Author's note: This is a M*A*S*H/LOTR crossover. The M*A*S*H characters
replace the LOTR characters. I intend to go through all three of the books
and follow the storyline pretty closely, using primarily the books, not the
movie (spoilers in later chapters). If there are any M*A*S*H characters
you'd like to see, please let me know. I will publish a list of characters
in later chapters, as they appear. Constructive criticism and reviews are
appreciated. Disclaimer: I own none of LOTR or M*A*S*H characters.
It was Henry Blake's eleventy-first birthday. There had been extensive planning, and many headaches. Colonel Sherman Potter had provided fireworks, obviously magical, even a dragon! Henry's young nephew, BJ Hunnicutt, was there. It was his thirty-third birthday; he was coming of age. During the long speech after dinner, Henry could be seen playing with something in his pocket. After he finished his speech, he abruptly disappeared in a flash of blinding light. A few minutes later, Potter found him at Bag End.
"Hey Sherman, thanks for your help tonight. That flash was quite impressive, but why did you do it?"
"That ring has been a secret between us for many years; I don't we should reveal it now. The flash gives the other Hobbits a way to explain it."
"I feel old, Sherman. I'm ready for a rest. I want to travel again. I've left everything for BJ."
"Well, then, I suppose it's time for you to be going. By everything, you do mean the ring, as well, don't you? Where is it?
"It's in an envelope on the mantel. Oh, no! It's in my pocket. Anyway, it's mine. It came to me. Why shouldn't it stay there?"
"I think it's time for you to leave it, Henry."
"You just want it for yourself, don't you!? You can't have it! It is mine! My precious!"
"You're not the first one to call it that, old friend. Leave it behind."
It took more badgering, but eventually Blake left the ring. He was met by three dwarves, and they walked off into the night.
Years later, Colonel Potter returned to tell BJ the story of the ring. After casting it into the fire, he was able to read the words inscribed on it:
"One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
It was the One Ring, created to rule all the others. It was found by Sergeant Rizzo, who was later known as Gollum, then passed to Henry Blake during his great journey, then eventually to BJ. When BJ asked Potter to take the ring, he refused, for he didn't want to be tempted by it. At that, BJ was resigned to take the Ring from the Shire. Suddenly, Potter paused, then reached out the window and pulled up Radar O'Reilly.
"What do you think you were doing out there, Radar? Were you eavesdropping on us?"
"Golly gee, no, sir, I wasn't eavesdropping. No sir, I wouldn't do that, honest! Well, there have been a few times, but I wasn't eavesdropping now!" Radar squealed.
"What did you hear, Radar?"
"I didn't hear no nothing, no sir! Well, I heard something about a ring, and the end of the world and all, but I won't say anything, honest! Don't put me on KP!"
"No, I don't think I'll do that, but I do think you'll need to go with BJ. Don't say a word to anyone—you hear?—not a word!"
"Yes sir, I'll do that sir. I promise!"
With that, Potter let him go.
After several months and the selling of Bag End to the distant, unwelcomed relatives from the Navy*, BJ, Radar, a friend from Buckland, Trapper McIntyre, and another friend, Corporal Klinger, gathered at Bag End and prepared to leave. Klinger was a Took, and most people blamed his cross-dressing on that. They had told the rest of the Shire that BJ was moving to Buckland, so his disappearance wouldn't be as suspicious. They downed the last of the good wine, loathe to leave it for the Navy. They had hoped Col. Potter would return before they had to leave Bag End, but the North Koreans would accept no delays, so they were forced to leave without him.
A few hours after they set out, Radar suddenly spoke up, "There's someone coming!" A few minutes later, everyone else heard it. Someone was definitely approaching.
"It may be Col. Potter, but let's not count on it," said BJ. "Let's get off the road." They hid in a hollow below the road. After a minute, a sniper approached, dressed in all black. BJ's hand was drawn toward the ring hanging on a chain around his neck, but he was able to pull his hand down. The sniper eventually left, and a few minutes after that, the hobbits emerged from their hiding places. After that, they were sure to stay a stone's throw off the road.
After many other adventures, the travelers reached Bree. After gaining entrance to the city from the gatekeeper, they found their way to Rosie's Inn. The room was dark and filled with Men. Rosie met them at the door. "Hello. I be with you in one moment." She bustled off, and returned a moment later. BJ gave her a false name. "I do have some hobbit- sized rooms. I get someone to show you. Go ahead and eat. Just don't make a mess."
The travellers sat down to eat, and Klinger and Trapper both downed plenty of Rosie's good beer. After a while, Klinger got up to get another beer, and started chatting with some of the Men at the bar. A slip of the tongue revealed BJ's identity, and BJ got up on a table and started singing a silly song to keep him from saying any more. He slipped on the table, and just happened to be playing with the ring (now in his pocket) at the moment. He fell to the floor and disappeared.
A moment later, he was met by a dark-haired Man, known to the Bree folk as Hawkeye. "That wasn't a good idea, BJ Hunnicutt. Yes, I know who you are. Now, if you don't mind, I think we need to have a private chat. Don't you agree?"
Eventually, a tentative peace was reached, though none of the Hobbits really trusted Hawkeye. On his advice, they made hobbit-shaped lumps in their beds and all stayed in his room as four of the Black Snipers silently entered the hobbit's room and shot many rounds into the lumps. There was a scream of frustration when they found only clothes and pillows, but they left Bree after that.
