Disclaimer: I do not own 'Peanuts'. All rights belong to Charles M. Schulz and the Schulz estate.
Charlie Brown sat down to write his first letter to the Little Red-Haired Girl. He was still overwhelmed with joy that his biggest crush had actually picked him to be her pen-pal. With a pencil, he wrote:
Dear Little Red-Haired Girl, How's summer camp? I hope you're having a great time.
I remember making friends there with a kid named Roy once. A year later, I was told that he remembered me only as "that funny round-headed kid".
Do have a good time fishing, swimming and telling campfire stories. I hope you'll excuse the fact that I'm writing to you in pencil.
The truth is, I haven't had any pen-pals, just pencil-pals. Yours truly, Charlie Brown
Charlie Brown put his letter to the Little Red-Haired Girl into his mailbox.
As he waited for the postman to arrive, he dreamed of how his new pen-pal would receive his letter. She clearly seemed to like him very much when they spoke on the bus.
As the postman came and took the Browns' letters away, Charlie Brown bade his letter Godspeed and wished the Little Red-Haired Girl all his love.
As he made his way back into the house, he was struck with a terrible realization. "Wait, did I address her as the 'Little Red-Haired Girl'?!"
Some time later, Charlie Brown received his first letter from his pencil-pal at summer camp. It read:
Dear Funny Round-Headed Kid, You're a laugh! I shared your letter with my friends at camp and they all thought it was hilarious!
Everyone at camp calls me "The Little Red-Haired Girl" now, and I kind of like all the attention I'm getting because of it.
Perhaps you could use a typewriter instead of a pencil next time? I think I saw your dog (!) using one once.
Lots of love, Your Little Red-Haired Girl
Charlie Brown was in bliss.
The correspondence between Charlie Brown and his beloved Little Red-Haired Girl continued for months after that initial exchange. However, the turning point in their relationship came around Christmas that same year.
A week before Christmas, a wide-eyed and visibly trembling Charlie Brown sat down at Snoopy's typewriter and began to type:
Dear Little Red-Haired Girl, Merry Christmas to you and your kin. There's something I've wanted to tell you for the longest time,
but I was too frightened to tell you before. But now I know I'll always be kicking myself if I didn't, so...
My beloved Little Red-Haired Girl, will you...be mine?
"That's it," sighed the resigned Charlie Brown. "I might as well go jump off a cliff now to spare myself the inevitable humiliation."
"I got a reply from the Little Red-Haired Girl," said Charlie Brown on Christmas Day.
"Is this it?" he asked himself. "Is this the moment when my whole world comes crashing down around me?"
"Good grief, Charlie Brown!" he scolded himself, hitting his head on the wall. "You hit the jackpot when she agreed to be your pen-pal, and yet you had to ruin it by confessing your love to her?!"
As he opened the letter, Charlie Brown said with despairing resignation, "Well, at least I know that after this Christmas catastrophe, nothing that comes my way will seem as bad."
Charlie Brown opened the letter and read:
Dear Funny Round-Headed Kid, I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about your last letter to me.
Even now, I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming!
I never imagined that a plain, ordinary girl like me would ever be asked this by someone as brave and kind as you.
At this point, hope began to creep back into Charlie Brown's countenance.
So yes, Charlie Brown, I'd love to be your Little Red-Haired Girlfriend!
Charlie Brown's eyes turned into red hearts as wide as saucers, he started smiling stupidly from ear to ear and actually levitated above the ground in pure bliss. A river of hearts poured out of his ears and filled the house, but he didn't care.
Charlie Brown was no longer aware of the world around him. Instead, he was floating in a blissful kaleidoscopic realm of hearts, chocolates, exotic patterns and rainbows.
Elsewhere in the house, Sally Brown asked herself, "Is it just me, or does our house suddenly smell of hot chocolate and liquid love?"
Later that Christmas Day, Linus and Schroeder were walking down the street.
