Paradise
By: IMBSA
IMBSA: Hey! This songfic I was gonna write for Tahiri/Anakin (Star Wars, for those of you who care) but decided to write it for GS. And need I remind you people that I'm only relying on information from the episode summaries (for the most part). That means I'm guesstimating a LOT. Please keep this in mind as you read this. The song is "Paradise" by Vanessa Carlton.
Disclaimer: "War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a year gone byShe saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been
Well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
When covers tucked in tight
Funny when the bottom drops
How she forgets to fight...to fight
Murrue Ramius lay curled into a ball in her room on board the Archangel, her head resting somewhere near her knees. It had been a year since the death of her lover, Mwu la Fllaga, yet every time her eyes closed and turned inward, she could not help but see visions of him and what could have happened had he survived. He haunted her every step, every thought was not without a vestige of his presence. She lied to herself, saying that every night she would banish him from her thoughts and he would never again trouble her. Oh she would still love him, that she could not be rid of. But every night she promised herself that she would not hurt any more. Yet she left those vows empty and shattered; every night her heart broke over and over again as she watched Mwu sacrifice himself for the Archangel again and again. She could do nothing to fight against her own desires and her own heart. She always let her guard down during the night and the memories of long ago battered themselves against her weak and vulnerable heart.
And it's one more day in paradiseOne more day in paradise
Yet those recollections were as sweet as they were painful. They were the only pieces of Mwu that she could truly hold on to. And she was perfectly ready to take the anguish with the bliss, even if the former vastly outweighed the latter. It didn't matter to her, as long as she was close to Mwu. Even if that meant deceiving herself to do it. Every night felt like the last one in paradise and she wanted to hold on to it as tight as she could, no matter how twisted that "paradise" seemed to be.
As darkness quickly steals the lightThat shined within her eyes
She slowly swallows all her fear
And soothes her mind with lies
Well all she wants and all she needs
Are reasons to survive
A day in which the sun will take
Her artificial light...her light
The war really took a lot out of her, even without the ordeal her own heart put her through every night. Slowly the bright eyes that Mwu had said he'd loved so much dimmed and darkened, losing all of the hope and happiness they had once been brimming full of. Murrue, bent beneath the burden she could not let go of or set down, gradually succumbed to the pains and gravity of her life and situation. But she bit it all down. Somehow, she kept herself composed and cool on the surface even when things were buckling and bending inside, threatening to snap and break at any moment. She again misled herself, telling herself that it was all right, that everything was perfectly fine. But deep in her heart she knew that such was not the case. Nothing would ever be ok if she could not release all of her guilt and sorrow. Yet she could not bear to do that. With the pain would go every memory of Mwu and if she was left alone, she knew she would never survive. But still, she prayed that one day she could forget and move on. Murrue had the common sense to realize that she was slowly rupturing under the load she willingly subjected herself to. Yet she could not help that her love for Mwu was so powerful still that it was tearing her up inside. Without it, she felt so empty, so incomplete. In spite of that, being in love with someone who could not return it due to the difference in the plane of existence wasn't much better.
And it's one more day in paradiseOne more day in paradise
It's one more day in paradise
One more day to feel all right
Murrue turned over, her body freeing itself from the torturous circular shape it had been in a second before. Her dreams led her again down the path of thorns and Mwu's death. Yet any memory was a refreshing balm to her soul, or so she reasoned to herself. Each night was like the last time she would ever be able to "see" Mwu.
Don't you try to hold it in just let it out
Don't you try to hold it in just push it out
Don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
And don't you try to hold it in you hold it in
She knew she shouldn't keep all the pain bottled up. There it would only fester like an infected wound, rotting and spreading the virus to other parts of herself. Yet something in her was reluctant to lean on anyone. Perhaps she was reminded of how, whenever she let her guard down, everything came crashing down about her ears. Whenever she left herself vulnerable, it seemed the fates took advantage of her and brought her hopes crashing down. She had relied on and loved Mwu, laid bare her soul to him, and he had been killed, leaving her lost and so hopelessly alone. She vowed that she would never be swindled like that again.
Once upon a year gone by
She saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been
Which was ironic, since she deceived herself like that every night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IMBSA: This was something that had been nagging at me all weekend. We're all praying that schools stay closed tomorrow. Me 'cause I want another day to try and post some more stuff; my mom 'cause she doesn't want to go to work. Well, R & R!