Dear Bella,
The last time I write you a letter, we lived in the age of Friendster, and Mark Zuckerberg had yet to invent Facebook in his Harvard Dormitory room.
The last time I wrote you a letter, it was written on five pages of 8.5 x11 stationary paper.
The last time I wrote you a letter, I sneaked it inside your bag, wondering if you would read it, because when I saw you the next day, you looked at me with no reaction at your face.
But that doesn't matter.
What matters is how life followed after that incident. That incident called falling apart. An incident, that ironically, I have no idea how it originated.
I can't remember the last time the two of us laughed together.
You meant so much to me.
Our friendship meant so much to me.
You were a part of my formative years. We laughed together. We played the same games together. We bonded over our similar hobbies and passions.
Everything was wonderful.
And I couldn't believe you could easily throw everything away.
Have you ever thought about the years we spent together?
Did those years of friendship mean nothing to you?
Weren't the years enough?
Wasn't I enough?
At that time, I couldn't understand why you did it. You can't expect a moody teenager with hormonal imbalance to comprehend deep shit about this world.
And that incomprehension created a bitter and wounded heart, a state that would last for nearly half a decade.
It was easy to blame everything on you. My pain and misery, included.
All I had to do was roll into a fetal position and cry on my bed.
All I had to do was to shout inside my heart what an awful person you were.
Because you wouldn't accept me back.
Wasn't it enough that I begged?
No, it wasn't.
The more I saw you smile in the company of other people, the more rage I felt.
What right did you have to be happy, when I was wallowing in pain and misery?
I promised then, that I would never beg for another person's affection again..
I promised that I would never grow close to another person.
No, never again.
And so, I burnt bridges and built walls.
No one would have the capacity to hurt me again.
It was easier to protect yourself, to hurt others before they had the chance to hurt you.
It was easier to pin the blame on this twisted thinking on you, wasn't it?
Eventually, I had new friends to accompany me. Friends who made me happy, and whom I made happy.
And you? You were pushed to the corner of my mind, a forgotten memory.
The only time you came to haunt me was when I dabbled in the hobbies we passionately shared.
Screw you.
I had friends again, but I could never bring myself to be vulnerable with them again.
What happened to us destroyed a part of me that I could never bear to lose again.
But the years have been kind, at least.
We've become civil. Hey, at least we're talking.
When I'm sitting, lost in my thoughts, I still harbor the idea that our old friendship with resume again.
That magically, we would meet, talk about our differences, and be the best of friends again.
But dreams are dreams.
And dreams without action, is dead.
Fine, it's alright. I have other friends, the same way you have other friends too.
I'm okay.
There's no more bitterness in my heart. But still, the damage has been done. The wounds have faded, but the scars remain.
Years have passed and our paths have crossed again.
We used to take the same path, but along the way, the roads diverged and we had to make our choices.
I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror, nor do I recognize the person you are.
Can you still recognize me?
I don't know. I can't tell.
But the years have been kind, if not, painful.
The succeeding years exposed me to people, experiences and ideas I would have never dreamed possible.
And for the first time, I look at you with different colored shades.
A broken relationship is painful, whether it's familial, neutral or romantic. No one wants to be hurt.
But with God's wisdom, or whatever Atheists call them, whether they may be maturity or not, I learned what it meant to be human.
I learned impermanence, that not all people are going to stay in life. That people will come and ago. That impermanence is a cycle of change in life. That the only constant thing in this world is change.
I learned gratitude. To be appreciative of the fact that a person crossed, touched and changed my life. To be grateful that a person even entered my life and affected me in profound ways. To live in this world is to experience the myriad of emotions and experience to accompany it. The happiness and pain I felt are part of it, molding me into the person I am.
I learned forgiveness. That to live is to err and to forgive. That by holding on to the pain and replaying my past hurts, I was doing more harm to myself. That it you weren't the only one to blame, but myself. That by forgiving, I was giving myself a new lease in life.
I learned that people are separate beings with differences. I thought that you would like what I wanted for us, but history proved otherwise, and my interaction with others taught me the same thing.
I learned to let go. That during the last years of our friendship, I had held you in a tight grip. That I never had the chance to let you spread your wings and fly. That sometimes, we have to assess the way we handle our conflicts with people and see whether we are too tight and too loose with them.
I learned to wish for other's happiness. Because I realized how selfish I had been in the past, that I had kept you in a cage, wishing to strangle you from your happiness. Because I realized that yes, you could be happy and fruitful without me, and I had been so selfish to think otherwise.
I learned that there are lessons in life. That life is the meaning we attach to it, and I have chosen negativity for as long as I can remember. I openly admit that I had given a negative meaning to my experiences. I admit that it's easier to play the victim card and tag you as the villain. I was wrong. People are inherently good. People have their own agenda in life. But sometimes, these agenda collide and don't match.
Peace, like a bird seeking shelter, nested itself in my heart.
I have accepted that we can never walk the same path again.
People may insist, but no.
We have become very different people
I respect the person you have become, and the experience that have molded us together.
Looking back, I can smile at the memories we shared.
I met you at the time I was supposed to meet you.
Our friendship fell apart at the time it was supposed to happen.
Despite everything, the pain, the tears, the blame, the hate, the misery, I forgive you.
And I forgive myself, for the horrible things I've done and accused you of.
Thank you for everything.
Love,
Jacob.