Disclaimer: I don't own RK or anything that's worth anything. :P
Envy
Sometimes, when I lie awake at night on my futon and just try not to think of anything, I end up thinking about you, and him, and me, and this imaginary triangle that I know really isn't.
It's sort of confusing, I suppose. I like to be able to hack at my problems until they go away, but I can't hack at you because, well, you're dead. Besides, Kenshin would take offence if I tried to hack at you. And I don't think it would work out so well anyway.
I never saw you, or knew you, or talked to you before, but I've got this picture in my mind of the perfect little Japanese woman with the perfect hair and the perfect figure and the perfect attitude. All the things I don't have. Because, once I think about it, Kenshin shouldn't like me at all. I'm just a sweaty orphaned tomboy with a big dojo and a bigger heart.
Maybe this is why Sano says I shouldn't think so much.
When I think a little less about it, I notice that, underneath it all, I'm jealous. There's so much for me to be jealous of that's real that I don't even have to have that perfect image to make me seem shoddy in comparison. Kenshin needed you. He cherished you. He loved you.
And you shouldn't have loved him, but you did anyway. I don't know if even I could do that- love someone who I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, had killed my fiancé in cold blood. I don't know if I could do that.
But if you hadn't…
And then when I compare myself to what I know about you, superimposed on that perfect picture in my mind, I know that I will never ever be worthy of Kenshin. Never.
So, you see, it's all backwards and messed up. He and I both have inferiority complexes, and we will both die alone.
At least you died in his arms.
I envy you.
AN: I am working on Shockwaves, I swear. I had to go through my old files on my computer and found this and decided, "What the hey." So, here you go.
Updates… hopefully within a month. Maybe. School is eating me alive. -cough-