A/N: I've wanted to write a one-sided Shinji/Mitsuru story for quite a while now. This fic took longer (and ended up much longer as well) than I had expected because writing in Shinji's point of view proved quite challenging! Ugh. Anyway, the title is from the song Gravity by John Mayer; a perfect accompaniment while writing.
I've proof-read this but let me know if there're any typo/errors. As usual, there're some sexual themes but not explicit enough to warrant an M-rating, I'm sure...
Gravity…
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down…
- Gravity; John Mayer -
o-o-o-o-o
They rained on him—the drops of water, the fire spreading over his skin. Fingers running across burning flesh again and again, a grunt escaping his lips now and then. He could hear the overflowing shower head, his eyes locked onto the drain below him, vaguely tracing the swirls of soapy water and his sweat. Within the heavy cloud of steam, he saw a mirage, a hint of crimson—her colour. His motion quickened as images of her quickly overwhelmed him, sending his knees shaking, filling the gaping hole in him with intense desire.
He bit his lip. Squeezed his eyes shut. Saw her in the darkness, bathed in red, looking at him, wanting him as much as he wanted her. Whispered her name in need in the final moments of his ecstasy.
… When he recovered, the stain of his essence on the bathroom wall filled him with an awful sense of self-loathing and despair. Breathing hard, he leaned his forehead against the cool tiles, a fist slamming against the pipes. He had sworn to himself—never again—but had he been foolish to believe that he was actually strong enough to overcome this?
o-o-o-o-o
It was a road he had decided not to walk down ever since he had been a child. As he grew older, Shinji had made up his mind that getting romantically involved with someone was more trouble than it was worth. He had seen the complications 'girlfriends' and 'boyfriends' brought to people—hysterical break-ups, depression, all that crying and 'wanting them back'. No, girls were fine as colleagues or friends, never otherwise. He was contented with the way his life was. Having a lover meant compromises and that was something he hated to do. He didn't think he'd be able to commit himself to someone else anyway when he wasn't even interested, to begin with.
Akihiko was just like him. He had no time for girlfriends and was even beginning to dislike his flock of gawking fans. Shinji would never say, but he was glad about that. If Aki had hooked up with someone, chances were they probably wouldn't be able to go out for stuff like ramen or beef bowl anymore. As much as he hated being lectured by the boxer, he enjoyed the company, at least.
To be completely honest, the first time he met Mitsuru, he immediately had the feeling that they wouldn't be able to get along very well. Hell, once he found out that she was a Kirijo, things pretty much went downhill from there. Even though he knew it wasn't right at times, Shinji was the type of person who judged a book by its cover. He remembered Aki's wary voice as he introduced the pretty, serious and stiff redhead standing by him. He sort of sensed that even his silver-haired friend was uncertain about whether they were going to hit it off. He remembered noticing her well-polished nails, the expensive cellphone in her hand, the business-like schoolbag she was holding. And he remembered thinking, "Oh shit."
"… Kirijo, huh?" were his first words to her. In his head, he was already wondering how Aki could tolerate helping someone like her. He didn't know much about the trading world but he did know that the Kirijos were stinking rich. Electronics, medicine, engineering—just a few of the fields they were key players in. He had even heard that they had built a private school somewhere on Port Island or whatever, and like pretty much all the other loaded students around him, Shinji was positive she was going to be a snob.
However, all his initial opinions about her began to melt away when she gave him a small smile and held out her hand. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you, Shinjiro Aragaki." Her tone was very formal; slightly assertive but not condescending or conceited as he had expected. He had stared at her for a while, unmoving, wondering if she was putting up an act, but she merely held his gaze silently, hand still extended. Unconsciously raising an eyebrow, he took her hand and shook it with a grunt. He noticed her glancing at the dirty cuff of his sleeve, but there was no disdain in her eyes as there had been with some of his other classmates and that left him a little surprised.
"Are you sure she's a Kirijo?" Shinji had asked Akihiko when they were walking back to the dorm after the brief meeting. The boxer had just laughed and said, "She's different from the others, huh?"
Shinji got to know her better when he joined the team and as he soon learned, Mitsuru was nothing like the other wealthy kids at school. She was bright, generous and helpful but also stubborn and surprisingly clueless at times. "… I'm afraid I had a rather sheltered upbringing," she had openly admitted once. Needless to say, she was nothing like Shinji had first imagined she'd be. It wasn't long before both he and Akihiko started to take her under their wing like a younger sister. Perhaps she sort of reminded them of Miki in some ways, but regardless of their bond, she was still very formal with both of them; something he actually found quite amusing. No matter how much he insisted that she just called him Shinji, she always stuck to Shinjiro instead. Aragaki at times, but never Shinji. Akihiko remained Akihiko; he couldn't recall ever hearing her call him Sanada or Aki.
