Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I claim to own, any aspect of the Twilight series created by the amazing Arizona woman Stephenie Meyer. I make no profit from this story, it is only my imagination running wild with me yet again.
I sat quietly, as I had during the past weeks, on the seemingly-too-small couch in Sam and Emily's living room as Emily bustled about the house doing odd tasks here and there, never staying in one place for too long. I could only guess that she did so to keep herself busy, keeping her thoughts off the wolves patrolling, searching to fight off Victoria.
I was so lost in my thoughts that it took me a few moments to realize that she had sat next to me, and when I looked at her she was lacing up her sneakers.
"Are we going somewhere?" The words came out before I even consciously thought of them. She nodded, waiting until she was done before speaking. "Sam said it would be okay. I have to go into Forks to the grocery store. It usually happens more often, but with them being gone all the time now..." her voice fell off as we both worried for our wolves. "Sue is letting us use her car, though she is staying here to hold down the fort, and also watch Billy." She explained, grabbing our coats from the back of the couch. I slipped mine on quickly, following her through the chilly, yet normal, air of the Forks area to Sue Clearwater's minivan.
The ride into Forks was quiet; I listened to the radio that must've been set by either Leah or Seth, because I couldn't picture Sue listening to the normal teenage favorite, alternative rock. It wasn't long before we pulled into the lot and went inside. Emily grabbed a cart and started at isle one, going through them all eventually.
In isle seven I saw Angela and stopped to talk to her for a few minutes while Emily finished the shopping. I felt bad when I had to tell her I couldn't come back to her place to hang out today. It must've been easy to see the guilt because Angela assured me that it was fine before we parted to find our shopping mates. Mine was easy to find, loading the little leftover space, sufficiently overflowing the cart, with cartons of eggs. I rushed to help.
"I can hold some stuff." I offered, but she simply shook her head. "I'm done anyway." She said, and we carefully headed for the checkout. She was being unusually quiet today, and if it were anyone else I would've been happy. However, quiet with Emily seemed to feel wrong. The grocer, who I recognized as a senior named Kristen, rang up our load, eyes bulging. It came to somewhere upwards of 150 dollars and just as I was about to pull out some of my own money, Emily pulled out two bills and handed them to the awed girl. She got the correct change for us and we rolled the cart out, bags hanging from our arms as well. Once they were all in the back of the van, we got in and she started the vehicle up.
However, instead of leaving the lot, Emily turned to stare at me. After all the time I'd been spending with her, not staring at her scars had become easier. However, without the perpetual smile on her face, they were darker in a way, making her seem dangerous. I sighed. I should've know something was coming from how quiet she'd been all day.
My sigh seemed to make her hesitate, but she soon proceeded. "Please, don't hate me for this. I'm just... Curious. I want to understand." She started. Uh-oh. When someone started like that, the conversation ALWAYS turned into a living, breathing land mine. I didn't like where this was going. She took a deep breath, and it seemed to steady her. "I just... Wanted to know HOW you could love... him." I sighed. It was a bad conversation, but not the one I'd been fearing. It was probably made better by the fact that Jake had clearly gotten to her, and she didn't say the name.
I frowned. It was still, however, a difficult conversation. I could feel a tug at one end of the stitches Jake had managed to use on my splintered heart. "It... I don't understand what exactly you're wanting to know." I said finally. I didn't want her to get too specific, but I wasn't about to tell her everything she wasn't wanting to know, just to hurt myself.
Her eyebrows creased slightly. "Ah... I mean, isn't it... Difficult? He doesn't have a heart to love you back with." She explained. I cringed, the last sentance ripping out the stitches and reshattering my healing heart. However, I was just as determined to keep my pain to myself, so I forged on through the nearly-physical pain.
"That's all a matter of opinion. I personally think ALL of them have hearts. EDWARD'S is quite possibly the biggest of them all. you haven't tried to see them from any point of view different from your own previously made, WRONG one." The words came out snippier than I'd intended. It took me a few moments in the silence of the van to realize that I'd said his name and I wasn't in any more pain from it.
A sigh brought my eyes to her face. The smile I found there raised one of my brows. "You're right." Was all she said. I stared for a few moments, deliberating over whether I had lost my mind, or possible fallen into another dimension. The smile faded a bit, but her cheeks still rose with it. It started to rain as I waited for her to speak.
"I... Haven't tried to see the Cullens in any way other than the enemies of Sam. But, now that I think about it, I should've been, in total contrast from my attitude, thanking them for what has happened. I wouldn't have Sam right now if it weren't for them." She explained. A pained look came across her face. "I don't like the way it had to happen. I realise that up until now, I've been blaming them for that. It's not their fault." She said quietly, nearly whispering. I stared openly now. She turned to look at me again, and her expression had lifted, just barely a hint of the earlier pain left.
