Alright, so recently Aperture Science has been in the dump for the last few years involving cash as we've been forced to sell every last ounce of moonrock. The last thing we need are test subjects from all over the world throwing unnecessary fits of anger at us for labeling them with numbers.. Which is exactly what happened a few days ago. Let me put this out there: As CEO of Aperture Science Innovators (Science, all the like) I'd like to point out that labeling you by simple numbers isn't an insult. Plus, you people volunteered for the damn stuff! You asked, we created. End of story. If you volunteer, that means we have complete control over your name and the sorts. If you're going to whine about being labeled a test subject out of another 6000 people that have been so, take it up with our foreman. We've been preparing for this unlikely event in which our customers complained about being called by a NUMBER, so we set up what we call the Robot Transversion Facility. All you have to do is ship 300 dollars to us. Cash. What it'll do? Simple! We'll replace your organs with.. Nothing. And add silver over your bones. Then we'll remove your skin and replace it with either Copper ($30), Silver ($559) or Gold ($127,000)! Again, all you have to do is ship 300 dollars cash and we'll send a robot right to your home to convert you into a robot for testing!
We don't exactly know what'll happen when you're converted. You'll either go on a massive killing spree, which will earn you a reputation for being.. Well, really really evil. But that shouldn't happen! In fact, under the risk that it does happen, we've made sure that your brain functions immediately shut down at the touch of human contact. You might explode for various reasons I can not explain, which shouldn't happen either because we're good at this stuff.
P.S. In case you're wondering, the pain is minimum during conversion. Our foreman makes sure the bots who successfully convert you, well, do it successfully. However, under the minimal circumstances that our Foreman screws up and/or gets angry for some odd reason, the bots will probably cause vast amounts of pain during the process. Don't worry though! Worst case scenario, you die. Best case scenario, you withstand the horrific pain but live to tell the tale.
P.P.S Turns out if you DO live to tell the tale, you'll most likely die during the overwhelming tests in which we will test you in. Not a surprising outcome; most of our test subjects die anyway.. horrifically. Hey, we're all being honest here. You go home, I continue making one million in cash each month. I may have exaggerated the amount, but we both know it's a lot of money each month.
-Cave Johnson