They saw Charlie Brown pass them by, not walking, but FLOATING above the ground, his eyes closed in ecstasy. Linus perked up considerably at the sight.
"What's the matter with Charlie Brown?" Schroeder asked.
"From the look on his face," replied Linus, "I'd say that that Little Red-Haired Girl has just given him the second-greatest* Christmas gift of his life!"
*For the #1 Gift, see Luke 2:8-14
Lucy Van Pelt was screaming. "CHARLIE BROWN HAS A GIRLFRIEND?!"
Marching angrily, she shrieked,"How could Charlie Brown have a girlfriend when I don't even have any luck with Schroeder?"
Shaking her fist at the heavens, she growled, "Is this Your idea of a sick joke? To give Charlie Brown the girl of his dreams on Christmas Day and leave me all alone?"
Wide-eyed, she sat down despondently and said, "A psychiatrist is always upset when her patient outperforms her!"
The Little Red-Haired Girl was getting ready for the day. What have I gotten myself into? she thought to herself as she combed her luscious red hair.
The whole neighborhood hasn't stopped talking about how Charlie Brown is finally an item with his infamous Little Red-Haired Girl! She peeked out the window to make sure no one was lurking outside her house.
Now I have to wear this when I go out so I can avoid unwanted attention...she said to herself as she carefully concealed her recognizable red hair with a headscarf.
Feeling safe, she finally stepped out of her front door. Sigh...such is the price of fame!
Peppermint Patty was outside building a snowman by herself. "So the Little Red-Haired Girl is now officially Chuck's girlfriend!" she said to herself miserably.
"I suppose I'm happy for him that he's found true love, but I'm crushed!
"Sigh... there's only one thing to say when you lose to your bitter rival…"
Imitating Snoopy, she shook her fist and yelled, "Curse you, Little Red-Haired Girl!"
The headscarf-wearing Little Red-Haired Girl came across Peppermint Patty, still building her snowman. "Hi!" she said.
"Are you okay?" she asked Peppermint Patty. "You seem sad..." "Oh it's nothing, " Peppermint Patty assured her. "I'm just trying to mend a broken heart..."
The two girls began to build the snowman together. "It's strange," said Peppermint Patty, "Every single lady like myself mourns whenever an handsome, eligible bachelor goes off the market..."
"Even when that bachelor is good ol' Charlie Brown!" said Peppermint Patty, whereupon the Little Red-Haired Girl turned to the reader with a look of horror.
"So that's the story of how I lost the man of my dreams to some red-headed bimbo with feminine charms," said Peppermint Patty to the Little Red-Haired Girl, as she finished recounting her tale of woe.
"That's such a sad story, Peppermint!" the Little Red-Haired Girl said sympathetically.
"If only there was something I could do to make you feel better…" she continued. "Oh, just being here with you already makes me feel much better," said Peppermint Patty.
"Sometimes the best shoulder to cry on belongs to a total stranger!" she said.
"Thanks a lot for helping me out today, Headscarf Girl," said Peppermint Patty as she walked home with the Little Red-Haired Girl in the snow. "It was my pleasure, Peppermint," replied the Little Red-Haired Girl.
"What's your name, by the way?" asked Peppermint Patty. "Umm...Ophelia," lied the Little Red-Haired Girl.
"It's been great getting to know you, Ophelia! Shall we meet again tomorrow, same time, same place?" asked Peppermint Patty. "Of course!" agreed the Little Red-Haired Girl.
I shouldn't have lied to her, thought the Little Red-Haired Girl as they parted ways, but I'm terrified of a girl whose voice can pass for a male's!
"Good day, Ophelia!" Peppermint Patty greeted her new good friend. "Hi Peppermint!" replied the Little Red-Haired Girl.
"I've been wondering about something, Ophelia," said Peppermint Patty.
"Is there any particular reason why you always wear that headscarf? None of the other girls I know wear one," said Peppermint Patty. "Well…" said the Little Red-Haired Girl guiltily.
