I suddenly got hit by the inspiration to write this fic a little while ago. If you haven't read up to chapter 212 in the series and if your pen name is Shadow Before the Storm because I know for a fact you haven't read that far yet, don't read this; it has MAJOR SPOILERS. Other than that, I hope you guys enjoy the angsty depressingness. :D
There they were: the three of them–and Mokona–all standing in front of the barely opened doors that had frozen time and trapped Sakura within it. This was his first time here after regaining his memories, and he wasn't sure if he had seen this place before he had started traveling worlds or not, either.
The frozen look of pain and confusion on the younger Sakura's face sent a crippling blow to his chest. Unwillingly, his thoughts turned to those of Sakura's last moments, something that was burned into his memory as sharp as any blade he had ever encountered. Her look of love and sorrow, even as he held the blade that had taken her life away. I lo…What had she been about to say? Even though he thought he knew the answer, he couldn't allow himself to believe it. He didn't deserve those words from anyone, let alone her. But still…he had to know. What came next?
At the sound of his footsteps echoing over the rocks, Syaoran, Kurogane, and Fai all spun around. Their expressions were at first ones of surprise, but quickly evaporated and changed into those of wariness and even a small spark of hatred. It was almost ironic, really. The only people that he had ever cared about besides Sakura and his father, the only ones who were like family to him, now hated his very existence.
Though it isn't without reason, he thought sadly, thinking of the last few times he had seen them. He had taken Fai's magic when he had first changed, not to mention nearly killed him; then he had attacked and seriously injured the other Syaoran many times; and last time…last time he had killed the most important person to him in any of the numerous worlds that existed.
As Syaoran's eyes met his, Fai and Kurogane moved in front of the other Syaoran, as if to defend him from any attack he might aim at him. I don't want to hurt them, he thought, fighting the urge to flinch at the set faces of his former friends. He knew that they would attack without a moment's hesitation if he so much as twitched a finger.
They seemed to discuss something, but he couldn't hear them. Then Mokona jumped off of Fai's shoulder and he could clearly hear him cry "We're definitely, definitely all going…to go home together, okay?" as he flew for the relative safety of some sheltered rocks.
Home…he thought. I wish I could join them once more and travel like we did. It was hard at times, but we created so many happy memories…I've done so many unforgivable things, I don't think I could ever go back to those times. I don't deserve to.
A tear in the dimensions had already started opening behind him. He didn't need to hear the other Syaoran darkly mutter "Fei Wang Reed" to know who it was. There was no one else who could've opened a tear like that, nor someone who could get such hate filled glares like the ones all of his friends now sent the magician. Not even him.
Fei Wang was saying something about wishes…instant regret…crumbling Providence. He could hardly pay attention to what his "master" was saying as he thought about and dreaded what he knew he had to do. He heard himself mentioned as "your clone" when Fei Wang was speaking to Syaoran, but didn't mind much. That was what he was, after all. Just an instrument created to serve Fei Wang's purposes.
However, even if he wasn't a real person, even if he was just some creation, he wanted to make his own decisions, even if it might be selfish of him. He didn't want to watch his friends suffer any more, and certainly not by his hand. Today he would end it.
Suddenly a tornado of fierce wind was hurled directly at him and where Fei Wang's tear stood. He wouldn't–couldn't–so much as lift his arm to block his face or he would've given himself away. A clone wasn't supposed to feel pain, after all, so what did a little breeze matter?
He recognized what it was instantly, of course. He had only seen it a dozen times in the past few months: one of Kurogane's sword techniques. Even without turning his head Syaoran knew that Fei Wang was practically unscratched. No, it would take more than that to get to him.
"Shaddup already," Kurogane growled, his eyes glittering murderously. "Shut your freakin' trap already. Enough of the boasting...just get out here." Swinging his sword over his shoulder, Kurogane looked like he was itching for a fight with the person who had killed his mother.
"That won't work," Fai commented. "It was the same when he spoke to me…he stayed on the other side of that 'tear' the whole time."
"Oh, I see," Kurogane replied. "He's a nasty little coward."
"Well…I suppose that's difficult to deny," Fai responded. Without turning his head away from Fei Wang, he said, "Syaoran." He had to stop his head from instinctively turning to look at Fai. He wasn't talking to him, of course; it was the other Syaoran. The real Syaoran.