"I still don't understand everything, though. How did everything not bother you? I mean... All the differences between them and humans, did they not make you uneasy in the slightest?" She questioned, pure curiosity in her dark eyes. I sighed. This was quite possibly the hardest question to answer.
"Well yes... But also no. Not really, in the way that you mean. Nothing disgusted or disturbed me. I didn't care that they eat... Different things than us. Not even in the beginning." I answered, knowing that was her key concern. We were quiet again as she pulled out of park and left the parking lot for main street. She took a small breath, alerting me that she was going to speak again.
"What about everything else? Like, their speed, their skin? Their unnatural looks?" She questioned, seemingly easier with the subject now that she was looking at it differently and I wasn't angry with her. I thought for a moment as I organized what I was going to say.
"Well yeah, that stuff... Unnerved me a bit. But... By the time I really understood them, I already knew I couldn't change the path I was on, I couldn't take it back and ignore them." I explained. A pang of longing stabbed through me as I remembered his anger when I'd told him the same thing. I'd give anything to just be stuck in that moment.
However, Emily was speaking again. I struggled to catch up to her. "...you mean? You couldn't, or you wouldn't?" She was questioning my decision. I frowned and thought for a moment on how to answer in a way that she would understand. She would probably get what I felt better than anyone else, she was in the same position as me. A normal human, in love with a mythical creature. I cringed slightly, the pain coming back as I realized that there was one difference. Her mythical creature loved her back. She was enough for him. I spoke to distract myself.
"Sort of both. I made a choice, he gave me the chance to make a choice. But, as well as I knew that he would leave if I decided I didn't want to be a part of it, I knew that I... Wouldn't be able to take it if that happened." Though I had answered to take my mind off of the pain, it only got stronger, cracking my voice a few times.
The last sentance seemed to alert her to my pain. She looked over at me and swerved suddenly into a gas station. The overhang protected us from the rain, and I only realized when the background noise was gone that it had gotten harder, heavier. She didn't get out, though she parked at a pump. Frowning, she turned to me.
"I... I just can't imagine how much pain you're in. It would tear me apart to be away from Sam." She whispered, pain in her eyes at just the thought, and I wondered if that was a reflection of my own face, the pain clearly evident though I couldn't see it to be sure. I felt the pain root deeper in me as I was reminded of how happy she always was when he was with her. She seemed to read the reasoning for this new pain in my eyes, new pain crinkling her forehead and narrowing her own eyes. Her lips were now turned down, and the intense frown seemed to transform her face, emphasizing her scars. She now appeared to be just a shell, a mask of grief.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't... I had no clue that I was... I just didn't know that we were putting you further into pain." She whispered, choking and stumbling over the words. I sighed and turned my eyes out to the strip of sky I could see past the gas station overhang. "I know," Was all I could force out. It was quiet for a few minutes until she turned the minivan off. She got out slowly, her limbs pulled down by the sheer gravity of her remorse.
I tried to collect myself as she pumped the gas as slowly as she could manage. She went in and paid, coming out with another bag, probably some snacks for us. We rarely ate with the boys, they finished off enough food on their own. It was silent as she again turned on the minivan and headed back to La Push.
"The only other thing that really bothered me was how beautiful they all were. I always felt uncomfortable being seen with them, I knew I look like nothing next to them." I spoke suddenly, an octave too loudly. I saw her jump a little as I started, though she listened carefully. I snorted. "He would always say I was beautiful." I said, and I was sure just my tone told her what I thought of that. It was quiet for a few minutes after my outburst as I contemplated why I had spoken.
"I think that he was right." She started nervously, and I looked at her incredulously. "And I mean, even if you weren't pretty to normal humans like me and that girl you stopped to talk to in the grocery store, I'm sure he would've seen every little beauty in you. So either way, he wasn't lying, and he meant what he said." She continued, fighting for him. It was only then, as I turned my eyes away from the uncomfortable stare she'd trained on me, that I noticed how close we were to her home.
I helped her unload and unpack the groceries in silence. I left the bag from the gas station on the kitchen table and went to sit on the couch, shedding my shoes and wet coat along the way. It was quiet for a minute and I assumed she was sitting at the table thinking over our conversation as I was. I was surprised, then, by a small bag of sour gummi worms dropped into my lap as she walked around the arm of the couch and sat next to me, a family-sized bag of Combo's in her lap.
I took a deep breath as I opened the worms. "Thank you." I said before lifting my gaze to her. "For everything, you know." I said before popping a pink and yellow worm into my mouth. She smiled at me. "And thank you. For answering my questions and everything." She replied just as quietly as I had spoken. We sat in a comfortable commaraderie, silent as we shared the snack food, waiting for our boys to come back.