How I Met your Mother
The Five Dates Rule
'So, kids, today I'm going to tell you about the time your Uncle Barney found out that there was a "Gal-Code". Of course, you know that Barney was always rambling on and on about the illustrious Bro-Code, but until this defining week in his life, he never truly understood that there was a parallel code just for women, and rule number one is "The Five Dates Rule".'
"All right, all right!" Barney rambled off, he was staring off at the bar, as usual. "10 o'clock?"
"No." I said.
'I'd really gotten surprisingly good at being your uncle Barney's wingman, I had already scouted the 'talent' up at the bar before even coming to sit down, and I'd been periodically glancing at the girls' reflections in the juke box, I knew what every girl looked like that was sitting at that bar...
'Now, kids, I'm not proud of that.'
"Ted, you didn't even look at the girl, you couldn't possibly-"
"Her left breast is easily one cup size larger than her right breast." I told him.
"No way!" Barney protested.
"Tilt your head" I said.
'When he tilted his head as I had commanded he got an awful look on his face.'
"How did you? How did you know that?" He asked.
"Easy, Barney, when I walked in the front door and saw that you were the only person in the booth, I knew I was going to be your wingman, so I scouted the talent. I noticed that that particular girl looked a little odd, and at first I couldn't quite tell what was wrong, but that's when it occurred to me, that both of her breasts looked the same size, but she was leaning into the bar on her right side, her right breast should have looked much larger."
"Wow, Ted, you should be proud of yourself, that was Legen… wait for it…"
'Just then Carl walked up to the booth holding two glasses of milk.'
"Dairy, anyone?"
"Thank you, Carl!" Barney shouted, he took the milk from Carl and shooed him away. "You have such talent, you must be so proud!"
'I wasn't!'
"Well, I just figured that if I'm not going to find my future wife right now, I might as well have fun, and you are the most reckless person I know when it comes to having fun with members of the opposite sex."
"Ted," Barney started to tear up, "you have no idea how proud that makes me feel!"
"Alright, what do you think my chances are with 10:30?"
"You don't have a snowball's chance in hell!"
"Why not? She's not even that great looking, she's probably a 6, Robin's an 8 and I nailed that."
"No, Ted, you don't realize that you don't have a shot, because I'm going to buy her a round of shots."
"Don't you have a 10 sitting outside of your apartment waiting for you?"
"For the love of God, Ted, why do I have to keep explaining this to you? NEW IS ALWAYS BETTER! Sure I have a 10 sitting outside of my apartment… but I've already seen them, snuggled with them, and motor-boated them, but I've never seen this 6's tatas, and that makes her 10 times hotter than the 10 I have at home… do you know what that makes her, Ted? That makes that 6 at the bar a 100… she's a one hundred… that is one with two zeros after it." Barney said, he patted me on the shoulder and continued up to the bar.
'I sat in the booth, lonely, I knew just a few of the sick and degrading things that your uncle Barney was going to do to that girl, and even that made me pass on the hot wings that were sitting on the table in front of me.
'So I decided to try my luck up at the bar. I walked up behind the prettiest girl I saw and just leaned on the bar in front of her.'
"Do you like scotch?" I asked.
"I love a nice scotch." She said, she gave me a small smile, mixed with a slight tilt in the head.
"Carl, can I have a bottle of your most expensive scotch?"
"That'd be 1700 dollars."
"How about your most expensive bottle of scotch that is priced under 150 dollars?"
"Coming right up." Carl disappeared into the stock room.
"Are you this charming all the time?"
"Only when I'm not busy being super attractive." I laughed.
"My name's Abby."
"Ted Mosby"
"You know what I like to wear when I'm drinking scotch?"
"What would that be?"
"Nothing"
'Kid's, I'm not going to lie, I was rather attracted to this woman, and in that moment when all of the blood rushed from my head to… well, my head, I added 150 dollars to my tab, and never got to enjoy that bottle of scotch.
'At this point in the story, Abby and I were getting rather hot and heavy in the backseat of the cab, normally I would have been embarrassed, but Ranjhit was our driver, and he was pretty cool about it. Everything was going amazing, until my phone rang.'
'Ted,' Barney said over the phone, 'What the hell is the five dates rule?' Barney asked me.
"I don't know… I guess you have to wait five dates for, well, I'm assuming from it being you that it's sex."
'You mean I will never have sex with this girl?'
"No, I mean you have to go on five dates with her."
'So you're saying I will never have sex with this girl?'
"I'm going" I hung up the phone, turned it off, and put it in my pocket. "So, where were we?"
'I really don't think you guys need to hear this part of the story, but now is a good time to stop for lunch, I'm starved, it seems like I've been talking to you guys for 7 years.'