"Are you trying to hide something from me?" asked Peppermint Patty suspiciously.
"Please just let me see you without your headscarf for once!" Peppermint Patty pleaded. "I'm curious to know what you really look like!"
"Okay," said the Little Red-Haired Girl, "But you have to promise me you won't get mad." "I swear!" cried Peppermint Patty.
The Little Red-Haired Girl removed her headscarf, and Peppermint Patty immediately gave a loud GASP!
That's not the kind of swearing I had in mind! thought the Little-Red Haired Girl as she heard what Peppermint Patty was saying.
"YOU!" exclaimed Peppermint Patty, pointing an accusing finger at her new friend, the Little Red-Haired Girl. "YOU'RE the little witch who stole my poor Chuck's heart?" "Guilty as charged," admitted the Little Red-Haired Girl, spreading her hands.
"By golly, I should have known that someone like you would come along and wreck the future I had with Chuck…" said Peppermint Patty.
With a menacing look and clenched teeth showing, Peppermint Patty advanced on her new friend, as if ready to tear her to pieces. The Little Red-Haired Girl backed away, with palpable fear in her widening eyes. "I've spent weeks imagining all the terrible things I'd do to you if I ever found you..." Peppermint Patty threatened.
"But you're so sweet I can't bring myself to do any of it!" Peppermint Patty burst into tears and buried her face in her knees, while the Little Red-Haired Girl could do little else except give the reader a forlorn gaze.
"Look, I'm really sorry I broke your heart by agreeing to be Charlie Brown's lady..." said the Little Red-Haired Girl, trying desperately to console the sobbing Peppermint Patty.
"I'll do anything to make it up to you!" she said.
"Anything?" asked Peppermint Patty. "Anything!" promised the Little Red-Haired Girl. "In that case..." started Peppermint Patty.
"Will you let me be Charlie Brown's other woman?" asked Peppermint Patty with a hopeful grin, much to the Little Red-Haired Girl's chagrin.
Peppermint Patty walked home alone, lost in thought. "Well, that encounter with Chuck's new girlfriend went better than I expected…" she said to herself.
"She's so incredibly sweet! I can't believe she actually gave me permission to woo Chuck on the side!
"Once again I can clearly see why Chuck fell head-over-heels in love with her…
"If I were a boy, I'd be head-over-heels in love with her too!"
Peppermint Patty continued her internal monologue on her way home. "So now I'm Chuck's other woman," she said.
"I know it's a far cry from being his official significant other, but half a loaf is better than no bread.
"Although I love Chuck, I don't want to hurt his sweet girlfriend either…
"I promise to be the most principled homewrecker the world's ever seen!" she resolved.
The next day, Marcie met Peppermint Patty on the sidewalk. "Are you still having trouble accepting the fact that Chuck has a girlfriend now, sir?" asked Marcie.
"I'm making progress," replied Peppermint Patty uncomfortably. Trying to shift the burden of the conversation onto Marcie, she said, "What about you, Marcie? Didn't you fancy Chuck yourself for some time?"
"Of course I did, sir," said Marcie. "But unlike you sometimes, I know how to accept reality and move on." "So I assume you're currently looking for love elsewhere?" asked Peppermint Patty.
"Yes sir," Marcie replied. "But any funny-looking kids with big noses are OFF. LIMITS." she said, causing Peppermint Patty to turn beetroot red.
Later that day, Peppermint Patty found Charlie Brown sitting alone under their usual large tree and walked up to him. "Hello there, Chuck dearie!" she said in an uncharacteristically feminine tone.
"Hi," he replied a little uneasily. "We're all alone right now, aren't we?" she asked coyly. "I suppose so," he answered, with some hesitation.
Without warning, Peppermint Patty wrapped her arms around Charlie Brown and planted a long, slow passionate kiss on his left cheek.
As she left a shaken Charlie Brown behind, a laughing Peppermint Patty remarked, "Poor ol' Chuck, he didn't know what to do!"
