Dark Paradise Chapter 1, a vampire academy fanfic

Hi Everyone... Long time, no hear!
Yesterday, I was listening to a song and suddenly a story popped into my head... This is it! It will only be two chapters but I had to get out... so here 'tis... Thanks to Sassy for her mad Beta skills... :-)
I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think...
I haven't forgotten Achilles, I'm still writing it...

Song name: Dark Paradise by Lana Del Ray... Google it and listen, it really sets the mood for this little Two shot!

Rose

Another weekend….

Another 'get-together' as my friends like to say….

Eight months.

That's how long it's been.

"Do you want another drink Rose?" I turn away from the ocean, our ocean, and look at my best friend, Lissa.

"Nah, I'm right." I say holding up the drink I've been nursing for the last half hour. I can see in her eyes that she knows where my head is, it's on you… but I also know that she won't say anything. I know this because she hasn't said anything for the last three months.

Each day, I try to hide just how much pain is in my heart, but I know she sees it; she always has.

"Chris wants to put on a scary movie… You wanna join us?"

"In a bit; I won't be long." She gives me a tentative smile and a single nod of her head before turning back to the house and goes inside.

From my deck chair, I turn back to face the ocean. I can't see it really; it's too dark but I can see where it crashes against the sand… bubbling away in the light of the moon overhead.

I remember your smile. The shape of your perfect mouth, the fullness of your lips, the white of your teeth… even the deep, warm brown depths of your eyes, but what's becoming harder to remember is the sound of your laughter. I'm desperate to remember the deep timbre of your voice as it reverberates through my body and soul. What I do remember though, is how every time I heard it, it would light me up from the inside out. I smile at the memory; the pain recedes…

But then I remember…

You're no longer here…

And the deep fissure opens in my chest once again… The bleeding takes the place of the love that used to flow within me; strangely with the same intensity…

I can feel my friends watching me from inside our beach house. I can almost feel the burning of their eyes in the back of my head. I know they worry about me; I see it on their faces, in their eyes… I remember each and every time they've told me over the last few months that I need to let you go… that you're not coming back. I remember because every single time they said those words was like a knife to my very soul…

I don't know how to do what they want. I don't know how to live without you by my side. I don't know how to go on, or even how to contemplate letting you go…

I'm stagnant.

In my life, in my pain… in my very soul.

Still, I'm aware that I'm barely putting one foot in front of the other most days. Then, when I have a good day, when I can actually find the strength to do something other than look out at the ocean and think of you, something will happen to bring me right back down…. A letter will arrive for you or some unsuspecting, ignorant telemarketer calls and asks if you're home…

The first time that happened, my heart literally stopped and my mouth ran dry; I couldn't move, I couldn't speak or hear anything but the thumping of my heart. I don't know how long I sat there, holding the phone against my ear but by the time I blinked and came back into myself, the person on the other end had long gone and there was nothing but silence around me.

A single tear fell from my eye and ran unhindered down my cheek at the memory of those calls. I stand up and walk towards the stairs that lead down to the soft sand. I watch as the powdery white sand squishes through my toes as I walk towards the water, then stop at the edge of where the soft sand starts to harden. I can see the water easily now and I watch as it ebbs and flows, back and forth.

I wrap my arms around my body and close my eyes against the pain of all the memories then a song flows into my head, a song that I've had on repeat for nearly as long as you've been gone. I know the words like the back of my hand now; they're imprinted in my brain and soul… Each line is like it's been written especially for me, for us.

All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahhh, that's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahhh, that's how we played it

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

I hear the music that accompanies the words, the drum beat that almost resembles the stuttering of my heart whenever I see your picture on the walls of our home.

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

It's true… It's my deepest fear. It's also the only reason that's kept me from doing something that would dump the pain I feel onto the shoulders of my friends and family… The lure of ending the pain is there every day but that would definitely ensure that I'd never be with you again. So, I endure…

My soul is split into two… There is a part of me that knows, a little voice deep inside that whispers for me to accept that you aren't coming back but then there is the other part of me that beats that voice into a bloody pulp every time it makes a noise.

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ahhh, that's why I stay here

I know that I should do what my friends want but the loss of you was just so great, so absolute that I just can't…. It's like my very being has been totally and utterly destroyed.

