Immensity of Love

by tyrzgz

"You know that very rarely people are capable still being together after experiences like that. And I really don't mind if you want to leave me." She stated plainly, still not turning to him. His heart dropped. Particular time in DB marriage. Warning you have to deal with sorrow and pain.

AN: The canon is changed here. Most of things happened (They didn't like each other, hurt one another, dated other people, rivaled, schemed. Royal incident, became friends, romance etc.) Season 6 never happened basically. Dan isn't GG of course (pure nonsens) .
BUT ugly Ch. (you know - rapist, abuser, murderer etc.) dosen't deserve to be even supporting or guest character in the show, so in my head Blair was never interested in him and they never dated. The same with Dan and S. They never dated, zero romantic feelings. Skanky high school blondie is not Dan's (or mine) type. Another change is that Dan didn't take care of Milo and Blair never was pregnant. (This fic is mostly about babies so this modification is important).

Grammar, spelling or wrong using words (especially those medical) mistakes are mine (or my laptop, which improves the words without my knowledge and sometimes I'm simply not able to notice it.) English isn't my first language.

As always I kindly ask for forbearance.

Characters are not mine.

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Immensity of Love

It was spring, rainy morning in New York City; Dan was looking outside the window in the kitchen, sipping his coffee, not really delighted about the weather. His 5 years old son had his first trip with class colleagues from kindergarten that day, to the Bronx Zoo, one of his favorite place, which was why their choice for family trip so many times. It supposed to be perfect, sunny and warm day, full of joy and excitement for him, not one of those awful and cold times when being outside a bed was the last thing to want to do.

Breakfast was prepared, 3 plates, 3 cups, waffles, and 3 different additives – honey for Dan, blueberries for Blair and chocolate syrup for Noah. Dan's mood was quickly improved when he saw Noah who was coming down the stairs and Blair right behind him. He was adorable, unruly curls, camel pants, colorful plaid shirt and perfectly matching to an outfit little backpack, makes him boyish (he was a child though) and stylish as the son of the Blair Waldorf's befitted, in the same time. She wore jeans, brown, wedged ankle boots and light, woolen jumper, hair loosely pinned up in a bun – beautiful as always.

"Hey buddy!" Dan leaned to kiss a forehead of his son, who climbed on a chair, putting his bag on the table.

"Hi daddy." Noah said cheerlessly.

"What is wrong? You are not thrilled about a trip anymore?" He messed with his hair.

"I am, but…" He trailed off.

"We are in impasse about shoes selection." Blair joined and kissed her husband lips.

"Shoes selection?" He asked confused, giving her a cup with fresh coffee. She nodded thankfully.

"Mammy forces me to wear boots. I don't like boots."

"Oh. I get it." He nodded understandably. "Look." He kneeled to his high. "She forces me all the time too, ties for example, I hate them, but you should already know that she is crazy about the fashion and she won't give up." He said nonchalantly, but showing him, that he just banter with Blair. "As 'the Humphrey' you should just accept it, and agree with her every single time." He blinked at him. Noah smiled fully understood his dad's jokes.

Blair ignored Dan, and said. "Honey, I don't force you. Or you." She glared at Dan.

"Yhym."

"And by the way, I will remember this 'agree every single time'."

"Oh, I have no doubts that you do."

She narrowed her eyes annoyed, but continued turning back to Noah. "I just suggested that white sneakers aren't really good choice, considering this weather." She stroked his little back and took a sip of coffee. "Black leather boots are more suitable, sweetie." She ended. "And the most important thing, I'm the Humphrey too, so stop excluded me from your gang." She pointed. Dan smiled at that.

"Suitable to the weather of course." Dan interjected, winking at her.

"Of course." She said simply, pretending that her fashion taste had nothing to do with it.

"But they have laces."

"Hey, but you can lace shoes."

"But sometimes, I did it too loose and they are untied mostly of time."

"Listen." Dan said calmly. "I think mammy has right. Look outside." Dan held him up and put on the counter in front of the window. "There is wet outside. It would be very irresponsible of us, if we would let you go out in sneakers. You would probably end up sick. And if I could recall this weekend are birthday of grandpa Cyrus. But if you don't want to go…"

"Oh no. I want, want, want!" Little man jumped down from the counter, happily directly into Dan's arms, completely forgetting about a prior problem.

"I will lace your shoes the most I can, but if something happens just ask your teacher for help, ok?"

"Ok." He replied confidently, having his little palms on Dan's cheeks. Dan hugged him lightly and placed on his chair. Blair was very content, not because she won a battle, but about what she was watching, Dan and Noah, father and son, the most important people in her world, being like that, she wasn't able name it, they were just right, exactly like it supposed to be in every relation in every family. It was really hard to take the eyes off of these two men. Not only of them actually, their whole little family – was absolutely perfect.

"Please now, eating time."

Blair helped Noah and poured chocolate syrup on his waffle. Putting the bottle back, she looked adoringly at Dan, resisting her elbows on the table, propping a head.

"What?" He asked, smiling at her little embarrassed.

"Nothing."

"You are staring."

"You are fabulous."

"What?!" He laughed a bit.

"I love you." She declared. This was more like stating the obviousness, than making the confession.

"That's good, because I love you too." He kissed her deeply, not bothered about a boy who was sitting next to them, who seemed to be accustomed to such an open way of expressing his parents' love to each other. He just took another bite of his waffle, not hiding his grin.

(…)

Snacks, juice, tissues and several other necessary things were packed by Blair after a breakfast into Noah's backpack. All 3 of them were ready to go to the car.

"Dan, maybe he should stay at home. If he gets cold or… gets wet…"

"Blair." He warned her. "Don't be ridiculous. He will be fine, you made him waterproof and thermo active." He chuckled and pointed at Noah who was several steps before them, heading to the lobby.

Blair hit his arm. "Dan." She warned him this time. "But if something will happen?"

"For example?"

She thought. "I don't know. It's Bronx." She paused. Dan glared at her shaking his head. "Well ok. Nothing comes to my mind right now." He claimed, irritated that she couldn't make anything up.

"You are aware that we haven't any rational reason to convince him to stay at home. Beside I don't have heart to do this to him, look how happy he is."

Her heart warmed immediately at the view. "I know. Me too." She admitted.

"How long are you two going to chat yet? I will be late because of you." Noah asked, stopping at the glass door, knowing that he was not allowed to step out on the street alone.

"No worries, you will be on time."

"I hold you to your word mammy."

They laughed. "Now chief, could you please lead us to the vehicle." Dan said opening the door and letting a little man went under his arm.

"Did he just reprimand us?" Blair asked.

"Yep."

On the busy street, Noah reduced a distance between him and a couple who went hand in hand right behind him, but he still was a leader of the 'group' – very happy group.

(…)

Dan parked opposite a building of a school.

"Okay mister, here we are." He said.

Dan slammed a door behind his son and locked the car. Blair joined Dan quickly, they escorted Noah who was between them holding each parent hand, to the playground, where kids and caregivers waited already for the transport. When he saw his friends, he immediately dropped their hands, hugged them both and ran to a group.

"I feel marginal right now. Our son put us on the background with a heartbeat." He joked making a face.

"What do we have to offer, Dan? Nothing." She answered. "Our rivalry with toddlers is doomed to failure." She smiled at him and sighed after a moment. "Look at him, he is so comfortable and easy with other kids, and he is so happy." She paused. "You were right about sending him to preschool. As much I want him beside me all the time, and as much awareness that he doesn't need us anymore makes me sad, being with age-mates is very good for him."

Dan embraced her. "He just likes his friends, that's all. And believe me he needs us, exactly as much as we need him." He assured her undoubtedly and kissed her temple.

Dan and Blair greeted teachers and talked with them for a while. When bus arrived, children hurried in its direction. Noah sat at the window and waved to parents joyfully.

"See, he doesn't forget about us." Dan chuckled, waving. Blair was overwhelmed and extremely proud. Her son was going on the trip for a first time without them, and seemed to be okay with that, what still upsetting her but only a little bit.

When the bus drove away, they left alone on the pavement.

"Do you realize that we were only parents here?" She asked her husband. "They were 11 children, 5 teachers and we."

"And? It makes us bad people or what?"

"No. It makes us overprotective parents."

"Eee, I don't think so. Every parent wanted to be here, but they are probably at work. It's 11, though."

"And we should be there too, but we took day off because we wanted desperately be with him today. If it's not overprotective parenting, I don't know what is."

He laughed. "We just had an opportunity to do it, everyone in our situation would do the same, trust me. Loving a child it's not a crime."

She smiled widely, very glad that she had judicious and thoughtful husband, who always had good arguments and knew what to say to dispel her doubts or cheer her up. They walked with laced hands to the car.