Her abilities on the battlefield had surprised him as well. She was more than capable of holding her own against the Shadows. Sometimes he wondered why she ever needed help from them in the first place. Like him, though, she appeared to share the same ideas about Akihiko's recklessness. He couldn't count the number of times he had wanted to snicker at Aki's look of consternation as Mitsuru scolded him for the crazy stunts he pulled.
"Why the hell are you taking her side?" the boxer had grumbled once.
"Tch, 'cause she's right, of course. You're gonna get yourself killed one of these days if you just jump into something without thinking, Aki."
o-o-o-o-o
After the incident with Amada's mother, Shinji's relationship with the two of his teammates became strained. He spent a few days alone, withdrawing into his shell, trying to overcome the immense guilt and self-worthlessness in him. He had known that his control of Castor was questionable at times but he never thought that his pride and overconfidence would be the cause of an innocent's death.
"You're kidding, right?" Aki demanded when he had told them about his decision to leave. Nearby, Mitsuru was watching him without a word, arms crossed and expression unreadable.
"Why the hell would I joke about something like this?" spat Shinji harshly. "I'm almost done packing. I'll be out by tomorrow." Akihiko's face darkened and he clenched his fists tightly.
"… You have somewhere to stay, then?" Mitsuru spoke for the first time. Shinji nodded silently.
"You're just gonna let him go, Mitsuru?" Akihiko's tone was with disbelief as he turned to her with a frown but she quietly said, "He has made his decision. I have no right to question that."
Saying no more, Shinji left to head back to his room, hands tucked warmly in his coat pockets. He was going down the stairs when the door of the fourth-floor meeting room flung open and Aki came rushing towards him. "Shinji! Why are you doing this?"
It's easier this way, answered Shinji in his mind but he just kept walking.
"I know it's about that night but if you stay, we can get through this together—just like how we did with Miki. I know we can," Aki said earnestly. When he received no response at all, his hand reached out to grab Shinji's shoulder but was roughly shrugged off instead. "So you're just gonna run away, huh?" His voice turned cold. "You think that'll make things better? No matter what you do, nothing's gonna change what happened. You have the power to fight but if you'd rather just waste—"
"Fuck off, Aki." The boxer's words were cut off by Shinji's growl and the loud slam of his door.
A few days after he had left, he bumped into Mitsuru in one of the hallways in school. She had just stepped out of the Student Council room with a thick pile of folders in her arms. When she caught sight of him, she smiled and greeted, "Hello, Shinjiro."
His reply was very short, "Hey."
"Have you been well?"
"… I'm alright." He shrugged, already noticing the curious glances from some other students nearby. It wasn't everyday that the Student Council Vice President publicly spoke to someone like him, after all.
Concern slowly clouded over her amber eyes and, in a quiet tone, she said, "I know Akihiko has been rather persistent these days, but I understand and respect your decision, Shinjiro. You have been an immense help to the both of us and I'd like to thank you for that. Know that if you ever change your mind, the door to our dorm is always open."
Shinji chewed on his bottom lip, shifting his weight to his other foot, his fingers scratching his head under the beanie. He was not used to people expressing their gratitude towards him, so he just blurted the only words that came to mind, "Tell Aki to stop hassling me. He's starting to piss me off…"
o-o-o-o-o
His control on Castor had gradually been slipping for a while now; he hadn't had a good night's sleep in months and a head-splitting migraine accompanied every Dark Hour. He had tried taking aspirin and those other shit they sold at the pharmacy but none of them did him any good. More often than not, he'd wake up in a cold sweat, lightheaded and dizzy, sensing his Persona's rebellion for freedom within him.
When he first heard about the drugs, a part of him had been sceptical, but the other half of him began to cling to the idea and hope that maybe they would ease his pain. The pills given to him by the lanky, bright-eyed man with a strange smile looked like any normal supplement or medication but their effect was immediate. Within minutes of downing them, he felt much better—Castor fidgeting restlessly but calming down to a silent slumber. His headache disappeared and it was as if the weights had been lifted off his shoulders.
