… because there's really no need to waste a couple of days reading 2,000+ pages of nothing.
The footnotes are for people who actually have /not/ read Twilight, the lucky bastards. :D
Twilight
Bella: -human-
Edward: -sparkly vampire-
B&E: -fall in "love" (a.k.a. obsession)-
Other vampire: Rawr.
Edward: -kills-
B&E: -go to prom-
New Moon
Jasper (1): -bloodlust-
Edward: Me no heart you, Bella.
Cullens (2): -leave-
Bella: -Enoby Dark'Ness Dementoid Raven Whatsit- (3)
Jacob (4): -werewolf-
Bella: -jumps off cliff-
Edward: -suicidal-
Bella: -miraculously not dead, the bitch- -saves him-
Edward & co: -come back-
Eclipse
Vampire a.k.a. Vicky: Rawr.
Cullens & werewolves: -band together to fight Vicky-
Bella: -slut- (5)
Vicky: -dead-
Jacob: -runs away-
Breaking Dawn
B&E: -marry-
B&E: -honeymoon!sex-
Bella: OMFG im preggerzzz!!!1!11!!!11 && I want to keep the spawn even though it's killing me and shit.
Jacob: -makes new pack-
Bella: -gives birth to mutant spawn-
Jacob: -imprints (6) on said mutant spawn-
Bella: -sparkly vampire who amazingly can control bloodlust because she's, lyk, purrfeeeekkkkkt-
The "plot" of the last few books (the E/B/J love triangle): -poof-
Volturi (vampire Nazis, a.k.a. the need for a new plot): Rawr, mutant spawn.
Lots of vampires with weird names: -come-
Bella: -shield-
Alice & Jasper (7): -find another mutant-
Other mutant spawn, a.k.a. Nahuel: -saves the day-
Everybody except Leah (8): -happily ever after-
Footnotes
(1) A non-biological brother of Edward's.
(2) Edward's vampire family.
(3) My Immortal reference. (Some angsty emo "goffick" girl—Google "worst fanfiction ever.")
(4) Bella's old childhood friend.
(5) "Loves" Edward and Jacob.
(6) Mystical werewolfy love connection.
(7) Non-biological siblings of Edward's; Cullens.
(8) Leah's a werewolf. Excuse me, shape-shifter.
-gets out recently dry-cleaned flame retardant suit- Bring it, haters.
-1/25/09 EDIT: Thanks to Em for pointing out that I left out Bella turning. I thought I included that. Guess not. (I added it. Yeah.)-