Flashback

It's evening after Christmas dinner. It was their fourth Christmas as family of three. They were sitting on the floor next to colorful Christmas tree. Only the fairy lights and fireplace illuminated a room. Noah opened his presents this morning and of course was interested only in boxes with new puzzles, they promised him that at the evening they will compose them together.

"Okay I think we should draw lots." Noah said, he hid boxes behind his back. "Mammy you first."

"Okay, first one."

"Superman for you." She grimaced at that pick. "Dad?"

"Third please."

"You have…" He offered a box to Dan. "Paddington Bear. So for me left Toy Story."He smiled because he liked this movie. "Mammy if you don't like superheroes, you can exchange it with daddy." He looked caringly at her with these big, dark eyes of his. Dan passed a box with picture of bear in blue coat to her.

"No, no. It's great, I like it." She lied.

They scattered the elements and started working at them.

"I was wondering…" Noah began. Blair opened her eyes widely and repeated it to Dan by only moving her lips. He smiled gladly, proud on his son's attempt. "…why Santa brought me things, which I didn't ask for?"

"Honey, you don't like your presents?" Blair asked him concerned, after a moment.

"No. It's not that. I liked them, but I asked only for puzzle and new painting set. Not for several different painting sets or puzzles, remote controlled racing car, Lego blocks and move and groove scooter. It's just… too much."

"Too much?" She asked with incredulity. "He definitely took nothing after me." She said under her breath, only Dan could hear it, he giggled.

"I think Santa loves children very much, that's why he is very generous for every single one in this special day. And that is how surprises work, right, beside what you want, you get also something else you can enjoy."Dan tried to explain.

"But not everyone get presents from him." He stated. They didn't know what to say. "And if I would like to share these presents with someone else, you think he would be mad at me, Santa would be mad at me for that."He said still combining components.

"I don't think he will, but why you ask? What do you want to do?" She asked suspiciously.

"I don't know. I have plenty of Legos and cars and other toys. And maybe these new I could give to Hayden."

"Hayden?" Blair creased herforehead.

"Who is Hayden?"They both asked.

"Remember when we went to Central Park during the summer, he always played soccer with me. I met him again yesterday, when I was there with grandpa Rufus, he told me that he doesn't like Christmas that much as I do, and that he never got any present. It's weird because he is very nice and… just like everyone else, and still got nothing. It's not fair."

Blair's tear dropped on the carpet. Silent 'Oh' escaped from Dan's mouth. "Maybe Santa don't know where he lives, New York is very big city, it's easy to get lost, you know."

"I thought so, that's why I have his address. I will write a letter to Santa about that. Next time he will know." He smiled. "He is from Brooklyn, like you and me daddy. I will show you." He got up in this cute navy blue pajama in little airplanes, leaving his picture almost done. "I will be right back."He disappeared on the stairs.

"Dan. He is, he is…"She whispered, touched.

"From Brooklyn." Dan couldn't refrain himself. "He pointed that." He defended himself.

Blair snorted. "In half, at most."She replied with a smirk. They both stopped taking serious their taunts about origin years ago. 'How silly were we?' They asked, shaking their heads. They were only from different parts of the same city, though.

"I know, I know, he is incredible. And he is ours." He smiled.

"Yeah. Our genius. He can compose picture consisting of 60 elements, show me another child before 5 who can do it, and his wording so sophisticated as his age, he speaks so freely." She got closer to her husband, wrapping herself around him. "And he has such a good heart, he's so kind and sincere. And I blame you for that." She teased, kissing him.

"And I'm completely fine with that."

She was practically sitting on Dan's laps, with her chest on his, with her mouth on his, with their flying palms along their bodies, they were entirely lost in each other.

Noah passed next to them, with huge paper bag with reindeers on it in his hands, utterly impassive about his parents' action. "Are you trying to have another baby here?" He asked. They pulled away at once and looked at him surprised and blushed like their big secret came to light in that moment.

"Whence? From where that conclusion?" Blair asked innocently, licking her lips.

He glared at them with famous Dan's judgmental look, she could exactly see it at that moment. "I guessed."

"You can add sarcasm to the list. And he definitely didn't take it from me." Dan bantered. 'Yeah right' she thought. Blair didn't question it because she had something else in mind.

"Let me help you!" Dan turned to Noah, raising up to little man, wiping Blair's lipstick from his lips.

"Hey, Noah sweetie." She said, looking how he opened still empty bag. "Do you…" She hesitated. "Would you like to have a brother or sister, hypothetically speaking, of course." She risked.

"Yeah. It would be fun, having a brother."He answered openly. Dan and Blair smiled lightly at each other. "We could play together and open presents in days like today, and do a lot of things, it would be really nice."

Blair turned her head, hiding tears. Sad memory and missed opportunity made her emotional every time. But hearing things like that from Noah made these feelings even more heightened. Dan saw it and quickly asked Noah, trying to make her laugh. "So sister is not an option?" He blinked at him, putting car and blocks into the bag.

"No. Sister would be great too. I don't really have toys for girls to share, but I would take care of her." He declared and paused. "Like you care for aunty Jenny."He said joyfully and looked up at his dad.

Right now Dan was overwhelmed and completely touched. "Come here!" He took him in his arms. Kisses and tickle made Noah laugh and breathless in the same time. Dan faced him, still holding a boy. "I." The kiss. "Love." Another kiss. "You."And another. "Very, very much."

"I love you too daddy."He said it back in one breath. They hugged tightly.

Blair joined them, looking at an angel face, which was resting on Dan's shoulder. "What about me?"She kissed little lips.

"I love you too mammy." Noah said effortlessly. It's not because his age, it's because his personality. One of their great achievement was, that they were able to teach him expressing his feelings so easily, that is not a shame liking or loving someone, hugging or kissing each other.

"So. What we are going to do now."Dan asked. All three of them looked at the bag.

"We must send it to Hayden, but I don't know how." The boy said.

"Maybe dad could go there and give it to him tonight." Blair suggested.

"Me? Tonight?"

"Yes Dan. He has to get it tonight, in Christmas."

"Mammy is right. But I don't want him to know that it is from us, it could hurt him. He could think that we feel pity for him."

"Ok. Then we could say that Santa left it in our home by mistake…" She wrote 'For Hayden Spencer' on the piece of paper. "…and deliver it to him."

"That's super idea!" Noah said, still safety situated in Dan's arm. 'Years of scheming finally came in handy' she thought.

(…)

"I'm afraid, that is not very educational." Dan said to Blair, in a foyer when they were alone.

"It's for common good Dan."

"The lie is the lie." He stated firmly. "I won't teach my child how to lie, ok."He said, upset.

"Dan, he is intelligent. He sees a difference of this situation. You heard him, he distinguishes perfectly what is good and what is wrong." She tried to convince him. "He is the Humphrey, his moral standards are on unattainable level for ordinary mortals."She smirked slyly, trying to appease her husband. "There is nothing to worry about."

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes. "Well, it's time for me."He lifted a bag in the air. "Santa Dan is coming to Brooklyn." He pulled a face, hearing how it sounded. Blair and Noah waved towards him, standing in a door-step.

Later that night. When they put Noah to bed. Dan and Blair were cuddling in their own for a while.

"Blair, I've never seen in my entire life more grateful woman and more happy child. Being there was extraordinary and horrible experience in the same time. The stories she told me…" He paused, toying with her curl. "Jesus! Sometimes unawareness is like… I don't know blessing."He moved a little, getting more comfortable. She intertwined her fingers with his, squeezing them tight. "Who would have thought that stupid toys, because let's face it, these were just stupid toys, could restore someone's faith in a better tomorrow or maybe even save him."He said full of emotion.

Blair drew circles on his bare chest. "A woman?" She asked with hoarse voice, couldn't help her jealousy, knowing that was the most inappropriate moment ever.

He pulled her even closer, which was almost impossible. "This boy lives with his grandmother, only her. His parents are in jail… God!" He paused again, looking at the ceiling. "Terrible story, maybe for another time." She just nodded, nuzzling his breast."We are very lucky, Blair, very lucky." He ended. She knew that.

"We should help them." She faced him. "I don't know how yet, but we should, for this little boy. Some clothes and basic, domestic things could be helpful. I'll figure something out."

"I was thinking the same." He nestled into her. "Thank you Blair." She smiled at that.

After several minutes, she broke a comfortable silence. "I'm totally satisfied with every aspect of my life, our life. It's perfect. It's like dreams come true."She claimed heartfelt. "But… Are you wondering sometimes how it would have been if… you know…"She suspended her voice, sniffing.

"Everyday Blair. Every single day." He answered pensively, kissing a top of her head.

She wiped a tear from her cheek. "Me too."

End of flashback

"Noah is unbelievably lovely." Blair stated.

