Shadows on the Wall
Summary: Robin's reflections on himself after another dream sequence in which Slade tells him he's worthless. RobStar pairing as usual. A bit tragic in a sense. Part 2 of 3 in the Trilogy.
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: Now if I owned Teen Titans, don't you think this would be an episode instead of a piece of fanfiction…unless of course I decided it was better in writing then on television…Hm, now doesn't that make you wonder? No. It shouldn't. Obviously they aren't mine…grumbles
A/N: Miss Nacata is back again with the second part of her Trilogy! If you haven't already, I advise you to read 'Of Dreams and Nightmares' before this one. They're all one-shots so they aren't too long. Reviews on that fic and this one would be wonderful. They make my day. Okay, I'd say you've all gotten tired of my babbling. Read on!
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'I am horrible,' He thought, recalling his harsh words toward his friend, as he watched his shadow dance against the wall.
"Friend Robin! We are about to potato the couch! Do you wish to join us?" The sweet innocence of Starfire's voice had penetrated the steel barrier between herself and Robin.
Slowly it slid open. "Can't Star. Working." He had spoken in broken fragments, as though he couldn't be bothered to speak in complete sentences. "I need answers."
"Perhaps if you took a break…" He remembered her suggesting.
It had been like deja-vou, he could've sworn they'd had the conversation on more than one occasion.
"Star. I can't." The door slid shut, leaving the poor Tamaranian looking let-down and almost heart broken.
It was that same face that brought Robin's hand back to his door as he pushed it open hesitantly. She had turned her back on him, head drooping as she started to float away.
'It's too much,' Robin thought now, as he stood there, watching her quietly. "On second thought," He proposed, letting the large pieces of steel swoosh shut behind him as he started towards Starfire. "Maybe a break would do me good."
Seeing the extatic smile spread over her face, he immediately knew he'd made a wise decision. He started walking, hands in his pockets, feet shuffling as she floated along beside him, chattering on about the selection Beast Boy had made.
'Do I really make her that happy?' Robin wondered silently to himself, watching her intently.
"And then, he said, 'To get to the other si-'" Starfire cut herself off, seeing Robin's head turned towards her. Even though his mask shielded his eyes, she could tell he was watching her. She smiled, tilting her head to the side and waiting for an explanation.
The Boy Wonder simply smiled in response, turning away from her as the doors to the living room opened for the two to enter.
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'Maybe I should sleep…' One side of his mind said.
'No. Sleep is a waste of time. You already wasted time earlier by watching that movie with the others.' The other side of his brain told him.
'Waste of time? Don't deny it; it was fun being with the Titans. Otherwise you wouldn't have accepted Starfire's offer.'
'Ugh…I'm not getting anywhere this way,' He reminded himself.
He sighed, letting his head sink forward onto his desk. He closed his eyes, going over a multitude of information mentally.
His recent dream had sparked this new obsession with Slade. The thought had occurred to him before that Slade was bound and determined to win Robin over, even if it meant hurting the Titans in the process.
But he couldn't shake that horrific image from his mind. He couldn't forget the look on her supposed face when she saw what had happened. He wanted to push it all away, but it came back to haunt him each and every night. And so every night after that he'd sneak down the hall and wait quietly beside Starfire's door, pressing his ear against it until he could hear her soft breathing and be reassured she was alright.
He looked up and turned on the computer monitor before him, quickly doing another internet scan. It had only been five minutes since he'd last Google-searched Slade's whereabouts, but he figured it was possible more had been learned since then…Though it wasn't likely.
He hit his fists against his desk when nothing came up other than what he'd already found. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and their lids were becoming heavy. His head sunk forward again involuntarily, resting against his arm. Slowly his eyes won their battle, shutting themselves as his breathing slowed to a rhythmic pace. The last thing he saw was his shadow, dancing on the wall.
And there she was again…Lying on top of him: dead. He'd run his fingers along her face, feeling it's stone-cold touch even through his gloves. He'd continue his sobbing, falling into the disillusion that it was all real.
"I didn't mean to…" He'd say again and again. "It was an accident, I swear! I didn't want to hurt her!"