The next day, Marcie confronted her best friend alone. She was clearly not happy about something. "Alright sir, spill the beans," Marcie demanded. "About what?" asked Peppermint Patty innocently.
Marcie slugged her erstwhile best friend on the shoulder, "You know what I'm talking about, you cheat! I saw you yesterday, kissing Chuck under that tree like he was some golden baseball trophy!"
"Have you lost your mind? Don't you realize that chasing Chuck is strictly a foul now?" shouted Marcie as she proceeded to give her former buddy an epic smackdown.
"When it comes to defending Chuck's honor, Marcie's suddenly a pro athlete!" exclaimed a bruised and battered Peppermint Patty.
"Marcie! Wait! I can explain everything!" cried Peppermint Patty as she chased her friend down the street.
"You're into stealing other girls' boyfriends now?" asked Marcie bitterly. "No! I've made an agreement with Chuck's girlfriend that allows me to be with him part-time!" Peppermint Patty explained.
"So what does that make you? His 'concubine girlfriend'?" asked Marcie. "Well, if you put it that way, yes!" answered Peppermint Patty thoughtfully.
"I knew the Mormons used to practice polygamy out in Utah, but this is ridiculous!" muttered Marcie as she left Peppermint Patty for home.
"Marcie!" Peppermint Patty called her friend.
"You'll never guess what Chuck's girlfriend and I thought up for April Fool's Day!" she said excitedly.
Peppermint Patty then whispered some words in Marcie's ear.
When she was finished, Marcie exclaimed, "You want ME to get involved in your messed-up relationship too now? You really are an April Fool!"
It was April Fool's Day, and both Peppermint Patty and the Little Red-Haired Girl were having a last-minute discussion beneath the large tree.
"Alright, here's the plan," Peppermint Patty told the Little Red-Haired Girl. "You've already invited Chuck to meet you here, but I'm gonna tell him you've cancelled the meeting.
"Then, I'm going to get Chuck to kiss me, and then you're going to catch us red-handed and act all mad and stuff." "Okay," said the Little Red-Haired Girl.
"Marcie's gonna record the whole thing on tape, and when we've got him we'll all shout, 'April Fool, Charlie Brown!'" "I got it," said the Little Red-Haired Girl. "Good!" said Peppermint Patty. "Now quickly go hide behind that bush over there."
It hurts to have to share my sweet Charlie Brown with Peppermint Patty and Marcie, thought the Little Red-Haired Girl, but I love him!
"I can't believe I agreed to do this," said Marcie to herself, as she nestled in the branches of the large tree, with a camcorder in her hands.
"My best friend is going to tempt Chuck to cheat on his girlfriend with her, and then Chuck's girlfriend is going to catch them in the act and pretend to be mad…
"It seems really mean both to Chuck and his girlfriend to do this, but it's okay, since this is just an April Fool's Day prank...
"It appears that all manner of perfidy and cruelty are permissible if they can be passed off as a big joke."
"Hi there, Chuck!" called Peppermint Patty, as she saw Charlie Brown come and sit in the shade of the large tree.
"Are you here all alone?" she asked him. "I'm here to see my girlfriend," he said. The tone of his voice warned Peppermint Patty that she was not welcome to stay.
"I just saw her," she told Charlie Brown. "She asked me to inform you that an issue has come up and she won't be able to come…"
"So it's just you and me here today, then!" she said cheerfully. "Good grief!" groaned Charlie Brown.
Peppermint Patty sat down beside Charlie Brown beneath the large tree and snuggled up next to him.
"Do you like me, Chuck?" she asked innocently. "I already have a girlfriend," he replied, quite testily.
"She's not here," she told him. "Here, you're free to be yourself and to open up about your true feelings."
"I don't like the way this conversation is going..." said Charlie Brown with dread.
"Kiss me, Chuck!" asked Peppermint Patty, with a shameless smile. "No!" cried Charlie Brown in horror.