"Effective, aren't they?" the pale man had said. "Of course, they need to be taken regularly and they're not without side effects either. But you do not look like someone who fears death… or do you?" His haunting smile widened.
Shinji was at that point of his life where he honestly didn't care. He just paid for a whole bottle that night—and every month after that.
o-o-o-o-o
There were times he woke up trembling and shivering violently, almost in fits. Sometimes he found difficulty in focusing his vision; other times he threw up or even coughed up blood. The side effects were nothing compared to what he would have experienced without the pills, though. He had been so accustomed to taking them that even a night without his usual dosage sent him careening off the brink of insanity. With them, he finally felt that once again he was in control and so he wasn't concerned about anything else, even though deep down he knew that they were slowly killing him. But what did that matter? He had taken someone else's life before anyway. What right did he have to question his own premature death if that was what fate tossed into his way?
Shinji was relieved that Aki did not catch on to the drugs. It had been almost half a year since he had left and the latter had stopped pestering him to return. They sometimes saw each other in school but other than the weekly ramen or beef bowl now and then, they hung out less often than before. He rarely saw or talked to Mitsuru as well; she busying herself with schoolwork, Student Council and business matters. For the umpteenth time, he found himself wondering how the hell she managed to balance everything with SEES and still come out top in class.
The months he spent away from them were tough but mostly uneventful. The guilt from his past actions still ate away at his guts and the thought of killing himself sometimes crossed his mind, but he never ventured down that dangerous path. Suicide was for the weak—the people who wanted to take the easiest way out of the shit they got themselves into, and he most certainly wasn't one of them.
He got bolder and started to cut classes, finding odd jobs for cash, mostly to sustain his supply of the suppressants. He occasionally got into fights with some of the punks who roamed around the back alleys at Port Island Station but they soon learned to leave him alone. He continued popping pills, becoming more and more used to the side effects, and he got a little better acquainted with the man who supplied them to him, although he still didn't know his name. Shinji didn't care—he didn't really like the guy anyway. His two lackeys were no different. The girl was not unattractive but whenever he looked at her, it was as if he was looking at a person without a soul. The other guy with glasses seemed placid but had an annoying manner of speaking. Whenever he opened his mouth, Shinji often got the urge to smack him good. The three of them never divulged their identities but merely referred to themselves as Strega.
Despite all this, there was something that he pleasantly looked forward to. He had found a stray dog at Naganaki Shrine and had begun to feed it regularly. The dog was a handsome white thing with piercing, garnet eyes and seemed quite friendly. One of the kids living near the shrine mentioned that it used to belong to a monk who had been killed in a car crash.
He didn't know exactly how he felt when Aki told him that Amada had voluntarily joined SEES. To be honest, he didn't even know why he agreed to return. Was it because a part of him felt the need to look out for the boy after what he had done, or because on some level, he actually saw himself confessing his sins?
His room had remained untouched, unchanged; he was the one who was different now. He met the rest of the team at dinner and when he saw Amada, a knot tightened in his chest. The young boy had simply stared at him with an uninterested expression. Later that evening, when Shinji went back upstairs to unpack, Mitsuru caught up with him on the way. "I'm very pleased to see you back, Shinjiro," she had said. "You'll find that our operations are very different from how they used to be. I'm sure Akihiko has told you we're more aggressive now."
"How's the leader—Arisato, was it? He any good?" Shinji asked. He raised an eyebrow when a mysterious smile touched her lips.
"Oh yes, he is," she answered. "You'll be pleasantly surprised when you see him in battle."
Shinji shrugged and was turning to head to his room when she continued, "I'm curious, Shinjiro. What made you come back?"
He paused at her words and she must have noticed the stiffening of his figure, the way his shoulders tensed up, because she cleared her throat awkwardly. "My apologies," she said honestly. "It's too soon for questions like that. Regardless, it's good to have you with us again. I'll see you in the morning."
But even after she had left, he found himself silently asking that same question: what the hell was he doing there?
o-o-o-o-o
He was already accustomed to the side effects of the suppressants, but the night after he had rejoined SEES, something else began to manifest within him. He had initially thought that it was just his mind playing tricks on him. He was seated in the living room with Koromaru by his feet, watching the rather boring soap opera on TV. He would have liked to switch to the next channel—he knew there was a cooking show on—but he wasn't exactly alone. Yamagishi, Arisato and Takeba were on the next couch and Mitsuru was in the kitchen. They were busying themselves with something else but he just wasn't comfortable watching a cooking programme with them around.
