The Great American Auction
Warning: This is sort of a crackfic and everything in this story was purely constructed out of a mindless summer and boredom. Please don't be surprise if many things doesn't make sense. That is all. :)
America was hammering a sign board onto an old fashioned booth when the nations of the world arrived in the enigmatic country's capital city. They were all summoned, well, more likely demanded to come to America's sudden call.
The countries, especially from the far east, were exhausted and quite frankly, cranky for most of them should have been sleeping comfortably in their beds as it was late at night or quite close to an early hour in their part of the hemisphere.
If it was one thing America did not contemplate about gathering a large group of countries into his native land, it was the time difference between his side of the world and the eastern continents. Nevertheless, they were all there now whether they like it or not, although America will be in a world of pain if the cause for such urgency was not good.
A very grouchy Englishman was impatiently tapping his foot and occasionally checking his wristwatch for the designated time in his beloved aisles. He had just finished drinking his cup of Earl Grey and so very ready to go to bed - early for once (after all those manuscripts and meetings with Parliament and the Queen), when his phone set off the most devilish buzz and soon after an earsplitting invitation straight from the American's unpleasantly rowdy voice box.
He would have stayed under his green, silky comforters if only he wasn't a proper gentleman. He represented the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland for goodness sakes! There was absolutely no time for dilly-dallying when you're that great of a country.
However, secretly inside, England wished that day that he could be replaced with one of his brothers: Scotland, Wales, and the two Irelands, who, judging from the time and date, were probably sleeping off the upcoming hangovers from the night's drinking. Yes, believe it or not, he'd rather take on a bad hangover at the moment than linger one more second around his former colony and France's rambunctious complaining.
"Oi! How much longer is this going to take? I'm about ready to throw this blasted frog at you for calling us so damn early and shamelessly making us wait here!" England was tempted to release all his anger out but his drooping eyes were making it a bit hard to throw a full blown tantrum.
"Dude, it's like four in the afternoon."
"May I just point out that it's half past midnight where we live? And more importantly, put a sock on it frog."
"That is so mean Angleterre! Do you not think I am suffering too? Look at the bags under my charming eyes! I need my beauty sleep, although I don't know about you. You look horrendous during any time of the day." France was still in his night gown, his chest proudly peeking out of the silky satin material. Even when sleeping, the Frenchman was keen on being fashionable.
It certainly beats England's worn out pajamas that had a secret hole on the back, close to his rump. He meant to mend it back together, as is what a true Englishman would do, but he always forgot that it was there and so the hole grew bigger and bigger. Abruptly remembering this, England sat himself down on one of the chairs in the rows.
"Alright, dudes! Let's start this thing!" America finally commenced. Flocks of countries fought for a seat in the rows and listened half-heartedly to the American's speech. Some were nodding off to sleep, unfortunately for them; America conveniently had a blow horn in hand and aimed it at their general direction.
The blast instantaneously brought the crowd back to attention and so America began, "Okay, so you guys know how my economy sucks and I'm kinda having a financial crisis right now, right?"
A couple countries in the back spoke up. "That's old news! This has better be good America or I'm going to make it even worse!"
"Yeah, yeah. Chill out, man. Back to the point. So anyways, in order to haul in some dough, I've decided to auction my states. Pretty sweet, huh?"
Nobody in the audience answered as they were all still trying to absorb America's proposition. Out of the crowd, an arm hesitantly rose up.
"Yes?" America pointed to the small country.
"Umm…that doesn't make any sense. Aren't you the United States of America?" Sealand pondered, in which the older nation simply replied, "Yes. Yes I am."
"But then, how can we purchase your states if-," Sealand was interrupted by the sudden influx of avaricious nations erupting into perplexed outbursts.
"Can you believe it? America is selling his states!"
"I can't seem to wrap my head around it either, but think of all the money we can make if we can get at least a piece of that land."
"There's no questioning it! Billions, and trillions, and… indescribable amounts of resources too!"
"Yes, but how is it possible to buy all that land from Ameri-," Sealand piped up but was once again interrupted by an elated Russian holding a bidding marker.
"Who cares? I'd like to buy Alaska please. Maybe for sixty billion, da?"
America indicated the great landmass on a large map with a pointed stick, "Starting at sixty billion! Any other offers out there? How about a sixty-two billion?"
"Sixty-two billion!" China bartered loudly earning a scowl from Russia.
"Sixty-two billion and thirty million!"
"Sixty-two and fifty million!"
"Sixty-three billion!" The countries battled.
"Alright. Sixty-five billion, da?" In which Russia released his intimidating aura, challenging anyone who dared bid higher.
"Sixty-five billion! Sixty-five billion anyone? Anyone? How about sixty-seven billion? Anyone? Anyone?" Not a single soul replied.
"Sold! To the creepy, smiling man with the purple scarf! Congratulations sir, for your generous offer! And next is the beautiful state of…"
This was how it pretty much played out during the great American auction. As the names of his states were called out, hysterical nations (with big pockets, mind you) bid and offered huge sums of money for the golden land, and each and every time one state was sold, an article of clothing or a signature part of himself was given away to the highest bidder. Which were, by the way, mostly Russia, China, France, Italy, Germany, Japan, and the United Kingdom (yes, England was desperate to reclaim as much of the little colony he raised from the hands of Russia, Spain, and even worse, France).
"Alright, up next is California!" At least thirty hands shot up at the same time. "Oh, I see a four hundred billion, a four hundred five billion, oh! Is that a five hundred I see over there?" Italy was the one waving his bidding card around. So far he had New York, although he had a fearsome bidding war with England for it.
"I want California. I heard they have nice beaches there. Isn't that nice Germany?" Germany grunted in response wondering where on earth Italy would get the money to pay for the state.
