AN: So...yes I'm still continuing with my other LWD fanfic, "the long ride home" but, I just couldn't get this plot out of my head. Warning: get your tissues ready, because this one is going to make you cry and laugh at the same time. At the moment, it's just a one-shot, but..."ride home" was supposed to be a one shot also, and now look at it =)
Disclaimer: I own nothing of LWD and never shall. I am simply a fan of the show who happens to love borrowing the characters and put them in a plot inside my head, which tends to get stuck until I write it down, from there, I just decide to upload it to see if anyone else likes it as I do.
NO TOMATO THROWING! NO FLAME REVIEWS! IF YOU DON'T LIKE, PLEASE JUST HIT THE BACK BUTTON ON YOUR SCREEN OR LEAVE A REVIEW WITH CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. Thanks so much! =) I only say this because they are a little OC, and because this is a SAD Dasey fic, people are bound to hate me for what I must do to my favorite characters in this little play inside my head, but as I said before, it got stuck in my head and I just had to write it out.
"ON WITH THE STORY, GYPSY!" Your wish is my command! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~LWD*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~LWD*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*LWD~*~*~*~*~*~
Casey's POV:
Sitting in the livingroom, I keep my face absolutely emotionless and straightened the non-existant wrinkles in my black dress. It's not hard for me to keep emotions from my face anymore. Not since three days ago when I walked into his room to find the biggest suprise of my life. At first, I had cried, of course because that was just me. Well, first, I couldn't breathe even though I so badly wanted to scream and I was so overwhelmed that I never even noticed the silent tears on my face. I don't know how long I stood there, but I couldn't move, couldn't speak, still couldn't breathe. It was like I was trapped in a horror film and wanting to wake up from the nightmare. I kept waiting for the punchline to a really horribly sick joke, but it never came.
I still don't know how long I sat there on the floor, but when Mom came up to check on me, it was already past nightfall. She paid me no mind, her full attention focused on the bigger matter at hand. I could hear her scream but it was like it was underwater, distant and distorted. I only barely recognized her calling for her husband, George. I didn't even hear him enter, and the only reason I noticed him is because he blocked my view to race to his eldest son. Once my line of view was broken, I snapped, drying my tears with my sleeve, deciding to never show emotion at all. After all, he had always said he didn't care, so why should I? Of course I care, and he did too, but that didn't mean we have to wear our hearts on our sleeves I became a statue and I have kept this up all through the planning and through the services as well.
Derek Venturi killed himself in his room. The Coroner said he died at approximately 5:15 pm that afternoon that I found him an hour and a half later. I can still see it in my mind every time I close my eyes. At the funeral this afternoon, I kept hoping he would open his eyes, jump out of the casket and ask if we missed him and where was the potato chips and soda, but he didn't. I wanted to scream at him to stop playing games, stop being a jerk because it was just so like him to make everything about him. It was just so like him! But I finally realized it could not be a joke when Marti, always his favorite, asked me to hold her up so she could give her Smerek a final goodbye kiss on his cheek, because he would never pull such a joke on Marti. Still keeping a straight face, I obliged and it took everything I had not to cry. Instead, I kissed his cheek goodbye as well and then Derek Venturi was officially gone as his casket was finally closed and lowered slowly into the ground.
Everyone has been coping in different ways. Lizzie cries all the time and cannot stop. Edwin has become a lost little boy trying to play dress-up to be older, most likely trying to act like his older brother in every way that he's capable of doing. Mom fusses over everybody, especially the new edition of the family, her little baby boy. George tries not to, but more than anything, he's overly obsessive, freaking out when anyone is out of his sight for more than an hour, and Marti? Marti clings to me. She calls me "Smasy" now and won't let go of my hand. She wears a tee-shirt of her late brother's to bed and will only sleep in my room with me. She wanted both of us to sleep in his bedroom, but I put my foot down on that one. I just could not do that, so instead, we compromised that she would steal one of his shirts for bed and have the two stuffed animals, a purple tiger and a pink lion, that he gave to her on her last birthday.
I can remember the last thing that we said to each other. We were at Queens, packing for our summer visit after my first year at University and Derek's second. I had decided to go into pediatrics, letting my dance be just a hobby because even though everything went great with my opportunity, I realized it wasn't what I wanted out of life. He had suprised us all by quitting hockey for journalism and photography, well, everyone except me because I knew that hockey was fun for him, but his career choice was his passion. I was a little suprised that he wouldn't even play college hockey, though. We were arguing, as usual, about something idiotic that I can't quite remember when he just randomly stopped. At first, I took it as a victory, except he didn't walk away like he always does when he's defeated. Instead, he smiled at me and said something that I will never forget.