"Shinjiro, can we switch to the news for a moment, please? I'd like to catch the weather update," Mitsuru said when she came around with a cup of tea and a plate of cake. He merely changed the channel without a word. She sat herself down next to him, taking a sip of her tea.
And then his world came to a blinding halt. She leaned past him a little and as she reached out to pat Koromaru's head, he caught a whiff of her perfume. The sweet, pleasant scent instinctively drew his eyes from the TV to the top of her head, trailing down the curve of her neck to her loosened collar. She had removed her ribbon when she arrived home from school.
He wrenched his gaze away at once, his mind overflowing with mystified questions about what just happened. Had he… been hallucinating? His face burned, but the blood was not only rushing to that part of his body. He stared at the weatherperson commenting on the coming rain but the only thing he saw in his head was her pale, unblemished skin. There was a strange but familiar tingle in his stomach. He felt her sit back on the couch; she took another sip of her drink and a sigh escaped her lips—calm, contented, practically sensual. His pulse hiked.
Moving abruptly, Shinji got up and left without another word. He barely heard Koromaru's soft whine or noticed Mitsuru's raised eyebrows. The dimness of his bare room was a welcomed comfort but when he sat down on his bed, the strain in his pants was obvious. He inhaled deeply, every breath reminding him of her scent even though the only things he could smell were the cardboard boxes nearby. His heartbeat boomed in his ears and in between the rhythmic drums, he heard that sigh of hers again.
Before he knew it, his pants were already undone and the moment his fingers touched that hard, hot part of himself, his mind ran free with all sorts of images about her. Her flawless skin, her soft neck, her arching form on his bed, the shape of her lips, the luscious curves of her—
His release was short and quick but powerful, and as he sat there with his tainted hand, panting heavily and catching his breath, a dark void of shame began to grow in his heart. Nausea suddenly overwhelmed him and with his pants still around his ankles, he stumbled over to the bin and threw up his dinner, sinking onto the floor limply. Guilt and disgust stabbed his heart fiercely and he quickly scrubbed his hand clean with a tissue, as if wanting to cleanse the gritty, dirty feeling within him.
Shinji couldn't believe what he had just done… with Mitsuru of all people in mind. She was pretty, yes, but he wasn't supposed to think about her that way. She was his friend, his comrade—almost a sister to him, for fuck's sake. It was just… wrong. She trusted him with all her heart and he had betrayed that trust in the filthiest way possible. He knew increased libido was one of the side effects of the drugs, but it had never been a problem before. He puzzled on how quickly his body had reacted to her—it wasn't even as if she had been wearing something provocative. Her scent had been enough to stir his loins.
Things changed rapidly after that night. He had told himself that it wouldn't happen again, that he couldn't let it happen, but like a preying animal, it struck at the most unexpected of times—at school, in the shower, in his room, even on a train once. At first he thought it was because he wasn't used to having so many girls around him, but no, it only ever happened with Mitsuru. He had helped Yamagishi clean the kitchen one day, after her botched attempt at making some riceballs, but the close proximity with her had no effect on him, not even the slightest. When he saw Mitsuru for the first time that day, however, the alien feeling started to nestle in his stomach.
Shinji despised himself for having such vile thoughts about her, for being so weak. All this time he had thought that his strength was unrivalled but like a raging beast, he couldn't even contain his carnal desires. Countless times he swore to stop that despicable act, only to give into his lust and fill himself with wild fantasies about her the next moment the urge came along. Why, he questioned again and again, is it always her? He couldn't see her and not feel ashamed, guilty; not want to hit himself.
She began to invade every crevice of his mind; his thoughts, his dreams. He saw her everywhere—in his books, on the board in class, on TV, when he closed his eyes, when he slept, everywhere. It drove him mad. He didn't understand what he was going through—why he was going through all this—and he yearned for everything to just go away. He stopped taking his pills one night, hoping that perhaps that would ease his despair, but Castor's reaction to that chance of freedom had been almost too much for him to handle. He had no choice but to down his usual dosage.
… Fucking weak. He had been saying the words to himself for so long that they were starting to sound like a mantra.
o-o-o-o-o
It was strange, but after Aki had planted his fist into his face, the sharp pain actually made Shinji feel a little better. He remembered wanting, almost hoping, that the boxer would punch him again. With all the sick things he had been doing, he deserved it all.
"… We promised, remember?" Aki was saying quietly, his grey eyes glinting. "To become strong enough to do what's right… So why the drugs? Why didn't you come talk to me?" A plea.
