Broken inside
Two weeks.
Two slow weeks.
It had been only two weeks since Ron had broken up with her after months together. That day had been two days before she returned to Hogwarts for her seventh year. Meaning that she had only two days to be ok with seeing him again, and not touching him; not hugging him, not kissing him.
That she could do. She had cried it out in a minute or two and then gotten on with her life.
The true agony had come two weeks after the break-up. Her hormones were acting up and she didn't know whether she was coming or going when it came to her moods. She could be completely fine one minute, then staring blankly into the fire in the Gryffindor common room, reminiscing, the next.
Monday night, lying in bed, she snapped. She let the tears fall from her eyes while her body shook with silent sobs, afraid to awake the other occupants of the room. She couldn't believe what she had realised about herself. She wasn't who she had been before. He had changed her, whether he knew it or not. She had opened herself up emotionally, and now she couldn't close the floodgates. When they had been together, she had directed her emotions toward him - told him she loved him, kissed him, played with him. But now...now that path had been blocked and her emotions pushed their way to the surface any way they could - mostly anger at him, self-hatred, crying.
He'd be in the same room as her for five minutes and she'd glance up at him occasionally - he would be smiling, seemingly happy, laughing with his friends, and hers. Her heart would break inside knowing that they may never get back the closeness they had had.
She was being selfish, she knew it. She knew that she was not the only one suffering from the withdrawl. She knew that he was hurting inside as well. That didn't comfort her, though. She felt guilty for causing him pain, felt responsible for what he was going through.
Hermione could feel her gut wrench as she watched him. She missed him. She really did. And she couldn't believe that there were people saying to her "you need to get over him." How could she do that? How could she do it when all she ever wanted to do was walk over to him and kiss him with every ounce of strength she held - imbue that kiss with every heartfelt emotion - her love, her guilt, her sorrow, her wishes.
And she wished! She wished so hard that she could do what people were telling her to - to get over him, to move on, to find someone else. But she didn't want anyone else. She wanted Ron. But she knew, deep down she knew that she would never get him back. Not the way she wanted him.
She couldn't do it any more. She couldn't put on a happy face for the rest of the world. She knew that if she did, she would only end up dark and twisted inside. She couldn't blame him for not giving her space - yes, she needed it. But she didn't want it. She wanted to be near him, to be in his arms, to feel his body against hers once more. She'd walk over to him, start a slow conversation but it was something! God, she wanted, needed, something from him - anything at all. She'd lean over his shoulder to point out something in a book and inhale his scent. It'd take her back to one of the days they had spent together and she'd spend the whole day wishing to be able to give anything to go back to one of the happier times - when she wasn't wracked with sobs or holding the tears in with all her might; when she could wake up and think that someone cared about her; when she could feel wanted and loved. Until this could stop, she was broken inside.
A/N What do you think? I know that I should be writing more of A Paws in Time, but I couldn't write soppy romance while I feel like I do at the moment. I should finish that within the next month or so, depending on set homework If you're new to my writings, I'm not usually this angsty - check out my other fanfics. You've read it, now review it!! Please? puppy dog eyes Lul, J