Hello reader/s! This is my fanfic of The Mikado! Just a warning, me and my friend decided to write this after being in a mini production of the Mikado, so it's full of inside-jokes that only our cast would understand... Sorry! Comments are appreciated!
DISCLAIMER!: Of course, all this awesomness belongs to the geniuses who wrote it Gilbert & Sullivan.
Enjoy!!
"Katisha, my dear! Finally, we are to be wed!" Koko exclaimed to the woman whose hand was clasped in his. Longingly – or so it seemed anyways – the two were gazing into each other's eyes… yes, like that.
"Oh Koko, never in my life have I been so happy, elect!" Katisha cooed, "You are a dream!"
"And you a vision, my dear." Koko reached out, and stroked the length of his bride-to-be's jaw, which promptly turned a rather embarrassing shade of bright red. Elect!
"Oh and tomorrow shall be the best day of our lives, dearest Koko! Think of it! The day we are wed… oh what a joyous occasion, isn't it?"
"But of course it is. For to be joined to you, dearest pet… Why nothing can compare!"
"Oh, stop with all this non-sense, KoKo. It is you that makes this such a ravishing experience! True love… at last. You are my very best student. Did you know?"
"Student? In the name of Pooh-Bah's abnormally large side-burns, what are you speaking of, my love?"
"Oh, but you simply must remember! Oh KoKo… My it was only a few weeks ago! Don't you remember?"
Koko turned away from the woman in his arms and spoke to the invisible man in the corner, "Should I remember? Surely yes… Women are never wrong. Hm… Perhaps Sir Pooh-Bah will know! I must consult him immediately!"
Sighing with much – maybe a little too much – passion tender, Koko stroked Katisha's hair and said, "Come, come. I am the Lord High Executioner after all. Am I to remember everything that you or anybody else for that matter, happens to tell me on one occasion?"
"Oh, but of course you're right. I do wish you would remember though… It would mean a lot to me if you would, you know."
Once again, he conversed to the invisible man, "And it would make me happy to have you stop nagging me about this, and if Pooh-Bah stole your magic balloon, and come in flying so him and I might have a word."
"Out of my way little girls, out of my way. Don't have time for little girls like you, anyways."
"Oh, well now you've done it!"
"Our hiding spot is ruined…!"
At the sound of these new, puzzling voices that were strange…yet somehow very peculiar and oddly familiar in a sickly way, Katisha turned to Koko.
"Who dares disturb us now? In our most happiest of moments…when we were discussing us."
She smiled up at him, bearing all of her yellow teeth, stained in spots from some of her very witch-like lipstick.
Koko, knowing full well who these voices belonged to was of course furious, and yet torn at not wanting Katisha to become involved in his affairs. The longed the inevitable is prolonged, the longer the inevitable stays away as he liked to put it. … Elect!
"Well, um, yes now, let's ask them to come forward shall we? You there!" he commanded authoritatively – not really - , "Will you please present me? I –I mean yourselves."
"Oh, Koko, you must know who we are!"
"Oh no… do you think he's lost it?"
"Already?!"
"Well, give me some credit now, Peep-Bo… you can not know what it must be like… you know, putting up with that old bat of a fiancé he's gone and got himself engaged to."
"Oh but of course you're right Pitti-Sing! Why I ever doubt your sensible wisdom always comes as a mystery to me!"
"GIRLS!" Koko bellowed at them.
In geisha, the two little Maids – who just came from school – stood beside their warden Koko, elect.
"Now, now. I will not tolerate harsh words towards the person you accuse! It does not concern us! For she's going to marry … me! Now, is that understood?"
"But there's lots of good fish in the sea!" Peep-Bo reminded him.
"Oh, she's quite right! You needn't be stuck with such a… a… cow! I'm sure she could pay somebody to marry her!
"You have been warned! Lest I ever catch you speaking ill towards my Katisha, you will be so sorry, that I may move you to the top of My List. I'm sure you'll not be missed."
"Yes sir…" the two mumbled in unison. The reminder of Koko's list brought back exponentially unhappy memories. Why, everyone was on the list! He's got you on this list! He's sure you'll not be missed!
"Now girls, did I hear Pooh-Bah there with you? I must speak with him."