"Yes, he is."

"And I think he deserves sibling."

"Yes, he does."

She glanced at Dan, almost surprised.

"What? We were talking about it yesterday. And we agreed that we want to have another baby."

"Yeah, I know but we didn't agree 'when'."

"As soon as possible." He claimed just like that.

"Tonight?" She took a chance, biting her low lip.

"Tonight." He confirmed. He pointed a pilot on a car. Opening the door for Blair, he grinned at her. "So we are going to make a lot of love later, hyh."

"You are awfully cute sometimes." She stroked his cheeks gently. "Yes, we are."

"I can't wait." He rubbed his hands suggestively, going around a car. Blair just laughed out loud cheerfully. She can't wait either. Not only for making love to Dan, but also being pregnant again, holding a tiny bundle again. She dreamed about it. But she felt intense anxiety too, which was not completely inexplicable.

Flashback

"Dan!" She called him. "Dan! Are you here?"

"Nursery!"

Blair approached exited into babies' room.

"Hi!" She stopped surprised. "What are you doing?" Dan was unpacking boxes full of books and placed them on the shelves.

"Hi." He smiled and ran up to Blair. He kissed her passionately, holding her midsection and pulling her closer to him.

"What was that?" She asked couple moments later, licking her lips.

Dan shrugged. "Nothing, I greet my wife, and…" He paused and left two quick kisses on her stomach. "…my kids. How do you feel? Are you tired?" He was ready to put her to the bed for resting.

"No, no I'm great. But you didn't answer my question. What are you doing? What is this stuff?"

He grabbed her hand and leaded directly to his treasures. "Look what I found in loft." He showed her their brand new bookstand almost completely filled with books from his childhood. "As you know in ten weeks our little men join us here, and we must entertain them somehow, so I thought…"

"Dan!" She interrupted him, putting her arms around his waist and hugged him tighter. "That is excellent!"She became silent for a second. "What we have here." She scanned the shelves.

"Well classic mostly." He smoothed her back. "Golden book with wise tales like for example Ferdinand the Bull, all Grimm's Fairy Tales including The Queen Bee." He smirked. "Andersen's tales, Mother Goose Tale by Charles Perrault, One Thousand and One Nights, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Peter Pan, Anne of Green Gables, Winnie-the-Pooh,The Children of Noisy Village, American fairy tales by Lyman Frank Baum, other American authors are too. And of course Aesop's Fables." He stopped counting. "And many, many more."

"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, The Adventures of Pinocchio, The Secret Garden, The Night Before Christmas, The Little Prince, The Wonderful Wizard, Pippi Longstocking, Jules Verne and Charles Dickens books." There were countless of titles, and some boxes were still unpacked. "Dan you have everything here! All juvenile literature."

"Yeah pretty much." He said proudly.

"Can I add something to the collection?" She asked unsure, abashed a little, that she had only few copies in the bag.

"Blair, of course you can. You can do whatever you want with these books, they are yours." 'Oh Dan' She thought and kissed him immediately.

"I was in the bookstore and I saw these…" She pulled out from the paper bag twelve mini books. "There are some stories about bunny family, originally called Les Lapinos by Pierre Couronne. And they remind me so much of us."

"Oh. We are like the bunnies? Good to know." He joked. "It sounds insinuatingly by the way."He winced.

She rolled her eyes. "Look." Blair opened one of them. "For instance Les Lapinos Prennent Le Train." She said with perfect French accent. "There are bunny dad, bunny mum, bunny twin boys." She rubbed her belly. "And bunny little girl." She smiled.

He pondered for a second. "And everything is almost correct."

"Almost?"She frowned.

"First of all you will never travel by train."He teased her.

"Pff. Ok." She agreed with that. "Maybe title's choice wasn't accurate, but they are travel by plane or ship, they are going skiing, at the seaside, on the swimming pool." She showed him other covers. "So topics are still valid."

"Second of all you will never wear neon green shirt and purple skirt in yellow dots."He pointed at the illustration with bunny mum.

"Oh surprisingly you are not that tasteless that I thought. But bunny dad looks identically like you, this ratty gray T-shirt and awful jeans." She grimaced and checked him up. He just laughed and tightened his embrace. "And if you are going to say that we haven't a daughter, I will punch you in the face, I swear." She said annoyed.

"Well, technically we haven't, but…" He accented. "…we will have, right?"

She looked up at him with affection. "Yeah. We will." She almost whispered, moved by his statement.

"And the story is fantastic, I'm just messing with you."He kissed a top of her nose.

They unpacked rest of the boxes together, precisely speaking he unpacked, she sat comfortably on the armchair surrounded by pillows, just accompanying him. They deliberating which stories they should read to their sons first. Blair suggested that they should classified titles by age. So they did. Books for infants and toddlers were within reach, rest of them landed on the higher shelves.

End of flashback

.

.

.

Dan was collecting Noah's numerous drawings, empty pieces of paper, crayons and markers which were in all colors of the rainbow from the coffee table into the basket. He was smiling at the memory how his son is squatting on the pillows and drawing every single day since… forever, because he couldn't remember when he saw him with pencil for a first time – there where paintings with animals, characters from books or cartoons, cars and robots, and their family 'mammy daddy and me in the zoo', 'mammy and daddy kissing', grandpa Rufus and me'. He was so proud that he can write correctly the headlines completely by himself. 'Today he will draw his friends probably', Dan thought, and the inscription would sound for example 'Derek, Emma, tiger Ralph and me'. Dan loved watching him so focused on his tasks, he couldn't wait to see it again this evening.

Meanwhile Blair was bustling in the kitchen. She promised Noah that she would bake his favorite muffins – pumpkin muffins. When she removed last portion from an oven and left them to cool off, she put red oven gloves on the wooden table and approached to Dan with actual plan in her head. He was already sitting on the couch in the living room, reading and underlining something in his notebook using one of Noah's markers. Blair took things from him and put them on clean coffee table.

"Hey I'm pretty busy here."

"No, you are faking it." She straddled on Dan, settled herself effortlessly on his lap, facing him, with her knees outside his hips. "I was thinking…" She said playfully, drowning her fingers in his curls and kissing his lips. He pulled her hips towards him, his hands rested on her backside. "…that this is a perfect time…" She moved to his neck and started unbuttoning his shirt. "…to make our brand-new baby…"

"No." He protested. "Not now." He protested again not very decidedly, still fondling her, rubbing her thighs, next waist and back, pulling her closer and closer.

"Well your action speaks quite opposite, you know." She smiled lustfully, capturing his lips again.

"We have less than an hour. You don't want to do it in a hurry." He sighed breaking a kiss and catching a breath. "We have to pick Noah up from school… at 3." He continued his actions as before.

"We have enough time. If you stop talking, it will be even more." She began to moving on his hips encouragingly, then Dan's phone rang. "Don't answer, please." She begged.

He reached into his pocket, with a view to off it. "It's from school." He said, startled. She gave him a space, little worried but still holding her arms on his neck. He pressed green button. "Hallo." He cleared his throat. "Daniel Humphrey is speaking." He paused. "Yes, he is my son." He sat on the edge of the sofa, leaving his wife. "WHAT?!" He stood up and became really upset and tensed. Blair was afraid now 'Something is wrong. Is he hurt?' She stood right after him. He beckoned on Blair, still holding a phone at an ear. She was standing next to him and trying to hear what person on the other side of line was telling. "What accident? Which hospital?" He asked shortly. She was petrified 'oh no no no! accident? no! not hospital!'. He ended up the conversation quickly. Dan grabbed her hand, and they rushed through an apartment. He saw her pale face and tears on cheeks. He caught her head in his hands. "Blair, listen to me. Noah had an accident and ambulance took him to a hospital. I don't know any details. Headmaster doesn't know what kind of accident and what is his condition, because they provide information only to family members." She started to sob, he embraced her as tight as he could. "Blair, we have to go." She just nodded, speechless.

'No! No!'

'Why?!'

'Not again!'

(…)

Ride to the hospital was the longest in their life. In the cab, Dan calmed Blair a bit, telling her that he probably 'just' hurt himself falling from a swing and had couple bruises or grazes. When she asked him why they called an ambulance then, he tried to convince her, that was a procedure or maybe in the worst case he broke an arm or something. Blair acknowledged the explanation, it helped her gathered herself together, she decided stop guessing and waited for information. For Dan his own words were more like wishful thinking than belief.

Without jackets, Dan with unbuttoned shirt, Blair with mess on the head, they were running through the hall, stopping only by the Information Place.

"We are looking for Noah Humphrey." He asked a nurse, breathless, who was sitting behind a small window.

"Are you the family members?"

"Yes, we are his parents." He was tapping his fingertips on the counter, impatiently. Blair was looking around nervously.