"Case, this is stupid. Fine, you win. I just don't want to fight anymore. I have something serious to talk about with you. Can you sit on the bed with me a moment?" I wasn't going to, but he looked so...oh I don't even know! When I sat down after a moment of hesitation, not sure if this was a prank or not, he took a deep breath and stared at his hands.
"I will never see you as a sister, or even a stepsister. I will never see you as that kind of family, Case. I've tried, but you make it impossible. I don't know if you ever have or ever will, but I don't want you to. It's nothing against you, Case, trust me on that, it's just impossible. Everytime that you or I correct the other when we accidently call eachother siblings instead of step-siblings, the other just says 'Same difference' when it's really not. I just want to make sure that we understand eachother and that it doesn't matter that our parents are married and have a kid or not. We. Are. Not. Siblings" he looks at me in the eyes when he says this. My first reaction is anger and hurt, but his voice and look in his eyes tell me he's not trying to be hurtful, just truth. In all honesty, I never saw him as a brother either. Edwin? Yeah, he's my little step-brother, but not him, "So, Case, if I ever truely hurt you I just want you to say 'abra-cadabra' and I'll know to back off. Yes, I know it sounds stupid, but I just don't want to truely hurt you anymore. Bantering is fine, arguing is too, but I'm not a complete jerk. Well, at least I don't want to be."
It was hard for me to get that out of my head, even though at the time I just rolled my eyes and went with it, not truely getting what he was saying. I was still so angry at him that I refused to speak to him at all, and I didn't. If I would have known then that in less than a week and a half later, I'd find him laying on his bed, eyes closed with a video dvd in one hand and his other reached out, dripping with blood right above the knife on the floor where he'd dropped it, I would have taken it more seriously. I don't know if i would have noticed it as signs of help from a sucide risk or not, but I couldn't help but to think if I could have prevented such a travesty as taking the annoying, jerkish, yet caring and protective, hockey-god photography-extrodinaire away from the world, from us.
I nod at mom holding the baby in her arms as she sits down next to me on the couch, George at her side. Edwin and Lizzie join us five minutes later with a clingy Marti between them as they sit down on the floor in front of me, nobody even wanting to sit in his recliner. Marti immediately leans against my legs and reaches for one of my hands, which I willingly hold on to lightly. It's finally time to watch the video dvd that he made and had in his hands when he died. Everyone holds their breath as I push play on the remote control because I'd already set it up earlier. Lizzie once again bursts out tears when he appears on the television screen, burying her face in Edwin's shoulders as he wraps his arms around her, protectively. Marti jumps up on my lap, crying silently though her eyes never leave the screen. She quietly whispers his name, "Oh, Smerek!"
"Alright, everyone, I don't want to start this out as some sappy 'Well, if you're watching this, I'm dead" kind of things, but, well, I think it's obvious you won't watch it til after you discover about what I'm about to do because I won't leave this just lying around, so you won't find it until you are supposed to. However, I'm not doing this to hurt you, I promise. I'm doing this so you won't have to watch me waste away. Dad, you know what I mean when I say, 'It's back and it's worse' but nobody else will because Edwin was too little to understand anything at the time other than 'dont worry, Edwin, Derek's just sick' and Marti was just a baby. I know Nora knows about what I was diagnosed with as a child, but since I've begged both of you to keep it quiet, Marti hasn't a clue, Edwin is probably just now peicing this together, and Lizzie and Case, well now they'll know too," he takes a deep breathe and I don't realize it, but I do too, "I was diagnosed with Cancer as a little kid, guys. And because of that, I've had to have regular check-ups to be sure it did't return. I just always claimed they were 'physicals' for hockey, and some of them were, but not all of them. Well, the latest test results got back right after the little guy was born and, well, the news wasn't so great. I asked the doctors about what it meant and they said I had a little less than two years to live before I started deteriorating like paper in a fire. I now have about a month left of that time and I can not put it off longer. Dad, you're starting to get suspicious! Don't ever let anyone call you clueless or unobservant ever again! I decided then that this would be how I wanted to go out. Quickly and quietly. I never wanted to put you all through watching me fade away and luckily I was able to hide it from you as long as I could, Casey. Dad would have noticed the signs right away, but thankfully, I was at Queens and I made sure I fulfilled most of my last wishes," He laughs.