"Yes, it is I, Lord Pooh-Bah – most commonly known as the Minister of Silly Walks – of the town of Tittipu, First Lord of the Treasury, and –"
"Ah Pooh-Bah!" Koko said, interrupting his long explanation of everything somewhat insignificant that Pooh-Bah is in charge of, "I do wish to speak with you."
"My services are open to anyone who seeks them, naturally."
"Good then, let's come over here where Kat… I do mean my wards can't hear us."
Koko, taking Pooh-Bah's arm, was not in the least bit surprised as Pooh-Bah's walk lurched him to and fro, and threw his arm up and down as they made their way over to their new spot. Yes, he truly was the Minister of Silly Walks, elect.
"Now then, Lord Koko, what is it you wish to ask me?" Pooh-Bah asked when Koko had regained his balance after being thrown about so.
"Well, it seems that the wedding ceremonies after my wedding must last a week."
"Yes, I do recall we've had this conversation previously. Correct me if I'm wrong, now."
"No, no you're quite right. I was just never exactly sure what in the name of your abnormally large side-burns you actually were trying to say on that subject."
"Well, I do recall meaning telling you, that I do offer many services to those who seek them. You asked for my assistance of numerous positions, and I gave the advice of each of them."
"Yes, but that's extremely awkward…"
"Ah, but the toils of being so heavily clad in loyalty…"
"Err…Right…"
"Do you wish to seek the assistance of my many adversaries? Or is there something other than financial matters that somehow manage to clutter you small – yet strangely intelligent – mind?" Pooh-Bah inquired.
His inquisition was left unanswered, for at that moment, a sudden outburst of giggles erupted nearby.
"What? Who goes there?" Pooh-Bah beamed in his odd, yet foreboding baritone voice.
"Oh, silly! It's only me! Pitti-Sing!" she sang out.
Meanwhile, Peep-Bo and Katisha were behind her, encouraging her forward.
"Ah…oh… well…" Pooh-Bah cleared his throat unusually loud, "Why…um…h-how…"
Another eruption from giggles sounded from the third little maid.
"H-h-how d-d"
"My, just spit out Pooh-Bah!" Koko said, chastising.
"No, no! Let him go on! Oh do let him go on!" Pitti-Sing chimed.
"Oh yes, do get on with it." Peep-Bo agreed.
"How-de-do little girl? How-de-do?" Pooh-Bah yelled – a tad bit too loud – which resulted in an instantaneous volcanic eruption of giggles from Pitti-Sing, seconded by her sister Peep-Bo's amusement.
"OH! MY PROTOPLASMAL ANCESTOR!" Pooh-Bah bellowed, covering his face with his arms, and running in the polar direction from Pitti-Sing.
"No wait! Pooh-Bah, come back!" she pleaded. But Pooh-Bah was far gone in the distance already.
"My! Those scrawny little legs can carry him far…" Peep-Bo mused aloud.
"Well, you know of course that he is the Karate Sensei here, Peep-Bo," Katisha reminded her, "Those scrawny little legs could probably pack a mean punch."
"Oh, you're right…!"
"Well of course I am. I am Katisha," she said in a matter-of-fact-meant-to-make-you-feel-stupid kind of tone. …Elect!
Meanwhile, during this oh-so-insightful – yeah, not so much – conversation, Koko was giving Pitti-Sing an earful.
You should leave poor Pooh-Bah alone! He said.
It is wrong for little girls like her to be bothering men of importance like Pooh-Bah! He said.
You are not allowed to be in love with him! He said.
And all she said was, "Yes sir," with a glum expression on her face, but really what she was thinking was:
Poor Pooh-Bah? Pooh-Bah is the richest man in Tittipu, next to you! She thought.
Men of importance? He's only ranked second in all of Japan, next to you! She thought.
I am SO allowed to be in love with him! You're still in love with my sister, Yum-Yum! Oh, much to the dismay of Peep-Bo I should think… Elect! She thought.
Suddenly, as if in completely spontaneity, Peep-Bo started laughing. Katisha looked at her as if she'd lost her mind… yet who knows? She might have. Electly even!
"Oh look at them down there! They're nearly kissing! I wonder if he's moved on to Pitti-Sing after the horrid ordeal with my sister, Yum-Yum!"
Unfortunately enough for Peep-Bo, Katisha the old cow did not find the situation half as funny as she might've if she'd just broadened her imagination a little.
"Koko!" she barked at him.
