AN: This is NOT for OutlawQueen fans, so please click out before you continue reading. This is, however, for people who are tired of seeing Regina be mistreated and allowed to be hurt in order to propell the story forward on the show. It is mostly detail and is probably OOC, but I have had this idea bouncing around in my head for the past few days and have finally decided to write it all out on paper. Please excuse any errors, as I did not go through much review before posting.
"Because, Emma, it's me." The words could barely roll off Regina's tongue as her eyes darted around the Savior, unable to match her friend's concerned and genuine gaze. The tears prickled behind her eyes, threatening to spill out at any moment already. She had gone from feeling as if even Robin's life had been better in the wish world, to knowing that at the very least, his life was no better or no worse without her in it, to Emma's encouragement that this could be where Robin's soul had been sent after his death; the answer to why he had not aged and why he was so miserable in this world—he did not belong here. She lowered her head, chin almost resting against the smooth skin of her neck as her hands played with her wool glove, restlessness overcoming her. Her voice was broken and shaking as she looked up at her friend once more, "And I'm afraid of tempting fate."
Emma looked at her, stone cold and determined. There was no hint of sympathy for her lack of confidence, just a genuine fighting flame behind her eyes. "No, we make our own fate. I did it. And now, it's your turn." The words were strong and supportive, but pushed against Regina's fears, tempting her to reach out to Robin and actually allow him to consider the offer. She looked into her friend's eyes one last time, nodding her head softly in agreement. She knew Emma was right, the hero types always were when it came to what should and should not be done. She bit down on the tip of her tongue, fighting the urge to tell her friend it was simply time to go, that nothing and no one was going to improve her confidence around the matter. But Emma's words played back in her mind. She was logical, intelligent enough to know there was a good chance Hades had lied to her back at her office. After all, Hades body had been reduced to ash because of the Olympic crystal, while Robin's was buried neatly in Storybrooke cemetery. She inhaled deeply before turning around on her heel in one moment to speak with the wish version of the man she was destined to be with—the man who had been ripped too early and cruelly from her. She wanted to be happy, longed for the tender embraces she had been accustomed to.
"So," she whispered, looking up at him uncertain. Surely there would be something keeping him here, something that would prevent him from wanting to make the journey from the wish realm to them back with Storybrooke. She wouldn't be surprised if it was as simple as not wanting to leave the gravesite he had prepared and allowed to hold his beloved Marian, who in this timeline had been taken away from him much too soon.
"I'm in," he nodded strongly. His words hit her hard, the breath she had sucked in in her preparation to hear the words no, to be denied the happy ending that she was still chasing, gushed out of her body as if a mighty force had knocked her back taking all of the air from her body.
"You are?" Her body remained still, expecting there to be some second guess, that this was a form of a cruel joke to cause her pain to continue to grow. Realism struck here. "It might not work," she replied, her words trying to dissuaded him more than anything else. If he would just stay here, if she could remove any chance this would not work but place the decision purely on his shoulders, perhaps it wouldn't hurt so bad when it didn't actually work. Her instincts still fought against everything Emma had told her—she wanted to tell him to stay here. She didn't know what would happen if he tried to follow and she wanted to believe Robin's soul was alive and well somewhere.
Their conversation continued for a moment, until the moment she was completely taken back by his assurance that he wanted to get to know the woman one version of himself was willing to die for. It placed a small smile on her face, tears of gratitude pooling behind her eyes, accompanying those that were still pushed back out of her sadness and fear. She wanted to believe, now more than anything, that the savior's plan would work. After all, Marian had been brought back into a time and place where she should not have existed in her world. The lines between what magic could and could not do were blurred, even to her after her years of extensive practice and education on the matter. Surely, if a hero was reassuring her that she could still be happy, that something good could come, she should trust and hope that it actually could.
Regina steadied her hands as she walked out of the Storybrooke side of the portal, catching her balance before she stepped out of the hole that had been blasted out of the tree. Her eyes caught site of Emma, looking around her for any sign Robin had successfully made it through. He had stepped into the portal before her, he should be here already, she rationalized. She moved forward, her feet slow and nervous with every step she took. She turned around to look at what remained behind them. No sign that this was going to work. She had, once again, allowed the idea of having her soulmate returned to her fill her with hope and had once again lost him. The familiar pain began to swallow her. Hadn't it been enough that she had already lost Daniel three times, that she had already lost her Robin three times, that she now had to lose wish Robin as well? Her hand slipped into her pocket where she had gently folded and tucked away his lucky feather. Her palm was flat against it as she walked through, determined not to lose it like Zelena had. Yet, she felt nothing. If the feather that had been on her had not survived the journey, then there stood no chance Robin would.
She could see Emma shifting her weight from one foot to the other on her left, but she didn't care. Curse these heroes and their instance to have hope. She wanted to blame Emma for the darkness that was now surrounding her, sending her flying backwards with a blast of magic or go so far as to crush her heart like she would have before. But she knew it wouldn't ease her pain nor bring Robin through the portal. Emma's whispered apology barely registered in her mind, and she quickly, quietly demanded to be left alone to compose herself. Emma walked away slowly, turning her head one last time to look at the mayor before continuing on with her path. She knew better than to try and force company on Regina when she was like this—knew things would be better if she just let the mayor work them out on her own.
The moment Regina could no longer hear Emma's footsteps, her body shook threatening to come undone. She had no strength, no determination to remain headstrong and knew the moment she left the clearing she would have to put on the display of strength. Her knees buckled, sending her crashing down to the forest floor. Her arms wrapped around her, holding her tight as the sobs began to shake her body. This was not the picturesque image of a queen she proudly displayed so often in front of her friends and Henry. This was the only moment she had truly allowed herself to falter in her image since Robin had died. The tears stained her cheeks, hot and warm like a waterfall with no known end.