"Well, there's not much to say to the general public except I'm sorry for putting you all through this. Obviously I wish I had more time, but well, I'm going to go out true Derek Venturi style because it'll all be on my own terms. Hey Smarti, do me a favor, run to my room and look under my bed. I have a shoebox under there with other videos. There is one for each of you, including the little tyke-ster for when he's old enough so he knows his oldest brother. It's not much, just a little personal farewell to you all. Watch them in private because they're all personalized with what I want to say to you. Go, Smarti, Go! Is she gone?" he asks after a moment. The said 'Smarti' has already bounced off of my lap and ran up the stairs and for some reason, I nod to the man on the television screen as if he can see me. Scarily enough, he nods at the camera, in sync to what I just did. This sent shivers down my spine, "Good! So now, don't anybody be too overly sad at my death. I chose it. I don't have to guess who found me and I'm really sorry if I scared you, Casey. And Nora too! This really was the best of the options because this way, the result is the same without anyone else's involvement. Sure, I know the 'slitting of the wrists' is a bit pathetic, but it was less disgusting than possibly being found over-dosed on pills. I know you all probably wanted an open-casket funeral and showing, so no hanging, and I can't even get my hands on a gun, let alone shoot myself without anyone knowing," I get so angry with how casually he talks about the different ways he could have ended his life, but then I still keep my face stone, Mom has begun to cry which got the baby crying as well. George looks angry while Edwin looks completely shocked. Lizzie cries harder still, then he stops, somehow mysteriously knowing that Marti would be almost back with the box. The guy really does have good timing, "Hey Smarti, I bet you're back with the box. Open it up now, and pass out everyone's dvd's. I've written the names down on them so they won't get mixed up. Alright, that's everything, I guess, so...just remember that it wasn't any of your faults...and I love you guys... more than you could ever know." With that, the sad-looking man lifts a remote in his hand and waves at the camera goodbye before the video ends.
Marti opens the box and begins to hand them out. When She looks at me as she hands me mine, a silent tear rolls down her face, as if she knows that I just can't cry anymore. I'm not numb to the pain, but I just can't and won't cry anymore. I don't dare say his name either, knowing that if I do, my resolve and composure will crash. Marti reaches up and touches my face lightly, as if knowing what is going through my mind. I half smile at her before turning my attention to the little cd case with a peice of paper that reads: to my Princess, Casey. Watch alone in the basement with the door locked tonight. I then look up at the others, my fingers running over his note to me. I look to mom next to me and show her the peice of paper. She nods, giving me permission to go into her and George's room to watch the video, but I decide to wait till later tonight, as instructed. Apparently hers tells her that she must watch the video goodbye to her in the baby's nursery with a portable dvd player. I assume that George is supposed to do the same as Mom's.
All the guests are gone now, so I get up to clean the kitchen. I have no reason to cook because apparently it's customary to bring food to a wake. I make plates for the family, not including myself, and serve them before I do the dishes. I take my time, listening to Lizzie's slowing sobs. I hear Marti say she wants to eat in the kitchen where I'm at, but George tells her no that he wants her with the family and that Casey wants some alone time. Personally, I don't mind Marti's company, but I don't mind being alone either. Even taking my time, it only takes me 45 minutes to finish the kitchen, so I sit at the island looking out the window, willing my mind to go blank. It takes a little bit, but after about fifteen minutes, I finally succeed.
I don't know how long I sit like that before Marti and George bring plates in to me. I get up to do them, but George just waves me off, telling me to go relax. I decide to go to my room and clean. I have to stay busy. It's just in my nature. Being particularly organized, and refusing to unpack the rest of my stuff, I don't have much to do, so I sit at my computer and once again will my mind to go blank. This time, it doesn't work though I spend more than thirty minutes trying. I keep looking down at the dvd with the note from him inside the cd case. I finally grab a book and pretend to read. I hear Mom come up the stairs to put the baby to bed in the nursery that used to be George's study. I don't look up right away when she opens my door, but by the way she says my name to get my attention, I can tell she's already watched hers.
"Case? Can I come in?" I then look up from my pretend reading and notice at once that it had been enough to make Mom cry, though she has been crying on and off all day today.
"Sure, Mom. What do you need?" I say. I don't mean to sound heartless, I just don't know how to react anymore. He would get angry, I'm sure, if he found out that I was leading a pity-party. Especially since I now know why he did it, so I just try to be a calm and reasonable person. I just never thought the numbness would take completely over.
Mom walked over and sat down on my bed, tears still in her eyes and she smiles at me weakly. I know she wants to talk about whatever goodbye he left her, but I haven't seen mine, and I don't really want to know what he had to say to her, and besides, he said they were personal, for their eyes only.
"Casey, I think you should watch your video now, alright? George and I are going to be in the baby's room for a while and we won't disturb you. You can lock the door, but...you need to watch your video now."
"Mom, I don't think you understand. I'm not sure that I want to watch it," I say, pointedly.
"Well, not to will be an insult to his memory. Plus you need this. And Derek knew you would," I flinch when Mom says his name. I have such good acting abilities but I can't fight a flinch whenever his name is mentioned. It was like not gasping when you first step in cold water or hiss when you get into a tub of hot water for a bath. It's like not shuddering after taking aweful medicine and not sighing happily when you close your door after a date that ended with a goodnight kiss. It was involuntary.
"My point proven. Go watch it," Mom says with a half smug grin.
"What point?" I wonder.