Startled by the sudden noise – which he was sure he could've mistaken for mooing – he turned in the direction of the second little maid, and his sneering bride-to-be.
"Come here, please, love?" she called a little more softly in tone. But, her voice arched just at the right moment, so Peep-Bo could really hear the anger leaking out of those four words.
"Yes, coming my pet!" he called back.
With one final glare towards Pitti-Sing, who continued her façade of fake sorrow to perfection – he half-ran back to his Katisha.
"What is it, my dear?" he cooed to her.
"Oh it's nothing Koko… I suppose you were just gone a little too long for my liking is all…" she replied.
The nearby Peep-Bo couldn't help but feel a wave of nausea wash over her stomach at all of this sick love talk. But, there was another, more foreign feeling mingled in with all the nausea. Peep-Bo was unfortunately too disgusted at that precise moment to define what that emotion was, but she figured that later on she would think it out.
Peep-Bo walked over gracefully to join her sister, who was still looking slightly downtrodden.
"Was he very mean to you, Pitti?" she asked sweetly, while joining their arms.
"Yes, he truly was. But, that's fine. He doesn't determine who I do and do not love, right?"
"Right!"
"Look, it's wonderful that you two are in accordance with each other, but we must be getting on. Koko's a grump when his stress level gets too high, you know," Katisha suddenly said.
"My, my! Well of course we know that you cow!" Pitti-sing spat, not in the least bit fearing the outcome of her vehement words.
"My word! Is that how you're going to treat your new mother-in-law? Well, now, I shall have a word with Koko!"
"Oh, calm now, please everyone! I'm sure what my sister really meant was that … um… well that we've been living under the same roof as Koko for years now! Why, he's practically raised us! Right, Pitti?"
At a hard and meaningful nudge from Peep-Bo, Pitti-Sing reluctantly agreed, and decided to let this one go. After all, she reasoned, I'll have much more crap to deal with after the wedding's over. No use in storing up anger when it can be used for much greater advantages later on… After all, I think she'd better succumb.
"Let's go, Peep," she said out loud.
With that, the two girls walked arm-in-arm back to their house. When they arrived, they decided to sit in the garden. Secretly, they were both hoping to see Pooh-Bah, or Koko walk by. And they swore to themselves to never, ever let the other know.
"Oh, Pitti-Sing, it's not fair is it?"
"What's not fair, now?"
"That all our lives we've been the wards of Koko, and then he goes and chooses our eldest sister, Yum-Yum! All because she's… how did he put it?"
"I do believe Koko said she was … well … bootilicious."
"Yes! That's it electly! But it's simply not fair!" Peep-Bo sighed, and collapsed onto a nearby rock. Pitti-Sing joined here and slung her arm around Peep-Bo's stooped shoulders.
"There now, Peep. It'll all work out."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you do love him don't you?"
"Who in the name of Pooh-Bah's abnormally large side-burns are you referring to, Pitti?"
After hearing the name of Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing's cheeks turned an unusually bright shade of pink. Unusual for a girl who is just so sarcastic and well, to put it simply, elect!
"Pitti, why are you blushing so? I only asked you why in the name of Pooh-Bah's abnormally large side-burns –"
Peep-Bo stopped herself short, coming slowly to realize something.
"Ah, Pitti-Sing! You're in love with Pooh-Bah! That's it, isn't it?" Peep-Bo began squealing and was giggling so loud, she could've drowned out Katisha's mooing no problem.
"Peep, hush!"
"But Pitti's in love with Pooh-Bah! Pitti's in love with Pooh-Bah!" Peep-Bo sang at the top of her lungs.
In desperation, Pitti-Sing clasped a hand over her sister's mouth and told her that if she didn't shut her trap this instant, Katisha might just find an unusually slimy and ultimately disgusting frog in her bed with a card that says Yours always, Love Peep-Bo!
Peep-Bo, knowing that her sister was truly being serious, shut it then.
"There now, one might be able to actually hear one's thoughts without your abnormal chipmunk laugh, Peep," Pitti-Sing teased.
"You weren't actually going to put a frog in her bed, were you?"
"But, of course I was. You know of my great, deep, burning, hatred for that woman. I'll jump at any moment I see fit to do something terrible to her. But enough of this, you never answered my question."
"What question was that?" Clearly, Peep-Bo was just avoiding the inevitable, for the longer the inevitable is prolonged, the longer is stays away.