"No one will ever know," she said, trying to assure him. "It's wrong!" he protested.
"It'll be our little secret," she said playfully. "I said no!" he replied, stubbornly resisting her charms.
He's going to need a lot of persuading! thought Peppermint Patty.
Peppermint Patty continued her valiant April Fool's effort to seduce Charlie Brown.
"I want you." "No." "I need you." "No!" "You're my greatest joy." "No!" "I'm all yours."
"I said, NO!" screamed Charlie Brown. "Just this once," bargained Peppermint Patty.
"Just once?" asked Charlie Brown skeptically. "Mm-hm," Peppermint Patty replied. "I swear I'll never ask you for another kiss as long as I live."
Doesn't Lucy use language like this whenever she wants me to kick that football? thought a spooked-out Charlie Brown.
At last, Peppermint Patty decided to go for broke in her attempt to seduce Charlie Brown.
"Did you know you're a babe magnet, Chuck?" she asked him. "A babe magnet?" asked Charlie Brown skeptically.
"Yes. Marcie likes you!" said Peppermint Patty, causing Charlie Brown's jaw to drop. "Marcie?!" he exclaimed in disbelief. "I like you too!" she replied.
"You may be a loser when it comes to many things, Chuck," she told the bewildered Charlie Brown.
"But when it comes to love," she declared, "You're the undisputed champ!"
Is what Peppermint Patty said true? Charlie Brown thought to himself. If it is, I'm doing much better in the love department than I ever realized...
For years I've been a perennial loser, he thought. But now it seems that girls really do like me! Do I have a knack for wooing women after all?
Have I finally found something I'm good at? he wondered, glancing down at Peppermint Patty, who was snuggled up against him now. There's only one way to find out! Charlie Brown closed his eyes and leaned in toward Peppermint Patty to plant a kiss on her right cheek.
The moment his lips touched Peppermint Patty's cheek, however, a scream rang out that turned his blood to ice. He knew that voice... "CHARLIE!" screamed the Little Red-Haired Girl, suddenly appearing from behind a bush. ...I guess not! Charlie Brown thought in dismay.
"CHARLIE!" screamed the Little Red-Haired Girl in very convincing anger. "HOW COULD YOU?" "How are - didn't you - what are you doing here?!" gasped a rudely-shocked Charlie Brown.
"I GAVE YOU MY HEART!" wailed the Little Red-Haired Girl, clutching her hands to her breast. "AND YET HERE YOU ARE, K-K-K-KISSING HER?" "Wait! I - I can explain all this!" answered a guilt-stricken Charlie Brown, scrambling for damage control.
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE MINE!" she yelled, tears streaming freely down her cheeks. "I still am!" cried Charlie Brown desperately. "If you'll give me a moment I can explain every-"
But the Little Red-Haired Girl was having none of it. Sobbing loudly, she took off running and was soon out of sight. By then, there was only one thing Charlie Brown could say. "AAUGH!" he screamed in self-reproach.
Charlie Brown couldn't stop kicking himself for his stupidity.
I cheated on my girlfriend and got caught! he thought. I'm an unmitigated idiot!
I landed the chance of a lifetime and won the girl of my dreams, but did I treasure that opportunity? No!
Instead, I got greedy and broke her heart by kissing one of my closest friends. I'm an unbelievable jerk!
Good ol' Charlie Brown? Ha! Dirty ol' Cheating Clown, more like!
I hate myself, thought the Little Red-Haired Girl mournfully as she walked home alone.
I felt so sorry for Peppermint Patty when she lost my dear Charlie Brown to me, that I agreed to share him with her, and with Marcie too.
I thought I would be able to control my jealousy, but when the real moment came and he actually kissed her, I couldn't...I couldn't stop myself!
I don't have room in my heart for a sister wife!
Meanwhile, back at the tree, Marcie and Peppermint Patty were discussing the results of their work.