… Can't tell you everything, Shinji found himself answering silently. She'd hate me.
o-o-o-o-o
He thought about her more often than before now and he was relieved that at least not all his thoughts were purely sexual. She had stopped forcing her way into his head; nowadays he let her in even before she came knocking. He thought about the elegant way she sat and drank her tea, the way she quietly smiled, the way she pushed back her crimson bangs in a huff. The way she said his name.
He liked them all; everything that she did.
In the past, he used to just ignore the many couples walking around in the mall, but now he'd see her instead; laughing, beaming as she clung onto his arm. The image sent alarm bells ringing in his mind. Was that from the pills or his true feelings? Was it genuine affection or plain hunger for her body?
Did that mean he wanted them to be more than friends?
Was he… falling for Mitsuru?
At that, his jaw tightened. No. He had decided this years ago, vowing never to walk down that road. Romance, girlfriends—he didn't have time for that shit. He couldn't deny that on some level, Mitsuru had always held a special place in his heart, but even if he had wanted something more from their friendship, what hope did he have with someone like her? She was his closest female friend and they connected at times, but save for the facts that they both possessed a Persona and went to the same school, they had absolutely nothing in common. Their worlds were as different as night and day.
His heart was lead heavy when he returned to the dorm that evening. He knew that his feelings for her were beginning to cross that thin line between friendship and something more intimate. He hated himself for breaking his own rules, for venturing into that territory he always thought was a waste of time. "Girls complicate life." He remembered saying that to Arisato once. The words had somewhat applied to him as well at that time, but it was only now that he realised just how true they were.
o-o-o-o-o
"You grew up with Sanada-san, didn't you, Aragaki-san?" Amada's question surprised him one evening. The boy had never spoken to him before. He was seated in the dining room, leafing through some manga, while Shinji was making himself some fried rice in the kitchen. They weren't alone; Iori was also at the table with his handheld console and Aigis was scratching Koromaru's belly in the living room.
"… Yeah," was Shinji's curt reply.
"And you were in SEES before, too, right?" The kid's tone was harmless, but Shinji couldn't help tensing up, his eyes narrowing warily. He gave a silent nod.
"Wow," Amada continued. "It must have been really tough with just the three of you on the team."
"What are ya talkin' about, Ken?" Iori looked up from his game, rolling his eyes. "Shinjiro-senpai's freakin' strong! Even if it had just been the three of them, with him on the team, things would have been a piece o'cake, eh, senpai?" The junior wiggled his eyebrows in a ridiculous manner, but Shinji just shrugged. Even as he continued cooking, he didn't let his guard down, almost sensing someone eyeing him watchfully from behind. He half expected Amada to ask him about his reasons for leaving, but the boy never said a word.
They didn't speak to each other again.
o-o-o-o-o
The urges were becoming less and less frequent now—this, he was very relieved about. He still kept his emotions in check but couldn't help watching her at times. She was so… different from the others of her calibre. People of her status usually wanted nothing to do with someone like him, but she had always treated him like any other person. Beautiful, he thought, inside and out.
Despite his views on relationships, he would have been contented if things had just stayed the way they were, but everything changed one Dark Hour in Tartarus. For some reason, Arisato had picked his three senpai for the exploration that night. Shinji didn't have a problem with that—he was getting tired of being left behind all the time anyway—so he just silently followed the group up the haunting tower. The Shadows they encountered were strong but even though the team was well matched, he made sure to look out for her as well.
If he hadn't been constantly giving her furtive glances, he would have missed it completely. They had just defeated the guardian on one of the floors and he was turning to Aki, who had been knocked down just before, only to see Mitsuru by his side. She was helping him up; pale, slender fingers holding onto leather gloves.
"Are you alright?" she asked. Akihiko just nodded with a grunt.
Shinji swallowed the question on the tip of his tongue and averted his gaze. It had only taken a second, but he had seen the look on their faces. The look they gave each other.
He wasn't stupid. There was definitely something there, in their eyes.
"We'll take a look on the next couple of floors, and then we'll call it a night, okay?" Arisato said when he came back with the treasures from the room nearby. Akihiko and Mitsuru concurred, but Shinji remained silent. His mood had darkened.
As expected, the following few floors had less enemies than usual. As Shinji trailed behind his three comrades, his stare alternated between the redhead and silver-haired boxer in front. Even during battles, he kept a watchful eye on them, wanting to catch on any telltale signs. He didn't know why he was trying so hard. It was as if a part of him refused to believe what he had noticed before and wanted further proof. He soon got it.