I remember the first time Lissa asked me to come home, to sell the beach house and come back to everyone who loves me… I know she was only trying to help but I freaked the fuck out… Yelling and screaming; telling her to piss off and leave me the fuck alone, that this is our house and it would remain that way. I saw the pain in her face as the words spewed out of me but I couldn't help myself. I felt terrible about the things I said later on when I calmed down. I called her and apologised; it was you actually that showed me what I'd truly done to my friend. Your voice had surrounded me… 'Roza… don't…. Everything is fine, I'm fine… tell her you're sorry.'

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you

But there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight

They lie you know… 'They', the ones who say that time heals all wounds…. But they're wrong, they lie… Time has only made my wounds worse. I feel as if I'm just floating through my life, waiting… I'm not sure for what, but I do know that something won't let me move away from the pain I felt the day you were no longer in my life…

There's no relief, I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me
There's no release, I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine

As the song in my head starts to come to a close, I know that the music will stop suddenly… just like my life eight months ago. I watch the waves in front of me crashing, then move closer to my feet. I'm not sure how much more I can bear before I finally lose myself; before I finally snap.

I can't help but sing along with the last words of the song in my head, even though the hands of emotion have my throat firmly in its grasp….. they just need to said… out loud.

"But there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight"

I'm so tired…. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… I just want to close my eyes…for a really, really long time. Because I'm really starting to fear for my sanity.

Baby….

"Great!" I whisper to myself. "Now you can hear him when you're awake too… You've hit a new personal low, Rose." The whispered sound is different than normal though, it sounds almost as pained as I feel…

Roza…

My chest hurts…

The fissure gets a little wider… Why can't the pain just leave me for one night? Maybe I should have taken up Lissa's offer of alcohol. I take a deep breath and give our ocean one last look before I go back inside.

"I love you." I whisper into the night. "I always will."

As I love you.

I sniff back the tears that threaten to fall and turn around.

Then I stop.

I'm confused… My brain can't comprehend what's in front of me…

I close my eyes…

"Damn…" I mutter softly. "It finally happened. The pain finally sent me mad. Huh…" I opened my eyes and everything is still there, him in uniform. "I guess this is better than… the last eight months, yeah, I can live with this… this is better."

"Roza. Baby, it's me…"

For a split second, I wonder if I should tell Lissa about this new development. Hallucinations are normally a warning sign that the end is near for you. Maybe I should be in a padded cell… "Why now? Why after all this time am I only seeing him now?"

"Rose…" My phantom love moves closer and I'm taken by the fact that its legs actually move. The strangeness of it is startling, I would have thought he'd just move… float forward, like a ghost. "I'm really here."

"Yeah…"

"Oh, my love, you're not hallucinating, it really is me."

I can't help but giggle. "Yup… I'm talking to myself. Oh God… it's worse, I'm talking to my own delirium. Fuck… no wonder everyone was so worried."

My half-hearted humour dies away as I watch his hand rise up from his side. "You're not mad baby, I'm really home. I'm going to touch you, okay?"

If only…

I watch…

"I'm real baby. I love you, I missed you so much."

Then it happened.

The feeling of something touching my cheek is so shocking, I'm not even aware of the fact that my body has jumped away as if it's been scalded by a hot iron… The loose sand beneath my feet gives way and I fall backwards. I land hard and the surprised gasp of air that I'd just pulled into my lungs is suddenly forced back out.

"Rose!" My attention is pulled away from the pain that is reverberating through my body at the sound of his voice… "Are you alright?"

I look into the eyes of my missing love; eyes I'd been dreaming of for months now. My brows knot together in confusion; if I was sane I'd almost believe this was real. His hand reaches out to me again and I recoil. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no…." I mutter as I scoot backwards. "I didn't feel that! I didn't feel that! It's not real, it's just a hallucination Rose, you're just…" I gasp in surprise as the cold ocean water hits against my back.

"Lissa!" His raised voice snaps me out of my rambling and I look back into the eyes of the man that has owned my heart for more than a decade, they look scared. Why would he be scared?

