Interview with a Miserable 1 - Grantaire
Argentine; My Lords, Ladies and Lupins (flower or werewolf - whichever you prefer), I would like to welcome you to the first in this series of interviews during which I hope to bring you dazzling, never before revealed insights into the minds of the characters of Les Miserable (which, incidentally, belongs to Victor Hugo)
Argentine enters a swanky talk show studio - all over-stuffed sofas and horrid flower arrangements
Argentine; Isn't this nice - I feel just like Oprah, but slimmer. Anyway, first up I would like to welcome that dazzling pin-up of the ABC Society - Grantaire!
Audience; (in unison); WTF?
Argentine; Ok. Ok. He was the only one I could get at short notice. Welcome Grantaire!
Grantaire ambles onto the stage looking dishevelled and clutching a bottle of Sancerre as tightly as if it were his first born child.
Argentine; Great to have you here
Grantaire; Great to be here Ma Belle Cherie.
Argentine; He's so nice, isn't he? Anyway, first question. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Grantaire; A full glass, a pretty girl - actually I'd settle for Enjolras not avoiding me.
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?
Grantaire; Bad oysters and ugly waitresses.
Argentine; With which historical figure do you most identify?
Grantaire; Nero
Argentine; Which living person do you most admire and why?
Grantaire; Enjolras and I 'm not telling you why - it's too disgustingly sentimental
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Grantaire; My inability to take anything seriously.
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Grantaire; The fact that they take everything too seriously
Argentine; What is your most embarrassing moment?
Grantaire; Ask Joly - I don't remember any of them.
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?
Grantaire; None. My licence was confiscated last month by a certain inspector of police.
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?
Grantaire; I would say alcohol but that's a necessity.
Argentine; What objects to you always carry with you?
Grantaire; 3 hip flasks
Argentine; Where would you like to live?
Grantaire; Sodom - or maybe Gomorrah.
Argentine; What makes you depressed?
Grantaire; What doesn't make me depressed?
Argentine; What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Grantaire; The fact that I look like a really bad hashish trip even when sober.
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?
Grantaire; Finishing the contents of other peoples' glasses when they're not looking.
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?
Grantaire; Whisky with a whisky chaser.
Argentine What is your favourite word?
Grantaire; Cheers!
Argentine; What is your favourite building?
Grantaire; The Ermitage on Boulevard de Mairie.
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?
Grantaire; The time I tried to walk to Dover was quite fun!
Argentine; What is your favourite book?
Grantaire; The Michelin restaurant guide.
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?
Grantaire; Taking Enjolras home to meet my parents.
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?
Grantaire; Didn't - why bother?
Argentine; How will you vote in the next election?
Grantaire; However Enjolras tells me.
Grantaire; No.
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?
Grantaire; No.
Argentine; For what cause would you die/
Grantaire; Anything involving Enjolras or a large bowl of bouillabaisse.
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?
Grantaire; You shock me!
Argentine; What - or who - is the greatest love of your life?
Grantaire; Enjolras, booze, Enjolras, booze . . .Oh God - the indecision!
Argentine; Which living person do you most despise and why?
Grantaire; The religious maniac that knocked on my door this morning - woke me up just to say that alcohol is the work of Satan.
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Grantaire; Temperance.
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Grantaire; Well, I've said 'I mean it' without loving you
Argentine; What words or phrases do you most overuse?
Grantaire; 'More', 'Wine' and 'Please'
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?
Grantaire; Having the 16th bottle last night.
Argentine; When were you happiest?
Grantaire; Having the 16th bottle last night.
Argentine; How do you relax?
Grantaire; Politics
Argentine; How often do you have sex?
Grantaire; Oh, all the time Cherie, all the time.
Argentine; What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?
Grantaire; Late night shopping twice a week.
Argentine; What would your motto be?
Grantaire; In vino veritas.
Argentine; What keeps you awake at night?
Grantaire; The thought that there might not be enough calvados to go with my morning coffee.
Argentine; How would you like to die?
Grantaire; Between courses at a fancy restaurant.
Argentine; Do you believe in life after death?
Grantaire; If there's life after absinthe then it must be possible.
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?
Grantaire; As a good friend and a generous tipper.
Argentine; What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Grantaire; Believe in nothing.
Argentine; Well isn't he nice? You're so cool Grantaire - I wish I had an older brother just like you.
Grantaire; Does that mean I haven't pulled?
Argentine; Indeed
Grantaire; OH. D'you want to go for a drink anyway?
Argentine; Blatantly