They encountered a Shadow which, according to Yamagishi, was fire-based. Arisato had immediately switched to a suitable Persona. Shinji's attention wasn't even on the enemy—he was looking at Akihiko. Aki had stepped forward, Evoker in hand, and he was telling Mitsuru to get back.
There it was again. That look in his eyes. Seeing it for the second time let loose something inside Shinji. His mind went blank. He remembered summoning Castor to attack and seeing Arisato unleash a wind spell. "It's weak against Bufu skills! But be careful, Mitsuru-senpai." He remembered Yamagishi's echoing voice. He recalled noticing the Shadow turning to lash out at Aki, and although Shinji knew he was in the right distance to attack and distract the enemy's attention away from his childhood friend, he just stood where he was, choosing instead to watch the Shadow deal a powerful blow on the boxer. He remembered the brief prickle of contentment in his heart when he heard Aki's yell of pain.
"Akihiko!" Mitsuru's voice, concerned and alarmed.
"I'm alright, just finish it!" Aki said just as she pulled the trigger and summoned Penthesilea, encasing the Shadow in ice and catching it off guard. One final attack from Arisato ended the battle.
"You okay, senpai?" The bluehead asked as he approached the senior on the floor. Mitsuru was kneeling beside him. Shinji remained where he was, silent, staring, empty.
"Ahh shit, I hope I haven't cracked a rib again," groaned Akihiko in dismay as Mitsuru cast Diarama on him. She gingerly inspected his torso and abdomen. "If it doesn't hurt, you're fine," she said. She kept her hands on him longer than she needed to, Shinji noticed. "Arisato, do you still want to continue on?" she inquired.
"Let's just find the access point and head back. I'm getting a little tired."
Shinji got no sleep that night, wrecked with immense guilt and loathing himself more than ever. He thought about the way the two of them, Aki and Mitsuru, had looked at each other; the way they watched each other's backs almost instinctively. He didn't want to believe that seeing Aki get hurt had actually brought him pleasure and satisfaction—and all because he had been fucking jealous.
Out of the blue, inexplicable anger and hatred filled his mind. Why, he questioned silently, is it him and not me? They were both orphans; they had no home, no past, nothing, so how was Akihiko different from him? How was Akihiko—the reckless, persistent, one track minded idiot who couldn't even crack an egg properly for an omelette—better than him?
As quickly as the emotions came, they suddenly dissipated and Shinji was left with a terrible feeling of dejection and despair. He buried his head under his pillow, squeezing his eyes shut and wanting to tear his hair out. What was this inhuman creature clawing its way out and taking over him? He hadn't realised that he had so much darkness in his heart. Aki was his oldest friend and practically his brother. He shouldn't feel that way about him… and who was he kidding? Of course Mitsuru'd go for Aki. She had found him first, after all. He was popular, better looking, got the good grades. Undefeated champion in the ring. Sportsman of the Year.
… And him? Shinji was like dirt compared to Gekkoukan's Golden Boy.
o-o-o-o-o
When he thought about it, he supposed it was only natural that Aki's relationship with Mitsuru went deeper than his. It was no surprise that the two of them might have gotten closer in the years they were the only SEES members. He watched their interactions in the dorm and during the Dark Hour, wondering why he had not noticed those little telltale exchanges between them. His own mere six-month-bout with SEES was no match for Aki's two years alone with her. His initial jealousy soon turned to envy and then finally, acceptance. This is how it should be, he told himself as he saw them walking off to the library to study one rare afternoon he was at school. Aki was the right person for her. He would keep her safe, care for her, protect her, and he wouldn't run away from his problems like Shinji had done once. Aki really was… better than him.
"One more week until the next full moon," the boxer had said excitedly as the both of them were waiting for their ramen one day. He was like a little boy yearning for his first ice-cream.
"Tch, you never change, huh?" Shinji muttered, idly playing with his chopsticks. Akihiko gulped down some of the energy drink he brought along before turning to his friend with a serious face. "Are you alright, Shinji? I noticed that something about you seems a little off lately…" he said.
"Fine," came the laconic answer.
"… The side effects…" The words were said under Aki's breath but he heard them anyway.
"I told you, I'm handling them," he had said just as two steaming bowls of noodles were pushed before them. "Now shut up and let me eat in peace."
