Disclaimer: I do not own Castlevania, Soma, Alucard, Julius, Yoko, Hammer, Mina, the Skeletons, the Yeti, or even the damned car.
Yoru: Hello! I am sick with a cold/allergy thingy and spent my day reading crackfics. So now I am in a cracky-ficcy mood. And I thought, what are the f-ing vans and the car doing in the Lost Village? Are they the Skeletons'? The Peeping Eye's? Wait, ha-ha, no hands. They probably belong to Hammer and Co, but since I don't know…
Kuronue: She's rambling…
Yoru: Grrr. Anywho, I decided to let Soma drive…heh-heh-heh…and have Arikado/Alucard be in the passenger seat. Resulting in terror and crack. I love that word. Crack. Cracky cracky crack crack crack crack…
Kuronue: This fic is very OOC…unless you also have noticed the things about Soma and Alucard that Yoru's warped little mind did.
Yoru: (sitting on the floor, smiling merrily) Crack crack crack…
Kuronue: (rolls eyes) It's gotta be the medication…
"RETREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT!!!" shrieked Soma.
Soma Cruz and Genya Arikado sped through the Lost Village, chased by hordes of Skeletons, who were throwing random bones (that come out of absolutely nowhere) at them.
"Soma! Head for the car!" Arikado called out, looking over his shoulder at the rapidly closing space between Soma and the Skeletons.
"Where…did…the…car…come…from?" panted Soma as he spotted it.
"I do not know! Just get in!"
Mercifully, the car was unlocked. Soma yanked the door to the driver's seat open and gave a prayer of thanksgiving to the Gods that the keys were in the ignition. Arikado vaulted over the car's roof and slid gracefully into the randomly open passenger window.
"Go, now," he said calmly to the still-praying Soma. Soma glared at him.
"Do not interrupt me."
"Do you want to die?" growled Arikado, again calmly.
"No."
"Then go, now." Calmly once more.
Soma started up the car and floored the gas pedal just as the hundreds of thousands of Skeletons reached them. Arikado leaned back against the seat…and then jumped out of it to grab the steering wheel as Soma nearly hit a building.
"How did you not see that? It is right in front of you!" he snarled. Soma grinned sheepishly.
"Now you know why I let Mina drive."
"…You do not know how?"
"Nope." The car promptly smashed through the "Do Not Enter" sign at the beginning of the Lost Village.
The Yeti, walking around randomly on the other side of the fence, arched an eyebrow but decided not to waste his highly amusing exclamation point on a careening car.
Arikado grasped at the wheel, trying to get the car in control. Soma looked down at the pedals. His foot was on the right one, so if he put it on the left one…
He did. Ooo, it was the brake pedal! Because the car's anti-lock brakes caused it to come to a shuddering halt instead of a sudden one, Arikado did not fly through the windshield. He climbed out of the car and went to sit on a nearby log.
With a shimmer, his clothes changed into black armor and a red velvet-lined cape. His sword was visible at his side. His glossy, curly hair spilled out over his manly, broad shoulders. Immediately Soma was at his side, picking up the shining locks and examining them.
"Ooo…pretty…" he mused. Arikado sighed.
"Soma, never frighten me like that again."
"Who are you?" Soma asked.
"I am Alucard." Arikado, now revealed as Alucard, said gravely.
"As in Dracula's son, Alucard?"
"Yes," Alucard said gravely.
"As in Dracula's son who killed him but really didn't want to and went to sleep for hundreds of years, Alucard?"
"Yes," Alucard said gravely.
"…so, since I have Dracula's soul in mine, does that make you my son?"
"No," Alucard said gravely.
"Are you sure? Seems kind of fishy to me."
"Yes, I am sure," Alucard said, again, gravely.
"Hey, Alucard, say 'freeeeeeeeeeeow!'"
"Freeeeeeeeeeeow," Alucard said gravely.
Soma then fell on the ground as a chibi and laughed hysterically because Alucard had managed to say something as ridiculous as 'freeeeeeeeeeeow' gravely.
Alucard glared at him gravely, "Soma, this is no time for laughter."
"Oh, lighten up, son!"
"I am not your son."
"Sure you are!"
"I am not. Now get up and come on."
Soma sat up and glared at Alucard, "Come where?"
"Back to the castle. You wanted to help defeat Celia, did you not?"
"…why did I want to do that again?"
"Because she attacked your girlfriend, Mina." Alucard stood and stretched.
"She's not my girlfriend! I've tried and tried to tell you people that! How can you not see by my girly clothes and the way I flip my girly hair that I'm GAY?!? Every time you people tease me about Mina I can't help but blush and freak out because I didn't want to tell you but I didn't want you to think I was with her, either! I'm so girly and I flame so fiercely! How can you not just TELL?!?"
Silence.
"What?"
"I'm gay! I like men!"
"Oh. Okay. Whatever." Even that managed to sound grave, coming from Alucard. Suddenly Alucard noticed the blood flowing from Soma's thigh.
"You are injured."
"Naw, really?" Soma snapped.
"Why did you say nothing earlier?"
"I dunno."
Alucard rolled his eyes and pulled a bandage from under his cape somewhere. Going to Soma, he began wrapping the bandage tightly around the wound. Soma winced.
"To keep your mind off the pain, tell me who you have a crush on," Alucard said gravely, for lack of a better subject.
"Well, it was you until I found out you were my son."
Alucard accidentally jerked on the bandage, making Soma cry out.
"OW! What was that for?"
"I am NOT YOUR SON!" Alucard snapped…gravely?
"Oh. Good." Soma sat quietly for the rest of the bandaging. After he was done, Alucard went back to the car.
"Come along. We have much to do. But I am not letting you drive."
"Okay." Soma climbed into the passenger seat and admired how Alucard had to situate his manly, broad shoulders into the little space of the driver's seat. Once situated, Alucard turned on the gas and they began the short trip back to the castle.
"So wanna go out sometime?" Soma asked after a moment. Alucard slammed on the brakes.
"What?"
"I said, do you wanna go out sometime?"
"Is this really the time?"
"No, but that's okay. So do you wanna?"
"…sure. Why not?" Alucard resumed driving, and then Soma slammed into him, wrapping his arms around his waist.
"YOU DO LIKE ME!" he shrieked.
Alucard promptly ran the car into the already-broken "Do Not Enter" sign at the beginning of the Lost Village.