Shattered

By: GothicGIR

Summary: "Forever has no meaning when you're living in the moment. I wasn't ready for that moment to end." ONE SHOT: SasuNaru yaoi.

Author's Notes:

*The quote in the summary and paraphrased at the very end is from Ellen Hopkins. I take no credit for it!
*Also, I take no credit for the anime.

"You better come back in once piece, you loser."
"Of course I'm going to come back, you bastard! I'm going to be the Hokage some day! I'm not going to lose on some dumb mission!"

And, that was it. That conversation, used every time one of went off on a mission without the other, was played. Repeatedly. The same exact sentences, the same exact tone. But, it never got old. The meaning behind it, much shorter but more difficult to say, was what kept me starting it and him finishing it. The last time I said it, I stood in the doorway, clutching desperately onto the door frame. Both of us suffered from the same uneasy feeling we got with the separation. Temptation to grab onto each other, temptation to smother the other with kisses, temptation to make love one more time before it was time to leave…all of it lingered in the air. But, I remained in the same position and you gave me more of your cheesy grins before turning on your heels, and leaving.

"I love you."

Who knew why neither of us could actually say it. Years after hating him, trying to always be better than him, and now this? These feelings of friendship? Of affection? Love?

Impossible.

But it happened.

"You-you idiot! Watch your mouth!"

For the first time, him and I were forced to complete a mission ourselves. "To build our teamwork," Kakashi had said. For the first time, I had kissed him. Not sure why, not sure how. I just…did it. The lighting from the fire, glowing and high-lightening his features, made the situation romantic. The fact that I had convinced myself I hated the very person sitting next to me made it ironic. Or cliché. Whatever way you viewed it, it happened. And I couldn't even give the little moron my reasoning for doing so. I stared at him, almost as dumb folded and bewildered as him, and thought for a good enough excuse. I couldn't think of any, and just mumbled an apology. He slept away from me that night.

"Why'd you kiss me a few nights ago?"

Really, the first full sentence he had spoken to me since the incident. Mission completed, we were returning back to the village. I had stopped, skidding up a small amount of dirt, and turned to him. Why had I kissed him? What was going through my head? Damned, if I knew what was going through the dope's head, but he stood next to me. Only enough distant between us so I couldn't tip my head up and kiss him again. Which, at the moment, was exactly what I wanted to do. Wanted to, but didn't. I grumbled between my teeth and started to walk away. No more questions asked, no more conversations about it. You had let me walked a few feet ahead until you started up your pace as well. The whole way home, you stayed those few feet behind me.

Then, with due time, I had left. Left for power, left for revenge. I didn't want to turn back, because I knew it would hurt too much. I knew I would have regrets. But, when you had finally caught up with me, it was the first time that I had truly turned around and looked at you. You were hurt. Devastated. Betrayed. It was sick, but seeing those feelings reflected on someone else made me smug. Amused. Happy. Fucking happy. And, at the end of our battle when I had the clear opportunity to end your life, all those feelings had been replaced. My stomach fell as I looked down at you. My heart ached. Tears formed. I couldn't explain why I had felt so…so terrible, but I had. Regardless of all that, I had found the nerves to repeat similar actions that had happened in the past. I kissed you.

This time, however, when I turned around and walked away, I was more than a few feet in front of you. I was thousands away.

"You-you bastard! Do you have any idea, any fucking clue, to what you've done to Sakura and I? To this whole village? Do you?"

A few years gone by and, there we were. Both injured, damn near bleeding to death. Every weapon thrown, punched landed, jutsu activated…and we were dumb enough to take on every attack. Maybe to show who could take the most hits after all this time? Maybe because we were just plain stupid? Whichever reason, it was I who had lost. I couldn't even make another hand seal, but you had the energy to not only grab me by my collar, but to scream at me. All I could do was stare at you and every single emotion you wore on your face. Anger, hurt, pain, sadness, betrayed, relief, love.

You little shit. You had to show love, didn't you?

You clenched my collar and stared at me. I could tell, without viewing my own face, that I was daring you. I was daring you to kill me. But you didn't. You kissed me. Slammed your lips against mine, and kissed me. Your eyes were still open and they dared me to return your feelings. I didn't need a dare to ask me that.

