of his deaths in public, that allowed Gary to overhear a conversation between the poor boy and his friends.
"Jesus Christ, dude, what took you so long getting back this time?" Cartman nagged his friend as he joined their group in the lunch line. "I needed your History notes for the test today, the fucking Jew wouldn't let me borrow his!"
Kyle rolled his eyes and snorted as he shifted the bag on his shoulders to look back at the complaining boy. "And why should I lend you my notes? You should have kept your own."
"Don't be such a Jew, Kahl!"
"I am a Jew, you fucking fatass!"
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose, in that annoyed habit of his, and sighed. "Both of you, cut it out."
"Oh, like you can talk, Stan. Kahl lends you his notes. Fuckin' fags." Kyle made a strangled aggravated noise, turned around, and kicked Cartman square in the balls, which dropped the heavy teen to the floor. Stan just shook his head at this, but otherwise ignored the whole display.
Kenny snorted back a laugh, obviously trying not to laugh at his friend's pain but failing quite miserably. "Dude, you oughtta just quit making comments like that. You know you're gonna get kicked where it hurts every time."
"'Ey, at least I don't call you a fag, Kenneh!" Cartman wheezed between his teeth as he tried to regain his composure. "...Even if you are totally Damien's bitch."
"Hey, fuck you! It's not my fault he practically jumps my bones every time I die."
Gary's attention was piqued at the mention of the boy who claimed to be the son of Satan. He'd never really paid much attention to Damien, simply figuring that he was just another goth-emo kid who took it to an extreme. But with the way the McCormick boy was talking, it sounded like the he actually did reside in Hell.
Well, Gary supposed it could be true. After all, stranger things have happened, if the constantly-dying boy ahead of him in the lunch line was any indication.
"Excuse me..." Four heads swerved in unison to look at Gary. He wasn't sure whether to take that as a good sign or a bad sign, but it was certainly creepy; he gulped. "I was just wondering. Do you really go to Hell every time you die? Haven't you ever gone to Heaven?"
Once he voiced the query, Kenny's smirk made him feel all the more awkward. "Yeah, I've been to Heaven before. But it's boring as fuck there, so I don't make it a habit."
Gary couldn't help but gape at his classmate. Surely he had to be joking. Heaven was what every good person strived for; it was the eternal promised paradise! Who wouldn't want to go to Heaven?
"Aw, come on, Kenny," Stan interrupted to chastise his friend. "Don't tell him that. It'll just upset him."
"Yeah dude, he doesn't need to know he's destined for eternal boredom." Cartman sneered as he spoke; it was clear that he wanted Gary to know full well what lay in store for him.
This was wrong, all wrong. Heaven wasn't supposed to be a boring place. It was peace, bliss, all wonderful things and no room for negatives. They were wrong...
All Gary could muster in response was a nervous laugh. "What do you guys mean by that? You can't know that I'm definitely going to Heaven..." Though he silently prayed that he would, and that they were wrong. They only preferred Hell because that's where Kenny kept going, because that's where they were probably going, it was just a way to console themselves for missing out on paradise. That had to have been it.
"Of course you are." Cartman's sneer broadened into a full grin. "They only let Mormons into Heaven. That's why it's so fucking boring there! Can you just imagine? Day after day, nothing but 'Oh heeey guys, let's make some papier-mache hats!' and 'Let's paint our faces like faggy clowns, teehee!' Just thinking about it makes me want to puke."
"Damn it, Cartman! Leave him alone, he probably likes that sort of thing anyway!" Kyle seethed. He looked about ready to punch Cartman in the face. Gary wouldn't be surprised; it seemed like he took every opportunity he could to unleash a beating on his supposed friend.
"Oh hey Stan, don't look now, but it looks like your Jew boyfriend has a crush on the Mormon!"
That time, it was Stan's fist that connected with Cartman's head, followed soon after by Kyle's. The two quickly had the fat boy shrieking on the floor.
"Dude..." Kenny laughed. "Are you sure you two aren't...?"
"Don't even start, Kenny!"
By that point, Gary stopped paying attention to the group, too caught up in his own thoughts to care about Stan and Kyle's issues.
Was what they said true? Was Heaven really not what he'd thought it was? Cartman was the one who'd done most of the badmouthing, but Kenny was the one who'd actually been there, and he didn't deny any of it...
The more he thought about it, the more it disturbed him. Why weren't people of other faiths allowed in? As long as a person led a good life, doing good works, being kind to others... shouldn't that be enough? There were so many religions in the world, it just didn't seem fair to deny good people entrance to Heaven just because they didn't hold to a particular faith, perhaps one they'd never even heard of.
He was surprised to feel resentment, actual resentment, for that which he'd defended for so many years. He'd always thought that his religion might have had its odd points regarding the things they held as true, but his emphasis had always fallen on what people did with their faith.
His family, his life, his happiness... did any of it mean anything? Or was it nothing more than a coincidental byproduct of just happening to be born into the right faith?
A foul taste spread through his mouth. Suddenly, he didn't particularly want lunch anymore.
(A/N: I'm thinking this can be a stand-alone piece, but I do have something in mind for where it can go. So there may or may not be a continuation.)