* If you haven't read the books, you may not have heard about the Sackville-Baginses. They were annoying relatives who, above all, wanted to get their grubby hands on Bag End, preferably for much less than it was worth.
It was Henry Blake's eleventy-first birthday. There had been extensive planning, and many headaches. Colonel Sherman Potter had provided fireworks, obviously magical, even a dragon! Henry's young nephew, BJ Hunnicutt, was there. It was his thirty-third birthday; he was coming of age. During the long speech after dinner, Henry could be seen playing with something in his pocket. After he finished his speech, he abruptly disappeared in a flash of blinding light. A few minutes later, Potter found him at Bag End.
"Hey Sherman, thanks for your help tonight. That flash was quite impressive, but why did you do it?"
"That ring has been a secret between us for many years; I don't we should reveal it now. The flash gives the other Hobbits a way to explain it."
"I feel old, Sherman. I'm ready for a rest. I want to travel again. I've left everything for BJ."
"Well, then, I suppose it's time for you to be going. By everything, you do mean the ring, as well, don't you? Where is it?
"It's in an envelope on the mantel. Oh, no! It's in my pocket. Anyway, it's mine. It came to me. Why shouldn't it stay there?"
"I think it's time for you to leave it, Henry."
"You just want it for yourself, don't you!? You can't have it! It is mine! My precious!"
"You're not the first one to call it that, old friend. Leave it behind."
It took more badgering, but eventually Blake left the ring. He was met by three dwarves, and they walked off into the night.
Years later, Colonel Potter returned to tell BJ the story of the ring. After casting it into the fire, he was able to read the words inscribed on it:
"One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
It was the One Ring, created to rule all the others. It was found by Sergeant Rizzo, who was later known as Gollum, then passed to Henry Blake during his great journey, then eventually to BJ. When BJ asked Potter to take the ring, he refused, for he didn't want to be tempted by it. At that, BJ was resigned to take the Ring from the Shire. Suddenly, Potter paused, then reached out the window and pulled up Radar O'Reilly.
"What do you think you were doing out there, Radar? Were you eavesdropping on us?"
"Golly gee, no, sir, I wasn't eavesdropping. No sir, I wouldn't do that, honest! Well, there have been a few times, but I wasn't eavesdropping now!" Radar squealed.
"What did you hear, Radar?"
"I didn't hear no nothing, no sir! Well, I heard something about a ring, and the end of the world and all, but I won't say anything, honest! Don't put me on KP!"
"No, I don't think I'll do that, but I do think you'll need to go with BJ. Don't say a word to anyone—you hear?—not a word!"
"Yes sir, I'll do that sir. I promise!"
With that, Potter let him go.
After several months and the selling of Bag End to the distant, unwelcomed relatives from the Navy*, BJ, Radar, a friend from Buckland, Trapper McIntyre, and another friend, Corporal Klinger, gathered at Bag End and prepared to leave. Klinger was a Took, and most people blamed his cross-dressing on that. They had told the rest of the Shire that BJ was moving to Buckland, so his disappearance wouldn't be as suspicious. They downed the last of the good wine, loathe to leave it for the Navy. They had hoped Col. Potter would return before they had to leave Bag End, but the North Koreans would accept no delays, so they were forced to leave without him.
A few hours after they set out, Radar suddenly spoke up, "There's someone coming!" A few minutes later, everyone else heard it. Someone was definitely approaching.
"It may be Col. Potter, but let's not count on it," said BJ. "Let's get off the road." They hid in a hollow below the road. After a minute, a sniper approached, dressed in all black. BJ's hand was drawn toward the ring hanging on a chain around his neck, but he was able to pull his hand down. The sniper eventually left, and a few minutes after that, the hobbits emerged from their hiding places. After that, they were sure to stay a stone's throw off the road.
After many other adventures, the travelers reached Bree. After gaining entrance to the city from the gatekeeper, they found their way to Rosie's Inn. The room was dark and filled with Men. Rosie met them at the door. "Hello. I be with you in one moment." She bustled off, and returned a moment later. BJ gave her a false name. "I do have some hobbit- sized rooms. I get someone to show you. Go ahead and eat. Just don't make a mess."
The travellers sat down to eat, and Klinger and Trapper both downed plenty of Rosie's good beer. After a while, Klinger got up to get another beer, and started chatting with some of the Men at the bar. A slip of the tongue revealed BJ's identity, and BJ got up on a table and started singing a silly song to keep him from saying any more. He slipped on the table, and just happened to be playing with the ring (now in his pocket) at the moment. He fell to the floor and disappeared.
A moment later, he was met by a dark-haired Man, known to the Bree folk as Hawkeye. "That wasn't a good idea, BJ Hunnicutt. Yes, I know who you are. Now, if you don't mind, I think we need to have a private chat. Don't you agree?"
Eventually, a tentative peace was reached, though none of the Hobbits really trusted Hawkeye. On his advice, they made hobbit-shaped lumps in their beds and all stayed in his room as four of the Black Snipers silently entered the hobbit's room and shot many rounds into the lumps. There was a scream of frustration when they found only clothes and pillows, but they left Bree after that.
* If you haven't read the books, you may not have heard about the Sackville-Baginses. They were annoying relatives who, above all, wanted to get their grubby hands on Bag End, preferably for much less than it was worth.