"You did great, Marcie!" said Peppermint Patty, holding the video tape recording of the prank. "Thank you, sir," Marcie replied.
"This is the greatest April Fool's prank ever played!" gushed Peppermint Patty. "There's just one thing that bugs me about it, sir," said Marcie.
"Yes?" Peppermint Patty asked. "Judging by Chuck' girlfriend's reaction," said Marcie,"I don't think she was acting."
"YOU'RE GOSH DARN RIGHT!" shouted the angrily weeping Little Red-Haired Girl, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
Charlie Brown rang the doorbell to the Little Red-Haired Girl's house. In his mind, he was rehearsing the contrite apology he had prepared to give his jilted lover.
My sweetheart, please forgive me. It was just one time, and I wasn't thinking straight! I was an idiot, and you have every right to be angry...
Suddenly the door opened and the Little Red-Haired Girl's mother answered the door.
She's not at home... Charlie Brown realized with gloom as he walked away.
Charlie Brown walked back to the large tree where it had taken place.
Once there, he yelled, "Curse you, infernal tree, under which I kissed another girl!"
He continued, "Curse you from your roots, to your branches, to your…" But before he could finish his curse, he heard a familiar voice that made him pause. "Charlie?"
"Charlie?" asked the Little Red-Haired Girl sadly, stepping out from behind the same bush as she had earlier.
"My love!" cried Charlie Brown as he ran to her. "Please, I'm so sorr-"
"No, Chuck," said Peppermint Patty as she too stepped out from behind the bush with Marcie. "WE'RE sorry."
"Peppermint Patty? Marcie? Why are you with-? I-I don't understand..." said Charlie Brown, sad and puzzled.
"APRIL FOOL, Charlie Brown," all three girls said sorrowfully.
"...So that's the whole story, Chuck," said Peppermint Patty, as she finished recounting the three girls' sordid tale to their unhappy victim.
"So just because you and Marcie were upset that I chose her to be my girlfriend, you worked out an arrangement where all three of you could have a share of me?" asked Charlie Brown with a mix of awe, admiration and terror.
"We thought it would be funny at first, Charles," said Marcie. "You are such a gentleman that making you cheat seemed like fun. But we took it way too far."
"Hearts are not toys to be played with," said the Little Red-Haired Girl, with a tear in her eye.
"I guess we've all learned a good lesson today," said Charlie Brown.
"Relationships are a serious business and cheating is no laughing matter," he added.
"We have to let go of unrequited love," said Peppermint Patty with resolve. "Making someone compromise their principles is a despicable act," continued Marcie.
"And every couple should learn how to forgive and forget," said the Little Red-Haired Girl, taking Charlie Brown's hand and cracking a smile despite her tears.
Some time later, Linus and Charlie Brown were walking down the street, discussing the aftermath of Charlie Brown's latest love life fiasco.
"So your relationship with the Little Red-Haired Girl is back to normal?" asked Linus hopefully.
"Yes," said Charlie Brown gratefully. "We've kissed and made up, our love is stronger than ever, and thank goodness we can finally put that disgraceful episode behind us forever."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," said Linus worriedly. "Can you imagine what, say, my big sister would do with this story if she caught wind of it?"
"Well, if that happens, my beloved and I will face it together," replied Charlie Brown, with firm resolve in his voice. "We're ready for anything."
Lucy Van Pelt cradled the precious video tape close to her heart. Through a combination of providence and determination, she now held dirt on "Good ol' Charlie Brown" in her hands and she knew it.
Who knew she would happen to overhear Charlie Brown's heart-to-heart with the three girls at the large tree on April Fool's Day?
It had thereafter been a relatively simple matter to tail Marcie and salvage the incriminating tape from her garbage can. The blackmail possibilities it presented were endless.
"Charlie Brown, oh Charlie Brown!" she cooed lovingly to the tape as she held it against her cheek like a pillow. "You're gonna make me so RICH!"
FIN.
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