"Rose, Rose…" I rip my eyes away from the vision in front of me and see my best friend running to me. Should I tell her? She's going to want to know why I'm sitting in the water and freaking out… I look back and he's still there. "Rose, calm down…"

"Lissa… I'm so sorry." I cry. "I should have listened to you, I should have listened…"

"Rose, what's wrong?" She drops into the sand beside me and I stare up at her with wide eyes.

"I've finally snapped, I'm so sorry…"

"Oh, sweetie…"

"Roza." His voice brings me back and I whip my face around to look at him. "Look at me baby, I'm really here. Touch me… I'm back."

"I can see him Lissa." I whispered, not taking my eyes off him.

"Rose…" I can feel her trying to turn my face to hers but I can't stop looking at him.

My eyes are starting to burn.

"Shit…" my dream cures. "I should've called first, I didn't think…. Roza, please… take my hand baby, it's really me. Let me explain, please."

"Listen to him Rose."

It took a second for her words to register…. I spun around to look at her; my heart was thumping so hard it was starting to hurt. "What did you say?"

"You're not seeing things, sweetie, it really is him; he's really here." She's crying…. I watch her eyes lift – in his direction.

She can see him too?

I look back… to open arms… "I love you baby. I'm really home."

He goes blurry…. Burning tears fall….

"Dimitri….?" I somehow strangle out.

"Yeah baby, it's me." Hallucinations don't cry. Shit!

"Oh God…." Before I even register the thought, I'm up and slamming into his body. It's real! I can feel him; he's not a figment of my impending psychosis… "It's you, it's really you." I'm aware that we're now lying on the sand, me on top, but all I can do is look at him, touch him.

"You scared me babe." He said holding my face in his hands. "I'm so sorry Roza, I'm so fucking sorry."

"I thought you were… I didn't want to believe it. Everyone kept saying that you were… that it'd been too long, that… that you couldn't still be…"

"I know… Shhhh." His thumbs wiped across my cheeks, his eyes flicking between my eyes and different parts of my face. "I've missed you so much, missed this beautiful face so much."

Then his lips were on mine… Finally, after eight long, depressing months, I feel his warm, soft lips against me once again and I can't hold in the emotions any longer. Gut wrenching sobs explode as we desperately cling to each other. I want to crawl into his body, crawl in so deep that I'll never be away from him again, never lose him again.

I feel him sitting up but our mouths are still joined. The taste of his tongue against mine is like walking into your childhood home after many years away… Home! When he pulls away, I'm desperate to hold him to me. "I'm not going anywhere love… I promise. Never again; I'll never leave you again Roza but let's go back to the house, it's fucking freezing down here."

My desperation to believe that I'm really not having the wickedest of delusions of all time makes me cling to him like flies on shit… My face buries into his neck as my arms wrap tightly around his neck, my legs follow suit around his waist. It may not be easy for him to get up with me like this, but I don't give a flying fuck, he's in my arms and that's where he's gonna stay.

An hour later, I'm still curled up on his lap, still firmly attached around his body. I've heard every word that he's said in explanation as to his capture. I was never happy about him going off to fight. I was proud of him and his desire to fight for his country but I'd always hated the thought that one day he wouldn't come home to me… and then it happened. But I know now that I'm luckier than a lot of people. He did come home... eventually. It may have taken longer than either of us wanted but he was finally here. The injuries he's sustained means that he will never return, he'd never be in danger again and for that I couldn't help but be thankful.

His rescue had happened only 36 hours before. Intelligence on the location of a POW had been leaked by a local and the army had gone in, 'guns-a-blazin', finding Dimitri in a make-shift cell months after he'd been taken in a raid. His captors hadn't been all that kind and he'd only received rudimentary medical help for the gun shot and broken bones; he'd also lost a lot of weight. After a quick evaluation and debrief, he hightailed it home to me. And in his eagerness, he didn't call to warn me.

The images his tale invokes in my mind make the room disappear…. I'm locked in my own head…

I see the camaraderie between Dimitri and those he serves with… I know they will protect each other to the death…

He was there only two months when everything went to shit.

=Flashback=

I can hear someone knocking at the front door, so I race down the staircase…

"Coming…" I yell out. The door opens with a smile on my face, but it soon disappears as I see the people who stand in front of me… "No…."