"What is your name?"

Dan sighed loudly. "Blair and Daniel Humphrey."

"Full name of the patient."

"Noah Jeffrey Humphrey, born January 9th, 2015 at 8.03 PM, 5lbs 13oz and 19 and half inches long, now he is five years, 2 moths and 24 days old, and he is here, somewhere, alone and scared." Blair said with raised voice, waving in the air. "Could you kindly tell me, his mother…" She stressed. "…where?"

Looking on Blair, then on the papers, the nurse rose up and said. "Please follow me, I will show you the waiting room, the doctor will come to you right away."

A second later the doctor entered to the room.

"Hallo I'm Doctor Thomson and I will acquaint you with details about your son, ok." He said tranquil but firmly.

"How is he? Can we see him now? Maybe we should go straight to his room. He is far too long alone and frightened." Blair asked full of hope.

"I'm afraid this is impossible right now." He took a breath. "I will be honest with you his condition is very serious. He is unconscious. He has multiple internal injuries and lost a lot of blood. We are preparing him to operation right now." Dan shook his head with disbelieving. This was like movie, like he was in someone else's body, like alternative life, definitely not his.

"Wait, what?! Internal injuries? Operation? What operation? What really happened there?" Blair cried. She still stood only because Dan held her.

"Noah was hit by a car." Their jaws dropped. "I know this is shock for you, but we will do our best to get him out of it. You must wait here for at least couple hours. Then, I will be back with news." He paused. "Be of good heart!"

They both turned around not looking at him. Meantime the officer explained them cause of accident. Taxi driver tried to overtake a cyclist, who suddenly drove on the road. And he unfortunately didn't take control over the car on the slippery road and hit a boy and his teacher, who were on the sidewalk. When Dan asked why they were separated from the group. Policeman said that witnesses described that the woman helped a boy to lace up his shoes. Hearing this Dan panicked, he knew what was on Blair's mind in that moment. He looked at her and saw a denial and enormous guilt.

"Blair…"

Blair was shaking her head with disbelief. "So does it mean that our son fights for his life right now because of fucking shoelaces? Fucking shoes?"

"Blair…"

"It's all my fault. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" She beat her forehead. She started crying again.

"Blair! Stop!" Dan caught her hands, kneeling in front of her. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault, especially not yours. That was an accident."

"I should let him wear what he wanted." She spoke through the tears. "I insisted on boots only because they were more fashionable and were matching to the attire. That is the true!"

"No, no, no! You know that is not true. You know that! Look at me. Look at me!" He shook her a bit. "We both know that was not a reason, the reason was a rain, the fucking weather." He paused and calmed. "That was misadventure Blair. I convinced him to wear boots too. This is not your fault, understand?" She didn't answer. "Do you understand me!?" She nodded this time.

"But if I would have given him shoes without laces, we would be at home with him right now." She said, Dan sat next to her putting his arm around Blair.

"Blair, thousands of children are wearing shoes with laces. The accident wasn't because of fashion, rain or laces…" He suspended his voice.

"If he'll not survive this?" She changed a tone.

"Shh. Don't even think like that."

"If we'll lose him?"

"It's not gonna happen!"

"Why we have to go through this again? Why?"

"Everything will be all right. Everything will be all right this time."

Flashback

The scream of a new born baby boy pealed in the labor room. It's official, first little Humphrey was already on this world – loud, pink, healthy with luxuriant fuzz on a tiny head. Dan beamed from ear to ear, Blair arched and felt on the bed exhausted but relieved and full of joy.

"Congratulations! Boy number 1 is absolutely fine." Doctor said. "Are you ready Blair, we have another battle to win." Blair nodded obediently, tired, very tired. She had a second to take a breath. Dan was still holding her hand. He kissed her palm and brushed away hair from her sweaty forehead.

"Dan,I can't do this anymore."She said with imploring voice.

"Of course you can do this. You are incredible! Nothing less than amazing! Only couple minutes." He assured. "You can do this." He said certainly, kissing her temple. Now she was ready.

"Ok. There is the second one to welcome."

30 minutes later Blair was exhausted, her pushes were ineffective, personnel seemed to be uneasy, nurses stirred around the room in hustle. It last definitely too long. Dan felt it, felt that something was wrong.

"What is going on?" Dan asked concerned, looking around.

"Blair, Dan listen to me carefully. Placenta of the second baby peeled off too soon. We have to do c-section, immediately. Otherwise…"

"Stop. We know what that means. Just do it!" Blair ordered, on her last legs. "Dan don't go!"

"I'm not going anywhere." He squeezed her hand. "I'm right here."He forced to smile, trying to hide his fear.

This time instead of crying there was silence. 4, 11, 15 seconds nothing… 24 still nothing, silence, unbearable silence.

"Why isn't he screaming?"Blair asked scared as never.

Barely audible 'Placental abruption, Intrapartum hypoxia, Perinatal death' echoed in the room.

"Zack! Zack! ZACK!"

End of flashback

They were sitting on the mini sofa near a window. Blair was curled up, hiding her face in hands. Dan was next to his wife, rubbing her arms like he wanted to warm her up.

"We should inform our family." Dan said unsurely, sounding formally. She just nodded. He took his phone.

Noah had an accident. He is in hospital, has an operation.

He sent text to people from 'family group' – Cyrus, dad, Eleonor, Estelle, Harold, Jenny, mum, Nate, Roman, Scott, Ted, Vanessa. And to Blair's best friend, Amy and Dorota of course.

Harold called back 10 seconds later. Dan explained everything politely but shortly. Blair's father assured that he and Roman will be in NY with first flight from France. Cyrus sent message back that he with Eleonor were on their way, the same Jenny and Nate, and Amy too. Vanessa and Scott promised to come back from their vacation in Hawaii as soon as possible.

Rufus and Estelle, his wife, arrived of course first. Rufus was always first, when it comes about rescue or help or support his children. He rushed to Dan, hugged him and whispered something trying to comfort him. His words made Dan's eyes glazed, he buried into his dad's arms deeper, the embrace lasted couple moment longer. It's strange how adult people still needed assistance of parents in such a dramatic moments like this. After a minute of weakness Dan went back to Blair, who was exchanging broken smiles with Estelle, Rufus kissed her forehead saying 'Everything will be all right honey.' Dan told briefly what happened. When people started to arrive Rufus explained them everything, giving the couple a moment's grace.

Dan decided to stretch his legs when Blair unintentionally replaced his shoulder by Eleonor's. When he stood up, Blair reacted.

"Dan! Don't go!" She reached for his hand.

"I'm not going anywhere sweetheart." He said softly. She grabbed his hand and pulled him to sit beside her again. They sat like that, with laced hands waiting for deliverance.

Doctor Thomson went in when was already dark outside. Meeting so many pairs of eyes distracted him a bit. Blair moved in his direction, Dan right behind her.

"How is he?" Dan asked.

"Can we see him now?"

Rest of the family just listened carefully, waiting desperately for good news.

Doctor cleared his throat. "Well, I'm afraid it's impossible."

"How is he? Operation succeeded right?" Dan asked harshly this time.

"Your son had a lot internal injuries…"

"We already know this." Dan interrupted him upset.

"…these were more serious than we initially thought. Pieces of broken ribs pierced his lungs." He breathed heavy. "There was an internal bleeding…" He was interrupted again.

"But you controlled this, bleeding and rest of it."

"…unfortunately we are not." Collective painful sighs erupted in the room.

"What do you mean you are not."

"I am extremely sorry, but your son is gone. He's…" He swallowed. "He is dead." Weeping of gathered people was heard. Jenny drawn into Nate's arm, Eleonor cupped her head in her hands, Rufus just stood there with sorrowful expression on his face, not sure what to do.

"No, no, no. This is terrible mistake." Blair said very calm and convinced. "It's not my son. You are talking about someone else." She seemed to be clear-headed. "Noah is this high." She put her hand lower than her hip. "He has curly messy hair, chubby cheeks, and dark doe-eyes. He looks exactly like him." She pointed at Dan, who was two steps behind her. "Noah is exactly like him, his smaller version, his miniature. They are identical." She still pointed at Dan, turning around this time. "This is not my son. Dan, say something. This is huge misunderstood. Dan!" She froze, when she looked at him. "Don't look at me like this!" She said warningly. "Stop! I know this look." He shook his head lightly. "We are not losing second baby here." Blair said with maternal dulcet voice. "He is fine. Noah is completely fine." She continued, stroking his cheeks. "Dan, I told you stop. Tell him that he is fine!" She yelled at a doctor, who bore into the floor. "Dan. Dan!" She looked straight into his big glossy eyes. "Dan!" His tears began to drop uncontrollably. "No. Dan, nooooooooo!" He caught her, they fell on their knees, she clenched in the fists on his shirt, wild loud animalistic cry escaped from her, which was not even close to express colossal pain, sorrow, anger and emptiness of woman who lost her second child. Eleonor put her palms on her mouth, powerless. Dan found strength to embraced her and hold her shaking body strongly, caressing her back and smoothing her hair, his blear eyes could see nothing besides her. Her scream echoed all over hospital, announcing terrible message to the world.