"Before…when you were speaking through the other Syaoran…do you remember what you said?" Fai asked. "Can changing the future that was already in place be forgiven?" Is that all I am to them, too? he thought distantly. A tool? Do they think that was him saying those words through me; that they weren't what I really felt? When I said that, it was my own thoughts, not his.
"Right now, we don't know how things are going to work out," Fai continued. "Which means that right now, you don't have to think too hard–just do what you can, what you want to do. That's not the same thing as 'running away.'" Fai turned ever so slightly to give the other Syaoran a reassuring smile. "So what is it that you want to do?"
He never changes, does he? he asked himself, making sure that his face didn't change from the cold expression it wore, knowing that Fai really hadn't thought of him as a tool at all, even though he had known him to be a clone from the very beginning. If he had thought of him as a mere instrument, he wouldn't have risked his life to try and maintain the seal placed on his right eye. He wouldn't have gone with him to collect Sakura's feathers, either. Fai…thank you.
"I cannot…let Sakura die," Syaoran answered, his eyes glinting with a hard edge of determination.
That would be just like you to say that, he thought, trying to hide his relief. If Syaoran hadn't been completely confident in what he was doing, he would've gotten himself killed.
Turning on his heel, he walked away from them, towards the cliff that hung over the frozen lake. He knew Syaoran would follow: he had to.
"You go and settle things with yourself." He could just barely hear Kurogane say those words as he continued to walk. His footsteps sounded eerie in the dead silence, even to him.
"Yeah," the other Syaoran replied grimly.
It sounded like Fai and Kurogane said something about Fei Wang; out of the corner of his eye, he could see multiple tears open up and Fei Wang's fighters come out and surround his two friends. I can't worry about them right now, he told himself. Besides, they're more than capable of taking care of themselves. Right now, he had to concentrate on the fight that was in front of him.
"…I won't fail this time," the other Syaoran told him gravely, having summoned his sword in a brilliant burst of flame. "It ends today."
I guess…we really are alike, he thought, staring down at his other self. He held his sword in front of him, the tip of the blade pointed right at the other Syaoran. "Indeed," he replied, keeping his voice carefully flat and neutral. "It ends…here and now."
The other Syaoran's eyes hardened; then he leaped up, his sword held firmly in his hand as he brought it down on his clone's head. However, he reacted quickly, bringing his sword up to block his other self's attack.
Grasping his sword in one hand, he brought his other hand to his chest, his middle and forefinger pressed together with the tips sparking with shining silver magic. Syaoran, clearly alarmed, jumped back, snapping his sword to his side. Tracing patterns in the air that had once been unfamiliar to him, he sent a blast of magical energy towards where Syaoran was positioned in the air.
But not before Syaoran had shouted "Fuuka!" with his fingers pressed against the blade of his sword. A roaring flame shot out and connected with his own attack. However, the standoff that resulted didn't even last a second before his magic overpowered Syaoran's and threw him back. He couldn't hold back; he had to make it real, or else the plan would fail. Still, even knowing that, it pained him to see Syaoran thrown against the rocky ground below them.
"Syaoran!" Fai called out, alarmed. He and Kurogane had spun around in time to see him land lightly in front of the fallen Syaoran, who was now shifting crumbled rubble as he sat up.
"Did the wish of your Sakura…not reach you, then?" Syaoran asked, his voice as hard as his gaze as he stared up at him.
He couldn't help himself; he tightened his grip on his sword reflexively. Like you know how much I've regretted that day, he thought bitterly, gazing down at Syaoran coldly. Though that was how he was supposed to be, wasn't it? Cold. Unfeeling. Unthinking. He wanted to tell his other self just how much Sakura's wish had reached him; as soon as he had seen his sword stabbed in her chest, blood flowing outwards like a blooming flower, he had regained his memories. And he had hated himself.
His hand slightly out from his side, he began to trace the magic once more. Syaoran's eyes narrowed as he agilely jumped away from his attack…away from him. He knew Syaoran no longer believed that his memories could be returned; that it was too late. If there was no Sakura, there was no hope. But he did have his memories, and he knew exactly what he was doing.
"Raitei…," Syaoran started, his hand held precisely in front of him. "Shourai!"