"You're living with me."

It wasn't something to be debated. I was to live with the loser due to my probation, along with many, many other things. Living with him, however, wasn't something I could complain about. Aside from the diet of ramen noodles and dirty rooms, life with him was good. The kisses of our past were never discussed. The kisses that had soon followed were never thought about. They were surprises. Pleasant, memorable surprises. I could be picking up the filth in his home when he would suddenly pull me towards him, and just kiss me. He could be eating and I would lick the food remaining around the corners of his lips away, and then move my mouth towards his. Waking up, training, relaxing…soon, our lips had become involved in every activity we did. Soon after that, kissing became sex.

"Are you going to fuck me or what?"

I was a virgin. I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to screw up, I didn't want to hurt him. But with him under me, moaning my name, erection brushing up against my pants, something told me to follow my instincts. My instincts clearly weren't virgins and knew exactly which spot to hit, where to bite, everything. Soon after sex, we were making love.

"I'm still going to become Hokage, bastard. Now, tell me, how the hell are you going to revive your clan?"

Clever question from a dumbass. Clearly, the years had done well for him. Strength, Village Idol and, to some extent, intelligence and maturity. I found myself jealous of those able to see him change into such a…Hero. Never, not even once, had I told him that. Although I was never one to express much of what I was feeling, I had hoped he knew how I felt. Hoped, but I was never sure he actually knew.

Shortly after his little question, he was given his mission. We said our goodbyes and I was stuck waiting. While waiting, I was unable to shake the uneasy feeling until, after a few days, he had suddenly disappeared. I had been relieved, to be honest. I was finally able to eat without throwing up and sleep without experiencing nightmares. That night, however, gave me a dream to which I would never forget.

"Sasuke…"

I knew I was dreaming but I didn't want to wake. Something told me not to.

"Sasuke…I…"

I had placed my lips upon his, begging for him to come to bed. Even the "dream me" wanted him in our bed, melting into one. You, however, pulled me away. Your eyes focused on mine, showing determination for something. I told myself he could do it anytime, but I wanted him now. Still, you pushed me away again and took a deep breath in…

"Sasuke, I love you. I've always loved you. Forever and always."

And then, I had awoke. My heart was racing inside my throat. Instantly, I searched for you in the house, only to realize you weren't home yet. Panic set in and, although it was in the middle of the night, I rushed to the Hokage's office. The lights were on. Sobbing was heard from the outside. I didn't bother knocking when I was outside the door, and threw myself inside. Tsunade and Shizune were crying. I didn't need any more clarification than that. My legs had given way and I slumped to the floor.

"Sasuke…oh, Sasuke! He's…Naruto's gone!"

Without saying, the funeral was bleak. Everyone was crying. Even the clouds above the village let down tears of their own. Those around me had grabbed onto one another, sobbing into each other's shoulders. I was in the very middle of the funeral service and stared directly at his casket. From the moment I had found out about your death until the service, I hadn't cried. Tears didn't even form. I felt, nothing. And, as everyone had slowly began to leave, I still felt nothing. I remained focus on your picture and refused to cry. I knew you wouldn't want me to anyway.

"Sasuke, come get a drink with me."

"I'm not leaving Sakura. Go away."

I knew she was only trying to help but I wanted to be left alone. Sakura had lingered for a few moments until she squeezed my hand, and left. Her footsteps had faded as the rain increased. Minutes passed by and I was drenched. When my funeral attire was clinging to my skin, I took steps towards the casket. Memories of everything we went through had flashed through my head. I closed my eyes to picture them clearly and let myself fall down. I gripped the white roses placed onto your stone and breathed in uneasily. I was choking on the sob I held back for so long.

"You…you fucking loser," I whispered onto the stone, "Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? Do you have any idea what you're putting me through? You little shit! Stop playing dead already…"

And then, I let my tears fall. No one was around to comfort me and it was my arms that wrapped around myself. They where you had held me so many times in the past. Our past.

"You fucking loser…I love you. Forever and always."

But forever has no meaning when you're caught living in the moment. And I wasn't ready for that moment to end.