Prologue

It's weird how one decision can change your life forever. My life changing decision was choosing to steal a priceless artifact from a bloodthirsty whore. It was that afternoon that I had planned and stolen a golden dragon bone amulet from the Jarl's daughter and the army's Strongest Soldier, Ulfra motherfucking Stormcloak. Oops.

That brings us to now. I, Arathrone, made that life changing decision and I have yet to determine if it was for better or worse. I am currently hauling ass and priceless artifacts down the alley I turned into trying to escape the raging beast that is the Jarl's daughter.

THUNK

A large, sharp axe implanted itself into the very solid, very much stone wall to my left. Great. Now she has weapons.

"Are seriously throwing fucking axes at my head? What the hell! Crazy bitch!"

THUNK

"Your ass is mine! You better run fast because when I catch you you'll look like a giant stomped on you. You messed with the craziest bitch in Windhelm and you won't be leaving here with all you balls! I'm gonna fucking castrate you!"

Swing.

'She just caught my crossbow bolt! This bitch is fucking insane. Holy Talos save my soul from this Deadra incarnate!' I picked up the pace. I really didn't want to lose my balls, children sounded nice in my future. A lovely family, a caring wife maybe.

Somewhere in oblivion...

"You know Nocturnal that is technically my desendant." Serogorath and Nocturnal leaned over the portal that currently showed Arathrone and Ulfra, Serogorath was pointing down at the thief who they had witnessed steal the amulet. They watched as Ulfra threw another axe at Arathorne and Nocturnal was trying to figure out where she had gotten all the weapons from.

"So serogorath?" The thief Deadra asked watching as another sharp axe hit the stone inches away from the thief.

"Well, I'm often accused of being the God of Madness and Death. This bitch is giving me a run for my money and my desendant's balls." He commented as Arathrone had just run out of bolts for his crossbow. "It would be a shame, if my greatest descendant couldn't have an heir to continue my lineage."

Serogorath laughed and gave his Deadra companion a pitying look; he returned to watching the portal. It was just getting good.

Back to Windhelm...

Well this is fucking perfect a dead end on one side and on the other a violent monster with boobs, an indefinite number of axes and a thirst for his blood. Maybe I should of started praying long ago. Oops.

How many times in the past hour had he regretted his decision to steal the amulet? Zero. This was his life and he lived by his motto: Steal to live or die trying.

'Oh shit. i am so fucking dead.' He tried to think back to his greatest regrets. Maybe he could repent now and be sent to live with Mara or some shit. Unfortunately, the only regret he had was not loosing his virginity sooner. 'Fuck. I'm gonna die a virgin.' Why am i such a pussy?

As the big boobed monster kept getting closer and closer to me I noticed with a touch of glee that she had no more axes. I got a little cocky and maybe that was my second bad decision that day but hell, if i was gonna die why not live life to the fullest?

"Hey, I know I stole from you and all but it was really shiny." Ulfra glared daggers and i almost felt them stab into my soul. Damn, maybe scary is an understatement. Any lady who can make me feel pain by just looking at me has earned my utmost respect. Too bad she was gonna kill me.

She stopped a few feet from me and placed her hand on the hilt of her sword. I watched as she drew the beautiful and terrifying blade from its sheathe. If I was gonna lose my balls at least it would be by a pretty sword.

"Look now, thief! This is the sword I was blessed with by my father. It's name is Adilya and it is Elvish for the word justice. Many of my enemies have fallen by my hand and you will be the next. Prepare your balls for castration!"

"Hey just calm down. You probably don't have the balls to do it anyway, bitch!" I yelled back at her 'please adrea or deadra help me.' I need to fucking shut up.

Meanwhile back in oblivion…

"He just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper." Molag Bal spoke. By now a crowd had gathered around the portal to witness the scene. Some of the Deadra lords had begun to place bets on who would come out the victor. Everyone; however, wanted to be present for the first ever death-by-castration.

"Well Molag, he's going to lose his life anyway," Meridia replied. "Although, I must find out where he learned such of such foul speech. I don't think the Deadra lord of language knew such words existed." This earned her a couple chucked from the lords behind her.

"Look! The she-demon is saying something! Be quiet and we might be able to hear her words."A shout came from one of the deadra in the gathering crowd. They all watched as more words were exchanged and the show came closer to its end.