Cascading waves of flame clashed with crackling, blinding lightning from both sides. He had to dig his heels into the ground to keep his balance as he kept pushing his power forward. What felt like an eternity later, even though he knew it was only a few seconds, Syaoran crashed to the ground in a shower of rock that burst upwards. He could see as Syaoran gasped, coughing up blood.
Almost without pausing, he sped forward, his hands out in front of him with his palms facing out. The more magic I use, the stronger I get, he thought. He could feel the strength flowing into him, even now as he prepared another spell. This is what I must do to change back what I've done. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me; I have to do this.
Hand shaking, Syaoran raised it once more. "Kashin!"
A flame instantly ingulfed him, stopping the attack he had been about to use. He threw his arm in front of his face instinctively, but only a few heartbeats later, it had disappeared as he traced a new spell, this time a protective one.
Syaoran had gotten to his feet, but just barely, and held his sword defensively in front of him. Racing forward, he didn't give himself time to hesitate before he struck his sword against Syaoran's, sending it flying out of his hands in a rippling flash of silver and pushing Syaoran to the ground.
"Syaoran!" Fai yelled from where he and Kurogane were fighting Fei Wang's fighters. But at a snap from the mage's fingers, more tears opened in the dimension and started pouring out more warriors.
"Hama Ryuuoujin!" Kurogane shouted, his sword weaving in and out in a tricky pattern; another one of his stronger techniques. But still, even as the two fought to make their way over to them, they gained no ground and only more enemies appeared.
"…I will do what I must," he said, staring down at Syaoran. He had the tip of his sword only inches away from his other self's face and could clearly see the frustrated look in his eyes. Frustration at not being able to beat him; for not being able to save Sakura; for failing at stopping him when he had had the chance.
Then, raising his blade, he thrust it down forcefully, watching as Syaoran's eyes widened at the impact. Blood splashed upwards from where he had plunged the sword, spattering his clothes with dark red stains. Syaoran stared up at him, his face a blank mask of complete and uncomprehending shock.
The sword that he held in his hand had pierced his own foot.
Pain rocketed through his foot, spreading up his leg and feeling like…like he had just stabbed himself. Which he had. Pulling his sword free, he took in a sharp intake of air, not able to help himself, and saw the surprise on the other Syaoran's face meld into one of half-understanding. He knew that he had his memories back, but had no idea what he was trying to do.
He wasn't sure whether he was disappointed or glad that the other Syaoran hadn't known he had regained his memories. On the one hand, the fact that he hadn't known had made his plan all the easier to play out since his other self had been so serious and hadn't had a clue. On the other, that Syaoran hadn't trusted him enough to think that he would overcome the instincts he had been created with.
"Move!" Kurogane shouted from behind where he stood, jerking him out of his thoughts. He and Fai were violently forcing their way through the crowd, even Fai's characteristically joyful eyes now burning with blatant rage.
He gave them a cold look, one he thought he might have previously given them when he hadn't been able to control himself. He could feel Syaoran tense below him, already knowing what he would do. He wished he didn't have to hurt them; but he had to, so that they could finally put an end to all of this.
His hand outstretched in front of him, he let the magic flow through him and gather in the palm of his hand. It had to be powerful enough that it would make his magic stronger and that it would wipe out the remaining warriors of Fei Wang. Before either Fai or Kurogane could dodge, the magical blast had exploded in front of them.
He watched with deceptively apathetic eyes as his two friends hit the ground– hard. Although he hadn't aimed his attack directly at them, he hadn't been able to divert it too much for fear of being discovered by Fei Wang. It's almost done, he thought, gazing down at where Fai and Kurogane lay on the ground far below him.
"Were not just those two, but the failures blown away as well?" Fei Wang mused, though his voice didn't carry any suspicion in it. "However, that magician's eye has been more helpful than I thought. No. He's a magician no longer."
He stood for a moment longer, wishing he could tell his friends what he was trying to do, but knowing that he couldn't. The looks they shot at him openly showed the betrayal they felt, the pain, the hopelessness that they had gotten this far only to be defeated by someone they had once considered their friend. Not able to stand it, he turned back to Syaoran.
