Faith, Hope, Love and Living

You can do everything right, but even sometimes the guy still dies…

Sam looked downward as he leaned against the Impala. They had stopped for the night and he had taken some time to be alone. The last case had him rattled since it was just one more thing on top of everything going on with Dean and the Mark, what he had done and the numbing complication regarding his wife.

You're thinking too much with the head.

… but even sometimes… the guy still dies…

Maybe he was thinking about things too much but… He had tried. Honestly he did. God knew he wanted nothing more than to save people if he could. If there was a chance, he wanted to take it and he tried but… Kit was dead and now his widow had to live with the truth and sell the lie since honestly who would believe that her husband had been possessed by a monster? Things seemed to have just become harder and Sam didn't know what to do about it.

Dean had said to stop researching since they had been over everything with a fine tooth comb about the Mark of Cain. Sam wasn't giving up though. He wasn't going to lose his brother if there was a fighting chance to save him. Dean would do the same for him so why can't he do the same back? Because he fucked it up every time and anything he did manage to do it wasn't enough and all that came with it was disappointment and failure.

Sam stared at the ground, not really seeing it and mulled over his internal thoughts. He was so absorbed that he didn't notice someone joined him until he felt a familiar arm wrap around his arm, linking it at the elbow since his hands were in his jacket pockets. He looked to see the one person who occupied his thoughts amongst other things and gave a smile, earning one in return. "Hey."

Angela leaned into Sam as she took a seat leaning against the Impala. Her head rested on his shoulder, her long locks arranged in a loose braid over her left shoulder. Her eyes closed as she replied, "Thinking again?"

Sam tilted his head to rub his cheek slightly on her head. He breathed in the scent of wild roses; the scent that always seemed to calm him no matter what. "Pretty much and like you say… way too much."

"Only because you overthink things sometimes," Angela replied softly still keeping her eyes closed. "Sometimes I wish people thought more before they act. Can save people from heartache most of the time."

"Not always."

Angela hummed at that, knowing what Sam meant. It was why she had come out in the first place. That and she felt compelled to soothe her mate as he had done for her over the years. "No, not always," she agreed.

Sam blinked and tilted his head to look at her resting her head on his shoulder. "You think I did everything to save Kit?"

Angela slowly opened her eyes and straightened up to look at Sam. She didn't let him go though, but used her free hand to rub the crook of his elbow. "What do you think, Sam?"

Sam looked away and down at the ground. He had tried. "I tried, Angie. Honest to God I did."

"Then I believe you did."

Sam looked at her and noted her acceptance; there was no judgment on her face. "Seriously? Angie… we…"

Angela lifted her left and began to caress his cheek. Her thumb gently grazed over the stubble as she breathed softly. "It is hard. Believe me I know. But Dean is right. Sometimes you can do everything right but… It sucks."

Sam looked at her as she gazed up at him studying his features. It was a quirk she had acquired since coming back from Purgatory and he didn't blame her. What happened there, he could only imagine and certain things she did was to reassure herself of reality. His focus though was on her words. She would know what it felt like. How often had she revealed pieces of her past to him and Dean and the choices she made then? It was enough to make anyone feel like a grade A douche but that was never her intention and he knew that.

She was trying to make a point. He got that. Taking his right hand out of his jacket pocket, he put his hand over the one caressing his cheek. "It does suck," he replied, "And it scares me."

"Why?"

Normally such a question would have annoyed Sam but when she asked, it didn't. He had learned long ago that it was meant to help especially when he couldn't stop seeing Lucifer. Sometimes it stepped on an area that he wasn't quite ready to divulge and she respected that but in the end… hardly any secrets were between them. Sighing, he replied, "It scares me because… I might lose Dean… and you."

Angela let Sam take her hand in his and looked down to watch his fingers rub it. "About the Mark?"

"The Mark, what it's doing to you… the other thing…" Sam paused to take a breath. Then he let it out, "I'm just afraid that I'm going to do everything that can be done and I'll lose you both. I can't do that. I can't lose you."

Angela blinked as Sam pressed his forehead to hers after his declaration. She knew full well what her year in Purgatory did to him and he knew her reaction when she perceived him and Dean to be in some sort of harm. This last job really had them all thinking.

Dean had been struggling with his demons on a daily basis. She knew that because of the measures she took when they caught him when he was a demon. Sam was struggling with how to help his brother and with what he had done to find Dean. It was the tough times that had them think about things and where to go from there. The tough calls were what made the difference and the sad thing was, she would make them regardless because it was right. But she was also selfish too.

Taking a breath, she replied softly, "I know. I am afraid too."

"I'm tired of being a failure, Angie. I'm tired of fucking things up." Sam sighed as took a sniff of her scent. "Everything I've done, even if it is the right thing… I fuck it up. Dean does the right thing and it looks noble."

"You don't fuck everything up, Sam. If you did, then I wouldn't be here."

"It's not the same."

"It is so." Her words were gentle and held more impact than someone shouting at him. "Sam, when you rescued me from Carter… you did the right thing in trusting Austin. It would have been easy to use the Venator and his methods. It would definitely have been easy to make a deal with Crowley and the sealing the gates of Hell."

Sam got what she was saying. "The right thing was not losing myself."

"Sometimes the right thing is not as black and white as it seems. Hell I think just you knowing me falls into that." Angela couldn't help but give a little smile. It was slight but helpful. "Doing the right thing… it's not always going to end happy. I once told Mac the same thing when he went through a guilt trip after Altay. He did everything right. What happened… bad luck."

"Is it luck?"

"Can't think of anything else to call it. The point is… as long as you consider your options carefully and make the choice with what you have…"

"Things happen. This what you mean when you talked about learning to live with it?"

"Always knew you were the smart one," Angela replied with a teasing smile. She sobered and continued, "Things are going to happen, Sam. The best we can do is to use what we have, keep searching and… have a little faith."

"You think we can get rid of the Mark?"

"I have faith that there is an answer out there. I aim to find it. You?"

Sam studied the woman who had been to hell and back literally and figuratively. She had stood by him and Dean despite the accusations, the attempts on their lives and all the crap they went through. Even when she almost broke under the strain, she kept fighting, and it was humbling and encouraging. In return, he stood by her. He nodded, "Yes."

Angela smiled up at him. "We'll find a way Sam. The answer isn't always immediate but we'll get there."

"Have a little faith," he offered with a shy smile.

"And a bit of hope."

"And love. It can fix the most wrecked of things." Sam offered it with a slight shrug. He couldn't help but give a chuckle of a sigh. "You always find a way to remind me."

"You do the same. We all do and it's why I believe we will find a way," Angela replied as she leaned up to kiss his cheek. "Together."

"Always and forever." Sam nodded. It still sucked that they hadn't been able to save Kit and he was still afraid that for all his efforts he would still end up losing those what mattered the most. And yet, he had to keep going. If there was a chance, he would look for it and he would do it with her. He gave her a kiss back. "Thanks."

"Always."

Nothing more was said as they stood outside looking up at the stars. Where they went from there… Sam didn't know. True that he could do the right thing and things went to hell but… Angela was right in that you just had to go with what you had at the time. Only then could he live with himself and he had to believe that there was hope for his brother. Faith, hope, love and just live.

A/N: Just some of Sam's thoughts after Dean admits a saddening truth. At least Angie understands. In honor of episode 15. Thanks for reading.