My head's shaking in disbelief…. Not Dimitri…

"Mrs Belikov, may we come in please?"

My stomach flips and clenches…

=x=

Missing… Not dead… Missing

"We're doing everything we can to locate your husband, Mrs Belikov."

Not enough…

It's what I want to say.

=x=

I sit in utter shock and desperation on the rear deck of the beach house after they leave, looking out over our ocean. Wet and dried tracks of salty tears line my face…

You're not dead… I'd feel it if you were. I know I would.

"Rose, where are you woman?"

I hear the voice of my best friend but only enough to know she's inside the house.

"Rose, whatya doin' out here, it's freezing? Rose, are you listening to me? Rose?"

=x=

"Rose, honey… it's been nearly six months. They've called off the search. Come home… It's not doing you any good living out here all on your own."

She thinks he's dead.

=x=

I stand at the top of the staircase listening to Lissa and Chris talk. I know I shouldn't, but I can't walk away.

"I'm so worried Chris… she's not getting any better."

"I know you are babe, but she has to work this out for herself. You can't make the hurt go away for her, no matter how much you want to."

"I feel like I've lost her. My best friend died when Dimitri did. I want her back."

I squeeze my eyes shut… 'He's not dead', I want to scream…

"She may never come back Liss…."

=x=

"Roza." I come out of my head at the feel of his lips against my forehead; his hand pressed against my cheek. I look up into eyes that I never thought I'd see again and more tears fall… "Oh baby."

I shudder against the feel of his gentle kiss. "Hold me…" I whisper.

"Forever." He says as he stands up with me in his arms. He turns in the direction of our bedroom and I notice that we're now alone, I didn't even hear everyone leave. From where I have my face buried in the warmth of his neck, I feel myself jostled slightly and then I hear the loud clunking of his shoes as they hit the floor. He lays me gently on our bed but I'm scared to let him go… "I'm not going anywhere, beautiful… just let me get out of these."

Reluctantly, I release my hold and watch as he unbuckles his belt and his uniform is slowly discarded, leaving him in cotton boxers and an army issued t-shirt. When he slips in between the sheets, my body instinctively moves in closer; it's almost magnetic. Instantly, I feel my body sigh in relief as he envelops me in his scent and embrace….

I remember this… It's a feeling I haven't felt in nearly a year… Safe, grounded.

"I love you." His whispered proclamation is said again and again each and every time his lips touch my skin. His hands touch me everywhere… remembering, reconnecting, then his thumb gently traces my lips before he leans forward, silently showing me how much he loves me.

So gentle… So loving…

The pain of my heart restarting is almost as bad as when it died…

"I've missed you so much, my love…" His voice is choked with pain. "So very, very much. Picturing you in my mind kept me alive, kept me from giving up, so many times. I couldn't just die…"

I gasp at his admission; a memory is brought forward….

I want to die so badly… I just want to give up, the pain is too great, I can't do it anymore. I try to think of how I want to stop the pain… but then I see his face, the face of my love. The man whom I have loved for more than a decade and I know if I do something stupid, I'll never see it again… I know I can't do what I want to do…

I endure…

"I nearly died without you…" I cry… "My heart did…"

"I'm so sorry, you'll never know how much. I'm so glad you held on for me Roza, so glad…"

"I need you…"

"You have me. Forever."

I feel the light of life start to fill the dark empty places of my soul that were left open and weeping in the wake of Dimitri's disappearance. I never thought I'd feel this again and I found myself taking note of every touch, every breath, every word as our bodies and souls came together….

"You are my life Roza, the very essence of what keeps my heart beating."

I felt the truth of his words reverberate within me. After all, they were my truth also… he was the very air that kept me alive… tethered to this earth.

Even with all the evidence in front of me, everyone's words… my soul knew he was not lost to me. It wouldn't let me give up, to stop believing…

We were one and would be till the end of time….

As our bodies soared, the fissure that had split me in half for months now finally closed… The coldness of despair, thawed and hope for the future bloomed up inside.

I had him back….

Well, there you have it... Next chapter will be from our favourite badass... Dimitri!

Let me know what you think...