Grabbing the front of his other self's cloak, he pulled Syaoran up so that his mouth was level with his ear. "Play along," he whispered so quietly that he was afraid he wouldn't be heard. "When we get up there, take my sword." Without waiting for a response, he turned and began dragging Syaoran up the steps to where Fei Wang's tear stood.
"The successor to the bloodline of Clow Reed…even should he die, his body alone holds more than enough worth," Fei Wang said, grinning wolfishly. "Once I dispose of the replica's body…I think I shall transfer its soul into the body of the original."
His grip on Syaoran's cloak tightened reflexively, disgusted by this man's way of thinking. It was true that he was a clone; he could take everything that was said about him as the truth. But this man had trapped Syaoran for years and played with Sakura's life. Were people nothing more than tools to him? He knew Syaoran noticed this reaction; however, his other self gave no sign of it, for which he was glad. Just a few more steps…
"That way, he can continue to serve my purposes for as long as he continues to be," Fei Wang continued, reaching his hand out of his dimensional tear. "Until he is no more." Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Fai and Kurogane standing up on shaking legs, Kurogane gripping the replacement for his arm and Fai panting heavily.
Then, Fei Wang finally broke through his tear completely, a confident, triumphant smirk on his face. As the magician held out his hand expectantly, Fai and Kurogane raced forward to try and protect their friend. He lifted Syaoran effortlessly, at the same time moving the hilt of his sword close to where his other self's hand hung, apparently limp.
Time seemed to freeze a moment before Hein was suddenly stabbed into the chest of Fei Wang. A shocked look was frozen on the older man's face as Syaoran knelt in front of him, sword held firmly and his eyes blazing fiercely. He felt rather than saw his two friends' own surprise emanating from them behind him.
"So, you deceived me…did you," Fei Wang said, more as if he was stating a fact than asking a question. The magician glanced down at his still-bleeding foot, knowing that he had used the cover of the rocks and the darkness of the cavern to hide what had really happened. Syaoran pulled Hein out of his enemy's chest, an exhausted look on his face.
"A mere puppet such as yourself!" Fei Wang raged, his hand held in front of him and sparking with magic that soon formed itself into a sword. He thrust it forward–right where Syaoran knelt, too close to use Hein to protect himself.
Once more, time seemed to slow down. He could hear Fai and Kurogane yell somewhere behind him, but he couldn't discern what they said, if they said any words at all. Grabbing Syaoran by the arm, he pulled himself in front of his other self–his real self. For a moment, all he could see was the look on Syaoran's face, his expression even more shocked than when he had realized what his clone was really doing only moments before. Though now, the real Syaoran's expression also contained an unbearable sorrow that he couldn't quite place. Why should Syaoran feel sadness for him? He had done terrible, unforgivable things to him–to everyone. Especially to Sakura
But the next moment, he felt the pain of the sword in his back, ten times worse than when he had stabbed his own foot. Hardening his eyes in determination to finish what he had started, he extended his hand from his side, barely able to draw on the magic that soon filled the air. Syaoran's eyes met his uncomprehendingly, not understanding why even now he was using magic, why he hadn't somehow tried to avoid this; why he had saved him.
Syaoran wasn't the only one who was surprised, either. Fei Wang, Fai, and Kurogane all stared about them in astonishment as the magic he had stolen from Fai filled the air, threading its way through the tear into the dimension Fei Wang stood in. He felt the magic getting stronger, but the strength no longer came to him anymore. The searing pain in his back had lessened to a dull throb; he hardly felt it, but that was probably because he was concentrating so hard on keeping the magic going.
"Wh…Why, you…!" Fei Wang screamed, his voice hoarse with rage as he jerked the sword out of his back. Syaoran yelled, but now the pain had returned with a burning ferocity and he could no longer focus on him as blood poured out of his chest as if his heart were crying fountains of it. Still, he managed to maintain the magic. If nothing else, I have to do this, he thought. I have to…fix it…
"Fuuka!" Syaoran shouted desperately, that one word alone piercing through his senses. Syaoran's magic collided with Fei Wang's, which he hadn't even noticed until he felt the power undulating through the air behind him from the impact.
Syaoran's face was still imprinted with the same stunned appearance as he gazed at him. He could see his face reflected in the real Syaoran's eyes, and was hardly surprised to see his apparently impassive countenance. "Why…did you…" Syaoran started, his voice hardly a whisper on the roaring winds that surrounded them from the magic he was invoking.