"Liar." A voice hissed. It was distinguishably Slade's.
"I'm not lying!" Robin protested. His gut heaved in his stomach and he tried to calm his sobs. He hadn't actually cried in so long.
"But you are. You're a horrible person, face the facts." Slade found amusement in the situation.
Rage overwhelmed him, and Robin stood, "Stop it! You're the one lying!" He muttered.
"You can't even speak truthfully to yourself. You know I'm right…Robin, why do you distress yourself so? She was just an insignificant girl…she means nothing." The villain said calmly.
"She means everything!" The Boy Wonder sprung forward, catching Slade's throat and jamming him back against the wall. He waited for assistance from the other Titans, and yet they had all disappeared, simply vanishing into thin air….
The man slipped from Robin's grasp, sending the Titan sprawling a moment later with a harshly delivered kick. Robin fought to catch his breath, holding his aching stomach. He slumped forward, trying to block out Slade's menacing words.
"I don't see why the Titans even bother with you. You're not fit to lead them. You're jut not good enough. Think about it, Boy Wonder. When was the last time you got them out of trouble instead of into it? But come to me…and I could teach you how to be a good leader, and an even better follower."
"Stop it!" Robin cried, covering his ears. Yet still, he could hear the menacing voice echo through his head.
"And when was the last time you made them smile?"
"I-I made Starfire smile just today!"
"Oh that's right…before you killed her."
"I didn't…" Robin said almost feebly. Slade's threats and lies were starting to crumble his confidence away.
"But you did. In fact, you killed her long before this. Never physically of course, up until now. But when you'd get obsessive over being victorious…or when you betrayed the Titans to become Red X. That was all killing her in a sense, along with your other do-good friends. Can't you see? You don't deserve to be their friend. You're so cold…so bitter. Have you looked at yourself lately? Your eyes tell it all. You put up a barrier a long, long time ago. The moment your parents died you didn't want to feel again. Because with happiness comes pain, and you couldn't bare it. So for all these years you've been holding back. And look what it's done for you. It's made you strong. Drain yourself of emotion Robin, it will only hurt you in the end."
The Boy Wonder was still for a long moment. He simply lay there, taking the words as he might take physical blows. Every single thing said cut him deeper and deeper until he couldn't take it anymore. He sunk into the words, letting them overwhelm him in pity and self-hate, until finally there was almost nothing left.
He felt the same way when he woke up. Empty. Like a shell. He was cold-so cold- and so afraid. Lost and forlorn, he sat silently in his bed, the dream repeating itself a multitude of times in his head. Slade's words echoed through his mind and he didn't bother to deny them.
'I am nothing' He thought. 'I am a failure. I am cruel, I am bitter, and I am destined to be alone.' He looked to the mirror facing him, plastered to his wall. He wandered about Slade's words; about the comment on his eyes. Gently he removed his mask and stared at his reflection.
What he saw startled him. He reached up and gingerly touched the skin around one glistening eye. He no longer wanted to look at himself. His eyes were dark and cold. They shone with nothing but loneliness, betrayal and hate. 'How can this be?' He thought. He quickly retied his mask and sunk back into his covers, shivering.
He looked to the door where his shadow lay, looking as cold and forlorn as he. 'I am horrible.' The thought from the previous day echoed in his head. But this time…he meant it.
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A/N: So what'd you think? I know there wasn't much Star/Robin fluff in this one, but that's because it's mostly going to be in the next installment of the Trilogy. Who knows, maybe after that I'll even be inspired to write a few more. XD But anyway, how dramatic could this possibly get? Teehee, I like drama though. I just felt like while the show explores a little of Robin's frustration in himself, it never goes to a full extent. At times he just seems to hate himself. It makes me sad. pats Robin I mean, he's too lovable to hate! Especially to a certain Tamaranian…cough. Ahem. Sorry. So drop me a line at my yahoo mail address: maskedandmysterious, or leave me a review. Constructive Criticism would be great. Keep your pants on and wait for the next story, it's coming soon, I promise.
With Love, Nacata