I Hath Telekinesis: A completely unnecessary My Immortal Parody, by Megan Hermione Lovegood.
I strode through the forest, peering through the trees in search of my pray. Finally, after several minutes of searching, I heard sobs coming from just ahead of me. Upon closer inspection, I heard that the speaker was muttering, "Why in Satan did I give my virility to that poser prep Draco?!" As I peered through the bracken, the spray-painted purple hair and black and red clothing confirmed that I had found her.
The One.
Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven TARA Way.
Grinning evilly, I hopped onto my broomstick and flew towards her at rapid speed. Enoby turned around and saw me, her crimson lips opening wide in horror, but before she could do anything, I raised my wand. However, Enoby's beauty was so great, that words failed me and I forgot everything I knew. Panicking, I tried to improvise with a half-hearted "Imperius!". However, as I had suspected as soon as the words had passed my lips, the spell was useless, as Enoby then raised her own wand and shouted, "Crookshanks!"
Suddenly, a fat, ginger cat with a squashed face leapt out of the wand and dived at my face, knocking me off my broomstick and onto the ground. I screamed in shock and pain as the cat mauled me. I managed to squint through the fur and flash of fang and claw, and saw Enoby's face, looking at me with pity, even though she was a sadist. She raised her wand and muttered the counter-curse, causing the cat to disappear.
"Enoby!" I called, getting to my feet. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" Enoby's beauty was so great that not only was I forgetting how to use magic in her presence, but my mindset seemed to have gone back several centuries.
"No, Voldemort!" Enoby shouted.
Since I had forgotten the basic use of magic, I barely thought anything of it when I handed Enoby a gun.
"Thou must!" I demanded. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" The day before, I had used my telekinesis to levitate an object and bash it into the skull of my servant, Wormtail, over and over again until he got amnesia. I then gave him a new age and name (sixteen year old Snaketail, AKA "The fat guy who killed Cedric"), placed him into Hogwarts as a spy and had recently been told that Enoby was, er, having Draco Malfoy put his "thingie" into her "You-Know-What".
"How did you know?" Enoby asked.
I looked at her in a way that suggested she had mental retardation. "I hath telekinesis," I told her. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" I then climbed back onto my broomstick and flew away from Enoby in an angry fashion.