A few notes for you before you read...

Firstly, this beginning of this chapter recaps a lot of the episode "Call of Duty", because I found that a lot of the dialogue and interactions between the characters in this ep was essential for establishing certain relationships in this fic.

Secondly, this is a Christmas story. Probably doesn't seem like it now, but it will be. Gotta start of somewhere! And unfortunately I know it won't be done in time for Christmas. Sowwy guys. Should have started this fic sooner!

Thirdly, Juice's depression this season just has got me all fangirl. I can't help but keep writing about it. Poor guy is gonna have a major case of PTSD if he makes it out of this season alive...

And lastly, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing this chapter :)

Christmas for Cowboys

Prologue

Back in the cities, they have diff'rent ways

Football and eggnog and Christmas parades

I'll take a blanket; I'll take the reins;

Christmas for cowboys and wide open plains

December 11th, 2011

"Shit, stop! Mines!"

Everyone froze. Their hearts pounded as the click and whine of a detonating mine pierced the air, and they all went cold, the situation suddenly very real and very terrifying. Juice's breath escaped him harshly, his stomach tightened painfully, and he looked around wildly, trying to identify the source of the tone.

The explosion shattered the air around them, throwing them hard into the dirt as Kozik was suddenly gone in a shower of earth and debris. Juice didn't even have time to react to the thought of it before a dismembered arm hit his chest and the smell of burnt flesh filled his nostrils.

Shots erupted around them as the Sons and Galindo men opened fire against the Lobo's. Juice's mind was frozen, and a low moan escaped his throat. He couldn't breath. Kozik was gone. They were sitting ducks in the open field, alone, and all he could think about were his now two dead brothers. How was he still alive when he was the only one deserving of death?

"Juice!" Clay called over to him desperately as the Lobo's shots got ever closer to where they ducked.

Half-heartedly, he got to his knees and pulled the trigger of his automatic, empty shell casings spraying his legs as he fired into the enemy's territory. He had to defend his president and his brothers. Rockets suddenly soared over his head; his eyes were blank and empty, and he kept his fire steady as he literally lived his worst nightmare.

"Can you retrace your steps?" Jax shouted from across the plain.

They had won the firefight, but it was no clean victory. Lobo bodies littered the ground, all fatally wounded and disgustingly maimed. Juice had a fleeting thought that using the Irish's weapons would come back to haunt them, but that thought was pushed away as he glanced back down again at Koz's charred arm. He swallowed hard, trying his best not to throw up.

Clay cleared his throat. "Yeah, I think so."

"One at a time. Slow!" Chibs said.

"Juice," Clay said to him and motioned to himself and Romeo, "Follow behind us."

"No," And he was already walking forward, pale and shaking, "I got it."

"What are you doing?" He heard Clay call from behind him.

His footsteps fell heavily against the dirt and rubble. He couldn't shake the thought Koz... dead Koz.

"Juice!"

"Juice!" His brothers were calling his name, but they sounded far away, like someone had stuffed his ears with cotton.

In his war games, mines were always hidden; around corners, covered by brush, and so he stepped purposely on the rocks, dragged his foot against the disturbed ground, and hit his knees against the scrubs, grinding forward.

"Hey! Easy!" Chibs' voice was panicked now, and the man knew he was watching what surmounted to be the boy attempting to take his life once again.

Juice reached this brothers much quicker than he should have and he slowly turned back to Clay and Romeo, his voice scratchy and depressed.

"Clear."

And then he kept walking, head down, breath ragged, and he missed the incredulous glance between Jax and Chibs as they stared him down.

When he heard that Koz had a brother back in San Diego, he felt his eyes welling up again; he turned around and walked back to the warehouse so his brothers couldn't see his trembling lips as he tried to hold in his budding tears. He made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up the Cookie Crisp cereal he had eaten that morning.

No sooner had he opened the bathroom door to leave that someone was pushing him back inside and against the wall, hard.

Chibs' eyes met his as he shut the door.

"What the hell was that today?"

Juice shrank backwards. He hadn't even had time to think of an excuse before the other man was continuing.

"Was that another attempt to swing from a tree? You told me you were okay!"

"I-I am. I was just trying to make sure that they were..." He couldn't continue, because Chibs' stoic glare could see right through his facade, and he broke. "Kozik, man. Shit."

Collapsing onto the toilet lid, he tried to hold back his cries but Chibs' gentle hand took his shoulder, and the touch of his brother that believed in him so much tore him into pieces. He wept with shudders that shook him to the core and he buried his face into his hands.