He stood steadily, staring past Syaoran, back to the time when he held the sword that had taken Sakura's life away. The anguished feeling that had overtaken him, more painful than when he had been stabbed by Fei Wang's sword just now, and leaving a hole in his heart far larger.
"…Because I wanted…to know what came next," he finally murmured, struggling to get the words out. The image of Sakura's face as she faded away flashed in front of his eyes, her regret and grief now his own. "The words…" The edges of his vision were blurring and he found that it was becoming exceedingly difficult to remain standing. "I didn't get a chance…to hear…back then…" He closed his eyes, and almost against his will, he lurched forward, no longer able to support himself.
He distantly felt Syaoran's arm catch him before he hit the ground. He coughed up blood that spattered to the ground in front of him, but it took him a moment to realize that it was in fact his own blood. Syaoran, an alarmed look on his face, knelt down next to him, carefully, gently even, holding him as he struggled for breath. Not yet…I still…have to fix…it…
Staring at an invisible point above him, he released the magic he had been carrying with him ever since he had stolen it from Fai. The air above him swirled with a fast-moving wind that surrounded a slowly forming sky blue crystal. He felt the last of his little strength drain away with the magic, making it hard to even keep his head up. Looking over at Syaoran, he could see his expression of astonishment that didn't seem to have a limit.
"The feathers," he muttered, shaking with the effort it took to speak. Syaoran seemed to flinch as he spoke the words, but he didn't speak. "Take them…to Sakura…" Sakura was dead; he had killed her. But he also knew that there was a living Sakura out there, waiting for Syaoran to help her. He hadn't had a chance to live happily together with her, had never even had a chance to begin with, really. But that didn't mean that Syaoran shouldn't get that chance to be happy.
His words seemed to hurt Syaoran; he supposed his other self would know exactly what he was thinking right now. Did Syaoran pity him? No, it was something else, something far, far deeper than that. The real Syaoran knew what it was like not to be able to be with the one you loved, to watch as she fell in love with someone else and you lost the chance you had always thought you had had. It was an understanding sorrow that filled Syaoran's eyes now.
He closed his eyes, trying to find the energy to keep going. Opening his eyes, he found that he could no longer see Syaoran, or anything else for that matter. The edges of his vision were completely black now, and what little vision he had left was blurred beyond comprehension.
"Kurogane…Fai…Mokona…" Syaoran gasped, forcing himself to keep going. "Sakura." His voice cracked and he had to pause before he continued. "Syaoran." For just a moment, his vision cleared ever so slightly and he could see Syaoran's incredulity at being mentioned as they locked eyes, his hand gripping Syaoran's arm weakly. "I'm…sorry…"
He could no longer feel the pain. There was only a dull sense of emptiness as he tried to finish what he wanted to say. "Thank y…" His voice broke off as his body shattered into a thousand pieces that seemed to just hover in the air for a moment. Syaoran's arms were still held as if his body still existed there, as if he could prevent this from happening, from what had already happened.
The blue crystal of magic still floated there, shining coldly down on Syaoran as he kneeled hunched over something that was no longer there. Fai and Kurogane had forced their way through the swirling winds to stand behind him, gazing at the scene with immeasurable looks of sadness and surprise.
"Forgive…me…" he said, though how he was able to, he wasn't sure. "Thank you…"
Then…nothing.
Oh my gosh, you guys don't know how depressed I got writing this. T-T
Since today is a very special day (9-9-09) I thought that a special oneshot was needed to commemorate this moment in history! Actually, I started writing this oneshot quite a while ago, but things have been so busy, I hadn't had a chance to finish it before now. ^.^'
So even though I didn't say his name, you guys all know 'he' was clone Syaoran, right? I didn't put his name cause I thought it would get too confusing; not that it didn't, but I think it would've been even more so had I used his name. I guess I'm a sucker for death scenes; I just had to write this scene it from C!Syaoran's point of view. I was keeping track in the manga with everything I wrote, too, so the words they say are pretty much the exact same ones as in the manga.
On another note, this is the longest oneshot I've written, and also the longest document for anything FFnet related! How awesome is that? ^.^
Please review and let me know what you guys think; was I successful in being depressing, or was it meh? I wanna knooooow~ :P