Mixed Up girl in a Logical World
When she started school at the age of 5, Amanda Grayson hated it and continued to hate it as she progressed into her teens. She hated being told what to do, she hated the idea that there was a set way to act, a set way to think, a set thing to believe in. She had her own mind and she wanted to keep it that way. She wouldn't just accept that something was a certain way without proof that it couldn't be a different way. She was imaginative, loud and easily irritated, easily amused and easily hurt. Having her own mind in such an obvious way was prone to getting her in trouble, she was too outspoken for most peoples liking, she was too sure of herself, too quick to defend what she believed in. Her strong will left many feeling intimidated by her. No one wanted to get on the wrong side of her.
She felt everything so deeply and was cautious about letting people get close to her. She was strong and independent but deep down she was lonely and desperate for someone who could understand what she was feeling even when she didn't. She had her heart broken twice before she graduated from high school. The first time by her parents as she was dragged into their bitter divorce at 13 and the second time by the first guy she trusted to let in despite promising herself she'd never open herself to the pain her parents went through.
When she graduated high school, Amanda didn't have the first clue what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to help people and she wanted to travel. She wanted to study and she wanted to be free. She took a year out and hiked around America, meeting all sorts of people and opening her mind to different ways of life. She found she didn't miss much from home, a few friends but that was it. But she also found she wished she had someone to share it with. Every so often when she came across something amazing she wanted to be able to point it out to someone but there was never anyone there.
When she returned home after a year away she still didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. Except learn, travelling made her crave knowledge of different civilisations. She enrolled in Star Fleet to learn more about different planets and different species. She didn't want to leave earth but she wanted to know more about what was beyond it. She wanted to know as much as she could find out. She was fascinated and intrigued by it all and studied hard. She continued working for Star Fleet once she had finished at the Academy, glad for the chance to interact with the species she had learnt about.
She was 24 when she met Sarek quite by chance. Sarek, the Vulcan ambassador to Earth, was like Amanda in that he was so typical of his species. While Amanda was changeable, unpredictable, and emotional like most human, Sarek was typically Vulcan, reserved, un-opinionated and logical. She watched him from the distance, trying to see how a species could survive on logic rather than emotion and she couldn't understand it. When she first got talking to him, she found him impossible to like, he seemed bigoted and arrogant and she couldn't stand the way he was impossible to read. Nothing was given away in the blank expression he always bore. Yet she was fascinated by him. She watched him from the distance, trying to understand him, trying to find some sort of emotion within him. She knew that Vulcans had emotions, they just suppressed them, but she never saw them.
That was, until she got to know him better. The more they spoke, the more she realised how her initial thoughts of him where wrong. She came to realise he was an educated yet caring man. She saw herself reflected in him, the same hidden loneliness, the same thirst for knowledge. He taught her of Vulcan, of the wars that had plagued the planet, of the movement that led to them suppressing emotion, of day to day life. And she taught him of Earth, of the past wars, of the movement away from materialism, of being ruled by emotion, of everyday life. She came to realise that that suppression of emotions didn't mean not feeling, it simply meant not ever showing what one was feeling. She came to realise that in many ways Sarek was a sensitive man, that he felt emotions possibly even deeper than she did.
She was surprised how quickly she fell in love with Sarek. She didn't tell him for a long time, too consumed by fear that he wouldn't feel the same, terrified that he would tell her that to feel such a thing was illogical or worse, not possible. Another reason she didn't tell him was that she couldn't quite believe it herself. She always thought she would fall for a human, a man who showed and knew emotions in the same way she did, a man who would shout and scream at her during an argument, rather than remain calm and listen. And yet she felt Sarek understood her, understood how she was feeling better than any human ever had.
When she heard talk that Sarek was returning to Vulcan, Amanda knew she had to tell him before it was too late. If he didn't feel the same it wouldn't matter, he'd go back to Vulcan, she'd remain on Earth. But if he did… She hardly dared think about it.
