Darth Maul was very cross. Every time he thought he had hatched the perfect devilish plan, a silly Jedi came and foiled everything. No more, he concluded one day. No more. He constructed a stylish double-edged blade that glowed red so it would match his skin tone, and set out to destroy some good guys. Tragically, the very cross Darth Maul did not last long against the calm and collected Jedi masters, and soon found himself tied to a tree in a clearing.
"And there you shall stay, Darth Maul, until you are no longer so cross," said Qui Gon Jinn. "You are in need of a serious attitude adjustment. We shall return for you when this has occurred."
"Augh!" howled Darth Maul. "You'll pay for this dearly, Jedi, mark my words!" He concentrated with all his might to untie himself using the force, but his attempts were in vain. He had taken care to make sure his lightsaber was fashionably tied to his back before he had left the house that morning, but in this moment, tied to a tree, Darth Maul was very annoyed at himself for allowing Cosmo!Sith Magazine to dictate where he kept his weapons.
"Hey! Hey! Help!" cried Darth Maul to nobody in particular. Then he heard footsteps, and out of the clearing emerged Boromir. "Boromir?" Darth Maul was surprised for many reasons, beginning with the fact that Boromir had been dead since The Fellowship of the Ring, and ending with the fact that this was Star Wars, and not Lord of the Rings.
"I see you've been banished from your trilogy as well," Boromir said, sitting beside Darth Maul.
"Banished?" Darth Maul's yellow eyes looked upset.
"Well, yes. They've left you, haven't they?"
"They said they would come back."
"That's what they told me," Boromir said nonchalantly, "and I ended up stuffed with arrows, plummeting down a waterfall in a tiny rowboat." Darth Maul stared at him. "Of course, the idea didn't really sit well with me, so I found a new epic trilogy to take part in." Boromir stated this plainly.
"Well, they won't banish me."
"You sound very certain."
"They can't. I am quite important to the plot."
"So was I."
"Look, Boromir. Instead of dampening my spirits so, why don't you keep me company while I'm banished?"
Boromir paused. "I don't see why not. I have nothing better to do."
"Good! Now start by untying me from this tree!"
"Sorry, Darth Maul, but that's against regulations. I signed an agreement saying I can't interfere with the plotline."
"That makes me very cross."
"Now you see? It's that sort of thinking that got you into this mess. Chin up, mate." Darth Maul glared at the cheerful man.
"The moment I'm untied from this tree, I will split you down the middle!"
"That's not a great incentive for me to untie you, is it?"
"Oh, you're right Boromir," Darth Maul said with resignation. "It's just, I haven't eaten breakfast. I get so grumpy when I'm hungry."
"Oh yes, I do too! Once I have a bite I always feel better," Boromir said.
"Say, why don't you cook me something?"
"Sorry, Darth Maul. That is also against regulations. Your starvation is probably a test of your character, and if I fed you it would interfere with the plot." Darth Maul rolled his eyes.
"Fine," he snapped. Suddenly an idea came to him. If he could get out his lightsaber. . . He began moving his shoulder to loosen it. That didn't work, so he began reaching over his shoulder with his chin, snapping at his weapon.
"What in the world are you doing?" Boromir said, quite alarmed. Darth Maul stopped suddenly.
"Oh! I just thought these gnats might make a nice snack."
"What a resourceful Sith Lord you are!"
"Yes. . . eating the gnats, I was," Darth Maul laughed. Then he stopped and turned to Boromir with all seriousness and said, "All right you buffoon. Untie me."
"I've told you once. It's against regulations."
"Regulations!" Darth Maul cried. "How cross they render me!"
"But don't you see? If I release you I might be banished to another, much more terrible Alternate Universe. Something like," he shuddered, "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody!"
"Oh! Doom and evil!" said Darth Maul. "I shall not try to tempt you again."