The room was spinning, other people seemed to not exist. Members of their family were entirely helpless, they just watched them, grieving. They had to deal not only with a lost of their beloved little boy - grandson or nephew - which seemed to be cruel enough. Over that they had to look at enormous pain of two people who last - daughter and son, brother, friends - unable to find a cure or an ease for them.

Blair cried until her body was too tired. When her sobs began to abate and became weaker and softer, she heard Dan's broken steady voice, he hummed very quiet and slowly to her, only to her. She moved for the first time, she tried to climb on him, but she was too faint. Dan pulled her, her almost inert arms wrapped loosely around him, her head buried in the crook of his neck. The pair swayed in the rhythm of a lullaby, on the floor in the middle of the gloomy hospital's waiting room.

(…)
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You´ll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don´t take my sunshine away
I´ll always love you and make you happy
(…)

The day was coming to an end, there was dark outside and really late. Blair felt asleep in his arm after hours of breakdown. Dan lifted her and lay her down on the tiny couch, not paying attention on people who still were there - for them. He sat on the floor again leaning against the sofa closing his red swollen eyes. Even in unenlightened room, his wet, glittered and teary cheeks were clearly seen. Eleonor put tenderly her coat on Blair's still restless and vulnerable body. Suddenly Dan stood up and rapidly opened a door to the toilet which was in this room, and threw up. Everyone became still, tearful Jenny who was sitting on the plastic chair next to Nate, looked up at terrified Allison who was standing in Ted's hug, she looked at Rufus, he blinked and approached to his son. Dan was kneeling feebly over the toilet bowl still vomiting. Rufus put his knees next to him without a word and embraced him exactly the same like he used to do it when Dan was a child. Between every single puke, choke or cry he stroked Dan's nape, praying for relief in his agony – which probably will never come.

.

.

.

In the day of the funeral Dan woke Blair up rubbing her hip gently and giving her chaste peck on the lips. She got up languidly, with lack of any interest or energy, they both lived in lethargy for past few days. After a quick shower she came out without makeup, in black baggy dress and flat shoes, her long brown hair was loose about her shoulders, messy and tangled. Looking at Dan, who was struggling with a tie in front of the mirror, she walked up to her husband offering help but assuring him in the same time that he didn't have to wear it.

Blair desperately wanted to give Noah the light, a lot of lights and make 'this place' shine especially at nights - 'He doesn't like darkness.' she repeated. So they decided on candles instead of flowers. Despite that, after depressing and mournful ceremony, the little grave was covered by flowers, stuffed toys, drawings, poems and candles, plenty of candles. They spent rest of the day on the cemetery. She lighted the candles and lay down on the dewy grass, squeezing plush frog. Dan, trying to protect her from an illness, so he put his coat on the ground and moved her there, laying himself down and spooned her. Next days and weeks of their life began and ended on the graveyard, from dawn to the dusk.

One Monday, when they came back home earlier Blair suggested that she made tea for them. Dan just nodded half-hearted and went to the bedroom. She opened a cupboard with dishes and found two cups – the first one with characters from Brother Bear, and second with bunch of friends from Winnie the Pooh, she quickly closed the doors and resisting her hand on the counter, looking down. But after a moment she took a deep breath, opened it again and removed them. She put mementos gently on the table and tossed tea bags into them. When Blair arrived to their bedroom she saw bowed Dan who was sitting on the edge of their bed, playing with green toy, his whole body was shaking. She didn't hear it but she knew that he was sobbing. Leaving hot cups on the nightstand she embraced him tight, all out, from behind. For the first time he showed his weakness in front of her. And she… she was the strongest this time, the strongest in weeks. She was strong for him.

.

.

.

"Hey. Are you hungry?" Dan asked Blair, who was sitting on the armchair staring blankly out the window. "Maybe we order something from…" He had no chance to end, she shook her head. "Ok then maybe…"

"Dan I need to talk to you." Blair said seriously, not looking at her husband.

He grunted a little concerned. "Yeah. What's up?" He pulled a face. 'What's up? Dan. Jesus' he thought.

"You know that very rarely people are capable still being together after experiences like that. And I really don't mind if you want to leave me." She stated plainly, still not turning to him. His heart dropped.

"What are you talking about Blair!?" He approached to her. "I don't understand." He shook his head confused. "What do you mean? I'm not going to leave you. I do not want to leave you. I love you Blair." He kneeled in front of her. She shed tears. "Blair…" The thought made him sick. His voice was trembling. "…you don't want to be with me anymore?" It hurt him. He thought that their marriage was safe, he knew that. Another possibility didn't even cross his mind, not for a moment, never. They were together, they were so close, they didn't push each other away. What changed? Why did she feel in another way?

She denied decidedly. "No! Of course I want to be with you, every single second, to the rest of my life. I love you more than anything." She touched his afraid face, he seated nearer and rubbed her bent legs. "But…" He shrank back a bit. "I considered everything and I don't deserve to be a part of your life. I don't deserve to be your wife, to be mother of your children, to be a mother at all."

"What!? This is absurd!" He was indignant.

"No Dan, this is a punishment. Now I see it clearly." She cried, tears rolled on her cheeks. "I did so many bad things in my life. I hurt so many people including your family and you, especially you." She paused. "It's because of me, Zack and Noah were taken from us because of me, my ugly behavior. I don't deserve them and I don't deserve you." She cried forlornly.

"Bullshit! This is fucking bullshit!" He raised his voice, almost screaming and got up. "World doesn't work like that, and you know it. You never were ugly, you are far away from ugly. We were dumb kids then, we both did stupid things. We made couple mistakes, its part of life Blair. We did not do anything to be punished and this is not punishment. You are wonderful Blair. Wonderful mother, daughter and wife! Fabulous person." He kissed away her tears. "You deserve all the best. The loss of boys is the only thing you didn't deserve." He whispered.

"Then why we, Dan. This unfulfillable longing is killing me." She said through the tears, resisting her forehead on his. "We lost two babies in two different period of time in two different ways. Why it happened to us? I love them so much, so damn much…" She trailed off, catching a breath. He didn't answer. "Who we are now? When children lose their parents they are orphans, when man loses his wife, he is a widower. How called us? Orphaned parents, two people in permanent physical and mental pain, eternally half empty inside. How?"

"We are brave Blair… and we are survivors." He claimed. "This is extremely cruel and unbelievably unfair, that's all I know. Sadness will never disappear and our hearts will be seedy forever." He squeezed her hands. "But I'm here Blair to soothe your pain and love you and boys to the end of time. Please let me do this!" He whimpered into her mouth. "Let me be there for you, with you as so far, please. Don't go away from me."

"I don't. Believe me. I'm just giving you a free hand, if you want to go away from me…"

He gazed at her deeply hurt. "How could you even think like this? That I could want it." Blair realized that she crushed his already broken heart. "Did I do something what possibly could make you doubt in us? If so, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He wrapped his arms around her, repeating it like a mantra.

"No! Of course you didn't. You are too good to me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. The last thing I want, is hurting you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have jumped into senseless conclusion." She said calmly, meaning it. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh. You don't have to apologize to me." He stroked her hair. "I love you with all my heart."

She nodded. "I love you too Dan." She kissed his lips, wiping accumulated tears from his chin by her thumb.

"You don't want to leave me and I don't want to leave you, right?" He asked after a moment. She nodded. "If so we should get divorced."

"What!? No!" She exclaimed, resentfully.

"You said it yourself, though."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "I exactly know what you are doing."

"You do?"

"Yhym. You are proving me my warped logic here."

"Am I?" She glared at him irritated.

"So we are not divorcing." He said, pretending confusing.

Light laugh escaped from her. "No, we are not."

"Great."

"Yeeeaahh." She extended silently. "The greatest." She whispered.

.

.

.

[Over 2 and half years later.]

"Are you cleaning? Isn't too late for that?" Blair asked Dan, stepping in to his office.

"A little. I'm just trying to organize these papers, most of them aren't useful anyway." Dan replied, putting some torn documents, envelopes and note cards into paper shredder.

"Well, I see progress. For a first time since we bought this desk I can see its surface." She teased, offering him Brother Bear cup with hot tea.

He narrowed his eyes, smiling. "Thanks. It wasn't that bad."

