Hello everyone, this is Moonlight'sServant here, but feel free to call me Moonlight. :D Thank you for taking the time to read this story of mine, it's one of the first I ever put here on . That has been quite a long time ago and my writing style has greatly improved since then, so forgive me for any mistakes you see, and the plot's general crappiness. =o=;
However, just as a heads up, this story is already been discontinued for more than a good two years or so, and will most likely stay that way until I finish rewriting it. But still feel free to read this story and enjoy the crap I spewed out as my 10 year-old self (though forgive me again for all the errors), and maybe even leave behind some criticism here and there.
Another note, if you, for some odd reason that I've yet to fathom, somehow like this story, feel free to just put it on your story alert. It may take awhile, but when I've finished rewriting it I will most definitely will put something up here to notify that it's done. So please be patient.
Warning: I wrote this when I was 10 years old. Many OCs, AU, slightly crack-ish fic and very OOC at times. Anti-yaoi. Also very shitty plot in general, and many errors with writing. Intended for humor, rated T for cussing and Hidan.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and, unfortunately, despite my efforts, always will be.
"Alright, alright, everyone settle down." Pein's voice was muted over the screams of his members in the dark meeting room.
"Sasori, my art is better, yeah!" Deidara glared at the puppet man.
"Brat, it's mine that's better!" The puppet man responded angrily.
"Kakuzuuuuuuuu, where the fuck is my underwear?" Hidan glared pointedly at his partner
"I sold it on eBay." The miser barely looked up from the money he was counting.
"YOU WHAT?"
"Everyone shut up!" Pein's voice was louder this time, but the noise still continued even louder.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP MOTHERFUCKERS!" The Akatsuki abruptly stopped what they were doing and turned aroud to face their steaming leader, glaring at all of them murderously. If looks could kill, all of them would've been burnt to ash by now.
Pein finally calmed down, and looked sternly at his members. "Now that I have your attention, I would like to remind you why we have gathered for this meeting today."
"Could you fucking hurry up!" Pein's eye twitched at the foul-mouthed bastard, but kept his composure.
"It has come to my attention that our so-called fans, have been abusing our evil reputation, more often over the internet with various sites. Now before Konan presents the evidence, are there any questions?" Pein glanced at his members.
"Ooh, ooh, Tobi has a question Leader-sama!" Tobi raised his hand and jumped up and down in his chair. Pein started to rub his temple.
"For the last time Tobi, if you have a question, you don't need to freaking raise your hand! We are not in school!" Pein growled at the orange-masked idiot.
"Tobi is sorry Leader-sama, Tobi will not do it again because Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi grinned cheerily.
Pein sighed. "What is your question Tobi?"
"Um...Tobi wants to know what the Internet is." Everyone (but Tobi) had slapped their foreheads at the idiocy of Tobi's question.
"Tobi…" Pein started rubbing his temples again as he tried to answer Tobi's question, "…I have no time to explain to you now, I suggest you read a book about it." Pein sighed again as the orange masked idiot bounced up and down happily in his chair.
"Now that that's over with…Konan, please present the evidence." Pein glanced at the blue-haired Kunoichi of the Akatsuki.
"Gladly, Pein." Konan walked to the center of the room and inserted a cd into a conveniently placed VCR player. The screen flashed, and a buzzing sound was heard. Suddenly background music played and a video started.
"Evidence #1, retrieved from a site called 'youtube', or something." Konan pointed to the screen.
"Ooh, Ooh… right there , Danna. Mmh, yeah…."
"You want more, brat?" The puppet man smirked at his uke's flushed face
"Fuck me, danna …" His uke begged, giving him a puppy dog face.
"Whatever you say…" And then they started.
Silence.
"MY EYES! THEY BURN, YEAH!" Deidara shielded his eyes from the yaoi onscreen. Sasori on the other hand, was trying to gouge his brain out to remove the scarring images. Tobi's eye was twitching, and the rest of them were either puking or scarred mentally for life.
"NEXT PIECE OF EVIDENCE!" Pein practically screamed at Konan as he covered his eyes. Konan rolled her eyes and pressed a button on a remote control. The video stopped, and a picture showed on the screen.
"Evidence #2, retrieved from another site called 'deviantart', or 'dA', for short."
It showed Hidan covered in cake, clinging onto Kakuzu who was blushing. The Albino haired Jashinist had a wry smile on, saying, "Hey Kuzu, would you mind helping me clean this off? [1]"
Almost half of the Akatsuki had to hold down the Zombie pair, especially Hidan, who wanted to sacrifice the creator of the picture to Jashin. Kakuzu was trying to burn the picture with little success because of Itachi and Kisame holding him down. When the two had finally calmed down, Konan showed them the last piece of evidence.