"Jesus Christ," He heard Chibs murmur, "What's gotten into you boy? Tell me."

"The..." He swallowed hard, and finally looked up to Chibs, "The sheriff found out some shit when he was digging into my profile. And he's threatening me with it."

"Threatening you how?"

"He says that he'll... He says he'll tell the club unless I start giving him intel." He kept stalling, hoping that Chibs would stop asking.

"Tell the club what? What does he have on you?"

There wasn't a way out any more. No more cover ups or places to hide his secrets. Here he was, open and vulnerable to the man that meant the most to him, who was asking him to tell him the secret that would most definitely drive him away. Juice looked down, unable to look at him anymore as more tears fell. "My dad... He's black."

"So?"

His eyes flew open, his heart stopped, and he looked at him incredulously, "The rules! He tells the club, I'm out!" Juice looked up at Chibs in desperation, his body trembling violently.

The man took a deep breath and said calmly, "What does your paperwork say? Your birth certificate. Under race, which box is checked?"

"Hispanic." Juice said, wiping his face of his tears, still not understanding what he was trying to get at.

"Hispanic?"

Juice nodded earnestly, and he still couldn't believe that Chibs hadn't gone apeshit on him.

"Then that's what you are," Chibs told him softly, "Half of us don't know who the hell our fathers are. The paperwork is the only thing that counts!"

And it hit Juice hard, like a ton of bricks in the pit of his stomach. All of this could have been avoided if only he hadn't been so dense; Miles would still be alive, he wouldn't be Potter's puppet, he wouldn't have betrayed the only people in his life that he had ever cared about.

"Shit," Chibs murmured, "This is why you tried offing yourself? Jesus Christ, boy."

If only his brother knew the full story.

Chibs smiled at him, and pulled him to his feet. "Ah, you're an idiot. But I promise this is going to be okay."

All Juice could do was nod; he was numb.

"Listen to me. You tell that sheriff next time you see him, that he can go and suck your daddy's big black cock. And there's not a goddamn thing he can do to you, yeah?"

"Yeah."

The sound of his alarm broke the stillness in the room, and he went cold as Chibs looked at him with questions in his eyes.

"I gotta, uh, take my antibiotics," He thought off the top of his head, pulling off a convincing smile as he pointed to his bruised throat.

"Good," Chibs placed his hands on the his shoulders, a gentle touch that only a father could give. It took all his willpower not to let his tears flow again. "It's time you heal this, you understand? No more. No more, Juicy."

"Okay." He managed to say, and the other man pulled him in for a loving embrace.

"I love you, my brother."

"Love you. Thank you brother."

"Couple of guys hugging in a bathroom, shit." Chibs teased him and let go, and patted his shoulder one last time before leaving.

Juice remained still until the door shut, leaving him alone and dazed. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and fumbled for his cell phone in his pocket. A missed call from a number he didn't recognize was the first notification he came to. Knowing it must have been the sheriff or Potter he dialed it, knowing too well of the consequences of not answering back right away. He was in too deep, and he knew there was no way out.

It rang twice before it was answered.

"Hey, baby." The voice was deep and masculine and so unmistakable that Juice was suddenly so frozen to the spot that he couldn't speak, let alone think to hang up the call.

"I'm gonna shoot your pretty little VP's wife if you hang up this phone. You do as I say, Juicy, and no one will get hurt." Dion's voice was cold and harsh, unlike the sickly seductive one he had once heard back in Stockton.

How was he still alive? He chest tightened, "Don't - don't hurt her. Don't hurt Tara."

"She's sitting on the floor with the baby. Reading to him. Your prospect is in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal. He's slow, won't be hard to get past his fat ass - "

"Stop. Stop," Juice said, "What do you want?"

Dion laughed, "You're gonna meet at Charming Heights at midnight, honey. Alone. We've got some shit to discuss."

He was speechless.

"You're gonna tell your friends that you went to visit your family. Say you don't know when you'll be back. You got it?"

"Y-yeah."

The line went dead and Juice's shaking fingers closed his phone.

He couldn't risk the only thing that Jax cared about in this world. He couldn't risk one of the only women even he himself had ever trusted; Tara was the sister he never had. What would his brothers think if she was hurt - even killed - and they found out their rat brother could have stopped it? He couldn't afford another person killed by his own hands.

His wish of death earlier that day struck him strangely. Maybe his prayers would be answered tonight.