"Are you in love with him?"
"With Pooh-Bah?!" Peep-Bo exclaimed in apparent disgust.
"No, no, quit being so naïve. With Koko of course!"
"Oh…um… well it doesn't matter does it? He's in love with… with her."
"Yes, she is quite horrid isn't she?"
"Quite."
"Girls? Girls, where are you?" Koko called.
Peep-Bo's heart fluttered a little, and she sucked in a deep breath. Pitti-Sing eyed her thoughtfully, making her full aware that she noticed.
"We're over here, Koko," Peep-Bo answered.
"Yes, right here. Have you got the cow with you?"
"Pitti-Sing!"
"Sorry…"
There was a lull, but the two little maids could've sworn they heard Koko mumbling to himself. He said something along the lines of, "Why I ever even thought to take on three little maids – THREE? – maybe I have lost it…"
"Is there anything you wanted, Koko?" Peep-Bo inquired.
"Oh, yes, um, well I've invited a guest to supper, and I'd like the two of you to make something extra special for him, understood? No funny business," Koko warned.
"Of course not, I wouldn't dream of doing anything embarrassing for you Koko…" Peep-Bo said.
Pitti-Sing eyed her with total disgust, and inquired to whom they would be serving.
"Why, Katisha of course."
Pitti-Sing groaned audibly, much to the distaste of her warden.
"One of these days, you will have to love her as a mother, Pitti-Sing. Do not forget that."
"But –"
"No, no, I'll hear no more. Run along and fix supper now, will you?"
As soon as Koko was out of sight – to, most likely, change into something a little more fancy – the girls picked up where they had left off during their previous conversation.
"I don't know how on earth you fell in love with that man," Pitti-Sing said sourly.
"Well, Koko's the only man who's ever… cared for me."
"Peep, he doesn't care for you, he cares about you. There is a difference, you know."
"A difference? How so?
"Oh silly, caring for somebody implies that you must love them! Caring about somebody – and I can assure you that's all that Koko does – means you want them to be happy, safe, and well brought up."
"Oh, I do see your point. But what if Koko does care for me?"
"Then, I pity you."
Peep-Bo shot her a glare, and strode ahead of her into the house.
Later that night during supper – which the two girls had made a scrumptious array of sashimi, hoping that Koko would pick up on their own metaphor that there are a lot of fish in the sea – Katisha would not stop talking about their wedding. Peep-Bo would've sworn she was just rubbing it in, but Pitti-Sing honestly wasn't paying enough to attention to the old windbag to even know what was being said.
"Oh, and of course your three little maids can be the bridesmaids! Whomever you choose can be your groomsmen! Oh, but if Yum-Yum is going to be a bridesmaid, Koko, it would be ever so rude of you if you didn't choose Nanki-Poo to be your best man… Unless you're sure you want him to be the musician?"
"Hm, yes, I'm quite sure. It would make Yum-Yum so happy to hear him playing again."
"Yum-Yum doesn't have to be happy," Katisha said through tight lips.
"Oh, but of course you're right," Koko agreed half-heartedly, knowing that if he did not please Yum-Yum, Nanki-Poo could influence his father, the Mikado, to actually make him be-head himself. And that would be extremely awkward.
"Oh, and my magic balloon could take us wherever we wanted afterwards Koko! Think of it! All of Japan at our own fingertips!"
"Yes, marvelous."
At the start of a talk about honeymoons, Pitti-Sing immediately was nauseated to the extreme and excused both herself, and her sister.
"I don't think she'll ever shut up…" Pitti said tersely.
"Now, now Pitti, remember that Koko loves her. And if they're both happy what else matters?"
"Oh come on! It's like you've been sucked into the dark side, Peep!"
"I can't help it… If Koko's happy, and he treats us fairly, what else can we ask for?"
Pitti-Sing grabbed hold on Peep-Bo's shoulders and looked straight into her eyes. She was shocked when she learned that Peep-Bo was being entirely serious.
It was then that Pitti-Sing swore to herself to make Koko and Katisha's wedding an absolute disaster, though that wasn't entirely necessary, it would make the old cow extremely angry. She also swore that she would be the one to make Koko fall in love with her sister. After all, he fell in and out of love once – or so he claims – so he is more than fully capable of doing it again.
And, vengeance is a little too sweet.