"It was. You always have tons of sticky notes here and heaps of pieces of paper, plenty of notebooks…" She sighed helplessly. "I have no idea how you can find anything in mess like that." She resisted herself on the edge of the desk.

"It's just artistic disorder, purposeful chaos."

Blair frowned. "The writer and his oxymora." She said mockingly, taking a sip of her tea, hiding her pensiveness.

Dan didn't riposte, just looked at her attentively. Her eyes flew through the pictures in frames on the sideboard and on some, which were composed in the collage and hung on wall above. There were a lot of them, inter alia one from their honeymoon in Rio de Janeiro they were standing on the top of Corcovado mountain laughing at something; another from their 'expedition' to Rome with Coliseum behind them; their wedding photo; picture of Blair in advanced pregnancy walking on the beach, which was taken furtively by Dan during their autumn weekend trip to Hamptons; there was also Blair's happy face with cubic zirconia on the head, she still couldn't believe that he printed picture of her from Gossip Girl site. And numerous photos of Noah in every age with Blair, with Dan or with both of them and by himself. Then her eyes transferred on two white probably dusty boxes, because nobody touched them for years, on the top of Dan's bookstand. Blair dropped her eyes quickly on the other side of the wall with sadness, Dan saw it and he moved up to console her but he didn't have chance.

She spoke, looking on a shelf with all Dan's published books. It was easy to recognize it, books were arranged in perfect order, straight and with back of a book in front, from the first one – Inside to the last one – The Border, this was so-called 'Blair's shelf' because when she got this idea Dan claimed annoyed, 'Things like that are nothing less that manifestation of self-adoration. I wrote them, I don't need them in my office, I know what is inside. And this pedantic order.' He winced, his books were in mess one on another, usually placed awry. She just rolled her eyes didn't even bother to stop putting them, 'Ok then it's your shelf.' Only one book was missing, not because she didn't put it there, but because he removed it behind the others – he simply couldn't look at Immensity of Love.

For Blair, the only light in the darkness and for my sweet little angels, Zack and Noah.
With immensity of my love to You.

"The movie is good, really good. Not a tearjerker that I expected but also not breathtaking and intense like a book… but still good." She said forthright.

"You watched it?" He asked, sitting back on the chair.

"Yeah, I just ended it. It's little different but still therapeutic, poignant without redundant pathos, and… simply gives hope." He just sighed heavy. "They lost your language in some moments but narration is coherent."

"Blair." He interrupted. "This review is unnecessary, I'm not going to watch it."

"Dan I don't get it." She said helplessly, still sitting on his desk. "The movie is based on your book, had 5 Golden Globe nominations and got 4 awards, and if you would have written a screenplay it would be 5. The best movie, the best director, the best actors, and I should stop here because Meester and Badgley deserve words of appreciation, they really handled it." He turned her ramblings a deaf ear, remembering that couple minutes ago he put an invitation to Annual Golden Globes Awards into a trash. They didn't even consider to go there. "This is Academy Awards favorite. You should be proud." She continued her monologue.

"I'm not. I don't care about it. And I shouldn't agree to an adaptation of this book or publish it in the first place." He said without emotion. She was surprised by this declaration. "I would give anything to have no opportunity to write it." He paused. "You said that this book is therapeutic… maybe for other people but not for me." He tensed, his voice started to shake a bit. "It was my intention, to write down my thoughts and felt a bit of relief, but it never happened. Now it is even worst. Now my thoughts and feelings are everywhere, on stranger people' hands in subway, in bookstores, on TV, in theaters." He explained, embittered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset you." She said, sad.

He rose up from a chair and stood in front of her. "No you didn't. I'm just tired. Avoiding the topic it's my inapt method to endure."

"Amateur. That is my specialty, unique manner. If you can't, don't imitate." Sarcasm didn't heal despondency.

She didn't trick him. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you melancholic." He said, picking her chin up, snaking his arms around her.

"No, it's not that." He smiled lightly. "The movie has happy ending, and it make me thinking how it would had been. They would have been 8 years old now and sometimes I like to imagine our life with them. For example that they have completely different personalities – Noah, calm intellectual and Zack, clever urchin." Dan laughed. "You know, broken vase on the floor and we know who did this." She smiled again, toying with binding of his shirt. "That they are coming back from school, Zack with unzipped jacket, askew cap on a head and without gloves because he lost them – again, and Noah neat and organized, judging his giddy brother. Or that Noah is sitting politely in the living room doing homework, annoyed by Zack who wriggles and bounces a ball around. But…" She continued a story. "…in the same time they have this unique connection, a bond… when they are apart for a longer period of time, they are impatient and ask for each other. And they share common interests and are very protective, and smart and funny and pretty and…" She sighed, leaning her forehead on his chest. "I know it's daydreaming and I'm silly. But sometimes these dreams are so real that I'm sure that we have it. That I can stumble on their toys in foyer."

Dan kissed a top of her head. "It's not silly and I love your idea of our family a lot, really." He smiled. "And I have confession to make too." He paused, taking a breath. "When I'm sitting here and working, I swear I can feel pleasant weight climbing on my lap, and tiny torso leaning on my arms and little legs swinging between mine." She pressed her body onto his, embracing him tighter. "I would do anything to feel it again." He stated wistfully.

Blair raised her head and looked at him. "Remember maybe what the ending of your book is." She asked unsure, daring to smile mysteriously.

"Well, I wrote it. Clair and Dylan…" He scanned her suspiciously. "Do you want…?" He couldn't find a voice. "Do you want to adop-"

Blair interrupted him. "I'm pregnant." She announced, looking straight into his eyes. Dan shrank back his head, looking carefully at her, a smile formed on his face. She wasn't sure what reaction of him she expected, now she saw only his happy eyes and speechless mouth. "I know we were skeptical and I know this is suddenly." She began. "And unplanned and unexpected and perhaps even shocking." She twittered. "But I hope…" His hands transformed to her neck, he kissed her deeply, leisurely. She kissed him back, catching his waist, feeling his tears on her cheeks.

"I love you so much!" He said into her mouth with still closed eyes. "I'm so happy. Sooo happy!" He exhaled and enfolded her lifting her a little, a happy squeal escaped from her in a moment when she lost a contact with the floor.

Flashback

"So we have names. But how we are going to match them? And what is the order? I knew that picking them would be rough but…" Blair said, sitting on their bed, stretching her legs, putting them on his.

"Well, the main problem is solved, we have 4 equal names. We like them hmm alike, right?"

"Right."She nodded approvingly.

"My proposition is: I write names on the pieces of paper, then you will draw first name for the baby number one then I will draw for boy number two, then you will draw middle name, and the last will be for me."

"This is not exactly our style – hazard I mean. But in this case it sounds reasonable."

And they did this.

"Blair what do you have?"

"Why me?"

"Because you have boy A."

She snorted, smiling wild. "Peaceful comforter, peaceful gift." She said showing the notes. "You?"

"Remembered by Lord, Gift of God." He grinned.

"Wow. They are perfect. Absolutely perfect."

"Yeah. I agree."

"Noah Jeffrey and Zackary Matthew." She said dreamy and added. "Humphrey." She stressed, beaming at Dan.

He leaned to kiss her. "I'm so happy. Sooo happy!"

End of flashback

.

.

.

[22 week of Blair's pregnancy]

There is warm sunny evening - second week of June. Blair was relaxing, laying on the deck chair in their balcony, reading a novel. Dan approached there briskly.

"Hey sweetheart!" He kissed top of her head.

"Hey." He replied looking up at him, putting a book aside. "Where have you been for so long? I was bored." She blinked significantly. "We missed you." She added quickly.

"Ohh. I see… You married me for entertainment." He teased. "Thank you very much."

She narrowed her eyes. "No." She answered. Dan sat on the opposite site of her deck chair, next to her legs. "You shamelessly left me here alone." She said unpleasant, wrinkling her brows.

"Honey you were not exactly alone, you had girly afternoon with Amy, though." He pointed. "And you have a little resident inside." He smirked.

She liked these words. "You know what I mean. We have fun with Amy, but it's not the same." She declared, smiling shyly.

"Well, well, well you prefer being with me. That's weird and unhealthily even as to you." He smirked at her.

"Being with you is the healthiest, for the record."

Dan held her palm and kissed it. "Ok. Maybe by this I will buy your favors." He said, showing her a paper bag.

"Presents? For me." She clapped her hands. "I love presents."

"Yes kind of presents. First one." He gave her a box from confectionery.

"Mmmm. I love you so much." He laughed. "Chocolate cupcakes with a raspberry buttercream. I was thinking all day about it." Blair quickly put a box on her stomach, took one and grabbed a bite.

"Second one." He offered her little box wrapped in colorful gift paper with green ribbon on the top. She took it still chewing a cake.