The night before what everyone thought would be their second to last operation, Shinji took Koromaru out for a walk. Arisato had initially volunteered to do it but suddenly remembered about some homework he had to finish. Shinji didn't mind—he liked dogs and Koromaru had been a good companion in that period he had been away from SEES. The both of them stepped out of the dorm just as Mitsuru was walking up to the front doors. When he saw her, he stiffened a little, his pulse automatically speeding up. Koromaru gave a cheerful bark.
"Hello, Shinjiro," she greeted him with one of her rare smiles.
"Hey," he said, his gruff tone belying the expression in his eyes. She bent down to pet Koromaru. He raised an eyebrow at the schoolbag in her hand. "Did you just get back from school?"
"Yes, I was studying at the library," she answered.
Where the hell do you get such motivation? He wanted to ask but instead he found himself saying, "I'm taking the dog out for a walk. Do ya wanna come along?" The moment the words left his lips, he knew it was a bad idea. What was he thinking?
He expected her to decline, considering she was almost always occupied with other matters, but to his surprise, she cocked her head to the side and seemed to consider his offer. "… Alright." She nodded. "It'd be nice to get some air. I've been spending too much time indoors lately."
He scratched his head and just returned her nod. Koromaru was already tugging on the leash impatiently. They headed to Naganaki Shrine and there, Shinji unchained their canine companion. He couldn't help the small, amused grin on his face as he watched the dog scamper about energetically, letting out short barks every now and then. Mitsuru sat down on one of the low stone ledges, setting her bag by her feet. He chose to lean against the nearby jungle gym instead. Sitting next to her would have been too uncomfortable for him.
"You've been back for about a month now, but we haven't actually got the time to sit down and talk," she said, pushing a red curl behind her ear.
"You're a busy person. It's no big deal."
"So how do you find being in SEES again?"
He took a moment to think about it. "… Really different from before. I didn't even know it was possible for someone to switch personas in battle, and a dog summoning a persona?" He glanced towards Koromaru, who was marking one of the lamp posts as his territory. "That's just crazy."
Mitsuru chuckled; a faint, melodious sound. His gaze was drawn back to her. She looked extremely beguiling under the moonlight but he couldn't keep his eyes on her for long. It hurt him too much to do that. There was a brief silence as they observed Koromaru run around, sniffing places, digging in the sand, and then she broke the pause with a question that he wasn't expecting at all, "Shinjiro, can you tell me about Miki?"
He turned to her sharply. She was looking at him with an almost hopeful expression. "Aki's sister?" he said and she nodded.
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Shinji couldn't help saying. Her gaze shifted away for a second before resting back on him, amber eyes uncertain. "I suppose… I'm afraid it would still be too painful for him to talk about her," she admitted.
"… Why do ya wanna know?" he asked quietly even though he already knew what her answer would be. Again, she momentarily broke eye contact, but when she responded, the honesty on her face was clear, "We've been friends for a long time but Akihiko doesn't talk about his past much. I know Miki was an important person in his life… and I want to get to know that part of him. I want to understand him a little better."
Shinji knew she had not meant it to sound 'that' way, but for all he cared, she might as well had just confessed her feelings for their platinum-haired comrade there and then. He couldn't ignore the heavy feeling on his chest and, unable to stand still any longer, he began to pace around aimlessly, hands digging deep in his pockets. It shouldn't have come as a surprise, but hearing the words directly from her triggered something within him. Sadness and discouragement, as if it was now that he had lost all hope of ever having what he wanted.
He exhaled loudly, kicking lightly at a pebble. "Fire away," he mumbled.
"… What was she like?" It was a simple question, but as his mind flew back to the past, recalling happier, carefree times and images of a small, dark-haired girl skipping alongside two older boys, he suddenly didn't know where to start. Miki was Aki's sister, but she had been precious to Shinji as well.
"She was… a very happy girl." The words came out of his mouth before he even knew it and once he began, it became easier to continue on, "She was two years younger than us. She loved to draw and play soccer—I remember she used to pester Aki and me to bring her along when we went to the fields. Once, she caught a cold and had to stay in the infirmary, but we snuck her out to play because we felt sorry for her." By then, a wide grin had unconsciously settled on his face and he laughed quietly, "The matron gave us a thrashing for pulling a stunt like that. We couldn't feel our asses for days."
His smile faltered when he saw the rather horrified look on her face. Perhaps that hadn't been the right direction to go… Coughing softly, he shrugged and changed the subject, "The other younger boys at the orphanage used to pick on her quite a bit. She had this birthmark on her forehead and they'd make fun of it and that pissed Aki off like hell. He actually got into a couple of fights the first year he was there."