'Some of the deadra are going to be disappointed,' Molag mused. The bets were mostly placed on the young women but he had a feeling that the outcome was going to be an unexpected one.

In Windhelm

"OK, maybe we can make a deal? Let me have the amulet and you walk away. I keep my balls and the amulet." I reasoned. She gave me a look that said 'bitch, please.' At that moment if decided that Windhelm girls were too scary and that if I survived this I was going to move to Whiterun. Perhaps the women there were more kind and less… deadly.

"You're very bad at making deals, Mr. Thief. I am the daughter of the Jarl of Windhelm, I am far from stupid and you would do well to remember that."

"Hell no! Sorry baby, you can't insult my bartering skills and get away with it. I have a reputation to uphold." I gave her a smirk and winked. For some reason, that seemed to piss her off more. Fucking women. Always so nit picky.

"Asshole. You really need to learn to shut that cocky mouth of yours. Women don't like men with intellect."

"Thank you!" I gave a little bow and fanned my forehead like I was hot. "You really know how to flatter a guy, don't you baby?"

"That's it! I'm gonna cut your balls off and tie they to my wall so I can remember this day and laugh. This will be my greatest accomplishment, yet. I'm doing the world a favor, really." With those words she brandished her sword and raced towards me. Her face was the picture of beauty, red with rage and eyes bright with bloodlust. Ahh what a sight.

SWING

"You're a sarcastic son of a bitch, aren't you?"

"Really, it's my pleasure. Well this has been fun, but I have to be going." Shit, I'm fucked. I am so fucked. I took one step back coming into contact with the cold stone wall. Dammit.

I looked up and to my relief, there weren't any guards patrolling that area. 'If only i could get up there.' I risked a glance back at Ulfra and noticed that she had stopped running at me to pick up my loot bag. Fuck. When did I drop that?

Luckily I had the amulet in my pocket, thanking every dirty alive that i had been too lazy to put it in the bag when I stolen it. 'I so need to stand in the mirror and praise my eternal greatness. That is if I survive.'

In her moment of distraction, I took out daggers. I jammed the sharp edges into the wall and quickly began scaling my way towards the top. "Bye, babe. This has been fun but I've got places to be!"

That caught her attention. She looked up and i laughed at the comical way her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Hey where are you going!" She rushed over and I was about to insult her masculinity again when she lunged upwards and gripped my leg. Well, this is great.

"Let go! You fucking troll! How are you so strong? Have you been eating Deadra hearts for breakfast? Damn!" I tried to wiggle my leg free but her iron grip on my leg was impossible to break free of.

"Not without my amulet." Ulfra grit her teeth and pulled. One of the things pride myself on is my strength. I may be a thief but I am all lean muscle ready to slip in and out of unlocked windows. This bitch fucking pulled me off the wall like i was a loose nail in the wall!

I am a thief. Perhaps if I had been a mage I would have cast a strength spell of maybe a fight spell. However, I don't study in the school of magic and I don't know how to do either of those things. I fell from the wall straight into the awaiting arms of my lovely capture. This is not how I had envisioned this day turning out. I may have thought that maybe she would turn out nice and beg me to sweep her off of her feet. However, it turned out that she was the one to sweep me off my feet.

Well this is awkward.

"So… this is nice," I so wisely said. "You're even prettier up close, babe." A thought floated across my mind and I grinned slyly at the still confused Ulfra. I place my hands in either side of her head until her eyes focused on me. A gave her another flirtatious wink before leaning in and slotting our lips together in a chaste kiss. Wow. She isn't so bad for a crazy witch.

When I pulled away she was looking at me like I was crazy, which I probably was. I utilized this moment and slipped from her arms. In a brief moment of genius, I remembered my loot bag and swiftly grabbed it from Ulfra's belt. "We should do this again sometime. But maybe next time we can have more fun?" I have her a suggestive smile. Poor girl still looked a little dazed. Damn, was I that good?

I turned on my heel and dashed back down the alley. This was the beginning of my adventures. The decision to steal the amulet and run away from Ulfra and even giving her that kiss had sealed my fate. My life was to become an uneven path to which I had no clue what to do. My future was suddenly unclear and as I think back on it now. Maybe that wasn't so bad.