"What is it?"

"Just unpack." And she did, seeing white bear baby slippers her smile decreased. "I know that maybe I should wait for tomorrow, when we will already know sex of the baby, but I couldn't help, and they are pretty neutral so." He smiled at Blair.

"Yeah, really cute." She touched tiny booties by her thumbs.

"And I have brand new catalogues for you. All possible colors of walls, wallpapers patterns, furniture, curtains, carpets, strollers, cribs, clothes, toys and all possible accessories. So you can officially start planning a décor of nursery."

"Oh Dan, you thought about everything, but really this is unnecessary."

"Don't worry. I expected that you already have plenty of folders. But maybe you find something new in these." She just sighed unable to speak. "And about picking a name, I was thinking that we should stay with a rule 'meaning - and nothing else matters'." He smiled on the memory when she said it over nine years ago.

"Dan honey, you don't understand, I don't want to know sex of the baby."

Dan was a little confused. "Oh." He paused, because he wanted to know, very badly, but after a moment of thinking he claimed. "Ok I'm in. You want to have surprised. Then nursery can be unisex and we will choose two pair of names for girl and for boy."

"No sweetie. I'm not going to prepare anything."

He narrowed his eyes. "I am so sorry Mrs. I stepped in wrong apartment. My wife would never miss out any opportunity for shopping." He tried to joke, but he knew there was something what bothered her. "What is going on Blair?"

Blair took a deep breath and swallowed. "I don't want to know baby's sex or pick names or decorate a nursery. Just don't."

"Can I ask why?"

"I don't want to get my hopes up."

"Hopes for what."

"For the baby, that he or she will be here, with us."

"I really don't understand." He said clueless. "Why on Earth our child wouldn't be supposed to be with us? You are fine, the baby is fine." Dan sighed. "The doctor knows our situation, they check you and the baby more often than usual not because you are in danger or pregnancy is in high risk, but because they want to assure us that everything is good. These were our establishments at the beginning."

"I was fine before. Pregnancy was perfect before, and what? We did it all! We had names, we had nursery for two. Everything was double – two cribs, two car seats, enormous number of clothes, stroller for twins. And what?! All went on vain. We brought only one boy to home." Her eyes were glossy. How from the joyful conversation it came to the painful one. "This time there is only one, when we lose it, there will be nobody to bring over."

"Blair, we are doing everything to not let it happen. The doctor is helping us, she planned delivery, she will not make any mistake. Everything will be all right."

"How you can be so sure? And calm and cheerful?"

Dan laughed nervously. "Because I have no reason to be upset and sad?"

"You are so selfishly happy. You act like you forgot about the boys." Saying this she knew she crossed the line.

Dan wasn't sure what he was hearing in that moment. "I'm selfish? I am selfish?" He tensed and asked strictly. "All I am doing, I'm doing for you. For you." He accented. "For your good. You don't want to know a gender, I agree despite I want it very much. When you refuse all my propositions I accept it with humility, because I want you to be content and the safest as possible." He paused, rose up from a chair. She hadn't courage to look at him, she was ashamed because of her previous words. "I'm sorry that I'm happy that we are going to be parents again, I'm sorry that I'm happy that I'm going to be a father again. Every morning when I'm preparing a breakfast I grab three plates and three cups and put them on the table, then I realize that one isn't needful anymore." Her tears drooped. "I'm sorry that I'm happy that very soon I don't have to put third plate in the cupboard back." He put his hands on his head. "I'm petrified too. I'm aware of possibilities. Losing you or the baby or both of you would kill me. But I'm repeating to myself 'Dan stop worrying. She and the baby are completely fine.'" He inhaled and steered himself to the door. "And the most important thing." Dan pointed his finger at her. "I love boys as much as you do, and I'm thinking about them every single fucking day." He walked away. Blair heard only slamming a door of his office. He never walked away from her, he very rarely was angry with her, he never slammed a door, he never closed himself in the office.

She wasn't hurt by his statement. She felt bad because she hurt him.

(…)

Blair was laying curled up on their bed, she looked up on the clock '11.58 hyh'. She didn't see Dan since a balcony incident, he was in the apartment, but he clearly didn't want to see her, she decided to go to the office. Tiptoeing noiselessly she was surprised when door were open and light was turn off, but she spotted repealed door to the guest bathroom, 'He really wasn't going to see me tonight.' She opened a door wider and saw him resting in a tub with hands on a ceramic bath edges and neck leaned on a bolster.

"Hey you." She risked and dared to smile, leaning on the doorframe.

"Hey." He replied surprised, lifting his head with apologetic eyes.

"I didn't know you are a tub fan." She tried to tease.

"I'm not." He smiled at her. "Just…"

"Could I join you… maybe?"

"Of course." He didn't hide his gladness, just moved up, making a spot for her. Blair freed herself from a silk nightgown, showing her perfect shapely curves. He eyed her with adoration. Blair reached for his hand before getting into a bathtub.

"Be careful." He said supporting her. Blair settled herself between his legs, leaned on his torso and sighed lightly reacting on a sensation of hot water. Dan enveloped Blair in his arms, wrapping his legs tightly around her, nuzzling in the crook of her neck.

"I'm sorry Blair." He whispered. "I overreacted. I'm extremely sorry."

"No Dan, I am sorry." She said grabbing his palms. "You had right reacted like that, what I said was despicable."

"Blair no, please it's nothing I know you didn't mean it. It's my fault, I shouldn't force you…"

"No, let me finish." She paused. "I'm excited and deliriously happy, I really am. I'm picturing us with tiny baby girl… or boy it depends of my mood." They chuckled lightly. "And I want to do everything what you listed. But sometimes when I start googling for baby clothes, pure internal fear overwhelmed me." Dan pressed her harder against him "I'm so scared."

"I know, I know." He kissed her temple, constantly holding her.

After a second of blissful and salutary silence, Blair mocked, waving a transparent water surface. "You really are not a tub guy, you are bathing without bubbles, it's insane."

Dan laughed out loud, splashing water on her.

"Dan?" She asked meekly, toying with his fingertips. "I want to go shopping tomorrow after ultrasound." She changed a tone. "I paged through you catalogues. And I found interesting things. But I want you there and I promise I take your opinion into account." Dan laughed even harder at that.

"Don't laugh, I'm serious. I'm aware that all our 'compromises' all over these years were reached because you backed down to please me." She kissed his wrist.

"Not always. Sometimes you simply are right and I totally agree with your opinion." He saw by the corner of his eye that she smiled, pressing their laced hands on her chest.

"But I still don't want to know sex of our child." He didn't react. "But you can find out just don't tell me, ok?"

"That is veeery tempting, I could torture you and it would be soo fun." She nudged him. "But no. Surprise is better. And I already know that it's a baby girl." He stated confidently.

Blair rested her head on his shoulder and peered up to face him. "Really? How can you know that?" She beamed.

"Father's intuition?" He said playfully.

"I like it. Annnd..." She extended cheery. "The baby approves." She shifted his hands on her belly, they felt movements - persona was kicking. It wasn't first time but they were excited like it was.

"I love you Dan."

"Really? I think I like you too."

(…)

Dan and Blair were heading to the elevator in their penthouse lobby after a doctor's appointment and hours spent on shopping. Blair already chose everything what they needed to the nursery including every detail, some of them she even bought. Store employees had to deliver these things in a week.

"Do you know what are you carrying?" She asked calmly in their living room, still wrapping her hand in his.

"I have no idea." Dan replied, improving the purchases on his forearm, then putting them on a sofa.

"Great, then it's surprised." She beamed, excited. "Look." She commanded after unpacking first box.

"Oh." He groaned, looking at pleated, creamy cricket dress for infant girl from Ralph Lauren (seeing it he didn't know it yet of course).

"Isn't it cute?" She smiled putting a tiny dress on her stomach.

"Yes it is."

"We can dress her in this one when we will go to the National Tennis Center during US Open, to see men's final of course." He opened his eyes widely. "Splendidly, don't you think."

"Since when you like tennis, uhm sorry since when you like sport?"

"Oh you niggle. I'm just going to show my daughter all different areas of life, I want her to be open-minded like me." Dan grunted underneath his breath. "And tennis is a white sport, elegant royal discipline for the elite."

"This is very open-minded." She threw him warning look. "US Open is not a Wimbledon, here don't apply a dress code. Casual colorful clothes are enough." She glared at him.

"I pretend I didn't hear it." She commented, waiting for his reaction.

"Ok Blair, we will do as you wish." A beam returned on Blair's face.

"And these are two dresses for the special occasion, I think it could be for her first birthday. I couldn't decide which one so – this is Gaultier ivory gold tulle layer dress, I can't wait to see our little princess in it." She shrugged with delight, squeezing a dress to her chest. "Or Burberry orange sleeveless perfection, can you imagine her in this plus her curly hair angel face and little tiara, and that cute bow in the middle." She sighed dreamy.