She was right, she had once again tempted fate to be cruel and remove her chance at happiness. She knew it wouldn't have been the same, knew it wouldn't have been the Robin promised to be her soulmate by Tinker Bell's pixie dust. But she had hoped, maybe, he could grow to love her and be something of the man she had once loved.
"That anger was all I had," her voice rang out as her body shook, the words flowing out of her against her will. Tink's hold on her heart demanded that she answer every and any question that popped into the fairy's mind. She knew her life was in the balance, but remained calm for the most part. She could talk someone down from the path she had taken—the path she had let her anger and need for revenge take her on. She had, of course, thought from time to time about the wasted opportunity she had allowed to take place and mold her life. She wanted to be happy, but she knew at that point she was too far gone. No one would ever want her.
She adored her father, but he was always too weak, always too afraid to stand up to Cora and protect her. She knew her mother had been rough on him as well, had made him feel small and powerless in fighting against her himself. But, he had never tried for the daughter he claimed to love so much. He had held her in the night after the rough days with her mother. They had been left alone, Cora had never come through the door, as if she knew that the damage would be worse if she let Henry try to console her but still never offer her complete protection or love from the same things repeating themselves the next day. He would try and soothe her, tell her not to take her mother's words to heart, but she always had. She didn't know how to completely remove the emotional pain she had been subjected to and had no guide in the situation.
Daniel had loved her, as much as a first love possibly could—especially with every minute, every thought, stolen glance, and touch been hidden and far too short. But in his arms, she felt safe, she felt wanted. It had all come down with the blink of an eye. One spoiled secret by a spoiled brat.
Her body rocked, she tried to breathe in deeply and allow the tears to come to a halt. But, she found that with every breath she took, another river of tears started to flow out of her. She had wanted nothing more to have that blanket of security wrap around her once more with the new Robin playing an integral role in giving her the foundation of hope.
It wasn't fair that Emma had gotten Hook back, even after their tearful goodbye in the Underworld. The Charmings would reunite—they always did. After all, she had split their heart, something that should have never worked, so they could continue to be together and have their family reunited. But fate, fate loved to destroy Regina. She longed for the security and love she saw as she looked at Emma and Hook, Snow and David. No one had ever looked at her like that, had protected her like that, she thought.
A whole new set of emotions overcame her as the new thought replaced the original pain she felt when she admitted to herself that wish Robin would never step through the tree. She had been so wrapped around the idea that fate had come to claim her happiness, that this pain was something she deserved that she hadn't considered for a long time that none of this was her fault. That perhaps she should consider a small amount of gratitude that it hadn't worked out according to Emma's plan.
Robin, much like Leopold, had mourned for a dead woman for the majority of their time together. While Robin had loved her and was tender to her—where Leopold had been violent and selfish—too many of their conversations wrapped back around to the idea of Marian. More than once she had wondered if she was simply filler for him; if although he was meant to be her soulmate, Marian was always going to be Robin's. The promise of love, the gentle kisses, and the kind words kept her moving forward. This was what Snow and David had, she rationalized. And though she would never admit it to the Charmings, she had always been jealous, had always wanted someone to be tender and loving to her. She took the chance on Robin, knowing she was attracted to him and wanted to see where the road would take her. She hadn't emotionally opened herself up to Graham in their time together—their relationship was purely about the consensual passion that burned between them from the start. He had resisted the first time she had tried to sway him into bed, which she had allowed. But with time in her castle, he had become attracted to her and craved her in a purely carnal form. Robin had wanted to hold her hand, wanted the late nights, and wanted to help put her back together into the image of a heroin woman.
Far too often, she remembered words that would dismiss her pass. "You're not the Evil Queen anymore," he had assured her on more than one occasion. She had tried to discuss how she still lived with the same motivation as the Queen, had the same passion and fire when she felt threatened or those she loved were under attack. She always allowed that side of herself to come out when it was time to make the rough decisions. She was judged by the heroes, even if they had spent the moments leading up to her action begging her with their words and inaction to force her hand. Robin didn't accept that side of her, had almost wanted to bottle up and try to paint her into something she was not anymore. She wasn't the same eighteen-year-old girl who had been forced into a marriage she didn't want.
But she had allowed him to hide that part of herself. The same way she had allowed him to hide behind her since she had gone to get him in New York.
"That's not fair," she whispered to herself. He was just trying to move on with his life—before he was violated in a cruel, unimaginable way that she was all too familiar with. Still, for all he had known (and all she had known) that was Marian, brought back from the dead by Emma's choice.
She shook her head no, a mixed amount of emotions settling into her body, threatening to rip her to shreds. These new thoughts wanted to defend her memories of Robin. But the reason, the anger she had felt since Marian had returned from the Enchanted Forest threatened to spill out of her. Her fist tightened before her arm shot out from its hold on her body, a fireball engulfing the ground in front of the magical tree.
She had told herself when she had Leopold killed that she would never again allow any man, or woman, to make her feel so insignificant. Yet, she had allowed Robin the same authority, the same permissions to place the blame of what happened to him on her shoulders. He disregarded the way he had quickly moved on with Marian, even though he had insisted he actually chose her despite his conflicted heart. Yet, here was her sister with his child. She had accepted the words and his actions as punishments for her misdeeds and the reward of having him by her side once more. She had almost lost him in Camelot, where they had pretended they were once again in bliss. Yes, he had been willing to die for her twice—but they had swept their problems under the rug. She was ripped of the opportunity of the feeling to start a family with him and he had never seemed to care about her emotions regarding the subject.
Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't because it was her. Maybe, it was because he was him and had made the decisions but couldn't handle the blame on himself that he had allowed her to feel so small.