Once there weren't any boars, so Sonic came into an aquarium. He couldn't wait for Christmas. Somehow he had bagels with lox, the creamy filling within making his thirst tingle. The bread slithered down the slick lining of his throat, his uvula quivered in fear of the years to come. Impatient, Jesus became Death, destroyer of worlds. He dropped the letter from his mother, who had died from yacht poisoning. Booties, booties, yeah... Shake like Flubber, baby. Grimbo, alone at the crossroads, awaiting The Messenger of Memes, began to sweat profusely; slippery as a banana on a blubbery Sunday sidewalk. Many old pedestrians challenged Sonic to fisticuffs. He declined; the old men would've killed his passion for memes.
"Lust filled the area of Crimbleton last Sunday, due to a chemical explosion," said the News Reporter on Monday. Grimbo held the scepter firmly, feeling like a god. He gazed into the abyss and, realizing his past, jumped down upon his fate. He found himself deeper into his journey of despair, and began weeping. Peering deep into her beautiful breasts, Grimbo was smitten with the urge to smash her face into the headboard. Lustful, Grimbo charged deep into the pussy, only to realize it didn't fit into his lifestyle. Looking up, he saw people staring. He couldn't bear to look at Jesus, his disappointed concubine. Grimbo screamed. He became overwrought with regret, scrambling for his loincloth. Jesus didn't want his party to end, birthdays were rare, grapefruits were root vegetables, except during the Holocaust. Grasping dongs, Grimbo made a break for it.
Sonic, rolling around at the speed of sound, happened to meet Grimbo near the crossroads.
"Where hast thou been, mien fuhrer? Thou hast forsaken me for another," whimpered Sonic.
"I could kill you in a variety of ways," threatened Grimbo, growling superfluously. His dong began to expand, towering above the nearby watchtower.
"Thou hast grown, fuhrer. Not after I commit to my inner demon's seductive wails will I remain inferior," challenged the blue blur. Straining his pectoral muscles, Grimbo unleashed an unearthly screech. His sentimental words caught wind, and people heard the battle rage, including Jesus.
Jesus gazed through Sonic, he had eyes of blue steel. Determination filled in his soul. His legs began to rush to Grimbo, and Sonic raised the power within himself, unleashing his inner werehog. Blood rushed to his soul, expanding his heart and dong. Lights flashed from corner to corner. The battle began to intensify. Swinging their dongs forcefully, but Jesus wept away as the sex quickened. Sonic became tired, thrusting that booty around started to invigorate their passion. Grimbo couldn't stand the look of Sonic's wet, loving gaze. Jesus told Satan to stop the crisis of coitus, but Sonic overheard. Satan's little whispers began to asphyxiate Sonic, the sulfurous gasses made his balls shrink and shiver.
Grimbo realized he couldn't bear seeing Jesus killing himself. He called out into the abyss, "Someone, please get some butter for my PS4!" Jesus loved Christmas so much, that he thought to fetch The Messenger of Memes. He called upon The Messenger of Memes, who sought to bring pancakes to boys parties, as well as end world peace. Butter dripped unto Jesus' pancakes, giving him emptiness inside. The Messenger fled quickly, after pancakes were expanded.
Santa looked through his crystal meth, saddened by the lack of family bonding. Hopping across the continent, never letting the hope die, Santa arrived.
"What the fuck, dudes?! You damn commies should learn the true meaning of Christmas!" Santa slapped Sonic across the ass, "You've been a very good boy this year!" Santa gave Grimbo a uppercut to the balls, "Bad, Grimbo! Why did you leave Sonic? He really loved your delicate breasts!" Grimbo looked at Sonic, peering at his rippling muscles. Filled with determination, he became regretful, bounding upon Sonic, Grimbo turned his hatred into love. Jesus knew that this was the way it should be. Everyone cried, and everything was spiffy. Not a care in the world, Santa bailed to houses to deliver presents, shouting "HAFFY HOWRRIDAAAYSSS!"

THE END