"Yes they are clearly lovely." He didn't know how to properly respond.

"And as we know it's your baby too…" Blair looked archly at Dan.

"Oh really?"

"Yes." She smiled. "Humphrey wouldn't be Humphrey without…" She held up a Burberry classic check dress.

"A plaid." Dan smiled, approaching to her.

She shuddered. "I would prefer check pattern. You like them?"

"Yes all 4 of…" She hold out 3 other. "… all 7 of them are cute. But Blair…" He hesitated, putting his hands on her arms. "I love you, you remember that right?" Dan declared, instead continue.

"Yes I remember, and I love you too." She replied calmly.

"You bought so many girly stuff, but we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl." Dan brushed her curl behind her ear.

"Dan you said that it's a girl and I trust you." She pecked his lips, standing on the tiptoes.

"So it would be all my fault then…when it will be a boy." Dan concluded into her mouth.

"No silly, of course I will never blame you for that." She said sarcastically, smoothing his shirt. "Besides she introduced herself yesterday in a tub, remember." She trailed off, catching automatically her abdomen. "And she is doing it now." She laughed and navigated his palm to a right place.

"I just don't want you to be disappointed."

"I will be not. If it's a boy I will be more than fine too. And dresses will wait for our future niece for example. And speaking of nieces you should talk about it with Jenny or Nate and with Vanessa and Scott. We can't be the only one responsible for the children in this family." She joked.

"Me? Never. This is not my business."

"You have to. My convincing methods didn't work. I tried with Amy." She pulled an irritable face.

"You mean threats and blackmailing."

"Daaan." She poked him. "You are unbearable." She looked away, trying to escape from his embrace.

"Ok. Ok. I'm sorry." He pulled her back, she didn't defy much.

Blair sighed. "Today for a first time I have no doubts that everything gonna be fine, I can feel it." Blair gave him eskimo kiss. "The baby is healthy and beautiful. It's gonna be great."

.

.

.

[September 27, 2023]

Blair stepped out of a bathroom in her hospital room fresh and vivid, ready to meet her newborn daughter again.

"Where is everyone?" She asked confused, Dan was waiting for her alone. Blair looked at empty cradle. "Where is she?"

"Nurse get her for a quick checkup, she will be back soon." He wrapped his arm around her and escorted her to the bed. "And about everyone, I told them that you both need rest… and they miraculously agreed." He giggled, knowing how stubborn members of their family were.

"Thank God. I thought they never go home." She said putting a blanket on her legs. "I want to spend time only with you two not with bunch wailing people, I barely once had her in my arms, can you believe it."

"I know I'm sorry. They are just excited. But I think you should lay down and get some sleep, for real." He improved her quilt and added another pillow behind her back.

"Please not yet, shower gave me new strength and I desperately want to enjoy some time with you and our daughter." He sat next to her. Blair looked up at him. "Honestly I get used to the thought that she is a girl during pregnancy, and today I was a little afraid that you might be right about, well opposite possibility."

"Someone has to speak a voice of reason, here." She bravely kept a straight face. "So you are trying to say that you were afraid that I can be right, not that it could be a boy."

"Yes."

"And I supposed to believe in it. All these dresses, you start with 7 and now is around…" He pretended to count on the fingers. "I can't even imagine your furiousness." He mocked.

"Shh. Ok, I had a little splurge with clothes." She pursed her lips. "But stop joking like that because someone could really believe that I wouldn't be happy about a boy, and you know that is not true."

"Obviousness."

"Did you think about a name?" She changed a topic immediately. "I did. I was looking for something with 'love' or 'courage'… but I found nothing noteworthy, so I count on you." She confessed matter-of-factly. They agreed that they wouldn't talk about their individual name choices, until delivery.

"As always, everything in my head." He shook his head faking disappointment.

She ignored him. "Just let it out."

"What would you say about 'brave strength and tenderly loved'?"

She nodded approvingly. "Go on…" Dan grabbed a pen and wrote names on her wrist. "Oh Dan!" She cried with admiration.

"I take it as an assent."

"They are perfect." She cupped his cheeks in her palms and kissed him. "Millicent Darelle. Millicent Darelle Humphrey. Utter perfection, just like her."

Mild knocking broke their kiss. Nurse stepped in with girl on her hands. Dan jumped from a bed which creaked by rapidity of his movement. Blair and nurse shared a knowing look, smiling at each other.

"Say hallo to your parents little girl." She said, handing awaked baby to Dan. "She is as fit as a fiddle. Everything is all right." She assured them.

Dan nodded not dropping his eyes off of a baby girl. He held a mite wrapped expertly in beige cashmere blanket, forgetting about the world around him. He leaned over her. "Hi Millie. How are you? Remember me, I'm your daddy." Dan greeted her first time saying her name, with tender sweet voice. "And I love you so much." He kissed her nose. Feeling that she moved a bit, he loosened a soft fabric around her. "Are you trying to liberate yourself beautiful?" He grinned when her hand transferred on her cheek as she tried to scratch herself. "Yes you are!" He beamed when she smacked exposing her birdlike lips.

Blair looked at them with pure adoration. "Oh Dan I lost you forever." She sighed.

Dan rocked her gently still standing in the middle of the room. "You are so beautiful, you know." He didn't change the sweet sounding of his voice. "Like your mammy. Do you want to see your mammy?" Millie whimpered silently. "Of course you do." He turned around. "Are you saying something?" He looked first time at Blair, approaching to her bed.

She just rolled her eyes, reaching her hands for a bundle. "Yes that you sound ridiculously. Our daughter will think that her father has problem with himself." She said when he leaned to give her a girl.

He straightened up after that. "Oh you heard that sweetheart. Mammy isn't very nice to daddy. In my opinion it's greatly inappropriate attitude, don't you think." Baby twisted her nose. "Yes you are right." He mimicked his daughter and purposely increased his sweet tone. "So what we are going to do just the two of us, hyh." He moved away from Blair.

"Dan!" She almost screamed. He laughed at how seriously she took his teasing, 'it's so easy job'.

"Ok. Ok." He came back.

"Hey my love." Blair beamed from ear to ear, eyeing Millicent attentively. She pulled her closer inhaling her gorgeous scent and relishing her pleasant size. "Look at her." Blair turned to Dan, who was sitting next to her. "This is not fair." He glanced at her quizzically. "Another child who is the spitting image of you."

"No. Blair it's not true." He blushed frankly moved.

"Not at all. This nose…" Blair stroked it by her fingertip. Then she removed pale yellow beanie from her tiny forehead. "…and these curls are your indisputable marks. And these kissable lips." He blushed even more enveloping his girls fondly, one arm was around Blair, second hand caressed softly a girl. "She looks exactly like Noah."

"Yes. Most definitely like him." He replied thoughtfully.

"Something occurred to me… on the wall over the crib is a spare place, we would hang there frames one with Noah and another with Millie from their first day as a comparison. Sooner we will start to familiarize her with the thought that she had brothers better." She gazed at him warily.

"It's great idea. But you should change a place because I already arranged a spot over the crib." He tried to sound calm but he bit his lower lip alarmed, still smoothing tiny hand which was freely moving along Blair's chest.

"You remodeled nursery without my permission?" She wasn't angry, rather amazed.

"Not exactly. I just painted something on the wall, wrote actually." He took a phone and showed her a picture. On the green wall, over the convertible oak crib with lime and white bedding in dots and stripes, was black ink handwriting.

"What is this?" She asked contently, intrigued.

"Poem. I wrote it for her, and I thought that…" He trailed off. "You have no idea how my hand was shaking when I was writing this on the wall." He tried to joke but he couldn't decode her facial excretion. "If you don't like it I can paint it back."

"No. Never. I just…" She paused. "Do you ever cease to surprise me?" Dan shrugged, smiling. "I love you Daniel Humphrey."

"I love you too, Blair Waldorf." She huffed. "Ykhym" He cleared his throat. "Humphrey. I love you Blair Humphrey."

"Could you read it to us?" She asked peering on Millicent, totally adoring him… and her.

Without hesitation he started to recite.

I feel like this is the beginning
Though I've loved you for a million years
And if I thought our love was ending
I'd find myself drowning in my own tears.

You must have known that I was lonely
Because you came to my rescue
And I know that this must be heaven
How could so much love be inside of you?

You are the sunshine of my life,
That's why I'll always stay around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you'll stay in my heart.

The End/Fin/Koniec

---

We can pretend that the poem isn't lyrics of Stevie Wonder song, right? Dan is talented so... :):)

Song: You Are My Sunshine - Pine Ride Boys