Nights' thoughts
Before I went to Nightmare, people said I was carefree and happy, but now, I don't agree with them.
After being numbed my life became different, I could do what I wanted when I wanted how I wanted, I was the master's great creation. If someone did something that displeased me I could have them executed, destroyed, so no one ever denied me what I wanted, and I enjoyed it too, oh yes I did, feeling superior, above everyone else. And, as the numbing continued, I became vicious, even to Reala, my own brother, but I didn't care; he couldn't stop me. Then it became scary. I would punish myself whenever I did the slightest thing wrong, I cut my arms open, and my neck, and now I can't scream I can't cry I can barely laugh, though I don't really care; I don't do much laughing anymore.
Then the numbing was completed and I only cared about master, every thing I did was for master, I could not go a day without master's touch, it killed me to watch him leave me alone with the Nightopians and that traitorous Reala.
Then I was able to reclaim my life, my mind, but I was never the same. Anger came naturally, hatred coursed trough my veins, and you know what, sometimes, I enjoy it; the anger burning in my chest, the hatred turning my blood to fire; pain is my haven now, sadness is my sweet escape.
But of course that isn't the end, oh no, not by a long shot. My mind has been permanently skewed up; I am on the edge of insanity, and you know what I don't care, I don't care that I lose three days every month, I don't care that I've taken too many sedatives, I don't care that I might go completely insane sooner or later, I'd rather be totally insane then on the brink; so much pain…confusion; I don't know who I am anymore; am I Nights, or something much more sinister?
The only comfort I find anymore is in my brother's arms, he's afraid for me, and he doesn't want me to get hurt anymore, but he doesn't know the pain I'm always in, he doesn't know how many nights I've lied awake, praying for relief; for the pain to subside, I don't care how it happens, god could take my breath for all I care I just want it to all go away; the pain, the anguish, the worry. Every time I yawn, or trip, my friends ask if I'm lapsing, losing control of my mind, I tell them I'm o.k. but they look at me out of the corners of their eyes to make sure I'm still me; I hate it, I hate it, I hate them for worrying, I hate them for caring, I just want them to leave me alone!
I just don't know what to do anymore, I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't, I just want to die, but I can't, I could never take my life; leave the warmth and security of my brother's arms, never.
They say that when I lapse I hurt myself when I do something wrong, and I lash out at people if I feel threatened, how many people have I hurt? No one ever tells me, but I want to know, they say that they don't want me to be more depressed then I already am, and I tell them I'm not depressed I'm going insane, then Reala hugs me and kisses my forehead and tells me that I shouldn't think that, because it isn't true, but it is, they don't know, they don't, I feel my sanity leave me bit by bit; mad laughter threatening to damage my voice, my thoughts become more and more demented every day, and it scares me and yet… I need to stop before the thoughts creep back into me…
But who really cares if they do or don't they make me strong, they sooth my aching heart, to lose my self in my insanity, give myself up and let it seep into my conscious until I can not control myself anymore, and… no, no I need to wake up I-I… I need Reala, I can't do this anymore, please dear god make it go away… I need to go, I need to sleep, I think I'm lapsing I cant stay awake I'm done…