"How about we raise it to a five hundred and five? C'mon people! Golden State here! Land of Hollywood and awesome movies!"
"Five hundred and four?" China asked warily.
"Gosh, I don't know, China. This is one of my favorite states. I'm actually having second thoughts about selling it…"
"Six hundred billion!" called France.
"Sold!" America declared not passing up the chance. There were a lot of protests in the crowd, but an unsuspecting voice could be heard amongst the roars and clusters.
Canada entered the commotion quite late because it took some time persuading those pesky American police to let him cross the border. Honestly, they asked so many questions and it was impossible to answer correctly without getting their suspicions up. The Canadian swam his way through the sea of countries who were sputtering nonsensical numbers in all directions.
"America! What is going on around here? And where is your - oh god, what happened to your pants?" Canada shrieked upon seeing his brother.
"I sold 'em to France," the man answered simply like it was the most rational thing to do in the world. "Who wants Texas?" America held up his glasses presenting it to the mass.
All of a sudden, Canada was picked up by a nit-picky Austria. By the time he knew it; other countries were starting to swarm over him pulling at his clothes and hair. The poor nation appreciated attention but not in such ways that he was pricked and prodded on like a precious lab animal - and in such uncomfortable places too!
"How much for this one?" Prussia asked. Hungary shoved Prussia's 'awesome' face out of the way.
"Oh, that's just my hat. Name whatever price you want for him," America friendly replied.
Canada's eyes widened, obviously offended by his brother's comment and also, undeniably, his anonymous value in the auction.
"I am not your hat America! -Hey! Get your hands off from under there!" Canada swatted a hand from down below.
"Whatever, bro. You're sorta like my hat."
"He complains too much. I'll pay you a hundred billion at the most."
"No way, buddy. That's my brother right there."
"You're like, so totally stubborn, America! Okay, two hundred."
"Two hundred and fifty, and I'll throw in maple syrup and a cute, little polar bear?"
"Deal."
"Nice doing business with you."
"I am going to kill you Americ-ahhhhhh! Damn it, that hurt!" Canada fell and was dragged down to a European nation's car, never to be seen again. But of course if you still looked in the world map, Canada is still there, north of America, in the continent of North America, in the planet Earth, three planets away from the sun, in the Milky Way Galaxy, and so on and so forth. Never forget that Canada is still there.
After several hours of… a peculiar form of self-mutilation, America finally was down to his last, but certainly not least state.
"Who wants Florida!" he hollered to the heavens, and by god, every country turned with astonishment written all over their faces. America was, by the way, respectably wearing a towel. Don't be a perv.
"Bloody moron! Have some respect for yourself, why don't you!" England screeched from the far back.
"Well if you do not want it, Angleterre, kindly move out of the way." France maliciously smiled back to America, "I'll offer eight hundred billion for the Sunshine State, Amérique."
"I want some of that too! Eight hundred and fifty billion!" yelled a, like, totally random country.
"Nine hundred! Ve~ Germany. You want to share?" In which the blue-eyed German frantically shook his head no.
"Nine hundred billion and five million!"
"Is yen an acceptable exchange?"
"Nine hundred twenty billion and vodka?"
"Aiyah! Too expensive."
As the numbers rapidly grew higher and higher America daringly raised it up to a trillion, in which the nations became enraged by the sudden incline of the price. Some were even starting to complain and use ridiculous explanations to why they should inherit the questionably precious state.
"I am sorry mi amigos, but I think I have every right to reclaim the state. After all, I did colonize and settle Florida first, thereby giving me the right of solely claiming it once more as part of the Spanish Empire- aiya yai! Dios mios, Romano! " There was a painful smack from a certain Italian and Spain was quickly dragged away to the Mafia corner.
"Oh fratello, don't hurt big brother Spain too much. I don't get it Japan, what's so important about Florida? Is it the land of the pasta or something? Is that why they all want it?" Italy innocently asked his good friend, Japan.
"I am afraid I do not understand it either. I thought that perhaps it was a westerner thing for you Europeans."
There was an annoyed tut coming from France. "Tsk, tsk, Amérique. You are really testing my patience. Very well, last offer. Nine hundred and eighty billion and a spectacular French cuisine, on the house."
"Ew, dude. I don't want to eat your snails. A trillion or nothing, bro."
"Very well-," France was stopped from opening his quite empty wallet by none other than England himself.
"Fine! Here's a trillion, and keep your decency to yourself you bloody wanker!" England threw whatever was left of his money and virtue as a gentleman. Honestly, the poor chap didn't know how he could ever live it down if America's…uhh…state went into the hands of France.
"Woah! Thanks a bunch Iggy. I you'd be the one to pay up in the end. Now I can buy most, if not, all of Europe," America grinned.
"Oh and before I forget, here's the money I owe you China. Cawabunga dudes! You know, I can't help realize it now but I've always loved the smell of Europe in the morning…," America mumbled strolling away with his immeasurable amounts of money.
"Oh and you guys won't mind if I change the continent's name to America, would you? Maybe somewhere along the lines of East America?"
Author's Notes:
And just to switch back to being practical and sane I have listed two reasons to why this would never happen, but I am sure there is more. (Yeah, I'm a real stick in the mud.)
+I'm quite sure none of the countries actually have the money and the occupation to colonize yet another territory and keep up with the world's financial crisis.
+There is no quotation on the cost of any of the states. Putting a price on an entire state will be much costly considering all of the infrastructure, the businesses, and every other activities not forgetting all the efforts that have been put into establishment of the entire state. Not to mention, the citizen's reactions to a random country purchasing their America and rights.
+And really. Do you honestly believe that America would be dumb enough to sell the states, or rather, himself to the other countries. I think not! At least, that's what my conscience says.
Good day to you all!