"Evidence #3, retrieved from a story site called 'fanfiction', shortened to ''."
Konan continued, "Title is 'Kiss Me'. [2]" Most of the members eyebrows rose at the title, but said nothing. As she pushed another button, the picture faded away, and then the screen showed a story. The room was silent until Hidan started reading it outloud.
"Kisame knew that Itachi was playing with him. What Kisame wanted to right there was to push Itachi onto the bed and have his way with him right there and right then.
Kisame started to walk closer and closer to Itachi until he was standing right in front of were so close that their bodies were pushed together. Then he pushed Itachi on the bed and kissed him on the lips.
Kisame started to trail kisses down Itachi's neck. He started to suck Itachi's neck, then he shifted to his shoulder, but Itachi refused to moan. Then-"
Suddenly Itachi stood up, hands slamming down on the table. A dark aura slowly developed around him, and all eyes turned to him. After a few moments, he spoke.
"I can understand Uchihacest, me harassing Naruto, even crack sex with that pink haired girl on Sasuke's team. But making me Kisame's uke? [3]" He growled menacingly, while Kisame looked offended.
"Why is it no one wants to be my uke?…" Kisame muttered sadly. Then, Itachi suddenly walked to the phone, and dialed a number. A few rings could be heard, and then someone answered the phone.
"Hello? National Assitance for Abused Characters? It is I, Itach-…..yes, it's me again, I have a compl-….yes, AGAIN. What? Yes, I'll hold." By now, everyone in the room had a sweatdrop, and Pein had slapped his forehead.
"Ehem. Moving on, I have deduced that this problem needs to be rid of. Any suggestions?" Pein looked around his meeting room, seeing if anyone had a suggestion.
"Can we eat them?" Zetsu asked gleefully, his stomach rumbling. Pein shook his head.
"Too many of them. They'll give you indigestion." Pein answered.
"Damn." Zetsu muttered.
"Anyone else?" Pein asked again.
"Can't we just kill them, yeah?" Deidara asked Pein, who once again shook his head.
"Like I said, there's too many of them. We won't be able to finish them off before their police get into this." Most Akatsuki members muttered curses and sighed at this.
"How about we hire some whores so that those fuckers get off our backs?" Hidan asked suggestively.
"Too expensive," Kakuzu cut in before Pein could answer, "Besides, they won't be able to stay permanently."
"How would you know fucker?" Hidan replied hotly.
"For once, I agree with Kakuzu, Hidan." Pein sighed at another failed idea. "And hiring whores could also compromise our organization."
"Any more suggestions?" He looked at his members, and from the looks on their faces, they didn't have any. Pein was about to close the meeting, when Konan spoke up.
"If I may Pein, I have a suggestion." Pein looked over to his angel, and nodded.
"We should recruit kunoichi. They'll be able to stay permanently, have use to the Akatsuki, and get rid of those yaoi parings." Konan finished by giving a stern look to all Akatsuki members, and then remained quiet again.
"She has a point, you know." Sasori said monotously,receiving shocked faces at his abruptness "Kunoichi often also have medical abilities, which will be very useful to the Akatsuki."
Pein, after a few moments, spoke again. "Does anyone disagree with this idea?" he asked, looking around, to see a twitchy Deidara.
"Is anything wrong?" he asked the blonde bomber, his eyebrow raised. Deidara jumped at thee question, but just shook his head no.
"Alright, it's decided. We will search for capable kunoichi within the week, and report in the outskirts of Amegakure. Is that clear?" All of them nodded their heads, and Pein showed a satisfied smile.
"Meeting adjourned" Pein stood and left the room, followed shortly by Konan. The rest of them left one by one, leaving Sasori and Deidara alone.
"What's wrong, brat? You seem worried." Sasori turned to face his partner, who was still a bit jumpy. Deidara calmed down a bit, and shook his head again.
"It's nothing, yeah..." Sasori raised an eyebrow at his answer, but shrugged it off.
"Well you better get it out of your head, we need to track down some kunoichi." Sasori stood up from his chair, then left Deidara alone.
"That's what I'm so worried about, yeah..." Deidara mumbled, then followed after Sasori.
Just some credit where it's due, so that I'm not sued for copyrights:
[1] Idea was taken from a fan art picture on deviantart, titled "If Zetsu made the Uniforms". Search it yourself, I'm too lazy to look up the link. :P
[2] Based of an actual fanfiction here on this site, though it is paraphrased and revised. If you are the author and would like me to take it down, kindly just PM me and say so.
[3] Idea taken from Gabzillaz of deviantart. I suggest you check out her work, she's amazing. :)
Other than that, only the youtube bit was the only one that wasn't real. I hope. So sorry, SasoDei fans. ;) Not really.
R&R~