Mitsuru's eyebrows arched up high. "I'm having a rather hard time picturing Akihiko being that aggressive out of the boxing ring or when it's not regarding Shadows…" she remarked.
"Aki's always been a little hot headed," Shinji said wryly. He went on to tell her more; how much Miki liked takoyaki and yakisoba bread, how she used to cut Aki's hair, fail miserably and leave him in a mess, how she hated the cold and rain but loved springtime and sakura trees. He told her about how she almost drowned at the pool once, how panicked and crazy Aki had been, and how the three of them used to plan to make a trip to the beach when they were older. The memories, happy and sad, made Shinji realise how good it felt reminiscing about his other past. All this while he had only thought back about that fateful night he took a person's life. He had completely forgotten about the bright, lively days he used to have with Miki and Aki. The thoughts left him unusually poignant and melancholic.
But as with any other story, the end was imminent. "The night we lost her…" he said in a quiet tone, eyes lowering. "Aki and I were just heading back from the movies. Miki had wanted to come with us, but she chose to help out another girl with her homework instead. We… saw the fire from two blocks away…" The words were suddenly stuck in his throat, pricking him sharply like a stubborn fishbone. He bit his lip, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably and continued, skipping some of the details he couldn't bring himself to remember, "Aki wanted to get to her but they wouldn't let him. He was hysterical—screaming, crying; I had never seen him that way before…"
Mitsuru kept silent the entire time, her stare on the ground, arms still crossed. He couldn't see her countenance—she had turned away—but from her rigid posture and the way her fingers tightly clutched the fabric of her sleeves, he could already tell what she was feeling.
There was a yap and the click-click-click of paws against stone as Koromaru walked up to him, tongue lolling and panting hard, finally contented after all that running around. Shinji knelt down to lovingly fondle and scratch the back of his ears. The dog nuzzled up to him and then rolled over, legs in the air, wanting a belly rub. Shinji smiled and gave him just that. "… Miki was all Aki had," he murmured slowly. "It was hard for me to get over her death, but things were tougher for Aki. It was like someone just tore his heart out. He hated himself for being so powerless. That's why, since then…" he trailed off.
"All that training…" Mitsuru verbalized his very thoughts and he nodded. "Yup," he answered. "He wants to get stronger to protect the people that matter to him. That's why he channels all his energy and concentration on boxing and fighting Shadows—it ain't just an obsession, y'know…" He stood up to pull his coat closer around himself, feeling the wind picking up. "Doesn't stop him from being an idiot and rushing head on without thinking, though," he muttered, earning a tiny smile from her. "… Ready to go, Koro?" The dog got back onto his paws and gave a concurring bark. Shinji leashed him again and turned to Mitsuru, who was dusting off her skirt and picking up her bag. She appeared to be deep in thought as she walked over to him.
"I'm sorry for bringing up the unpleasant memories, but thank you, Shinjiro, for sharing." Her voice was understanding and sincere, and when he looked at her and saw the emotions reflected in her eyes, he was reminded of the fact that the only reason she really wanted to know everything was because of Akihiko—because she wanted to be closer to him. The throbbing ache in his heart was unavoidable, but as Shinji shifted his attention to the starry sky above him and stared at the clear, ashen moon, he knew the time had come.
As much as he didn't want to… as much as he hated giving up on something—someone—he yearned for… it was time for him to let go. He took in a deep, silent breath, gathering his strength.
"… You should tell him," Shinji whispered, his grip on Koromaru's leash involuntarily tightening. "Chances are, he feels the same way." Vague words, but he knew she would be able to decipher their meaning, and he was right. The way she stiffened was enough of a sign for him.
"What…?" Mitsuru sounded breathless. He swallowed the thick lump in his throat, just shrugged nonchalantly and then started to head back to the dorm.
This… He remembered thinking again. … This is how it should be.
o-o-o-o-o
The note had been slipped under his door. Shinji picked it up and read it. It was very short:
How long are you planning on running away? Alley behind Port Island Station, midnight.
Dark eyes narrowed. He read it again—twice—and then crushed it.
o-o-o-o-o
Oh, I'll never know
What makes this man
With all the love
That his heart can stand
Dream of ways
To throw it all away
A/N: ... Maybe I should have Shinji getting the girl and Aki having the one-sided relationship instead next time. Feedback, please: was Shinji OOC?