"That you need closure. You can't even hear his name without making a face. I haven't heard you say his name since you found him that day. Go watch it, Case, Derek would have wanted you to," her voice as soft as satin, and she exits after putting my dvd in my hands with a knowing smile.
So, after about ten minutes of staring at the dvd in my hands, I get up and make my way to Mom and George's room, still hesitant. After another long moment, I walk in and notice the tv is already on and the dvd player is already open and waiting, and here I thought I was the over-achiever of our family! So I place the dvd in the tray with shaking hands, close it and sit on the end of Mom and George's bed, pick up the remote and try to steady my hands long enough to push play.
His face is sad when he appears, "Hey Princess. This is like the thousandth and one try I've had with taping yours. I couldn't really figure out how I wanted to say goodbye to you, and then I decided I won't ever say goodbye to you. It'd kill me!" he starts to laugh but his dark laughter quickly fades, "Alright, that was a bad joke, I'll admit, but I still don't want to say goodbye to you. I never did. This video is the hardest of them all, the second hardest would have to be Marti's, of course. Thing is, there is just so much I never told you when I was alive. I tried to argue with you as much as possible, at first when I found out about the cancer coming back, thinking you'd accept my death easier if you were mad and wouldn't miss me, but I figured out that it hurt me too much to see you hurt. I am sorry that I never told you everything in the beginning, because I know you would have tried to help, but as I already said before, the cancer is just too far gone already. I figured the 'sudden death' would be easier to get over than the drawn out approach anyway.
Casey, there's been something eating at my chest since we met. We've joked about it before, of course, and yelled at eachother that we never saw eachother as siblings. You were never family to me like that. That doesn't mean I didn't want to be, it just means that I wish things would have turned out differently in some ways and would never dream of changing others. What I'm trying to say is I love you, Casey. Not the sibling love that I hold for Marti and the others, but something more. I never wanted you to be my sister, step or not, because I wanted you to be so much more. I fought hard to keep myself under control, and when I lost the fight against my feelings, I was forced to fight myself from showing you how I felt about you. I get that you probably are disgusted at me right now because you've never thought about me that way, or maybe you're angry for only telling you this now, I'm not sure. It seemed everyone knew except you and I had to keep the truth from you because even though I'd give anything to keep you happy and safe forever, I wouldn't ever dream of putting you through all the drama our being together would cause. Of course, if Nora was wrong and you don't actually feel the same way, then, it doesn't matter anyway, does it? Well, see? Now you know why I don't do feelings," he laughs. Of course, I'm shocked, but what can I do? talk to a television screen? I take a second to think of all the times I almost told him that I loved him? How many times did I stay awake at night, wondering if he really hated me the way he claimed, wishing that he was just covering up for the fact of undying love? Well, haha, jokes on me, he did and it really DID kill him to say it!
"Princess, I tried my best, I really did. I hope that this doesn't upset you too badly. I have movers coming to the apartment in two weeks. Hopefully that gives you enough time to go through my stuff and choose what you want, what you think the family wants excetera excetera. I want you to remember me, Case. Fondly, not as a nightmare. I may be dead when you see this, but even a still heart can love. What did you tell Marti and Lizzie when Great Aunt Lucinda died six years ago? The death of a body cannot kill a soul. It is the soul that loves and lives, and as long as the soul remains, they can love. I know it sounds cheesey, but I will be waiting for you when you finally join me in death, whether it is to finally spend eternity together or to listen to you yell and scream at me for what I've done to the family, it doesn't matter. I'll watch out for you always.
"Take care of Marti, Edwin, Lizzie, our new little brother, and Nora and Dad for me. Remember to take care of yourself, Casey. Be happy. Whoever you end up with is a lucky guy and they had BETTER treat you right. Oh, and please don't let whoever you end up with, never let them call you 'Princess' because that's my nickname for you and if his name is 'Derek' like mine, don't call him the way you call me, okay? No Der bear and no 'Der-rek!' It may be selfish of me, but I want to know that I still have a small part of your heart. I know I wasn't perfect, but that still doesn't mean that I want you to settle for less than you deserve. Go for your dreams, Casey. And remember, I don't want to meet up with you again for fifty years," he joked then turned serious, "Casey, please. I want you to be you, happy and loving. I need you to take care of the family. I know that Edwin will be good to Lizzie, so be supportive when he finally asks her out, alright? Marti? Edwin will be a good 'protective brother' to her, but I need you to look out for her like I did for you and better. I want both my purple Smarti and my Princess to be happy in life. I love you, Princess, My Casey," I see a tear roll down his cheek and his eyes were stormy with emotion, but he made no move to wipe them away. In the backround, I hear a song start to play, "That's All I Ask Of You" from The Phantom of the Opera and when the screen goes black, I can still hear it till the end. After the song is over, it still takes me an hour and a half to finally shut the television off. And I finally break down and cry.