She met him a few days before he was due to leave and without giving him a chance to say so much as "Good morning" she announced, "Sarek, I know this is crazy, but I love you. And I know you're a Vulcan and I'm a human and we're like chalk and cheese but I can't help how I feel. And I know you're going back to Vulcan and I'm probably never going to see you again but I had to tell you before-"
"Amanda, you are rambling," Sarek told her simply.
She blushed slightly and met his eyes, which as usually were unreadable, "Sorry." She shrugged, "I love you."
Amanda was watching him close enough to notice the corners of his mouth twitch, it was barely noticeable but she saw it, "And I, you."
She gaped at him wide eyed for a moment, before finding her tongue "Y-you do?" her mouth broke into a grin and she threw her arms around Sarek. Sarek didn't move straight away but eventually he returned the hug, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. A few moments later she pulled away just enough to be able to look at him, "But you're leaving…"
"You could come with me?" Sarek suggested.
Amanda laughed, "And you say humans are the illogical ones."
"I am serious," Sarek replied. "Marry me and you could move to Vulcan."
"You're serious?" Amanda asked, blinking in shock.
"That is what I just said," Sarek pointed out.
"I know, I know but you're serious?" Amanda said, too shocked to say anything sensible. "Me move to Vulcan with you?"
Sarek nodded, "Yes. It is your choice, Amanda."
"This is... I just…"Amanda was lost for words before moving out of Sarek's arms and announced in a high pitched, excitable voice, "Oh, my god! I'm moving to Vulcan!"
"Am I to take that as a yes?" Sarek inquired.
"Yes? Of course it's a yes!" Amanda told him, before planting a kiss on his lips.
As a little girl Amanda had dreamt of her wedding as many little girls did. She dreamt of a beautiful white dress, she dreamt of amazing flowers, she dreamt of being surrounded by family and friends, she dreamt of her handsome prince, a huge cake, emotional speeches, bridesmaids all dressed in purple, she dreamt out every little detail. As she grew older she came to accept it wouldn't be like her little girl dream, but she never imagined it would be the way it was. A Vulcan marriage was a much simpler affair and yet it was still beautiful. It was still everything Amanda wanted and she was truly happy with Sarek.
She found it surprisingly easy to settle into life on Vulcan. Everything about it was different to what she knew and yet she found it bearable because she had what she always wanted; someone to share it with. She was aware that she stuck out like a sore thumb there because she was completely illogical but she didn't feel out of place. She was sure the majority of Vulcans would've preferred her to act more like one of them but it was too illogical to ask this of her and even if they had she would never have changed. She still smiled whenever she was happy and cried when she was upset. Over time she found herself able to understand Sarek's feelings through the small differences in the way he acted, it wasn't the same as seeing the emotion on a human's face but it became just as easy for her.
There were times when she missed earth, she missed the sound of laughter and the opportunity to do things for the sake of doing it not because it was logical. She missed America, where she had lived her whole life before moving to Vulcan. She missed the familiarity and safety of what she knew, she missed humans. But that was not to say she didn't feel safe. Despite the differences, even years later Amanda still felt Sarek was the only person who had ever really understood her and how she felt. She never regretted her decision to leave earth, not even for a moment.
And when she discovered she was pregnant with Spock, well, her happiness only grew.
I had the idea to write a fic about Amanda forever ago, like when Charlotte Church brought out her song 'Logical World', then forgot about it until I heard the song again a few days ago. Then I was bored tonight and watching National Treasure: Book of Secrets and decided to actually write it. And here it is. Everything I've wrote about Amanda and Sarek is how I imagine it, because as far as I knew we aren't told anything about their lives, so naturally, being a fanfic writing, I wanted to fill in the blanks. Pleases R&R and let me know what you think, I haven't wrote a Star Trek fic for a while, and I always worry when I write stories set over a period of time because I'm not good with the passing of time, so let me know how I did with that. And I'm gonna shut up now. xD ly'all, Carly. x